Both sides of the rose
by galindaby
Summary: The whole story of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks - from the first meeting to their last day.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

**First impressions**

The door of 12 Grimmauld Place opened with a shriek. There was a sound of wood hitting the floor – Mad Eye Moody's leg. Short after his irregular steps were much lighter steps to be heard. They came closer to the entrance hall and when they nearly got there, a loud bang echoed through the silent house. Almost immediately, the old curtains of Mrs Black's portrait swung to the sides and revealed the disgusting sight of its screaming inhabitant. Calls of 'blood traitors' and 'monsters' and 'a dishonour to my house and my family' could be heard in every single room and it wasn't long till people headed up the stairs from the kitchen to look who was welcomed that warmly.

Of course the other members of the Order of the Phoenix knew that Moody would bring someone with him tonight. Of course they knew that for a change someone joined the order. But they didn't expect Nymphadora Tonks. Everyone searched for the newcomer as soon as they arrived in the entrance hall, but nobody was able to make him or her out. At least not until Sirius Black broke out in laughter at the sight of his little cousin lying on the floor underneath the troll leg umbrella stand, all red in the face. As he pointed at her, everyone either laughed or looked concerned, just one person had the decency to shut up Mrs Black, remove the umbrella stand and help up this certain Nymphadora Tonks. This person was Remus Lupin. He offered the young woman a warm smile and was polite enough not to mention her mishap but to introduce himself.

"Remus Lupin. I suppose you're our newest member?"

"Looks like it. I'm Tonks."

He looked at her quizzically. Before he could ask for her surname, Sirius came over with great strides.

"My dearest Nymphadora! Nice to meet you again, little cousin!"

Even the fact that he hugged her tightly – and for the first time in fourteen years, due to his time in Azkaban – soothed her about using her hated first name.

"Don't you call me that ever again! You know I absolutely **hate **being called Nym.. you know what."

Sirius burst out in laughter once more. On one hand because she couldn't even bring herself to pronounce her first name fully, on the other because her hair had turned in an alarming shade of red that honoured every Weasley. Most of the order, including Remus, looked at her curiously, what made her blush again. Although her hair was anything but decent most of the time, she didn't like people staring at her. Especially not like that. It was her first day in the order and she had already managed to disgrace herself completely in front of nearly everyone. She quickly morphed her hair back to a more natural colour when suddenly the door behind her opened once more. Turning around she saw the impressive silhouette of Albus Dumbledore entering the hall.

"I see you already noticed dear Nymphadora. If you please, could we sit down in the kitchen instead of staying around and staring at the poor girl? I think there are some important issues today."

Smiling broadly, Dumbledore made his way to the kitchen and everyone followed, Moody and Tonks as the last ones.

"Nymphadora, what have I taught you all these years? Constant vigilance! Did you have to fall over an umbrella stand the moment you arrived? That's not very representative for an Auror. They will ask themselves how you actually became one. Sometimes I question it myself."

That speech didn't help to calm Tonks' temper or to soften her embarrassment. But she knew that Moody didn't mean it and really thought of her as a capable Auror and enrichment for the order. Otherwise he wouldn't have got her to join in the first place.

They sat down in silence until Dumbledore was the only one to remain standing. He started a speech about their progresses and the information they had been able to get. There wasn't much of neither the one nor the other. But Tonks knew that a secret war against Lord Voldemort wouldn't be easy and that it was hard to get at information about his plans and whereabouts at all, so she wasn't disappointed. In fact, it was far more than she had expected from Moody's dramatic picture of the hopeless situation of the order. But then again, Moody loved to exaggerate. It was some kind of hobby for him and she knew better than to take every word of his seriously.

Dumbledore was followed by several other speakers, including – to Tonks' utter horror and disgust – Severus Snape. She and Snape had been at open war in Hogwarts. If he had been able to, he had expelled her the minute she knocked her first cauldron full of Shrieking Potion over his feet. Ever since they had been enemies and either one used every chance to disgrace the other – or worse. So she wasn't pleased at all to see him in the order and to learn that she had to trust him. If there was a n incarnation of evil, it would have been Snape. At least in her imagination. Probably he thought the same way when it came to her. By the way he looked at her she guessed that he hated her as much as she hated him.

To distract herself from Snape's boring reports about him being a hero for risking his life in such a difficult task and remarks about how useless Sirius was for the order, she let her gaze wander through the people sitting at the table. Some of them she already knew from the ministry, such as Kingsley and Arthur Weasley. Most of them she never met before. Especially one of them captivated her. The man who had been the only one to help her instead of laughing at her. What was his name again? Ah, yes, Remus Lupin. Maybe she was interpreting a little much because of the fact that he sort of 'rescued' her, but Tonks thought that his smile was very kind and although there were grey streaks all over his brown hair, he still looked young and – actually – was quite handsome. At the thought and because she noticed that she was staring – she could tell Snape noticed it as well because he had this very unpromising grin in his face – she turned her gaze to Sirius and studied the features she hadn't seen for a very long time. She missed him throughout the years and she never had been able to believe him capable of the crimes he was sent to Azkaban for. She longed for the end of Snape's self-praising report to sit down next to her cousin and talk to him. And maybe to learn a little more about this Remus Lupin.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Why conversations with Sirius are no good idea**

Finally, Snape finished his speech, but Tonks had no time to sit down with Sirius though. The moment Snape ended, the next speaker stood and continued. It seemed like the evening would never end. Tonks got impatient and she felt her looks drawn to this Lupin-person again. He really had something. She couldn't explain what, but there was something more to him. Or maybe she was just getting paranoid, not unexpected after years with Mad Eye.

After two more hours, her boring first meeting found an end and everyone went over to her and welcomed her in the order. One after the other they left the gloomy house, only Tonks stayed behind to talk to her cousin.

"So, dear Sirius, what have you been up to in cozy Azkaban?"

"Oh, I just hung out with the Dementors for a while. How have you been, little cousin?"

"Great so far. I made my Auror training and now I've got the job I always wanted."

"Then why are you here? It's not just dangerous to your life, I guess if Fudge finds out about this, you are kicked out of the ministry before you can say 'Quidditch'."

"There you're probably right. But I couldn't sit there and pretend that nothing's going on. I mean, Fudge used to love Harry and now he encourages the press to defame him as much as possible. If there was nothing to his words, why would he do that? There's no other reason than that Harry tells the truth and Fudge doesn't want to see it. Besides, there are enough signs if you try and look for them."

"That's my cousin. At least some members of the family Black are worth mentioning. Are you going to stay here tonight?"

"Well, I guess I could. Do you want me to?"

"Would I ask you if I didn't?"

She smiled at him and went out to the apparition point to get some clothes. As soon as she quit the room, Sirius turned to his friend.

"What do you think, Moony?"

"What do you mean?"

"I want to know what you think of my dear little cousin, as you know very well."

"She's nice."

"Oh, come on. That's all? She's nice? Are you blind or what?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Oh, Moony, don't be like that. I know that look on you. You like her. I can understand it, she's quite hot. If she wasn't my cousin..."

"Sorry, I have to correct myself. I don't **want **to know what you mean."

With those words, he rose from his chair and made his way to the bedroom. Sirius could be really annoying if he wanted to. Lying on the bed, Remus thought about his words nonetheless. This Nymphadora certainly **was **attractive. He couldn't deny that. But nobody had to know that he felt somehow attracted to her. She was about thirteen years younger when he remembered Sirius' stories correctly. Her hair was bright blue. And she was stunningly beautiful. There was no way she would ever end up with an old, broken werewolf whose hair turned more and more grey each day. He had heard that war drew people together, but even a war couldn't manage **that. **It was impossible. He should forget about it and not even dare to dream of her. It would lead nowhere.

But still he couldn't get the memory out of his head. How his heart had jumped when his hand had touched hers while helping her up. How she had smiled at him and how sweet her voice had sounded in his ears. Impatiently, Remus shook his head and decided to sleep to distract him from those irritating thoughts. It had been a long time since his mind had drifted of like this and he was sure that it wasn't a good sign. Especially not when Sirius encouraged it. That just meant that it was the most stupid thing to do. Sirius was his best and last friend, but that didn't make him any more responsible. Turning on his right side, Remus pulled the blanket tighter around his small frame and waited for sleep to come. He expected it to be a long night and he wouldn't be disappointed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Unintended rendezvous at night**

When he finally got to sleep, a loud bang awoke him after what seemed like only some minutes of calm. Mrs Blacks screaming echoed through the whole house and although his room was on the second floor, it was as loud as if he was standing next to the ugly portrait. There was just one reason for this noise he could think of: Nymphadora Tonks. Probably the troll leg again. His heart jumped once more, but first he was too tired to go down and see if he had guessed right and second he wanted this silly feeling to end. If he gave in to the need to check if she was all right and talk to her, his stupid heart would continue to beat that fast whenever she was around. If he just ignored her, he couldn't fall in love with her, right? Because he felt like he would do just that if he got to know her.

When the screams found no end, Remus started to feel uncomfortable. Why didn't Sirius help her? Was he drunk again? It definitely wouldn't be the first time and in that state he wouldn't hear anything, not even an explosion next to his head. So it was up to Remus to help Nymphadora – no, Tonks, as she insisted – no matter if he liked it or not.

Sighing, he got up and dressed. He still hoped that the screaming would end any minute and Sirius would come in to apologize for acting so late for some unknown reason. It didn't happen and so he lit his wand and got down the stairs. As expected, he found Tonks under the umbrella stand, cursing at the portrait of her relative. She was nearly as creative as Mrs Black herself, he noticed with a smile.

"Remus! Thank Merlin! I thought I would lie under this stupid thing till the next meeting. Or at least till morning."

"Yeah, you simply have to stay asleep with such a nice lullaby." He nodded to the portrait.

Tonks tried to laugh, but the weight of the troll leg upon her turned it into a cough. "Doesn't seem to distract Sirius."

"He probably had one Firewhiskey too much. At least one. This house gets him depressed. And I think thirteen years of Azkaban didn't help it, either."

"Usually I would agree with you, but right now I would ask you to get that thing of me, if you don't mind."

Remus blushed and replaced the umbrella stand stuttering an apology. Tonks giggled and tried to close the curtains herself. When she didn't succeed, Remus hurried to help her. After a hard fight – Mrs Black seemed to be very eager to insult someone tonight – silence filled the room. In the dim light of some distant candles, Remus could see Tonks smiling at him gratefully. His heart lept once more and for the first time since her spectacular arrival, he noticed that her hair now was a light purple.

"How do you do that?"

"What?"

"Your hair. It was blue when you arrived, in the hall it turned red when Sirius called you Nymphadora (she flinched at the use of her first name) and now it's purple."

"Oh, that. You better get used to it. I'm a Metamorphmagus. I can change my appearance at will."

She closed her eyes in concentration and the next second her hair was a shining lime green. "See?"

Remus laughed. This Nymphadora certainly was special. But special was exactly what the order could use right now. He searched for her eyes and tried to find fear in them. Mistrust. Anything. Something they should show in the middle of a secret war against the darkest wizard of all times. But they didn't. They were enchantingly blue and absolutely honest. Remus found himself drowning in them. Something drew him closer to her, but although he couldn't remember **why** it was wrong to give in to this feeling right then, he still knew, that it **was** wrong. So he stayed where he was, staring at her and waiting. She seemed to feel the same for she just stood there and stared back. Now and then he thought he saw a question in her eyes, as if she was asking him if it was okay for her to come closer. But she didn't and when Sirius staggered up the stairs, murmuring something about killing Kreacher and Snape in one go, the moment was over. They both jumped and ran to his side to help him get in his bed. Remus looked at her once more and this time he tried not to drown in those beautiful eyes.

"You should get your things and make yourself comfortable. Most of the rooms are empty, but don't go further than the second floor. The rest is still uninhabitable. Unless you like doxies. I'll get Sirius back to his room."

She offered him a broad smile and carefully went back to get her bag without waking Mrs Black again.

After dropping Sirius in his bed, Remus made his way back to his own room. He didn't think he would sleep much, not after he had been awoken like that. But it was worth a try and so he tiptoed down the floors for he didn't know which room Tonks slept in. He didn't want to wake her if she slept already. When he arrived at his door, he heard light breathing from the room next to his. So she chose to reside right beside him. Of course she didn't know it, but for Remus it seemed like she was on some mission to torture him. When he lay in bed and listened to her regular breath and the strange rhythm of his heart, he decided that Nymphadora Tonks definitely was a danger to his usual way of life. If this was good or bad was another question.

Reviews would be really nice :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**Company**

The next morning was everything but happy. Sirius came down for breakfast in the worst mood he had shown in weeks. The headache from the previous night's drinking didn't make things any better. Remus decided to lock away every single bottle of alcohol he could find. Judging by Tonks' facial expression she would be very eager to help him. It wasn't easy to cope with Sirius if he was like that. The friendly cousin of last night had disappeared and was replaced by a grumpy git who disliked everything and everyone. When she entered the kitchen, he insulted her harshly, so that she was on the point of turning to the door and leaving. Remus held her back with his pleading looks. As much as he should avoid Tonks' company, he didn't want to stay alone with Sirius. At least not today.

Sighing she had sat down next to him and gave him a look of: you definitely owe me something. Sirius kept on moping all day and Remus was unbelievable glad to have some other company than him. Molly wouldn't show up for she had taken a day off from cleaning the old house all the time. Easy enough to understand, the atmosphere was anything but inviting. Nonetheless Tonks stayed with him and helped voluntarily to rearrange the library. They sorted out most of the books in there for they all had to do with either dark magic or the Black's family tree. Nobody needed to read about that, especially because there was a giant version of it in one of the rooms.

From time to time, Tonks broke out in laughter at the titles and Remus couldn't help but smile himself. After some hours of work it was time for lunch and they went down to the kitchen to search for something to eat.

"Look if you can find something cooked by Molly."

"Why?"

"You've never tasted her food, have you?"

"No."

"You missed something. She is a brilliant cook. I've never tasted anything that delicious."

"If you say so I'll try on the next occasion."

She offered him one of her beautiful smiles and Remus felt himself going weak. He tried to concentrate on anything but her face. He didn't have much success. His heart beat rapidly and everything that was not her started to blur a bit. Concentrating was even harder when he heard her erratic breathing and the heat irradiating from her body. She was much too close. Usually it wasn't much like Remus to get dizzy like that with someone he only knew for a day or so. But Tonks was different from every woman he ever met. Both in her personality and in the effect she had on him. Remus started to question his point of view at the whole love-at-first-sight-thing. Because it was exactly what it felt like, if he believed in it or not.

Trying to escape the whole, strange situation, Remus stepped back and went over to the table to put down his empty plate. He knew it looked stupid, but he had to do something or he would end up kissing his best friend's little cousin. A cousin he only knew for one day, who was thirteen years younger than him. And who was very kind. And very attractive. Not to mention beautiful. He tried to get those thoughts out of his head, but he couldn't shake it because Tonks was still in the kitchen. She would think him completely insane if he started pacing and shaking his head without any visible reason. So he decided to turn around and smile at her, acting like nothing had happened. He went back to the cupboard and searched for something to eat, but it seemed like there was nothing left. Suddenly he felt something warm at his back and when he turned his head to see what it was, he noticed that Tonks was right behind him. She was slightly bent over his back to have a look in the cupboard herself. Remus felt a shiver going down his spine at such close physical contact.

"Looks like there's nothing left to eat. How about a little shopping tour?"

"Yeah, why not?"

Grinning she hurried up the stairs. At the door she turned again to see if he would follow. He did and when they entered the warm sunshine outside, she took his hand and apparated.

Nymphadora Tonks' version of a 'shopping tour' turned out to be a visit in a Chinese fast food restaurant in Muggle London combined with a walk to Florian Fortescue's. She even thought of taking something for Sirius as well, although his behaviour didn't deserve ice cream at all. They got back to Grimmauld Place and placed the food in Sirius' room for he was still sleeping. After eating their own food in the kitchen, Tonks had a suggestion.

"Really, Remus, it's much too beautiful out there to stay in here and sort out horrible books about things I don't even want to think of. Let's go back to Diagon Alley, enjoying the day and everything. We should have a go at Flourish&Blotts. You know, replacing that old rubbish with some good books."

Remus laughed and followed her obediently. Book-shopping on a beautiful summer's day with a beautiful girl he had a crush on? Sounded good to his ears.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**Tossing and Turning**

Even book-shopping was somehow different with Tonks. Remus always liked book stores and could sit in a corner reading into a book for hours. Once he had been thrown out with the words 'We're not offering free lecture, buy it or leave'. It had been one of the – admittedly many – times he had run out of money and so they had set him on the street. Remus always tried to remember this when entering a book store for he didn't want to end up like that again. Especially not with Tonks at his side. He had thought it easy to stay in reality with such a beautiful woman being around him, but it turned out very differently.

As soon as they arrived in Diagon Alley, Tonks made her way through the crowd directly to Flourish&Blotts. Remus had a hard time following, but when they entered the store, the calming smell of fresh books vanished every thought of glaring at her for walking so fast. This was sort of his personal paradise and now he saw it in reality, he couldn't imagine it without a shock of pink hair any more.

Tonks had dragged him to every shelf, obviously as excited as he was. He had never thought her much of a reader and she surprised him – like so many other times before – by proving him the opposite. She knew more about literature than he himself and they started discussing several books. Remus couldn't remember when he had had that much fun in a library. Maybe because he never had. His friends always hated books and even his parents didn't share his passion. But Tonks did and the bare thought made his heart beat frantically. It really was unfair. Why did she have to be so perfect? Too perfect. She was young and whole and full of life and he was nothing of those things. He was broken and old and a werewolf. Whatever his friends said to those matters, it always disturbed **him. **Knowing that he just hurt the people who cared about him in one or another way. Because of what he was. Because of something he never asked for and wouldn't wish for his worst enemy.

Just when he started to get lost in his dark thoughts. Tonks pulled him to another shelf and put at least five books in his arms. None of it looks like it had less than one thousand pages.

"Tonks, what is this?"

"Some theory. I mean, you wouldn't have a library without detailed lessons on Transfigurations, Potions, Charms and Defence Against the Dark Arts, would you?"

"I wouldn't even think of it."

He shook his head in a shocked manner what made Tonks laugh out loud. At once there appeared the salesman behind one of the shelves and made them signs to be quiet. When you were searching him for advice he was nowhere to be found, but dared you to laugh once...

They ended up with what looked at least thirty books, all of whom were paid by Tonks. Remus felt desperate again. He wished he could do something for her, like paying half of the books. But due to the fact he had been unemployed ever since Snape talked about his lycantrophy at Hogwarts, he hadn't any money to do so. It just showed him once more that his fantasy drew impossible pictures in his mind. There was no way he could ever be with Nymphadora Tonks. Not like that. If a miracle happened and he would be twenty again all of a sudden, with a well-paid job and therefore lots of money... Oh, yeah, and if he could cease being a werewolf. But none of this was possible and so he decided to stay away. To not even give a chance to whatever was between them. Because it would lead nowhere, as much as he wanted it to.

Back in the library of Grimmauld Place Number Twelve – it had gotten dark outside without them noticing – they continued sorting out books by the light of the fire, replacing them with the new ones. Although his decision was made, Remus couldn't keep himself from admiring what enchanting effect the flickering light had on Tonks' skin and hair. She looked too beautiful to be part of this world. Something told him that she noticed his looks, but he was careful to ensure that she never caught him staring. Or at least that was what he thought.

Of course she noticed his looks. He quickly looked away whenever she turned to meet his eyes. So quickly she wouldn't have noticed if it hadn't been for her years of training as an Auror. Mad-Eye would have been proud of her. She was in fact grateful that he turned so fast for it meant he didn't notice the way she blushed every time she felt his gaze upon her. Tonks had no idea what it was she felt, but her heart skipped a beat whenever he got close to her. She liked his company, more than she ever liked anyone's company. She already noticed that he was handsome. And she felt that there was a mystery to Remus Lupin. The question was whether he thought her worth knowing it one day or not. Usually curiosity was a very prominent trait of hers, but she didn't want to force this knowledge. If he didn't want her to know, he would have his reasons. And she respected him way too much to snoop around behind his back.

Her mind trailing off like this, she didn't notice him standing suddenly right behind her. When he asked her whether they should go to bed now, she jumped. That much for constant vigilance! Hopefully he wouldn't tell Mad-Eye, or she was nearly dead.

"Of course. How late is it?"

"Around midnight."

"Really?"

She didn't notice time passing by that quickly. Maybe it was due to her very pleasant company. Or the fact she didn't want to leave him, even if it was just for the night. The thought was strange but she felt it was the truth. Remus Lupin did something to her nobody else ever did and she found that she liked it. If there was any chance on whatever this was, she would gladly take it. Because if he did those things to her, made her feel in such a way just by being in the same room as her, she definitely wanted to know what it would be like to be much closer than that...

"Tonks? Tonks? Are you coming?"

She awoke out of her reverie and looked at him. He was already standing in the doorway and frowned at her. She felt herself blush again and tried her utmost to hide it, but too late. Remus had seen it, but instead of laughing at her, he offered her the most beautiful smile she ever saw. When he smiled like this he looked so much younger and even handsomer... Tonks decided to make him laugh more often. **Really **laugh, not this faked smile to make the others think he was fine even if he wasn't. She knew that smile all too well to not recognize it on others. Noticing his look getting more and more questioning as she was just standing on the same spot for at least five minutes, she forced herself to quit the library, leaving the soothing fire and the confusing emotions behind until the next morning.

But as everything in life, it wasn't that simple. Both of them tossed and turned all night, thinking and dreaming of the other, not understanding what this was about. Love at first sight wasn't existing! It couldn't be! How were you to love someone without knowing him? Just chemistry? Neither of them believed in it, but as hard as they tried to, they couldn't deny it. So they decided to let it be and see what would happen. At least Tonks decided so for Remus was determined to not **let **anything happen, no matter what. In the end they fell asleep, faces to the wall on whose other side they knew the object of their thoughts to be.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**Cheering and Blessing**

Tonks' stay in Grimmauld Place ended far too soon for her liking. But duty called and her job kept her busy till late in the night. So she didn't met Remus as much as she would have preferred, with the exception of order meetings. She really tried to concentrate and mostly she succeeded, but as soon as it was Snape's turn to make a report, her brain shut down and her eyes would search for Remus. She suspected he noticed her staring, but he never made any remark about it. Either he wasn't interested or... Well, or he wasn't interested. There was no other way, that had to be the reason. For Remus was much too polite to mention her impudent stares and tell her to forget about it. As much as it disappointed her, it didn't stop her from thinking of him all of the time. Whenever he was around she got even clumsier than otherwise – a great art, admittedly – and her nights still didn't contain much sleep, in favour of further thoughts about him.

It was like this for the most part of two weeks, when Dumbledore came up with another important issue: How was Harry to be brought to Grimmauld Place safely? Without Death Eaters or his family noticing it? There was a quick answer for the first question: They would pick up Harry at his aunt's and uncle's where he was still safe due to the spell on the house and its surroundings. They would travel farther by broom as Harry was known as a very good flyer. It didn't take long to get quite a lot of people for the group that would pick him up. But one problem remained: How were they to do so without his family noticing them? Nobody seemed to have an answer to that one. Tonks thought hard. Sirius and Remus both had told her about the family Harry lived in and Molly joined them in their complaints from time to time. It had seemed to her like the Dursley's were one of those families that were proud of their normalcy, living the model bourgeois life. This kind of people always cared touchingly for their homes – including their gardens. Wouldn't they be happy to learn that their garden was so overwhelmingly beautiful and well-kept that it had won a price? Perhaps so very happy they wouldn't even check if such a competition existed? Indeed so happy they would just drive off to receive a goblet or some money for their perfect normalcy?

When she rose her hand, everybody looked at her in surprise.

"Nymphadora, do you have an idea what to do about this?"

Tonks made a grimace but didn't want to tell Dumbledore off for using her first name. So she just explained her thoughts, waiting for a reaction. She didn't expect them to jump up in euphoria and to be embraced by several people at once. Dumbledore grinned at her and everyone was stunned by her brilliant conclusion. In fact Tonks didn't thought it that brilliant, altogether it was quite simple. Maybe she was just the first to think of this because she had more contacts to Muggles than most of the others. Whatever the reason, Tonks idea was accepted and everyone voted that she should be the one to write the letter leading the Dursleys out of the house. Everyone congratulated her once more before they left and when there was finally nobody left but Remus, Sirius and herself, she sat down, took a deep breath and sighed. It was really tough to have a good idea! At school she had been teased for her knowledge and unusual way of thinking, now the people cheered so much she wished she had never said anything at all.

"Congratulations, my dear cousin. To be honest, I would have never thought you capable of such complex thoughts!"

"Very funny, Sirius. Could you just leave me alone? I had enough of that tonight."

Usually she loved Sirius' company, but tonight he just got on her already strained nerves. Two weeks of little sleep and much work didn't help her composure, either. As to be expected Sirius left pouting and she couldn't help but being relieved at the sight of him quitting the room. Tonks felt ashamed for treating her cousin like this and even feeling well to have done so. She buried her face in her hands and tried to hold back the tears. Today was just not her day. It wasn't even a month she was in the order, with no war going on but a secret one that at this time didn't cause too much distress and she was already crying for nothing. It made her even more ashamed of herself. The tears started to flow freely and her sobs echoed through the kitchen. All of a sudden, Tonks felt a strong hand on her shoulder. She could tell who it was by the electricity that ran through her veins at the touch.

"What is it, Tonks? Surely not just Sirius, am I right? He didn't mean it, he just wanted to cheer you up."

"I know. It's.. it's just that I'm in no mood for all that trouble. His joke was just too much. I... I feel so ashamed for hurting him just because I had some bad days."

"Did something happen?"

"Not really, what makes it even worse. Nothing but a little more work and bad sleep. By Merlin, I'm an Auror, I should be able to handle this without letting it out on everyone who's stupid enough to get near to me!"

"Tonks, it's okay. Everybody feels like that from time to time. Well, me probably more often than others. You can be perfectly sure that I understand what you feel like."

She looked up, now curious. She could see in his eyes that it was what he had intended, but she didn't regret being distracted from her sombre thoughts and she definitely wanted to know his secret.

"Tonks, there is something you should know. Most of the order does and it's about time that you get to know, too. I don't want to keep you in the dark, you deserve to know. Tonky, I... I am a werewolf."

He took a deep breath and looked as if he was expecting her to jump up and run away screaming or something very much alike.

"What's that to do with yelling at people you like?"

Remus looked relieved that she didn't act more on his confession. Fact was, she really didn't care. He was a very kind man as far as she knew him by now. Well-educated, reserved and always polite. That was more than she could claim for herself so who cared what he became once a month? It wasn't like he had signed up for it, either. Tonks wasn't someone to judge people by outward appearance or prejudice. As a metamorphmagus she knew how little these things really mattered. What mattered was the inside, the things you couldn't change with magic. Of course lycantrophy wasn't curable, but it could be changed, couldn't it? One moment you were a perfectly normal person and the other you already could be bitten and turned into a werewolf. Such a random thing should turn an individual with rights into an outcast without any? The person was still the same so it didn't seem very just to Tonks.

"Well, I'm not very agreeable company around full moon."

He offered her a faint smile and she simply had to smile back. Remus definitely **was **agreeable company, at least right now he was.

"But you don't yell at everyone because of that, hm? That's as stupid as blaming PMS on everything. But for now that would probably do. I'll just tell Sirius my hormones were raging and he won't ask any further."

They broke out in laughter and Tonks could feel his relief that she took his being a werewolf so easy. Even if she hadn't been indifferent to that fact, she would presumably have pretended to just to see him so happy. Knowing his secret and being so close to him made her forget all about the stress she had had, the lack of sleep, her shame about hurting Sirius' feelings and the worry about him not liking her. The only thing that ever managed to do so beforehand had been Professor Flitwick's Cheering-up spell back in third year.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**Friends**

Remus' confession took one burden from Tonks: She didn't have to question herself night after night what his secret was. Now she knew, and although she wasn't the only one to do so, she felt much better. If he didn't like her, he wouldn't have told her, right? It wasn't like she was at Grimmauld Place so often that she would have necessarily noticed he was even gone. But he said that she had deserved to know and the thought bettered her mood immediately. Even if he didn't feel the same way, he liked her at least and he respected her. That had to be worth something, hadn't it?

After the meeting and her little breakdown, there wasn't much time to think about what happened between Remus and her. She was occupied with her work, the letter she had to prepare for the Dursley's and the extra meetings for the group that would collect Harry. Of course she saw him in the latter, but there were so many things to be planned and done beforehand that she couldn't really enjoy his company. They weren't alone in a room for so much as a few seconds and Remus never made any attempt to talk to her in private or anything. It didn't seem to bother him that they hadn't a real conversation since that night she had had the idea with the prize. So maybe he didn't like her as much as she would like to think. She wasn't important enough to be treated like a friend, not like Sirius. Tonks didn't expect that he would make her one of his best friends, but at least something in that direction. The disappointment that he didn't even want to talk to her followed her wherever she went and it was hard to suppress. Even her dreams were crowded with images of Remus not missing her in the least.

The remaining lack of sleep and her worse emotional composure demanded for someone to talk with. There were just two persons in the world she possibly could tell about her feelings: Charlie and Giovanni, her best friends since they first met in the Hogwarts Express. Charlie, the oldest son of the Weasleys, was in Romania working with dragons. She felt that a letter wouldn't help her and so there was just one option left: Giovanni. The problem was: How could she tell him about the order? She obviously couldn't tell everything, but some detail or another had to be mentioned to explain her situation fully. Tonks trusted Giovanni more than herself, but nonetheless it was something she had to ask Dumbledore about. After all, it was his secret, his organisation, and she wouldn't dare to be the one to betray his trust or his work. So her way carried her to Dumbledore's office as soon as she had a possibility to escape all her other duties.

"I shouldn't see a problem for you, Nymphadora. I know Mr. Riviera from his time at school, as you very well know, and I don't think he would risk our secret more than any member of the order.", he declared after her explanations. He gave her a little wink to imply to her that he remembered the countless times the three of them had sat in front of this desk to receive their punishments for one prank or another. Tonks couldn't help but smile at him, remembering the scene herself. Dumbledore had always known when they had been lying. They never learned how he did for they always had coordinated their stories so there wouldn't be a mistake that could betray them. No other teacher had been able to discover their lies, but Dumbledore was headmaster for a reason. He saw things others didn't see and he knew his pupils very well. Tonks was no exception and seeing her need to talk things out with someone, he had no reservations to her wish.

Another week of hard work and little sleep, including the stress Harry's 'rescue' caused, passed before she had the possibility to visit Giovanni. He worked in the middle of Muggle London. But his boutique was known all over the world, by wizards and Muggles alike. He had the most beautiful dresses for every occasion, a wonderful sense for fashion and moreover he was the best hairdresser you could possibly find. In this area he was the opposite of Tonks, otherwise their minds were very much alike. Giovanni was a little crazy himself, but he was always serious when there was a problem to solve. During her training they had lived together and it was a time she would never forget. Whole evenings of sentimental love films, chocolate popcorn and laughter were absolutely normal and practised at least once a week. She remembered studying to loud punk rock and the difficulties of being queried by someone when you didn't understand a word of what he had said due to the volume.

The moment she knocked on the door it was opened, revealing a disheveled-looking Giovanni, wand at the ready.

"Oh, it's you, Nymphie. Come in."

"Who else have you been expecting?"

She eyed his wand suspiciously and he hurried to put it back on the table next to him.

"An ex-friend of mine. Do you remember Johnny, you know, the one that had been in the state prison of Texas? Our separation wasn't that, well, civilized."

Tonks rolled her eyes at that. Why did Giovanni have to have the habit to choose his lovers by how many times they had been in prison? Dangerous was sexy, okay, but potentially deadly wasn't that persuading. So many gays were able to find a nice guy, but Giovanni out of all, the man with the best taste concerning fashion in the whole Kingdom, had to choose those you better don't meet at night. Tonks always thought he paid for his brilliant taste in one sector with a total lack of sense in the other. One day she would find him someone that wouldn't try to kill him or steal his money. Until then he would have to deal with his ex-lovers on his own.

"So, what leads you here? You're longing for your good old friend Giovanni?"

"I just need someone to listen to me before I'll have a nervous breakdown. You know me the best and maybe you can give me some tips, you have your experiences with men."

"Oho, a man? About time, Nymphie. Your last relationship had been... Oh yeah, you never had one that was worth being called so. So tell me about the man who is able to convince you that we're not all either gay or useless."

Thus she told him everything. How his mere presence confused her, the electricity she felt whenever he got too close, her doubts about him liking her enough to see even a friend in her and the stressing situation she was in. Giovanni listened to all her sorrows and tried to console her as much as he could. He offered her to spend the week-end in his apartment like in the good old times. Tonks looked forward to an evening of _Casablanca _and _Titanic_. The only thing she could imagine being even better would be to spend the week-end with Remus, but seeing as he didn't even want to talk to her, she didn't set much hope on it.

This evening Tonks left Giovanni's apartment with the feeling that everything would turn out fine and there was nothing to worry about. It wasn't as good as the euphoria Remus had caused in her, but it was definitely better than what she had felt like before that visit. But her good humour should only last to the moment she entered 12 Grimmauld Place.

Thanks for the nice reviews! :) Please don't stop commenting and who read it but didn't review until now: START REVIEWING! ;)


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

**Patience**

There was noise all over the house and Mrs Black's screams were not even the loudest ones. Some moments of shock were enough to understand that Molly Weasley was screaming at Sirius because he had been drunk once more. Obviously he had said some things he better shouldn't have. On one side, Tonks could comprehend Sirius. He was all alone – at least most of the time – in this old, gloomy house. The house he grew up in and that he hated so much he left it as soon as there had been the possibility to do so. He was captured, not being able to do anything more than staying inside and delivering messages while his friends fought the war. After all Sirius was still a very extroverted person and didn't like always seeing the same people, always staying in the same place. But on the other side, alcohol was no solution and she didn't want to have to watch her cousin getting more and more rotten. There had to be something else they could do for him.

When no idea came to her mind, she decided to avoid the kitchen where the scene audibly took place. She was neither on Molly's side for she knew that screaming wouldn't change anything at all, nor on Sirius' because he didn't choose the right way. As long as she wasn't able to show him an alternative, Tonks didn't want to involve herself in this fight. She knew that Molly only wanted the best for all of them and that she just knew no other way to get through to Sirius. It didn't work very well, but she had all of Tonks' respect for the attempt.

So where should she go now? The meeting was in about half an hour, surely the argument in the kitchen would be over by then. But for now she had to look for some other place to stay. The library came to her mind. Why not? Maybe she would find Remus up there. Enthusiastically she ran up the stairs, as usual not looking at her feet. And of course she tripped promptly at the end of the stairs. She felt herself loosing her balance and just waited for the painful fall down to the hall when she felt two strong hands grabbing her wrists, pulling her back to even ground. Tonks knew who had caught her by the electricity of his touch. But she refused to open her eyes and inhaled deeply to soothe her racing heart. When her heart rate was back to normal, she finally looked up in the blue-grey eyes of Remus Lupin. He offered her a smile and waited for her to say something. She knew that much, but she didn't know what to make of it. She found herself unable to talk, getting lost in the depth of his beautiful eyes. She felt herself falling and for one second she didn't know whether he had really caught her or whether she just imagined him to be there. Her heart started beating frantically once more. Tonks tried to get herself to say something, anything, to thank him for rescuing her, but she just couldn't. She ought to, everything told her so: her manners, her reason, the gratitude she felt towards him. But his stunning eyes captivated her and erased every coherent thought from her mind.

In the end it was Remus destroying this magic moment by clearing his throat and breaking eye contact.

"You should better take care of where you go, Tonks. I' heard it said that falling down several flights of stairs isn't all too pleasant."

"No, mostly it isn't. Except when they have dessert day at St. Mungo's."

He looked at her curiously.

"Don't you know the dessert day? That's the only day in the year they don't force you to eat that awful stuff they call healthy food and necessary, the menu only contains desserts of all sorts and you can eat as much as you like. My favourite day for accidents. I remember when we were once at Aunt Emily's eightieth birthday, I intently fell from that wall to get away from the boring party and to not miss the dessert day."

"You intently fell from a wall and probably got something broken just to get away from a party and to have some desserts?"

"Sounds like me, yeah."

She grinned at him mischievously and tried to figure out whether he thought her insane or sympathetic. Probably insane, but that was just Tonks. When you're used to accidents of all sorts and broken limbs, it's not that much of a sacrifice any more.

"Good that there are no high walls in here. Otherwise you would probably jump them down to escape Severus' reports, am I right?"

He winked at her and returned her grin. Tonks blushed immediately. So he **did** notice her staring at him instead of listening, as it would have been her duty as a fellow member of the order and respectable Auror. She never thought he would mention it, so it had to be **really **obvious.

"Well, it's not all too interesting to hear him praising himself as a hero. As for insults directed at Sirius, I don't want to hear that stuff. It's hard enough on him to be captured here without others making him feel useless, equal if they hate him or not."

His face fell and he became serious again. Tonks cursed herself for changing the subject in this direction of all.

"So you heard the riot down in the kitchen?"

"How couldn't I? Molly was even louder than Sirius' dear mother. That's why I came up here, to avoid getting in their little dispute."

A trace of disappointment showed on Remus' face, but the next second it was gone and Tonks wasn't sure if she had just imagined it. Why she should he be disappointed? Because she didn't come to the library to search for him? Well, in fact that was the reason why she chose the library out of all the rooms that were usable by now. But why should he care? He didn't make any attempt to talk to her in weeks. If he had wanted to see her, he could have come to sit by her after one of the many extra meetings. She didn't understand this man. Well, it was more that she didn't understand men in general, but this one was even worse than the ones she knew up to now. Either it was because of his complex personality or because of his being a werewolf, also the latter probably influenced his personality highly. Either way he was anything but easy to comprehend.

Remus interrupted her thoughts by looking at his watch and announcing that it was about time to join the meeting. Tonks felt very unsure of herself while walking down next to him, her only relief being that the screaming had stopped. At the meeting she could concentrate even less than otherwise and her eyes switched to Remus every so often. She felt Molly's confused looks on her but she couldn't resist that urge to look at him, think of him and his reasons of acting. It made her anxious to not being able to fight that need although she was very well aware that it showed to everyone who was observing her a little closer. Remus was like an obsession, conquering all her thoughts, feelings, actions. His expression back at the stairs had made her curious, she couldn't stop pondering on why he should be disappointed at her statement. It felt like he had wanted her to say that she came for him, but on the other side he never took a step towards her, not even in an amicable way. He confused her and his firm touch, although it had been nothing but an instinct to stop her from falling, made her shiver with desire. She wanted him like she never wanted anything before. All of him. His thoughts, his feelings, his reasons, his touch, his love, his body. Even the wolf. It was part of him and she couldn't possibly hate something that was tied to him. She had felt attracted to him before, but she couldn't explain what had caused this sudden outburst of feelings, this certainty of her love for him. Was it the pent-up stress of the last weeks, released in his wonderful company? They had been alone for no more than a few minutes, nobody had said anything of matter, but still, this little piece of contact after weeks of abstinence made her absolutely high. Like Remus was some kind of drug to her. Like she was an addict, needing the next shot of his laughter, his presence, to be able to go on, longing for him the rest of the time.

Tonks had always thought of herself as independent. She had always thought that loving someone that way, making yourself so dependent on someone, was a sign of weakness. So either she was weak or she had been wrong. There was no way she could decide that in the state she was in. But surely it wasn't appropriate to love so desperately after just a few weeks in which they didn't have much of contact. She should wait with a confession. To be sure that he felt the same way, although she didn't expect him to. To be sure of what she felt, not just relying on a sudden certainty. To prove the depth of her feelings. Yes, she would wait. She would try to cover this love for now, acting like the highest of feelings she had towards Remus was friendship. Patience wasn't her speciality, but she would have to learn it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

**Moments**

It was hard to stay with her decision. Although there were so many things that should have been able to distract her, every free minute – including those that should originally be used for sleep – was reserved for thoughts of Remus. Just some days before their 'rescue' action she nearly gave in to temptation. She had walked into him in front of the library and – as usual – lost her balance. He had caught her and they had been so close to each other that it would have been very ease to kiss him right there... But Sirius had to choose exactly this moment out of all to walk in on them and ask Remus something about the Ghoul in the attic. Tonks thought he didn't even realise what a beautiful moment he had destroyed.

Time seemed to pass faster as soon as Harry and the children moved in on 12 Grimmauld Place. Everyone was so busy that there had been no possibility to talk to Remus – or Sirius, by the way. She still had to talk him off for the appearance at the library. There was always something else calling for her: work, order business, Molly's insistence on cleaning the whole house with the help of the other members. She didn't forget her intentions for a single second, but there was just no time to act on them.

Now they were back at Grimmauld Place, Harry, Hermione, Ginny, Ron and the others back on their way to Hogwarts. She knew the children would be safe there and it relieved her that Dumbledore had his protective hand upon Harry. The boy had lived through enough.

Molly insisted in keeping up their cleaning sessions, but without the children it was not even half the fun. Moreover it seemed to her that Remus tried to avoid her. Never since the accident at the library she met him on his own and as soon as she entered a room where there was nobody but them, he always found an excuse to leave the room almost immediately. Looked like he didn't even want to be friends with her. It was time for Giovanni.

Their film evening had had to be cancelled because of his new lover. Tonks didn't think much of him for he was just another ex-prisoner. The one time she met him since the beginning of their relationship, he had been anything but polite and – not to her surprise – it had been over after no more than a week. Afterwards there hadn't been time for them to make up for the missed evening up to now. So Tonks sent an owl and asked if he had time tonight. His answer was positive, making her conclude that there was no boyfriend at the moment. She chose _Pride and Prejudice _for she was in mood for Jane Austen and bought incredible amounts of chocolate popcorn and ice cream at the next supermarket. She felt like she owned that much to herself for all the emotional and otherwise stress of the last weeks.

In fact this had been just what she had needed. As soon as she walked in Giovanni hugged her and sat down on the couch with her. Tonks confessed everything she had felt since their last encounter and he did his best to console her. He thought it right of her to wait, but now that the biggest stress was over, he suggested she should take her chance and give it a try. Tonsk wasn't so sure about this and so she changed the subject and listened to his report about the several criminal boyfriends he had had throughout the last weeks. She would never understand what attracted him so much to those breaking the law. What was so great about stealing money or hurting people out of boredom? She was just grateful that none of those guys had harmed him up to now.

There was a lot of crying and when they put in the film, there was even more of it. They ate all the chocolate popcorn and ice cream, adding some extra chocolate and strawberry popcorn that Giovanni had bought. In the end they were so fatigue they feel asleep on the couch, TV still on and packaging all over the floor. The next morning they couldn't eat anything for breakfast as they still felt sick from the unusual amount of sweets from last night. So they just poured some cups of coffee, sat back on the couch without bothering to change their clothes and watched all parts of _Scary Movie. _Although Tonksknew all of them nearly by heart, she still laughed heartily at all of her favourite parts. She and Giovanni had discovered them once they went to the cinema out of boredom and with no real idea what they should watch.

Around noon they were able to eat something again, using this to show up at their favourite Chinese restaurant. Afterwards they went shopping in Diagon Alley and in the evening, surrounded by their purchases, they watched _Casablanca. _The crying started anew until finally nobody knew if they were crying about Tonks' situation, or Giovanni's, or just about the film. When she left the next morning she felt like reborn and able to face Remus and confess her feelings for him. If he didn't run away before she had the opportunity to do so.

At home, Tonks rummaged through the bags from Madame Malkin's until she found it: the beautiful red dress they had bought yesterday. Usually she didn't wear dresses, but it was a special occasion and she wanted to look as pretty and feminine as possible. So she put on the dress, carefully draped her cloak so no one except for Remus would see what she was wearing and apparated to Grimmauld Place.

Her high mood was lowered a little by the fact that the first thing she found when she arrived was a drunken Sirius sleeping in the kitchen and drooling on the table. He really let himself go, they had to do something, and soon. Shaking her head and not wanting to distract her from her initial intention – for she feared to lose her courage if she let her mind wander off – she headed up the stairs to the library, hoping dearly that he would be there.

Of course he was, like always when Sirius' behaviour got too much to bear. He heard her entering and saw her beaming at him, immediately responding with a broad smile of his own. As much as he denied himself her company, – especially after the incident in front of the library when he nearly gave in and kissed her - he always loved to have her around. She made him smile and he felt comfortable with her. Until she let down that coat.

The sight in front of him took his breath away. He had never doubted that Nymphadora Tonks was definitely feminine, but seeing her in a dress, a red dress, by the way, that really flattered her curves was just too much. Remus felt his throat go dry and his eyes widen. He never saw so much of her and it would have been a lie had he said that he wasn't pleased with what he saw. She looked gorgeous and her hair... it wasn't her usual pink but a beautiful shade of black, curling down to her back. It seemed to him that she was a few inches smaller than usual, her skin was a porcelain tone and her eyes were so blue they nearly glowed in the half-light caused by the fire in the chimney. He didn't know what made her change like that... and then it struck him: That had to be her original shape! It was definitely none that Tonks would have chosen for herself, not by what he knew of her character. She didn't look like the strong, brave warrior she was, more like a fragile doll. Beautiful, sexy, yes, but somehow, at the same time, not _tough. _He was sure that this was the reason she never took on her normal shape. It wasn't what she wanted people to see in her and knowing how much they relied on externals, she changed it after her character: rebellious and sparkling with life. Both sides of her attracted him equally, but what could make her appear in the library in her original shape, wearing a red dress? No, that couldn't be... could it?

"Remus, I... I have something to say to you."

He had to clear his throat to be able to say anything at all.

"Go on. You can tell me." He forced a smile on his face.

"I-"

The door opened all of a sudden, hitting her right in the back. Sirius stumbled into the room, tripped over his own feet and landed on top of Tonks. They had a hard time until he finally got off of her, and when he was back in his own two feet, Sirius turned to Remus.

"Moony, this dream again. I can't go back to sleep like that. I need someone to talk with."

As much as he loved his old friend, there were days he could kill him for his bad timing. Sighing, he gave in and looked over to Tonks. He saw his own disappointment reflected in her beautiful face and dearly hoped that there was a time he would learn what she had wanted to say.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

**It's Christmas!**

The next morning he blessed Sirius for the very same thing he could have killed him for yesterday. After a night of thinking, he came to the conclusion that he better didn't learn what Tonks had wanted to say. It seemed far too much to be something that would tempt him to give in. And he simply couldn't do that to her. She had shown up in her most fragile state and it wouldn't be fair of him to take and hurt her. Such a beautiful, lively woman didn't deserve an old werewolf who had nothing to offer but a broken life and mortal danger.

So he decided to avoid her as much as he could. There were no longer extra meetings for Harry was absolutely safe at Hogwarts, what made things easier. At the usual ones he situated himself in the corner farthest away from her, next to Mundungus and the Weasley twins. This way he had a lot to laugh and to distract him so that he wouldn't end up staring at her all evening. Whenever he got to know that she was in the house, he found himself some other gloomy, unclean room he could fix where she wouldn't find him. Sirius told him that she really searched him and was sometimes staying in the library till late in the night to wait for him. But Remus wasn't stupid enough to go back to the library. He had always been good at finding secret passages and Grimmauld Place had nearly as much as Hogwarts itself. So he got back to his room without her noticing it. He had even been careful enough to lock up the door so that she couldn't get in and wait for him there. At worst he had to stay in one of the rooms he had just cleaned, but he preferred his own bed which he had charmed quite comfortable.

With so much strategy behind his avoiding Tonks, there wasn't even one day they met each other without at least five others being around. Remus didn't trust Sirius enough to let him count, as Sirius always told him how silly his little games actually were. He couldn't see what was wrong with his old friend and his little cousin being together, as long as they both wanted it. And they definitely wanted each other desperately, that much was obvious. Christmas time approached and the house wasn't even a bit less depressing than otherwise. Sirius was very sad about this outcome, as he had hoped to have at least one cheerful pair residing in the hell of his childhood. But Remus wasn't about to give in and so he would have to figure out something else...

Since that night at the library Tonks hadn't changed back to her normal shape. She actually hated it, but had thought it best to confess her feelings to Remus. He should see her true self, in appearance as much as in character, so he wouldn't fall – if he fell – for someone that wasn't her. She didn't think him the man to rely on externals, seeing that he was victim to so much prejudice, but one can never be sure. So she stopped making herself assailable and changed to her usual pink hair and average stature. She everything but appreciated those horribly blue eyes that made most people very uncomfortable with her, or this sensible porcelain skin that couldn't stand more than a few rays of sunlight. The only thing she liked about her natural appearance was the silky black hair she had inherited from her Spanish grandmother. And this she mostly hid to honour her memory. Her grandparents had died a few years ago in a very cruel car accident. It had been Giovanni, and, when he had had the time to come over, Charlie, who had comforted her until she had been able to change her hair back to pink again. But she loved her grandmother so dearly she still couldn't change it back to normal without crying as soon as she saw her reflection in a mirror. Only the thought of Remus had kept her from such a state that night.

Now she wasn't so sure about her decision. Had it been the right thing to do? Or had she scared him away? He seemed to avoid her with great success and she couldn't help but thinking that this was due to what she had done that night. Or intended to do. Surely he knew what she wanted to say and just didn't feel the same way. She had to admit that she hadn't thought him such a coward that he couldn't even tell her, but maybe that had to do with his polite manners. Hurting a woman wasn't a thing she could imagine him doing. Although he was doing a great job at it right now.

Christmas became much happier than any of them had actually foreseen. Although the presence of the children had been caused by Arthur's terrible encounter with Voldemort's snake, Sirius was more cheerful than neither Remus nor Tonks had seen him in the past months. As soon as they knew that Arthur would make it through, it was indeed a really festive mood in the old house. And Sirius hadn't forgotten his plans over his new-found joy. So it happened that on Christmas Eve, Remus sat in the library, relying on Sirius' information that Tonks would spend the holidays with her own family. This way she was able to surprise him in the middle of his lecture without him noticing her beforehand – saying without the possibility to flee the room.

"Oh, Tonks. I didn't hear you coming. I thought you're spending the holidays with your parents?"

"I was at my parents' today, but I never intended to stay there the whole Christmas time. Seems like Sirius has got you, hm?"

"Yeah, seems like it."

Remus swore to take revenge. Cruel revenge.

"So what are you doing here? It's nearly midnight on Christmas Eve and you're sitting alone in a library? Not very social of you, Mr. Lupin. I hope the book is worth it."

"It is, indeed. Have you ever heard of Jane Austen?"

"Of course I have! She's great! Not to be compared to these horrible wizards and witches who call themselves authors. I always thought that Muggles have much more fantasy than the likes of us. Maybe it's because our world is already full of magic whereas they have to imagine all of this, but whatever the reason, I've never read a single good novel written by a wizard."

There he had to agree. Most magical authors were not worth taking a look at.

"So, what are you reading right now?"

"_Pride and Prejudice."_

"Oh, so you just started, right?"

"How do you know?"

"People who start reading her novels always begin with _Pride and Prejudice. _I'm not saying anything against it, as I'm guilty of this literary sin myself, but it's not the one I liked best. If you want my advise, go on with _Persuasion. _One of my favourites."

She smiled at him and he returned that smile. He was tempted to follow her advise and as he didn't saw any bad in doing so, he decided to look if it was beneath the books they had bought at Flourish&Blotts.

"Do you mind if I sit down with you? I promise I won't disturb you're reading, I'm just a little bored. I tried to find Sirius for the children and Molly are already asleep, but I couldn't find him anywhere. He's nearly as good in hiding as you are."

He choked on his own saliva. So she noticed it. Was he imagining the hurt tone in her voice?

"I... I don't know what you mean."

"Oh, come on. You know pretty well what I mean. You avoided me for the last months, ever since that night in the library. I'm really sorry if I did anything to offend you..."

"No, no, you didn't offend me. It's just... well, it's hard to explain..."

He didn't look at her and she thought she saw him blushing a bit.

"You don't have to continue. I know what you want to say. It's okay. You mustn't worry about hurting my feelings or anything. You're just not feeling the same way, no one can blame you for that..."

Wait... She was thinking he didn't lov- um, like her? Did he just nearly say 'love'? This whole evening was way too much for him and once more he cursed Sirius for giving him wrong information.

"No, no, it's not that. I like you, it's just..."

"It's just what?"

Her eyes bore into his and he didn't know what to say any more. He certainly couldn't tell her the truth, she wouldn't understand. Nobody understood. So all he could do was fighting the burning urge to kiss her with all the passion he locked up inside him. It was almost ridiculous how he could stay so immobile with such a battle going on inside of him.

Silence filled the room and he knew Tonks was waiting for an answer, but he was sure he would either scream out his true feelings or just kiss her if he dared to open his mouth right now. Disappointed, she turned away and moved towards the door. The moment she tried to cross the threshold, a mistletoe appeared above her head, capturing her on the spot. Now they knew what Sirius had been up to, at least.

"Oh, no."

Tonks looked really uncomfortable with her situation. Captured under a mistletoe, the only man being there to help her the one she was madly in love with but not knowing what he felt for her. She gave him a pleading look to get over this soon and brief. Remus knew that usually, a little kiss on the cheek would do, but knowing Sirius he wasn't so sure that this was one of the normal spells. He tried not to think of it, but images of him kissing Tonks like he **actually **wanted to crossed his mind. Was he able to resist kissing her right when he got so close to her? And what if Sirius' spell forced him to do so? It would reveal all of his feelings for her and he knew he was a lost man as soon as she knew, too. But there was no other way round and so he finally walked over to her. He placed a chaste kiss on her cheek and quickly stepped back, feeling his lips burning where they had touched her soft skin. He could almost taste her and the thought – mixed with the sensations it caused – made him blush furiously. Tonks tried to get away, but the spell seemed untouched by their little show. Their eyes locked and he knew with an unknown certainty that there was no other way but kissing her like he longed for. Taking a deep breath, not breaking eye contact, he stepped closer. Carefully, he took her beautiful face in his hands and kissed her. He tried to hold back the passion that pulsed through his veins, but when he felt her tongue entering his mouth, he knew she wouldn't let him. So he gave in and kissed her with all he was worth, feeling her melt against him. A rain of gold went down on them, but none of them cared. Time seemed to have stopped as to not disturb the perfection of this moment, when they heard someone clearing his throat behind them.

They broke away and turned around, just to see Sirius smirking at them. He looked years younger, almost like on the photos of Lily's and James' wedding he had shown her.

"Sorry, I didn't want to interrupt you. I just thought someone should tell you that you don't have to go any farther to break the spell. For the rest I would like you to take on of the rooms. Oh, yeah, and I didn't want you to die at a lack of oxygen."

With that he disappeared into the dark corridor, his giggling audible for both of them. When Tonks turned around to ask Remus where he wanted to go, he nearly ran past her, disappearing as fast as his friend some seconds ago. Confused and hurt, Tonks stood leaning against the door frame not able to decide whether she should leave or stay.


	11. Chapter 11

Sorry for the delay, I was on vacation and had no time to write a new chapter. But here it goes now :)

**Chapter 11**

**Whose fault?**

Their kiss didn't seem to change anything at all. Remus continued his little hiding game and Tonks knew she wouldn't be able to find him until he wanted to be found. He wouldn't rely on information from Sirius anymore. None of the others knew about Tonks' feelings, so her only supporter was useless by now. She knew it wasn't his fault, that he didn't mean to ruin everything. Besides, there had been nothing to ruin beforehand. Remus never showed any intention to be with her and Tonks thought it about time to give in. Or, better said, she would have thought so if there hadn't been that kiss. Night after night she lay awake and tried to preserve the feel of it. She was quite sure that nothing like this would happen again, so she had all the more reason to save that one memory she had of being so close to him. No matter how many times she returned to that scene whilst lieing in bed, her heart always started to beat frantically whenever she thought of him kissing her. To be exact, kissing her as he had when Sirius disturbed them. Tonks was sure she wasn't able to imagine all that passion and love that had been in his kiss. But if he really loved her, why would he try to hide from her? Either he was a very good actor or her imagination was running wild. Remus Lupin didn't want Nymphadora Tonks. He never had and he never would, no matter what she wanted. Or how she longed for him.

The memories and the certainty that there was no chance to have him took away what little sleep she had had left since she had entered the order. She did her best to hide her state, mixing potions to prevent her from falling asleep during a meeting or work. But her concentration was low and the days went by without her noticing it. It became harder to hold up her cheerful manner. Usually it was natural to her but right now she felt like hiding away in her bed, spending her days with sleep and crying. Some of the others seemed to notice, like Moody or Molly. Sirius guessed what was wrong with her and the rest didn't care. Sometimes there was a mean comment from Mundungus or Snape, but she didn't pay any attention to it. To be honest, she never paid much attention to the meetings, trying her best not to fall asleep or to stare at Remus.

"Moony, you can't tell me you didn't notice! What are you doing? I mean, do you ever even look at her?"

"That's exactly what I'm trying not to do, thanks Sirius."

"Then you should risk a short glance the next time she is here. Moony, what you're doing to her is not a game. Stop hiding like a little child and speak to her, damn it!"

"I'm not going to speak to her, Sirius, no matter how much you're cursing. And whatever it is you mean, I'm not responsible for anything that has to do with Nymphadora."

"Don't lie to yourself, Remus! You know exactly that you **are **responsible for her state!"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Sirius."

Remus returned emphatically to his book. All he wanted to do was blocking out Sirius and his allegations, but when he saw which book he held in his hands, he regretted his decision. It was Jane Austen's _Persuasion_, the book Tonks had advised him on Christmas. Thinking of that day was still hard on him, even though it was February by now. Whenever he thought of this night, he felt the urge to know her better. She had surprised him by preferring Muggle authors, especially by liking Jane Austen. He had never thought her someone to read her novels. Remus wanted to know what Tonks was really like, not the side she showed to the others. She had shown him so different facets those two nights he had come close enough to notice something that he wanted to see all the others as well. He longed to be the person who knew her best, to discover every little detail about her. But the only way he could do so would be to let her in and he couldn't let that happen. She shouldn't be involved with someone like him and he would prevent her from being so. It wasn't important what Sirius had to say.

"She looks horrible, Moony. She is as pale as a ghost and the dark circles beneath her eyes are frightening. I tried to talk to her but she didn't even concentrate on the conversation. I found potions in her pocket. Potions to hinder her falling asleep during the meetings. She doesn't sleep any more and I'm pretty sure that it **has **to do with you. Better said with the fact that you kissed her on Christmas and ran away afterwards. Yeah, don't look at me like that, I know what you did."

Remus stayed silent. There was nothing he could say to that. The only thing he knew was that Sirius had given him wrong information once before to get him to talk to Tonks. He would have to check his report about her health from the distance.

Two weeks later he was convinced that there was something wrong with Tonks. He had caught a glimpse at her from time to time and she always looked as horrible as Sirius had described it. Although her hair was still bubblegum pink and she tried to be as cheerful as before he could see that she was on the edge. Even her potions – he had seen the bottles in her pockets when he had crossed the cloakroom one day – couldn't prevent her from nodding off now and then. Especially when Snape was talking. Remus still didn't know why he should be responsible for any of this, but he knew that she needed someone to talk to. He couldn't be with her, but he could be her friend. He could listen to her and help her. Surely there was another reason for her behaviour than that kiss on Christmas. There was no way it could mean much to her, so it wouldn't stand between them.

It was nearly April when he decided to put his plan into action. He made himself comfortable in the library, knowing from Sirius that she still came here whenever she was at Grimmauld Place. It didn't take long and she entered the room in fact. When she saw him she made to turn away and leave, but this time Remus stopped her.

"Tonks, wait! I wanted to talk to you."

She looked at him as if he was a ghost. After some seconds her expression turned to incredulous.

"Since when do you talk to me?"

"I never..."

"Oh, come on, Lupin, don't say it. Don't lie to me. I know you avoided me at all cost. What made you change your behaviour?"

"Well, um, I... I wanted to talk to you. You look like you could need someone to talk to."

"If it were like that, I wouldn't choose you to be my interlocutor. I have friends to listen to me and they don't run away whenever they see me. So thanks for your offer, but I would prefer to go now."

She turned again and Remus couldn't bear to see her going away from him like that. He definitely hurt her, something he had never intended to do.

"Tonks, I am sorry. I know that my behaviour was childish. I never meant to hurt you, but I can see that I did. You don't have to, but if you like to tell me what is wrong I will listen and try to help you. I promise that I won't run away."

He tried to smile but he knew that it looked rather sheepish than honest.

"There is nothing I could say to you, Remus. You **could **help me, but I know you won't."

"Of course I will help you. Just tell me what it is you want me to do and I'll be yours."

"Don't make promises you can't keep. You won't help me because it wouldn't fit with your conscience."

"How do you know without asking me?"

"I'm not as stupid as most think me to be. I trust my intuition when it comes to things like that."

"Just tell me what you want."

"You're really sure that you want to know?"

"I am."

A voice in the back of his mind screamed at him that it was the wrong answer. That she would tell him what he hadn't wanted to hear that night in the library so many months ago. That she was right when she said that he couldn't help her because her wish was against his conscience. All of a sudden he knew exactly what she was about to say. But it was too late to stop her from saying it out loud.

"I want you, Remus. I love you. And the problem is, that I can't have you."

She quitted the room.

_It is all my fault._


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

**Chasing thoughts**

This night Remus couldn't find any sleep. He just stared at the ceiling, Tonks' words ringing in his ears. She loved him. She wanted him. It made his heart beat so fast he feared it would jump out of his chest. He remembered every detail of that kiss on Christmas, of that evening in the library. Why didn't he notice? It was obvious, now that he was thinking about it. But maybe that was just the reason why he hadn't realized it earlier: He had forbidden himself to even think about it, to dream of Nymphadora Tonks. He hadn't wanted to think that she might love him because there was just no way for a love like this. After all, he was a werewolf what made him too dangerous. Not even mentioning the age difference or the fact that he didn't own enough money to buy new clothes. He loved Tonks, actually he loved her so much that he didn't want her to end up with someone like him. What was there he could offer her? His love? Why would she want **that**? She could have everyone, men who had more to offer. For example a peaceful life. Instead of one where she always would have to fear a visit from Greyback. At the thought that this disgusting creature would lay his dirty hands on Tonks as soon as they would be together, he was sure he was doing the right thing. Remus John Lupin was dangerous himself and moreover he brought other, worse dangers with him. When the picture of her state came back to his mind, he chased it away with the image of her shattered body after a werewolf attack.

She felt that she was on the edge. And that she should do something about it. The potions didn't work any more, the lack of sleep was too big for them. Her head was spinning all the time and her vision became blurry now and then. She nodded off in meetings, even at work, no matter whether she had paperwork on her desk or real missions. But she was afraid to go to St. Mungos. Moody would think her weak, as well as most of the order. She would be ashamed of herself. So there was just one person left that could help her: Giovanni.

It was around midnight when she stood in front of his door, waiting for him to come out. She knew it probably wasn't fair for he might have to work early the next morning, but she couldn't bear to be alone in her apartment any more. Not even a second longer. The door opened and he blinked her, still a bit sleepy.

"Nymphie, what are you doing here? What happened?"

"Well, um... Nothing, to be exact."

"You know how late it is, yeah?"

"Yes, I know. I just... I'm really sorry but I couldn't bear to stay at home and I didn't know anywhere else to go."

"You know that you still have parents, even though you moved out some years ago, right?"

He tried his best to look angry, but Tonks could see the amusement he hid.

"I know. But I'm not sure Mum and Dad would want to listen to me rambling about the stupid werewolf I fell in love with. I'm already happy that they don't know that you're gay or that your favourite men are criminals."

"Yeah, Andromeda has got some problems with getting over her prejudices. But you have to admit that she progresses, after all she married a Muggleborn and raised you."

Now they both couldn't help but laughing. Tonks knew exactly why she chose Giovanni to console her. No one else could make her laugh at this point. As soon as they calmed down, he made her sit on his couch.

"So, my dear Nymphie. I've never seen you looking so terrible and I witnessed the times you thought grey with dark green strands was actually beautiful. So, what is it?"

She told him everything. The kiss. The night in the library. How she stopped sleeping weeks ago and that even her potions didn't help. He nodded at everything, looking worried but not interrupting her once. But when she ended, he had something to say.

"Nymphie, really, I know you hate it and dessert day was just a few days ago, but you should go to St. Mungos. I don't care what your crazy suicide order says or how Mad-Eye's normal eye will look at you, I just want you to be healthy, if I can't make you happy. This bloke should thank Merlin that I don't know where he lives."

"Giovanni, you already made me happy. A few hours ago I was convinced I forgot how to laugh or smile. Can't I just stay a few days and if it doesn't get better go to St. Mungos?"

"I guess that's okay. Right now there's no one to disturb the two of us."

"Now it's your turn. Tell me what happened since the last time I was here."

"Nymphie, you have enough problems yourself, do you really want to add mine?"

"Of course I want to."

So she listened to his stories. It helped. She felt much better doing something for him instead of always being consoled without any consideration. His problems weren't big enough to depress her further, but listen to them made her feel that the world moved on, no matter what it felt like for her. It was nearly three o'clock in the morning when they stopped talking and went to bed. For the first time in weeks, Tonks fell asleep with her head on Giovanni's chest, listening to his soothing heart beat.

She awoke in the late afternoon of the following day. Giovanni had slipped out of his bed without waking her and so she had slept almost all day long. She wasn't used to such an amount of sleep and although many hours of sleep had passed, she still felt tired. There was no point in staying in bed, so she rose and made herself something to eat. She hadn't been this hungry in what seemed to be months. After nearly an hour in the bathroom she moved to the living room, waiting for Giovanni to come home. Tonks didn't know what to do on her own and as long as he was away she felt the same emptiness which followed her ever since she fell in love with Remus. Sirius and Giovanni could chase it away, sometimes even Moody. But only being around **him** made it disappear completely. Tonks went to Giovanni's bookshelf to prevent herself from thinking of Remus. There were some of Shakespeare's tragedies, but she didn't know if she could take tragic love at the moment. The comedies were much better in her state and so she grabbed some of them, making herself comfortable on the couch. After a while she started to freeze and lit a fire in the chimney. That way she spent more than three hours, until she finally heard steps on the stairs outside. She hurried to the door to open it for Giovanni, when all of a sudden, on top of the staircase that led to the hallway, her vision became blurry again. Tonks had time to think that jumping up that quickly after a whole day of lieing and sitting hadn't been one of her best ideas before everything went black and she felt herself falling.

The next time she opened her eyes she was blended by harsh light. She tried to shift herself in a more comfortable position, where the light wouldn't be directly above her yes. But as soon as she tried a wave of pain rolled through her whole body, nearly sending her back into unconsciousness.

"I think she moved. Nymphie? Nymphie, can you hear me?"

She wanted to answer to Giovanni's familiar voice, but she found herself unable to talk. What happened to her?

"Even if she moved, she will need some time until she is able to speak or do anything but lieing in this bed, Mr. Riviera. Her injuries were quite serious and her state was even worse. It will take a while to recover from such a lack of sleep and food."

She heard steps and the shutting of the door. Giovanni put an extra pillow beneath her head. She thanked him in silence for being able to read her mind like that. Giovanni always knew what to do. Slowly she tried to open her eyes or use her voice. None of it caused pain, so she thought it better than trying to move again. Finally, after what seemed to be hours, her eyelids lifted and she could look at her best friend.

"Hi Nymphie. Nice to know that you're still there."

He grinned at her, but she could see the sorrow in his face. The injuries had had to be really bad because he was quite used to her being in hospital. The last time he had been worried she had almost died. She wanted to know what had happened and how long she had been lieing here, but all that came out was a caw she didn't recognize as her voice.

"You don't need to speak, try to rest a bit. You fell down the stairs and I brought you here. Your spine was broken, as well as several ribs, the base of your scull, your left arm and leg and part of your hip. I thought you were dead when I saw you lieing there. The healers were worried if they would be able to save your life and the fact that you hadn't slept or eaten for a few weeks didn't help either. Never do this again to me, Nymphie. You're my best friend, there's no one else I could run to when Johnny tries to kill me."

She did her best to smile at him, not caring that even this little movement hurt like hell. Tonks tried to form her last question with her eyes and it seemed like the message arrived.

"It was Tuesday when you fell. Now we have Saturday. I'd like to tell you that I didn't leave your bed once, but the job called. But I'm sure Robert cared for you as well as I would have."

She lifted an eyebrow – another wave of pain that bordered on agony – to ask him about that Robert. Giovanni blushed – something she hadn't seen him doing in about twelve years – and talked much faster than was necessary.

"Oh, you know, he's a healer in St. Mungos and I talked to him while I waited for you to awake. He's really nice. He thought we were a pair. Can you believe it? The two crazy gits we are? Well, and I told him that I'm not interested in women, you know that I'm not shy when it comes to confessing my sexuality (how true) and said that we're best friends and that you lived with me and then he brought me a cup of coffee one day and he told me about his parents and everything..."

Giovanni stopped using punctuation marks – always a sign that he fell for someone. She had never seen him so nervous before. Seemed like he really liked Robert. And why not? She would pay attention to that man, but he couldn't be worse than Giovanni's usual dates. He went on for at least half an hour, then he looked at his clock, blushed again and apologized that he needed to go to work now. She wasn't mad at him, in fact she was almost relieved that he stopped talking. Not that she didn't like the idea of him falling for someone nice, but it was really exhausting to listen to him when he talked so fast and she was already tired after such a little time awake.

The next day she woke up in the morning and found Dr. Robert Faste at her side.

"Good morning, Miss Tonks. I hope you're better now. Do you want a pillow or anything?"

She shook her head and ignored the pain that rushed through her.

"Could you try to talk for me? If it still doesn't work, I have a potion that could help."

Tonks tried to answer him, but there was no use. Her voice still refused to work.

"Okay, that's not surprising. I'll help you swallow the potion and then you can try again."

So he did and finally there came more than a caw when she opened her mouth. Her voice was still hoarse, but she could talk.

"Thank you very much. It's really exhausting when you can't talk."

She smiled at him and he returned a grin.

"I imagined that much. Sorry, but I didn't have time to make the potion earlier and my trainees – well, I didn't want to poison you."

"That's no problem. Had Giovanni been here?"

"He had looked after you a little earlier but had to leave for work. Shall I tell him to come as soon as he's finished?"

"No, it's okay. I've got the impression that he will turn up on his own."

She bore her eyes into his. Dr. Faste suddenly seemed to be at a lack of words.

"Well, surely, you're his best friend after all..."

"That's not what I meant. Can I ask you a question? It's quite personal and I don't mind if you don't want to answer, I'm just curious."

"Well... Okay. Ask."

"Are you gay?"

He nearly choked on his own saliva and she knew that she hit a point.

"Why do you ask?"

"I know some and I just wanted to verify if my instinct is alright. You don't have to answer."

"I guess there's no reason why I shouldn't admit it. At least not to you. You're instinct's working perfectly well."

"Thank you very much. A second question. Would you mind going out with Giovanni?"

He blushed so deep that Tonks feared he would get a heart attack, but he recovered quickly.

"Why are you asking?"

"Well, he seemed to be interested. I just wanted to know if he may finally gets to a date with a person that is worth his time."

Now he grinned at her.

"I would like to go out with him. He seemed a very nice and caring person."

"Oh, he's the best. If he weren't gay I would try to get him myself. Do you want to ask or shall I arrange something now that I can use my voice?"

"I think I'll ask myself. You're really sure that he is interested?"

He looked as nervous as Giovanni the other day. Maybe Tonks fulfilled her promise to organize someone that would make her friend truly happy.

"Definitely."

Robert smiled at her one last time before he left the room to get her other potions. Tonks closed her eyes and prayed that they would chase Remus out of her dreams. He still hunted her thoughts when she was awake and it was hard to eat all of what the other healer brought her around midday. At least he didn't know about her little accident. Hopefully she got out soon enough that no one in the order would notice.

She hadn't expected Moody to turn into a newsletter.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

**Hope**

In the evening there was a knock on her door. She thought that it would be Giovanni, so she called to come in. To her utmost surprise, half of the order stood in front of her bed, bringing loads of flowers with them. She was shocked and a bit ashamed that they found out about her mistake, but more than everything else she wanted to know how they learned about it.

"How do you know that I'm here?"

"Well, by now we know you enough to guess that you're probably in St. Mungos if you disappear for a few days. Besides, Mad-Eye told us what happened. The healers informed the Auror office for you."

Kingsley grinned at her and Tonks shook her head. Mad-Eye had told them about her accident? Mad-Eye never talked about anything and although she knew that he liked her, she had never thought that he would tell the order about her personal life. At least if lieing in a hospital was part of your personal life.

"How are you, little one?"

Mad-Eye stepped directly in front of her, kneading a little bouquet of pink roses in his hands.

"I can't move by now, but it gets better. Thank you, Mad-Eye. They are beautiful."

She didn't know that he knew her favourite flowers. His attempt to smile at her was more like a grimace and so he hurried to put the flowers into a vase, avoiding her eyes. By now he probably knew that this hadn't been one of his best ideas.

One after another the others stepped forward and asked how she felt or if she needed something. After at least fifteen times of 'I hope you'll get better soon' she was so exhausted that they gave in and went back to headquarters. There was just enough time for her to notice that not just Sirius, but Remus as well hadn't been there before she fell asleep.

Remus sat in the library and tried to distract himself with a few books. It didn't work too well, especially because he knew that the others were in St. Mungos to visit Tonks. Just Sirius had to stay in Grimmauld Place and Remus tried to convince himself that the only reason he had stayed behind was that he didn't want Sirius to be all alone in this gloomy house. If he was honest with himself, he had to admit that he couldn't bear seeing her like that and then just walk away. He would want to stay at her side and that would betray his feelings for her. But it didn't matter how often he told himself that he couldn't go, his very being longed to be at her side, to know how she was and if he could do anything for her. Of course he knew that he could offer her to be with him, but that was exactly what he couldn't allow. He threw the book across the room without feeling any better. He was angry with himself for being such a coward. The images of Tonks being seriously injured chased his dreams, his waking hours. The mere thought of her being in such a state as Mad-Eye had described made him feel helpless. It hurt so much to imagine her pain. He would prefer a full moon to the agony it caused him. Especially because he knew it was his fault. If he had been with her, he wouldn't have let her fallen down the stairs. He would have been there and she would have slept peacefully at his side, save and secure. She would have eaten enough, they would have been happy. Tiredly he shook his head. There was no point in dreaming of them as a pair. She never would be safe around him and the fact that he would always be around her to prevent her from falling was not all too persuading, considering that this was just possible because he had no job. No, he wouldn't visit her, he would stop hurting them both by acting as if there was a chance for them.

A week later Tonks was able to leave St. Mungos. Giovanni had had several dates with Robert and so she thought that it would be a wise decision to move out as soon as possible. She hadn't taken many things with her the night she came to him, so she would be ready very quickly. She kissed Giovanni goodbye, shook Robert's hand and returned to her dark, empty flat.

Nothing had changed since she left it the last time, except for several layers of dust. Tonks would have to call for her mother for she was too bad at house holding spells to remove them herself. There was no way she could do it the Muggle way for moving too much still hurt. Exhausted, she fell into one of her comfortable armchairs and waited for sleep to come. She still had to catch up a lot of it.

Another few days later she returned to Grimmauld Place and participated in meetings. She noticed that Remus treated her even colder than before, but she tried her best to ignore it because thinking about his behaviour made things worse. Tonks didn't want to end up in St. Mungos again. At least she could console herself with the fact the he had never said out loud that he didn't love her. Most likely because he didn't want to hurt her feelings, but still he hadn't said it. That was the only thing that kept her alive through the weeks that followed. The thought that he never said that there was no future for them. That just maybe there was a way she could still make him fall for her. Her dreams were all about this little spark of hope and in the mornings she awoke cheerful and with pink hair, thinking that today could be her chance if she only stopped acting like a lovesick fool and behaved like herself for a change. Little did she know that she caused the exact opposite.

Remus was convinced that she got over her crush on him. She was back to her old self, lively and vibrant and pink. That way he loved her much more than as a wreck, a mere shadow of herself, like she had been in the weeks and months after Christmas. He hoped that she found someone else that made her happy, although in the depth of his heart and soul he knew he would hate that man, whoever it was. But Tonks deserved so much more that he just couldn't take her himself. Even jealousy wasn't strong enough to make him change his mind. So Tonks continued trying her best to seem normal and Remus continued imagining her with another man. It was painful for both of them, but as much as he tried to fight it there was still hope in him. Maybe one day there was a chance for them. If Tonks left that guy she went out with, if the war was over, if Greyback was dead, if there could be a world where he wasn't shunned because of what he was. Not very probable, but maybe possible.

Time passed more or less quickly and Remus still stayed away from Tonks. She didn't seem to notice and as much as he told himself that he was happy about it, it hurt so much that it minimized his sleep. He didn't want to, but whenever he lay in bed he imagined what that happy guy looked like. He wished that he treated her as well as he would have if he wasn't a werewolf, thirteen years older and poor. Remus longed for something to distract his mind and soon enough he and Sirius sat in the kitchen when all of a sudden, Harry's head appeared in the fireplace. Remembering the old times was painful, but there was still that warm feeling that filled his soul whenever he thought about the Marauders – well, except for Peter, nowadays. Of course they had been prats, Sirius and James right on top of the list, and Remus was proud that Harry was reasonable enough to behave otherwise, but they had been kids. Teens. Harry had never had anything that resembled a real childhood, the home he was raised in held no love for him, people were just interested in his fame, not in him and Voldemort tried to kill him whenever he got the chance. He had no parents and except for himself and Sirius no one who could tell him about them. Remus understood why it was hard on him to think of his dad as a careless idiot who liked to torture Snape a little and was hated by the girl he loved madly. But time had changed James Potter, enough to make him a person that anyone would be proud to call his father. In fact it made him a person Lily Evans could fall for. Harry was still too young, inspite of all he had to bear, to understand that a little time and some formative experiences could change a person to the very core. James had been a great friend all along and he had become a great man. Remus didn't know how to make Harry understand, but he was sure that one day, the boy would learn it himself. Sirius next to him seemed to revel in the same thoughts and Remus felt that he wasn't the only one who enjoyed the thoughts of the Marauders. After Harry had disappeared, they sat down at the table and continued with their nostalgia, mourning the fact that half of their friends were either dead or traitors, celebrating that they at least had had a friendship like that, no matter how it had ended.

For the first time in months Remus was able to sleep. The beautiful memories hunted his sleep and the hope he had tried to bury deep inside came back to the surface. He knew that back then, as a Marauder, careless and brave, he would have been with Tonks, not caring what the consequences could be. If he would have been able to do it then, there was the possibility that he could do it somewhere in the future. Maybe there would be the perfect moment, the moment in which he would tell her how much he loved her. Maybe he would even marry her. It wasn't for sure and he would let destiny follow its ways, but the spark of hope was born.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

**Truth**

This little spark was all that remained of their afternoon of nostalgia. Now and then Sirius and Remus would talk about the old times, but it just wasn't the same. Seeing that the Marauders were still alive in Harry had made the memories so much more present, more realistic. Whenever they tried to create that atmosphere afterwards all of it seemed far away and misty. Like it had happened to someone else, as if it weren't their memories. It wasn't enough to keep Remus distracted from his thoughts about Tonks. He did his best to avoid her, but it was getting harder to keep himself from starring at her during meetings. Those were the only times he saw her without risking to have to talk to her. Snape's comments became sharper as soon as Tonks left the room, Molly's smile more knowing. Even the two of them seemed to respect her feelings, whereas they didn't seem to care about what they were doing to Remus' ones. He was not the only one to act distant, but they had seen Tonks breaking and they wouldn't risk to hurt her further. Snape would say that it would be an unnecessary loss of force, weakening their position against Voldemort. The man was really good at hiding his few human emotions behind sentences that sounded cold-hearted and calculating.

It was nearing summer when Molly asked Remus for a special 'mission'. Tonks wasn't able to show up at Grimmauld Place for more than a week because of her shifts at the ministry and Molly was worried that she could eat too little. So she bid Remus to bring her some of her best pasta salad. He tried to talk himself out, but Molly insisted on making it his task. She pointed out that no one else could do so, for she was still busy cleaning headquarters, Sirius couldn't leave and all the others were on order missions or at work. What left Remus as a courier. Sighing, he accepted that he would have to do it anyway and made his way out of the front door. Molly had given him Tonks' address. He didn't know the exact place so he would have to apparate a few streets further, hoping that the pasta salad wouldn't mind the London heat. Then he remembered that he was a wizard and didn't have to rely on refrigerators. He cast a quick spell on the salad and continued searching Tonks' house.

It took him a while to make it out for he wouldn't have thought she lived in a house like that. It was a really tall building, surely at least counting ten floors. There was not a hint of paint, everything was coloured in a washed-out grey. The house door stood open so he decided to try his luck, looking for her flat without ringing now. He finally found out in the ninth floor, quite out of breath from the many stairs. If he had known which floor to go he could have used the elevator, but he didn't and so he had to use his feet. At least he would be able to spare them this march when he left. Nervous, he ringed the doorbell and waited for Tonks to come out. After a while there were steps to be heard, although they didn't sound much like her. For example because there was no tripping. When the door opened he didn't see the beautiful pink-haired Auror but a tall man with bare upper body and disheveled black hair. Remus had to admit that he looked really good. Seemed like he was replaced worthy.

"Can I help you?"

The man looked curiously at him. His smile was friendly and his dark eyes shone with it. If he wouldn't hate him so much for having his wonderful Nymphadora, he would probably like him.

"Molly asked me to bring some pasta salad for Tonks."

He forced a smile onto his face and handed him the dish.

"Nymphie, your dear Molly saved you from starvation! What is your name?"

"Remus Lupin."

"Pleased to meet you, Remus. I'm Giovanni Riviera. May I ask you to come in? You look like you've searched through all the floors until you found us here."

The grin on his face was honest and Remus decided that he would just dislike him because hating him was quite difficult.

Tonks' apartment looked just like he had imagined it. Things were thrown together in messy heaps, all walls painted in bright colours. It looked anything but uncomfortable, though. Giovanni pointed to one of the couches which could still be used for sitting.

"Just sit down there. I think there's nothing on it that would attack you, but keep your wand at the ready, just in case. You never know what might occur when you're in Nymphie's flat. She almost never tidies it up. And if she does, all of us have to suffer it. Last time we had a great cleaning action I was bitten by a rat that hid behind her wardrobe. I'll go and see if she and Robert are still alive."

Either there had been a great cleaning action in the last few weeks or they had known each other for longer. Or maybe he just wasn't her new boyfriend. He mentioned a Robert. Was that the man at Tonks' side? Before he had enough time to figure it out, the three of them entered the room. Tonks and the man who had to be Robert were covered in dust and fluffs.

"They look terrifying, what? This flat is such a mess. I don't know how you can possibly live here, Nymphie! Don't you want to move in with us?"

"I don't want to disturb your privacy and actually, I like my flat like it is."

"Dust is new fashion, Gio. I thought _you _should have noticed, Mr. Designer."

Remus was still trying to get what Tonks meant with 'their privacy' when Giovanni walked over to Robert, wiped some of the dirt off his face and kissed him soundly.

"I don't have to go with every fashion. And I definitely hate dust and by the way all other sorts of dirt. As you well know. And if you don't see a shower as soon as we come home you can sleep on the couch tonight."

They grinned at each other before they continued their kissing. Tonks decently looked the other way but couldn't suppress a joyful smile. She seemed to be happy for Giovanni and Robert and Remus was relieved that she didn't look his way so she wouldn't see his shocked expression. Not that he had something against gays – in fact now he was able to really like Giovanni and this Robert – but he had been prepared to find Tonks' new boyfriend, not her gay best friends cleaning up her flat. He just had had time to regain his composure when Robert broke the kiss.

"Sorry, I have been rude. My name is Robert Faste. I'm healer at St. Mungos so Giovanni thought it best for me to be around Nymphadora when they face the mess that's her flat. But really, I don't think he just brought me here to have an eye on her accidents, he's terribly afraid of rats."

Remus couldn't suppress a grin. He definitely liked these two. Slowly he stopped doubting her sense for personalities. At least with Robert and Giovanni she had proved to be able to choose good friends.

"Remus Lupin. Rats are actually not my friends, either."

He thought of Peter and shivered involuntarily.

"And Nymphadora, you have been even ruder than I. After all you're the inhabitant of this apartment so you should at least greet your guests."

Robert had turned to Tonks and she blushed deeply at his words.

"Sorry. Hi, Remus. Thanks for bringing the pasta salad. If you want you can stay a little but if you don't, well, it's not really..."

"Clean?", guessed Robert.

"Homely?", suggested Giovanni.

"I wanted to say neither of it, you prats. For the last time, you're really bad at reading thoughts. And finishing sentences, by the way."

She rolled her yes and the three of them burst out in laughter. Remus felt himself giggle, too. It had been a long time since he had felt so comfortable, even with all that mess around him. After all those weeks of cold rejection he could allow himself one afternoon with her and her friends. They just cleaned up her apartment, nothing special. It wasn't like he was about to give in or anything. Just because the relief because she wasn't having a boyfriend – he didn't know for sure, but he felt he was right – dazed his mind a bit didn't mean that he would do something foolish.

"I'd like to stay here. Do you mind if I assist you with your dust problem?"

I took them all day to turn the flat into something inhabitable. Remus didn't know how she could have lived in here in the state it had been, but he wasn't about to question her. After all it was her life and she had to endure the mess and the dust. All throughout their work they had been chatting along. Giovanni always had something funny to say, Robert countered with witty remarks and Remus wasn't at a lack of words either. He had expected all of that, but what he hadn't expected was Tonks' behaviour. She was totally different from the young woman he knew from the order. She didn't try to behave serious, her comments were sometimes sharp, sometimes jokey and an intelligence he was ashamed to admit he hadn't attributed to her shone through all of them. He asked himself why she wasn't that way when she was in headquarters. Not just because of him, she had been different from the beginning. Maybe she was matching her surroundings. With the kids she was a kid herself, with Mad-Eye and Kingsley she was the professional Auror, with the order a serious fighter and with her friends she was an intellectual joker. He had to admit that he badly wanted to know what she would be like when she would be with him. Her facets fascinated him and he knew only a few of them. What was she like around her parents, grand-parents, other friends? Remus wanted to know all of it, but at the same time he knew that it was impossible. There was just no way he could be with Tonks like that. Maybe he could still try to be her friend, but that wouldn't make him see all the sides of her he wanted to see. Deep down he knew that being friends would torture them both, but he just couldn't force himself to stay as cold as he had been the last weeks. Tonks had captivated him once more and his resistance was about to crush.

Apart from her changed behaviour there were several other things he noticed about her while he tried to win the fight against the dust. The books in her shelf. Jane Austen, Shakespeare, Voltaire and Kant next to Charles Dickens, Oscar Wilde and Goethe. Beneath them all sorts of novels, from romance (Nora Roberts and Nicolas Sparks, moreover Cecilia Ahern) to thriller (Simon Becket, Mary Higgins Clark, Stephen King). It seemed as if those books mirrored the many facets of their owner's personality. Remus laughed about his own thoughts, but he bewared to doubt the depth of her character. Not after the opposites he had found in it. Next to her collection of The Weird Sisters fan articles were CDs of Muggle artists, from a certain Katy Perry to Pink to Christina Aguilera and Marina & The Diamonds. Her sneakoscope lay between the TV and her laptop, _The_ _Daily Prophet _and _The Times _on the table in the living room. Nymphadora Tonks seemed to unify the wizarding and the Muggle world in her tiny living space, something she must have inherited from her father. Well, except for the books, but there simply wasn't a single good author being able to do magic. But now and then an old school book was to be found.

At the end of the day they were all tired and Tonks made a quick trip to the next supermarket to buy ice cream. Contently they sat together, watching the sunset through the window in her living room. Giovanni and Robert excused themselves and went home for they had to stay up early the next morning. Remus felt he had to go, too, but he just couldn't bring himself to do so. He felt perfectly fine on Tonks' couch, talking to her in a perfectly normal tone and enjoying his perfectly chocolaty ice cream. As one may notice, the moment seemed perfect and he didn't want to destroy it. But then Tonks broke the fake peacefulness.

"What made you stay?"

"Well, Giovanni and Robert seemed nice company and your flat really needed to be cleaned..."

"You didn't have to help me with that. You ignored me for months and now you're just stopping by to clean my flat? I know that Molly forced you to come here, but she can't have forced you to stay, right?"

"No, of course she didn't. I don't know... Maybe I thought we could still be friends?"

It ended as a question. He hadn't intended to say that, but she had asked him and he felt he owed her the truth.

"Oh, Remus. How would that work? I don't know for sure what you're feeling, but imagining how I shall be with you in that way... I can't, Remus. I still love you, nothing has changed that. Nothing ever will. And friendship just isn't enough. It's nothing but torture for me. I'd really like you as a friend, but there's just so much more to it, at least from my side..."

His heart started to ache. He wanted so badly to jump up and take her in his arms, telling her that he loved her and really didn't want to be just friends... But he couldn't.

"I'm sorry, Tonks."

He slowly rose from the couch, making his way to the door. All the way back to Grimmauld Place, in the elevator, on the street, he shivered madly at the thought that he had just denied what he wanted the most. Whilst he was following his way back home, Tonks sank down in her pillows and started crying. Maybe she had just destroyed her only chance. But when he had asked her... It had been the truth. She couldn't bear to act like there was nothing. She loved him way too much and she probably just scared him off. But she couldn't care for that. The truth had to be worth it.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

**Dead**

Their last conversation hunted his dreams every single night. He grew to analysing her every word and sentence, her gestures, everything. All that she had said and meant. His heart would race all night at the thought that it would have been so very easy to get what he wanted this particular evening. That it would have been unbelievably easy that night in the library. Or the million times he could have kissed her before. Or after that kiss on Christmas. Whenever he thought about the occasions he had missed or decidedly turned her down, he felt a strong urge to hit his head against the wall. Why couldn't he just give it a try? They would both get what they want and it would probably be all over in a few weeks. Tonks would stop trying and he would stop longing for her. Those were his thoughts and he hoped dearly that they could come true. But deep down he knew that he would break if she really turned away. It would be far worse than just denying her and watching her giving in. He would be assured – as if there was any need to assure **that –** that the werewolf-problem actually **was** important, no matter what she had said beforehand. Remus didn't want it to end this way. He wanted to remember Tonks as she had been when he had met her: laughing at him and treating him like any other person. Like any other friend. He didn't want to have to imagine how she would turn away from him in disgust as soon as she would find out what living with a werewolf really was like. There was no hope for them. If there had been any, he had destroyed it.

Tonks stopped counting the times she cried herself to sleep. Did she destroy everything? If she had just accepted his offer, if she had just agreed to be friends with him, she would at least have had the chance to see him. To talk to him. Now she only saw him in meetings or when he fled a room she was just entering. It hurt so much to be denied like that. Tonks had always thought of herself as a strong individual, not dependent on some random man. But Remus was not random, he was anything but. He was intelligent, kind, handsome, strong... So many things he didn't seem to notice himself. Somebody should tell him about those things. Oh how badly did she want to wake up next to him every single morning to do so! But there was nothing she could do about it except for running to Giovanni and Robert every second day and sending tear-stained letters to Charlie now and then. Her parents noticed that there was something wrong with her, but she couldn't bring herself to tell her mother. She hadn't been able to tell her that her best friend was gay, how should she tell her that she fell in love with a werewolf who rejected her for her own good? Andromeda would probably say that he was doing the right thing and that was exactly what she didn't want to hear. Moreover she presumably expected her and Giovanni to show up one day announcing their engagement. Ted was more tolerant, he had noticed what she didn't want to tell. But she feared that even her father wouldn't be tolerant enough to help her with her feelings for Remus. He would try to console her, but he would say exactly the wrong thing. She didn't want to lose the thrill the mere sight of him caused. She didn't want to lose the electricity that ran up and down her whole body whenever he touched her, even accidentally. Her love for him had turned her numb because of his rejection, but the few times she was with him despite his desperate tries to avoid her she felt more alive than she had thought possible. Even the adrenaline she felt pulsing through her veins on especially dangerous missions was no comparison to what his sheer presence did to her. She could sit and do nothing but thinking of him, his slightly hoarse voice, his scarred features, his gentle manners. Those beautiful eyes of his. Some months ago it would have been impossible for her to sit down without actually doing anything for more than one or two minutes. She had fallen so deep and still her fall didn't end. There was more to it, something was amiss. Something that would stop her fall but deepen her feelings less abruptly, less destructive. Tonks couldn't imagine what it was, but she should experience it soon enough.

It started out as a completely normal day in Grimmauld Place. Molly cleaned one of the rooms upstairs, Tonks worked on her reports in her own room and Remus and Sirius sat in the kitchen playing cards. The routine was just broken by several calls for Molly's delicious food, otherwise it was the most peaceful day they could wish for in the middle of an unofficial war. Until Severus Snape rushed into the kitchen and destroyed their illusions.

"Potter... The ministry... Department of Mysteries... The Dark Lord..."

They didn't understand all of what he had wanted to say, but it was enough to alarm them. Tonks came rushing down the stairs as she heard the nervous screams that caused Mrs. Black to join the noise. Snape started to explain that Harry fell into one of Voldemort's traps, thinking Sirius was tortured in the Department of Mysteries. All that would await him there was a couple of Death Eaters trying to get the prophecy they had been protecting. Tonks ran to the door the minute he had finished his report, wand at the ready. Sirius made to follow her, but as Snape rushed upstairs to inform Molly, who should spread the news, Remus held him back.

"No, Sirius. You can't go with us."

"Remus, it's about Harry! We don't know what they will do to him! I can't stay here!"

"But we're going to break into the ministry, Sirius! It wouldn't be helpful to have you with us!"

"As you said, we're going to break in. It's not important if I'm with you or not, it's illegal, whatever way you see it. So stop discussing with me, we need to safe Harry! I'm not going to stay behind when he needs me, no matter what you say!"

"Sirius, even if we get Harry out of there, what if the ministry workers come in afterwards? They wouldn't miss a battle in the most surveyed department, we won't be able to get out in time. Do you want to spend another few years in Azkaban?"

Sirius went pale and Remus felt his conscience kick in, but he was just trying to protect his friend.

"That's not important. As long as I'm able to rescue Harry, they can do to me whatever they want. I will think about it when we're done."

He offered his friend a weak smirk and followed Tonks. Snape came rushing down again and together they set after them. Remus prayed that Sirius' careless mentality wouldn't cause any damage.

It was all one rush. In front of the ministry they walked into Kingsley and Mad-Eye, but they didn't even stop to greet them. All that was important was to safe Harry and his young friends, even if it was possible that for some of them, this would be their dying day.

The whole building seemed to be deserted, no good sign at all. They crossed the atrium, jumping into the elevetors. Impatiently they waited until they were in the floor that was their destination. They ran without thinking, ending up in a room with millions of doors. There were crosses on a few of them and Remus thought he recognized Hermione's handwriting in them. Tonks, Kingsley and Mad-Eye were at the doors before he could react. He made a quick turn, noticing that Snape had left them somewhere on their way to the ministry. Presumably not to destroy his disguise. There was a clicking sound and out of the corner of his eye he saw the Aurors disappear behind it. Remus and Sirius followed. Then they first heard it: The sounds of battle. They spread out to get the children. Remus decided to follow Sirius to where the noise was the loudest. When they entered the room, the first thing that came to eye was a great veil in the middle of the room. Then he saw the children, most of them injured, in battle with a Death Eater or already on the floor, threatened by a wand. Harry held something in his hand, although he couldn't tell what for he was too far away. Remus guessed that it had to be the prophecy, the way Malfoy tried to get it from him. The others entered the room and hell broke loose. Curses crossed the room in all directions, screams everywhere. He ran to help Harry and Neville, got involved in a battle. He heard Bellatrix's triumphant laughter. Saw Tonks falling down those stairs, her body limp. And then there was another triumphant laughter. One he knew all too well. He tried to get it, to prevent it from happening. But before he knew what happened, Sirius fell. Hit by Bellatrix's spell, right through the veil. He saw his own feelings reflected on Harry's face. The boy would try to do something foolish. All Remus could do was stopping him. He did his best to hold him back, feeling Dumbledore's presence in his back. He held on to the boy, fighting the numbness that started to creep through his body. Sirius was gone. The last of his friends that had still been worth to be called so. Tonks was severely injured, maybe dead, too. Harry's screams of desperation made him guess that he was as much on the edge as he was himself. He had always thought Dumbledore's appearance would make everything better. But for the first time it didn't help. It didn't lessen the cold inside of him. They hadn't lost this battle, but they had lost much more. Harry still fought against his grip and Remus suddenly had no strength left to hold him back. His arms fell to his sides and his eyes wandered to Mad-Eye who had crawled over to Tonks to check on her. Remus heard screams, whimpers, muttered curses, but he didn't notice any of it. He was dead inside.

The first rays of sunlight touched her skin. Her eyes fluttered open and the familiar smell and the dazzling white of the room told her that she was in St. Mungos. She remembered how they had run to help Harry. How they had entered the room with the veil. Bellatrix' insane laughter, her sneaky way of duelling. The curse that had hit her square in the chest. She didn't even know what it had been, but considering that she was feeling really bad without even moving made her guess that it hadn't been harmless. She turned her head to see if there was someone who could tell her how long she had been here and what had happened after she had been knocked out. Her parents sat next to her. At least they could tell her how long she had been in this bed.

"Oh, Dora! Thank Merlin, you're awake. I was so afraid that I lost you..."

Andromeda started crying in mid-sentence. She only called her Dora when it had been very, very bad. Nervous she looked to her father. There were tears in his eyes, too. That spell had to be a really mean one.

"How long...?"

Her voice surprised her, it was so hoarse she nearly didn't recognize it.

"Five days, Dora."

He grabbed her hand and squeezed it. It hurt like hell but she didn't want him to soften his grip. It was good to know that they were still there. Better than not knowing who had made it in the ministry.

"I think we should go now. We just wanted to wait until you wake up. We will be back this afternoon."

She smiled reassuringly at him. The circles beneath their eyes told her that her parents hadn't had much sleep since she was in here and it was time for them to get it. Now that they knew that she was alright.

As soon as their steps had faded in the corridor, the door was opened once more.

"Remus!"

Relief flooded through her. He wasn't dead. He had made it. Maybe he had changed his mind? This time he was at least in the hospital to visit her...

"Tonks, I'm sorry that I have to tell you this, but the others were either injured themselves or busy."

She knew that he was about to tell her who had died. She could see in his eyes that he hurt badly. And that he hadn't changed his mind at all. He was just here because nobody else had had the time to tell her of the deaths.

"It's Sirius. He is dead. Bellatrix hit him."


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

**Pleading**

Her vision became blurry once more. But this time not because of malnutrition or a lack of sleep. Tears made their way down her cheeks and she didn't know how to stop them. Tonks didn't want to cry, she'd had enough of it just a few months ago. But Sirius... The only member of her family besides her parents she had been proud of... she had even loved. Not including her father's side of the family. The only Black that hadn't tried to kill her off as soon as he got a glance on her. And he was gone. Just like that.

Her sobs became more violent and she couldn't breathe any more. She didn't want to. Why should she? Part of her family tried to kill her, her beloved cousin was dead, just a year after she got to know him and the man she loved didn't love her. Her head was spinning and every inch of her body protested in pain. Everything seemed to fade into black and then she was gone... To a place so full of peace, so lovely... She could hear voices she had missed for so long, she felt safe-

Reality caught up with her again. At least three healers stood at her side, bringing her back into a life she didn't want to live any longer. Tonks closed her eyes and tried to find back to that beautiful place, but it was gone. She consoled herself with the thought that she could go back any time. All she needed was a potion, or a knife...

Remus fell onto his bed in Grimmauld Place and tried to breathe. To at least calm his racing pulse. The place intensified his grief over Sirius. Now there he was, in the house that had been his prison from his first to his very last hour. It smelled horrible, it looked horrible... it **was** horrible. The most noble house of Black... The home of dark wizards that couldn't love their own son because he was different from them, because he saw reason where they couldn't. Now only home of a werewolf. Everybody else was gone, most of them thought the memories too painful. What an irony that Remus out of all of them had to stay there for he had no better option. He could move in with the Weasleys. Molly had offered it, but he felt that it would be inappropriate. They had so many children and so little money, they shouldn't have to fret about him. There was Tonks, too. He was sure that she wouldn't turn him down. It would be so much more than just moving in with friends or colleagues from the order. It was totally different from Molly's offer. With Tonks he would be happy. He could mourn Sirius, wake up to her beautiful face every single day. She could offer him so much consolation by just being in the same room with him...

The memory returned. Her expression when he had told her about Sirius. The way she nearly had choked on her own sobs. He had been frozen on the spot until she had become unconscious. Just then he had been able to hurry to her side. She had stopped breathing. The centre of his world had stopped breathing, just like that. His insides had went so cold and numb he had wanted to die just to stop that feeling. It was worse than seeing Sirius die. It was worse than knowing that he would never see Lily again, never joke with James or watch Harry grow up. He had desperately screamed for a healer. A whole team had come running and as soon as he had heard them muttering that she had started to breathe once more, he had left. Desperation clung to him wherever he went. There was nowhere else to go, so he ended up at Grimmauld Place.

He heard Kreacher passing his bedroom, but he didn't care for the old house-elf's insulting whispers. Remus still fought to chase away the numbness, the cold. Tonks had nearly died. Sirius was already dead. James. Lily. Peter had become a traitor. The children's blood on the floor in the Department of Mysteries. Harry's screams for his lost godfather. Arthur in his bed at St. Mungos after his encounter with Nagini. So many dead, so many hurt, both physically and emotionally. Just because of this one man. Just because of Lord Voldemort. Without Voldemort his friends would be alive. No one would have been hurt... There was even a possibility he could have met Tonks, seeing that she was his best friend's cousin, after all. But would he have known her good enough to fall for her like he had? Was his decision about peace or war? He didn't think so. Even if there were no Voldemort, there was still a Greyback and he would still be a werewolf. There was still no chance for them. Resigned, he closed his eyes and tried to get a little sleep. Dreaming led nowhere.

Finally, Tonks was allowed to left St. Mungos. She hadn't seen Remus since the day he had told her about Sirius' death. It was so very senseless... Now that he was dead, the ministry restored his reputation. Now that he could leave this horrible house, could do something like he had wanted to the whole last year... It was of no use to him. She was sure that the place he was in now was much better than this war-torn world, but she longed for his voice, his presence, nonetheless.

Her parents hadn't left her side the last two days she spent in the hospital. Her body was still aching, but it wasn't all too bad. She regretted her selfish thoughts when she learned about Sirius' death. Who was she to decide upon her death? That was fate's decision. She would try to be useful until it would be her turn to go. Pain was part of life and she couldn't possibly do that to her parents... or to Remus. He might didn't love her, but he did care, she knew it. Moreover she was still important for the order, for the fight against Voldemort. Suicide wasn't a solution. It was not her way. All her life she had been a brave warrior, now was no time to break down and end it like that. Although she had to admit that her life, even her character, had changed a lot during her time in the order. War had made her different. A few months ago she wouldn't even have considered suicide, now she had to use logical arguments to stop her mind from searching possibilities. Of course there was Remus, too. But it wasn't just him. It was so much more. Life seemed so hopeless. You try and try and all that happens is that the people you love are killed left and right and when you think that it's over, the next dark wizard comes around and starts a new war. What were they fighting for? Did it matter if Voldemort destroyed the world today or if someone else would do it in a century? Did her job mean anything? She caught dark wizards, criminals, only to see them coming free again one day. And for every single one she caught, two or three others continued his work. But otherwise, if she wouldn't catch them, there would be five at a time instead of two. Tonks couldn't make the world a safe place, but she could help make it a **safer **place. If it was enough to rescue the childhoods of the next few generations, that would be worth it. After all, a loyal Hufflepuff stays a loyal Hufflepuff.

It was time to go to King's Cross. Part of the order would await Harry to show him that they would be there when he needed them – and to scare those stupid Muggles that tortured him whenever he had to spend his holidays with them. The boy had more than enough sorrows of his own, without his only family teasing him.

Tonks couldn't restrain her heart from beating so fast she feared it would burst any moment. Of course she was happy to see Harry and the others again. But it was more about the fact that she knew for sure that Remus would be there, too. Seeing him was better than nothing, even if he wouldn't talk to her or anything. She felt the familiar thrill rushing through her as soon as she thought of him and her hair stayed the well-known pink.

Everyone seemed to be happy to see her again after that incident with the stairs. She thanked Moody for getting her so fast into St. Mungos (Molly had told her about it one day when she came to visit her) and he hugged her so hard she feared her ribs just might break again. Blushing, he took a step back and Tonks tried her best not to laugh at him. He had meant well, but it was just too ridiculous to see his usually so serious, scarred face getting all red. The others followed his example and greeted her either with a hug or a kiss on the cheek. Only Remus stayed away from her as if she would infect him with some horrible disease if he dared to touch her. It hurt, but Tonks had to admit to herself that the last time he had seen her she had nearly suffocated, which seemed not all too impressive.

The children arrived and Tonks was relieved to see a smile on Remus' face. She knew he faked it for Harry's sake, but she loved it nonetheless. Teasing the Dursleys lifted her mood and she felt light-headed as she watched them walk away rather carefully. The way that great git looked behind him every few seconds to make sure they didn't follow him somewhere he was known made her shake with laughter. She felt the looks of others, caused by her hair colour and obvious joy, but she hardly noticed it. And why should she care? Right now, life was beautiful, as it should be. She wouldn't feel guilty for being happy just because some Muggles thought her way of showing it a little inappropriate.

When she calmed down, the others were all gone. They had left right after the Dursleys, before Tonks' little hysterics could have stopped them. Well, at least most of them. As she turned to leave herself, she nearly ran into Remus.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't see you there, I thought everyone was gone by now."

She blushed deeply and brushed a strand of hair out of her face to keep her hands busy. There were too many other things those hands would like to do, mostly connected with the person standing in front of her. But that probably would be **really** inappropriate. Especially in public.

"I was sort of prevented from it. Are you alright?"

He looked at her, his eyes that beautiful mixture of grey and blue she couldn't resist, worry showing in them.

"I think so. To be honest, I don't know. It's just that war and my own thoughts. They shouldn't be mixed up, it seems."

She tried to smile for him like he had for Harry, but she wasn't that strong.

"How do you cope with Sirius?"

Remus nearly choked in his name, pain evident in his features.

"Not so good. I'm still not able to really figure out that he has gone. It was such a short time... But I think I'm doing better than you. You were his best friend, after all."

"I lost him before. But it's hard, there you're right."

"Remus, if you need someone to talk to... I know what I said, but... I want you to know that I will be there. At any time."

He looked at her carefully.

"Tonks, I really appreciate your offer, but I don't think this could work. I know what you're feeling and I don't want to use you. Besides, there won't be much occasion for us to meet anyway."

"What do you mean?"

"Dumbledore offered me a new mission. I'll live with the ferals to spy on Greyback's plans."

Tonks felt the blood leave her face. Her head was spinning once more, there was a whistling sound in her ears. Dumbledore wouldn't do that to him! No! She had misunderstood him. That couldn't be.

"No. He can't. You can't. Remus, no!"

Her voice was merely above a whisper, but he heard her.

"Someone has to go, Tonks. I can't sit around here waiting for another child to be bitten by him."

"You can't do anything about it! As a spy, your first priority is to keep your disguise! You would have to watch him doing it! That can't be what you want, Remus. That's suicide."

"Tonks, please, don't do this, you're not making it any better for any of us -"

"But you are, heh? That's the most stupid thing I ever heard. It won't help anyone. Do you really think that you can get them on our side? With their minds manipulated by Greyback? All you're doing is risking your life for nothing. When they find out, they will rip you in pieces."

"It will help! I can't do anything myself, that's right. But I can inform Dumbledore and he can do something. My life doesn't matter when it's getting to those of several innocent children. And I would prefer it if you wouldn't scream that much, everyone can hear us."

"I couldn't care less if anyone hears that. Of course your life matters. For example to me. Or to the other members of the order. To Harry. What do you think you're going to do? Safe the world or something? How many werewolfes live out there, hmm? Do you think he can place one of us in front of every door in whole bloody Britain? What if they strike on several different places at once? What do you think could we do about it? There are protective spells, by Merlin, in times such as these parents should be able to take a little care themselves."

Remus' face hardened. Tonks swallowed. She hadn't meant to insult his parents.

"Nymphadore, in case you didn't notice, this is my duty. I'm the only one who can do it and I will do it. Your arguments are nothing but excuses to keep me from going, they don't lessen the importance of this task. If you would excuse me, I need to go and prepare everything."

He radiated a cold that made her shiver. Tears covered her face once more, but she didn't care.

"I love you, Remus. Please, don't leave like that. Don't leave at all. I can't bear to imagine you between those... monsters."

"But that's exactly what I am, Tonks. A monster. There's no difference between them and me, we're the same kind. Your pleading won't change anything."

"You're not the same! Merlin, Remus, you're a werewolf, not a monster. That's a difference. They are monsters because they enjoy all the killing and torturing, not because they have been bitten. Voldemort is a monster as well. The Death Eaters. Not you. Please, I love you."

She had never begged someone like that. Shame flooded through her, but she knew she would crawl on all fours to his feet if it would make him stay.

"No, Tonks. It's time you face it. I'm too old for you. Too poor. Too dangerous, especially right now. I can't be with you. There's no need to wait for me or anything. Move on and find yourself someone who deserves you."

"Those are excuses, not arguments. You're not too old, you're just perfect. Money doesn't interest me, I earn more than enough to make a living, even for two, if necessary. And dangerous isn't exactly convincing, seeing that we're in the middle of a war and I'm a front line soldier. I have every reason to wait for you, you're more than worthy of it."

"I'm not, Tonks. You don't deserve coming home to have to care for me after a full moon or to be afraid all night because it would be quite possible that I kill you in my wolf form. You would be shunned by society, I would make you an outcast."

"Of course you are! I willingly take the risk and I don't care for the opinion of a society that's too scared of the Big Dark Lord to fight for their children's future! For their own future! If you are with me, I'm glad to be an outcast. Remus, you don't even know how good a person you are! You're all clever, handsome, generous, kind, strong, courageous... I don't know where to continue. You're so much, Remus, you just can't see it. Please, give us a chance."

She could see the walls around his heart crumble, but when she thought she had won this time, he turned away from her without even saying goodbye and left the station as fast as possible, not turning once.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

**The Rose**

Furious, Remus threw his things in the little suitcase he would take with him. Of course he would have to shrink it so the others wouldn't notice, but there were some things he couldn't go without. First of all he would need parchment to contact Dumbledore, as well as ink and a quill. He couldn't risk leaving the colony without even knowing if the headmaster would be there. Dumbledore told him at the private meeting on which they considered his new mission that he would be leaving school now and then during the year. Writing equipment was hard to get in the underground, seeing that most of the werewolves couldn't write and became suspicious as soon as someone was indeed able to do so. Moreover he would need some normal clothing. He couldn't show in public in the clothes he would wear in the colony. Those would be torn within a month. Remus quickly got through everything he had packed already, ensuring that he hadn't forgotten anything important. Noticing that he was ready to leave any moment, he fell back onto his bed in Grimmauld Place and let his fury take the better of him.

Why did she have to tell him all those things? Why did she have to beg him? He didn't want to leave, didn't want to live with those he had been avoiding most of his life. And now the memories of Tonks pleading with him hunted his mind. It had hurt so badly. He never wanted to see her like this again. All he had wanted to do was taking her in his arms and telling her that he wouldn't go, that everything would turn out fine. But reality was different. Someone had to stop Greyback and it was no heroic action or anything. Tonks had been right, in its essence it would be a sort of suicide. Most probably there wouldn't be a return for him. And even if he didn't need to go, he couldn't be with her. She deserved more than him. More than an old werewolf with a broken life who wouldn't get any better. He had lost too much to become completely whole again. But through all his reason, his logical arguments, she had begged so hard, had cried for him not to leave her, to give her a chance. It would have been so easy to at least spend this one night with her before he would head into his own death. But it wouldn't be fair on her. He would use her to feel better just to break her again because there was no way he could stay here doing nothing. And Remus wasn't so sure he would have the strength to leave her after he would know how it felt to be in her arms, to fall asleep next to her and wake up at her side. She had planted all those ideas in his head and it was hard to fight them. To resist the urge to run to her flat and make love to her and never leave her again, forgetting about the war and the problems of his best friend's son and the whole wizarding world. He closed his eyes in an attempt to fight that strange urge, but it became even worse. Behind his eyelids he saw images of him holding her, removing her colourful t-shirt, kissing and touching every inch of her while whispering her name against her skin, getting the most adorable moans in response... He quickly opened his eyes again and tried to calm his erratic breathing. His blood went to places it surely shouldn't be in right now and he couldn't afford a non-functional mind when he was about to meet the ferals. Beforehand, those kind of dreams just hunted his sleep, not his waking hours. But Tonks words had made them more realistic and the thought that it was very likely that he would never see her again made him long for it even more. Determined, he grabbed his suitcase, shrank it and nearly ran down the stairs of Grimmauld Place. He wanted to leave the gloomy prison of his dead friend behind, the memories of the most beautiful kiss he ever received and the most wonderful woman who had shared it with him. Too bad he couldn't create a mental connection between this place and Tonks' pleading at the station, or he just would have had to banish all memories linked with the former headquarters. Remus tried to ignore the troll leg umbrella stand, fully aware that it held the most precious memories of her endearing clumsiness. He crossed the corridor and finally closed the door behind him. Careful to stay on top of the stairs and within the reach of the protective spells, he took a deep breath and prepared himself to apparate into his worst nightmare to make it his life.

Tonks lay on her bed. Like she had did the whole last week. She had told the ministry that she would need an additional week to recover from her injuries. They had assumed she meant the ones from Bellatrix's curse. She had wanted them to think so. But in fact, she tried to cure the wounds that Remus had caused with his cold words. She just moved for the most necessary things, not involving eat, sleep or more than the tiniest amount of water. She just lay there and tried to get his words into her head. He didn't love her. He didn't want her. He hadn't said any of it, but she knew it for sure. He couldn't have left her like this if he felt anything for her. Her mind revolved around everything that had to do with a certain Remus Lupin. His wonderful, kind reaction when she fell over that stupid umbrella stand the day she entered the order. The way he had blushed when she caught him staring at her during meetings. The countless occasions they had nearly kissed. That night in the library when she had appeared in her natural shape and tried to confess her love. Christmas. That most wonderful kiss. Sirius. The only one she could have talked to about Remus, her cousin, and he was dead. Killed because she was a terrible Auror. Indeed such a terrible person that Remus couldn't bring himself to love her. She thought he did after that kiss, after those stares. But obviously she had been wrong, kidding herself to believe that he returned her love.

There were knocks on her door, every now and then. She could hear owls knocking on the window, begging for entrance. She ignored it. One time she even heard someone sticking his head in her fireplace, but she ignored the calls as well. All curtains were shut, she didn't want to see anything from the world around her. For her, it had stopped existing the minute he left for his death. Presumably he was even happy to be with the ferals, just to escape her stupid pleading. She felt horrible and unworthy and she didn't know what to do now. She needed to talk to someone who knew Remus, so there was no way she could run to Giovanni. Of course he would try to help her, he was her best friend, after all. A very sensible best friend. But he wouldn't understand it fully, he didn't know the man she loved so much. She knew he was happy with Robert, but would it be enough to see how wonderful a person can seem to one, no matter what that person actually did? Giovanni would hate Remus for hurting Tonks, nothing she would tell him could change that. Her parents' tolerance would be wasted the moment she mentioned that he was a werewolf and thirteen years older. And poor. And out of work. She needed someone who would understand her and him alike. Because Tonks was able to see his point. It was not that she didn't comprehend his reasons or couldn't imagine what he was talking about. She would be hesitant as well if she thought she would threaten his life by being with him. She wouldn't want him to see her suffer every month. The problem was that he didn't see her point. That none of it mattered. That she would gladly risk her life and worry every full moon just to see him smile the rest of the time. She didn't need someone telling her that she was wasting her love on someone like him or that she should move on. That wasn't what she wanted to hear. But there was simply no one she could think of that could give her what she needed. Except for Remus, who seemed to be out of question at this point. Surely he was already at the colony. So Tonks kept staring at the wall, her head spinning with memories of days when she thought everything would turn out fine for them. Her crying just stopped when she was finally falling asleep for some hours out of sheer exhaustion. The week had nearly passed and Tonks had no idea how she should be able to go to work. Another week of holiday was impossible, her injuries couldn't be used as an excuse any more.

Sunday arrived and Tonks still lay on her bed, not knowing how to face the next day, the ministry, the colleagues, her life, to be honest. It was around midday when there was another knock on the door.

"Tonks, it's me, Molly! I thought you could need something to eat. I haven't seen you since we met Harry, so I thought I'd check on you. Would you like to come over for dinner?"

And that was when it hit her. Of course! Why hadn't she thought of it earlier? Molly! Molly knew Remus and Molly knew her. She knew about her feelings. She was attentive and tolerant, just the person she needed. She thanked Merlin for giving her this necessary hint, then she slowly went to open the door. Her legs nearly gave in whenever she took a step forward, days of lieing around had weakened them. In addition to a total lack of food and an insufficient amount of sleep and water. She had to gather her strength to open the door.

"Oh Merlin! Tonks, what happened to you?"

Molly couldn't believe her eyes. That wasn't the girl she knew in Grimmauld Place. The cheerful young woman with the shocking pink hair, the rebellious clothing and the great sense of humour. That wasn't even the war-torn, depressive young woman with a lack of sleep. She obviously hadn't cared for herself at all in the week since their last encounter. Her hair was brown and limp and unwashed. Her clothes as well. She smelled like she hadn't seen a shower in all this time. There were frightening black circles beneath her eyes. She was pale as a ghost, her eyes dead. Her clothes were too big for her skinny frame. Molly could count her ribs through the t-shirt. Moreover, she had obviously shed a lot of tears, their traces still on her cheeks and her eyes red and puffy.

"Poor little child. Come with me, we will get you alright again."

First of all, she stuffed Tonks into the bathtub while preparing a meal. Every few minutes she checked on her to make sure she didn't drown herself or anything. After that bath she made her sit at the table, eating at least half of the meal and drinking a litre of water. Then she cleaned up her flat, especially the very worn-looking bed. Tonks hadn't said a word in all this time. Finally, Molly pulled her next to her onto the couch.

"So. Now tell me. What happened? Was it Sirius' death?"

"No. Well, at least not all of it."

Her voice sounded so husky they both were startled at its sound.

"What is it?"

"It's Remus, Molly. He.. Dumbledore set him on a mission. He has to live with the ferals. He told me at King's Cross. I... I literally begged him to stay, I told him how much I loved him and tried to talk some sense into him, but he wouldn't listen. He was so very cold, Molly. I'm afraid he won't come back. And even if he comes back, he doesn't love me. And I thought Sirius was the only one I could talk to, until you just knocked. Thank you. I don't know how I would have faced work tomorrow without you. I still don't know."

"Oh dear. Of course you can talk to me. I'm sure he does love you, Tonks. I saw him looking at you all this time."

"I thought so, too, but..."

"What did he say? Did he tell you that he doesn't love you?"

"No, he didn't say anything like that. But he said that I shouldn't wait for him, that I waste my love on him. He is convinced that he's a monster and that I deserve someone else, someone healthy and my age. But I don't want anyone else, Molly. How can he be a monster when I feel so very safe and at home with him?"

The tears started again and Molly took Tonks in her arms, tracing calming patterns on her back and whispering soothing words.

"Oh love. It will be alright. Shush, it will be alright. We all know that he is not a monster. He will see sense, Tonks, just keep holding on. You deserve each other. You are meant to be. I can see that."

"How can you be so sure, Molly? I'm not sure myself. I love him, but... But how can it be true love when it does nothing but hurt? I can see he isn't comfortable with this, either."

Violent sobs shook her body at the thought.

"Shush, Tonks. Don't think like that. You know, love is like a rose. Not because it dies. We all die. But because there are two sides to it. A rose might be the most beautiful and noble flower, a symbol of love. But it has thorns as well. It's most probable that you hurt yourself when you first try to pick it. But as soon as you have it safe in a vase, it brings the most beautiful smell and sight with it. It will bring you a lot of joy. You might hurt yourself again when you try to take it out every now and then. But that's just the price for all this joy and beauty it gives you. If you are afraid to cut yourself with the thorns, you won't be able to enjoy the positive sides. Then you will have to watch them from the distance instead of having one to yourself."

Tonks smiled at the metaphor. But Molly was right nonetheless. It sounded very much like something her mother had said to her as well. Surely she hadn't meant her daughter to throw herself at someone like Remus, but that didn't matter. The lesson was the same. Love was about taking a risk and getting hurt as well as about being all happy and content and safe. She could choose. Between keeping that wonderful thrill she felt around him, that safety and the knowledge that she was at home wherever he was and an ordinary life with a normal love that didn't excite her, but without risks as well. If she moved on to someone she didn't love that much, she wouldn't be hurt like now. No matter what that man would do. But Tonks never had been ordinary and so it was quite obvious what she would choose.

"Thanks, Molly. I think I prefer taking the thorns and maybe gaining the rose over picking daisies. I hate daisies, although they have no thorns. Can it be a pink rose?"

Molly chuckled at this.

"Of course. Just know that it will be hard. Very hard. But when you need someone, I promise I'll be there for you. Just come over whenever you feel like it."

"Thank you. But you shouldn't worry about me, you have such a big family in this war, there's no need to fret about me."

"Tonks, you sound just like Remus. Really, I guess you would make a great pair. Of course I care about you, if you want me to or not. So stop this nonsense."

"I have my parents of my own, you know. You don't need to worry that much."

"And why didn't you got to your parents, then?"

Molly raised an eyebrow at her.

"Well, they don't know Remus and... Okay, I admit it, they would hate him the minute I say he's a werewolf and poor and out of work and thirteen years older. Well, Mum would probably hate him and Dad just dislike him. They're not that tolerant and I didn't want someone to tell me that I should move on. I wanted someone to tell me that it is worth all the pain for I can't decide to let go. Those few moments when he's not refusing or avoiding me are too perfect to give in. **He** is too perfect to give up on him. He deserves being happy and I want to be the one that makes him so, and nobody else."

She grinned guiltily up at Molly. She just grinned back.

"That's normal, Tonks. You feel he's yours. Of course you shouldn't think of someone else as your property or anything... But I can't help but feel the same about Arthur. He is the other half of my soul and I think I should have a saying in what's happening with half of my soul."

They laughed together and Tonks felt as whole as she hadn't felt in months, not including her few moments with Remus. It wasn't perfect, but for now she had made her decision and that knowledge made her light-headed. But not light-headed enough to attend to a dinner at the Burrow. She still looked horrible. She would have to brew a beautification potion for tomorrow.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

**Worries**

Living with the ferals was as horrible as Remus had thought it would be. They enjoyed turning into monsters and regretted that they only got to it once a month. They got excited over planning how to infect a little child. They listened with all their heart to Greyback preaching of hatred and murder. Remus felt disgusted by them. Whenever he had to talk to them, to directly look into their cold, lifeless eyes, he felt sick to the very core. He would isolate himself for a few hours, remembering the old days when he had been a careless boy attending Hogwarts, the days he had been happy in Grimmauld Place with his friends from the order around him, with Sirius and Tonks. When it got too much, he focused on her face, on her voice saying that she loved him. That she cared for him. There was love and friendship out there somewhere, far away from that terrible place he was in. It wasn't exactly a miracle they wanted revenge for a life like this. It felt so alone, so filled up with bad emotion. When there was laughter, it was bitter and cold and hard. It was not the tinkling sound of Tonks' beautiful voice when she was happy. It was a werewolf spitting bitter irony in the face of fate, proving by his mere existence that life was a bad joke, a really mean bad joke.

In one way, it was easier than the life Remus had led. They were far from everyone. Nobody threw them out of certain places because of what they were, nobody insulted them. There was no one to do so. They didn't have to show up in public again and again, only to be hated and shunned every single time. They didn't try just to see that it results in absolutely nothing at all.

On the other hand, although they didn't have to put up with the insults every day, they still remembered what it was like, how it felt like to be hated the moment you say what you are. The only people they got to see where as bitter as they, rejected men and women living in a pack. Every one knew the hurt and they wanted revenge. They didn't think about what Voldemort actually did. That he treated – or wanted to treat – Muggles and Muggleborns exactly as they were treated by wizarding society. That he hated werewolves as much as everyone else, maybe even more. They just went for the promise to be able to have their vengeance. To be as cruel as they have been. No one wanted to hear that none of this would last, that he would kill them like he would kill the order and the Muggleborns. That he would enslave them like the Muggles. They would be of use to him and then they would have to die. The werewolves refused to listen to Remus John Lupin, the suspicious man who knew how to read and how to write, who had been at Hogwarts and tried to live among those they hated more than anything else. Those that had rejected them, forced them to a life in the underground. How could they possibly listen to anything he had to say? He was one of them, he was telling lies to make them slaves of those that hated the werewolves...

Everyone in his right mind knew that it was just the other way round. That they would go down with Voldemort's rise, but could do nothing but rise with his fall. They didn't want to know. They wanted blood. The blood of wizards and witches, of their children. They wanted to hear them scream in terror, wanted to watch their family die a slow and painful death, fully knowing that they would be next. It was sickening. But although he hated their way of thinking, their way of life, he couldn't help but seeing his own bitter irony: Even those of his kind didn't accept him. He was an outcast for both sides. For humans because he had been bitten by Fenrir Greyback many years ago and had to turn into a monster once a month. For werewolves because he was still trying to be human, to keep his mind. Tonks and Dumbledore would say because he was good. Greyback would say because he was soft. And as horrible as the truth was, he couldn't deny that keeping up his manners and morals seemed a stupid and senseless thing to do whilst being with the pack. He was ashamed of himself, but he couldn't resist the feeling that his life up to then had been unnecessarily cruel. Why throwing yourself in all those insults and hatred and fear? Why not throwing it back at them? He knew he would never be able to do the latter, but why shouldn't he stay in the underground? Maybe Dumbledore would understand. He was of much more use down there. And who would miss him? There was no way he could be with Tonks, so she would have to get over it anyway. And the order... Well, it wouldn't be fair to hurt Molly and Arthur, they had always been that kind to him... But they had their own family and would easily keep up without him. It's not like they had seen much of him the last days he spent in 'freedom'. Which was admittedly none of their faults because Remus had refused every single one of their invitations.

Remus lay back and tried to get some sleep. It was hard with all the noise that was the colony and you always had to be careful. It was not unusual to kill someone while he was asleep. Not for the ferals. If someone had the better place to sleep, or the bloodier piece of meat or if they just didn't like you... It was not unlikely that Remus would end up being one of those corpses one day, but he didn't matter. Life in the colony had already messed with his principles, one of the last things he relied on. And his mission seemed a lost one because nobody was listening to him. At least they cared so little for him they didn't mind him hearing their conversations. No one even guessed that he was a spy, they just thought of him as someone who tried and obviously failed living in the wizarding society. He had heard enough to give a report to Dumbledore. He shouldn't be away for too long, but he always preferred to have some hours to himself, so they wouldn't be able to make out whether he was actually leaving the colony or just hiding away to get lost in his thoughts. Maybe there would be a meeting when he came back. Maybe he could attend to it. Maybe Tonks would be there. He could feel human again. Forget all the hatred and cold. At least for some hours, he would be between human beings, people that weren't bitter of a life full of rejection, people that actually cared for him and liked him despite their knowledge of what he was. The thought made him smile. It was a long-forgotten sensation. Being with people who like you. Who don't hate you or mistrust you. It would be a kind distraction after three months of loneliness and the coldest world one could imagine.

XxxxxxxxxX

Molly had been right. It was hard. Tonks got out of bed, swallowed her beautification potion (just one drop, she didn't want to look like a goddess, just not like a corpse), forced herself under the shower and ate something. Okay, mostly she drank coffee pretending she would be eating correctly. So she wouldn't feel like lying to Molly. At least, she forced down enough food to be able to work properly. Mad-Eye eyed her curiously every now and then (literally), but he didn't say anything. Tonks trusted Molly not to tell anyone, except for her husband. But surely not Mad-Eye. If he had known, he would have had a word with her long ago.

Her days were boring and all the same. She didn't memorize much of them. She ignored her parents' invitations as well as Molly's. Well, as long as someone else was invited. Just Molly and her was okay. Everything else was torture. It made her sick to have to act cheerful or even normal all the time and she linked the Burrow with consolation and safety. A place where she didn't need to hide herself or her emotions. Where someone actually understood how she felt. And made her a cup of tea.

But there was one day she remembered clearly. It was when Rufus Scrimgeour, the new Minister of Magic, entered her cubicle. He had been the Head of Aurors until now and he still thought it his duty to send them personally to their missions.

"Miss Tonks. You have done good work so far. The Ministry thinks it necessary to keep an eye on Hogwarts. To help protect the pupils. And not only Hogwarts. You are stationed in Hogsmeade, to reinforce this protection, along with Aurors Proudfoot, Savage and Dawlish. You will have a room in the Three Broomsticks, rent paid by the ministry. We expect you to begin your guard duty Monday, seven o'clock exactly. Proudfoot will take over your shift at twelve o'clock. Possible reports will be sent to you by owl. Have a nice week-end, Miss Tonks, you will be awaited on Monday."

With that, he left without giving her the chance to reply anything at all. So there was at least an excuse when she wouldn't follow her parents' invitations. Sighing, she left her cubicle and made her way back home. She packed the most necessary things. When she was done, she sat down on her bed and looked over the room. It felt very empty, robbed of everything that was somehow personal. She had always disliked the house. Her flat itself was okay for it was as colourful as she was. Or better, as she had been. Morphing was still impossible and she didn't want to colour it by usual magic means or even the Muggle way. The washed-out grey on the walls and the fact that she didn't know more than two of her neighbours matched better with the person she had been since Remus started rejecting her. But even though she still didn't like it. So whilst sitting there and thinking about her life and the emptiness of her apartment, an idea occurred to her. Why should she stay here at all? She wouldn't see this house for months and she hated it. Giving away some things of her past wasn't that difficult, seeing that Remus was the most important thing in her life. She wouldn't miss that flat. And she wouldn't have to live somewhere near him or Grimmauld Place. She could fulfill her mission and as soon as it was over, she would search for another home. The further away from London, the better. Maybe she could find something near Molly. Looking around, Tonks made her decision. She would move out. Once and for all.

There was just one problem to it: Where should she leave her things? She couldn't take everything with her when she moved into her room in the Three Broomsticks. She would have to find a place for her furniture etc. Who had enough room and who would do her that favour? Thinking hard, Tonks found that there was just one solution to her problem: Her parents. The house was big enough, there would be place for her furniture and her books in her old room. In the worst case, there was still the attic. She would have to face her parents for the first time since they had visited her in the hospital. The beautification potion would keep them from worrying too much, it covered her lack of sleep and the fact that she didn't eat as much as she probably should. But they would notice the brown hair. And they knew what it meant. That she was depressed. Maybe she could tell them that Sirius' death was still hunting her. In fact, it did, but not as much as she would have to pretend it did. Tonks wasn't sure if she could lie to her parents – she was an exceptionally poor liar, at that – but there was no way she could tell them the truth, either. Her mother would scream at her and her father simply not understand. Sometimes, she had a hard time understanding it herself. Of course, Remus was a wonderful man and not a monster at all, but it was still difficult to comprehend why she had fallen so hard for him. She had thought herself strong and independent, only to find that she would willingly throw away what dignity she had left to make him stay. And she had already lost most of it by begging him tearfully. Before she had met Remus Lupin, she had been alright with staying by herself, she hadn't felt the urge to share her bed with somebody to be able to sleep. She hadn't loved so much it had hurt. Was she not as strong as she had thought? Was she weak to make herself such a slave to love? There was no answer to her thoughts and she decided to leave it at that. Her parents would have to believe that she was mourning Sirius and if they didn't believe it, she wouldn't give them another explanation. She couldn't.

XxxxxxxxxX

There was a knock on the door. Ted Tonks didn't expect anyone, especially not at eight o'clock in the morning on a Sunday. Slowly, he rose from his chair, putting his cup of coffee back on the table, and headed for the door.

"Who is there?"

"It's me, Dora."

"What did you wear on your birthday party when you became three years old?"

"That awful pink dress Mum made for me, especially for that occasion. It looked horrible, but I liked the colour."

Relieved, he opened the door to see the clearly exhausted form of his only daughter.

"Dora! It's good to see you, darling. You have avoided as far too much those last weeks."

"I would never avoid you, Dad."

They hugged each other and Ted could swear that she had become much thinner than was healthy.

"Come in. Dromeda's still sleeping."

"I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't wake you, did I?"

She looked carefully at him, but he was fully closed and smelled like his favourite coffee.

"No, I've been awake for a while now. I didn't sleep well. You know, I was worrying. With You-Know-Who getting stronger by the day... It won't be easy for Muggleborns, will it?"

He smiled a weak smile and avoided her eyes. Tonks scolded herself for being so thoughtless and selfish. Her parents were worrying as well and all she did was wallowing in self-pity, not visiting them and this way probably even increasing their worries.

"No, it probably won't. I'm so sorry, Dad. I should have visited you earlier."

The look of honest regret on her face softened the anxiety in his features.

"Don't worry, Dora. You're here now, that's all that matters."

Together, they sat down in the living room, waiting for Andromeda to wake up and join them.

"I could go upstairs and wake her, you know. You don't have to wait."

"No, let her sleep. She needs some rest, I think. All of us do."

"You look like you didn't have much of it, though. What's bothering you, Dora? I can see that you're worrying about something. You can tell me."

"Dad, it's okay. I'll get through. I came here to see you, not to add to your worries."

"Dora, you're my only child, my little princess. I'll always worry about you, it's just what a father does. And in this case, it's justified. You became so very thin, darling. What is it?"

Tonks looked away, trying to hide her tears.

"Dora. Dora, look at me, please. There is nothing, really nothing you can't tell me. I love you, my little princess. Tell me."

"I can't."

She shook her head, tears running down her cheeks.

"I'll promise that I won't say anything if you don't want me to. Just tell me. I won't object, I swear. I want to help you, Dora."

She couldn't take it any more. It was getting too much. Even with Molly caring for her. It wasn't the same. She wanted her parents to know, at least her father. She had always been so close to Ted. There was nothing she couldn't tell him. Absolutely nothing. He promised not to object. Maybe he would hate Remus without even knowing him, but who cared? It wasn't like they were ever going to meet. Remus didn't love her, so why should he care for what her parents thought of him?

"You swear you won't object? You won't interrupt me or tell me off for feeling the way I do, or for my decisions? Just listen to me and keeping your opinion to yourself?"

"I will, Dora. Anything. Just let me ease your suffering. I can't stand to see my little girl crying."

She gave him a weak smile and cuddled in his chest. He put an arm around her protectively, pulling her closer to his warmth. Her father was so strong... He would keep his promise. She closed her eyes, inhaling his reassuring scent of coffee, earth and flowers. He must have been working in the garden. She smiled at the thought, a rare real smile this time, and started talking.

"It's so complicated... You know that I'm in the Order of the Phoenix."

He nodded and squeezed her shoulder briefly. Ted didn't like to think of how his Dora was risking her life. Not just as Auror in everyday life, but also in Dumbledore's organisation. She was a target for any dark wizard and the thought scared him.

"Well, and I told you about Sirius."

Another nod. Andromeda had never believed in her cousin's guilt. She had thought him innocent, always telling him how the Sirius she knew would never be able to do anything alike. Her words had been so convincing he couldn't bring himself to believe in the rightness of his imprisonment. It had been a great relief when Dora had told them that he was, indeed, innocent. The look on his wife's face had clearly stated 'I told you so'.

"There is his best friend, Remus Lupin. They had been to Hogwarts together."

Ted knew this much as well. Andromeda had told him about the 'Marauders', as they had called themselves in school. He even met them once when Dora had been a little child. Before that night in October. Which had convinced him even more that Sirius Black surely wouldn't work together with the Dark Lord to kill his best friends one after the other.

"And I... well, I sort of fell for him."

That was indeed the first surprise in her statements so far. Dora never fell for anyone. She fancied someone, but she always had been staying to herself. Ted had always thought that she simply didn't need anyone to be with her, she kept up well on her own.

"But there are some problems to it."

"Which problems?"

Who could possibly resist his little Dora? He knew she could be the most charming girl when she wanted to.

"Well, first, he is a werewolf (Ted started at this, but, remembering his promise, he kept quiet) which results in him being out of work and having no money. Then he is thirteen years older than me. He didn't think he's good enough for me."

Ted's first reaction was to absolutely agree with this guy and to thank Merlin that he was decent enough to accept that and turn her down. But on the other hand, it seemed to be exactly what made his little girl so sad and he didn't want her to be sad. Never.

"I think that he doesn't love me, but Molly thinks he does. That he really means this whole noble thing and that he doesn't want to drag me down to him. I told him I don't care about any of this. I really don't. Merlin, Dad, I was so pitiful. I begged him to stay, I cried, everything. I just love him so much. He thinks he's a monster, but he isn't. Beside this whole werewolf thing I don't know anyone who's less of a monster than Remus. He's always so good. He tries to help everyone, he's always kind and polite and understanding. I... I feel safe with him, Dad. So very safe. I didn't know that I lacked anything or that I needed to feel safe until I met him. It just feels so right... This thrill whenever I even think of him. I'm at home when he's with me. At peace, no matter that there's a war going on out there."

Ted held his daughter closer. His little girl... He knew she was serious. Dora wasn't someone to do just half of it. Either she wasn't with anyone, not even interested, or she fell so hard she couldn't see anyone else. He knew this much... It was what she had inherited from him. He had been like this. Never caring to be with a girl until he met Andromeda Black and fell so hard he would have rather been killed by her crazy family than to live another day without her. That was why they had run off together. Andromeda wanted to escape and to be with him and he needed to be with her. That was why they had married and got this beautiful child he held in his arms right now. No one ever thought they could make it. The Muggleborn and the girl who had been raised by dark wizards to hate Muggles. But his Dromeda never had been like them. And listening to Dora rambling about how wonderful that Remus was, considering that he was in the order to help fighting You-Know-Who, respected by Dumbledore... Probably he wasn't like the other werewolves, either. After all, it wasn't something you chose. And if Dora loved him and the order and Dumbledore respected him there was no way he could hate that man. A Hufflepuff was loyal and trusted the judgement of his loved ones. That was why he had been proud to be one. Why he had been proud when Dora had been sorted in the same house.

"What happened?"

She looked up at him, surprised by his calm reaction. He smiled at her and Tonks knew he understood. She should have known all along. She had always been closer to her father for a reason. They were alike. She smiled back, a sad smile this time.

"Well, he.. he had to leave. For a mission. He went to live with the ferals. Our last conversation was when I begged him to stay at King's Cross weeks ago. I mean, this is a suicide mission and I'm so afraid that he could die there... He said it was his duty. That he couldn't be with me, even if he stayed, for the reasons I mentioned earlier. He didn't exactly say that he doesn't love me, but... I thought I won, just for one moment... and then he turned away. Without saying goodbye. He was so cold. But Molly insists and beforehand I thought that he might love me as well. There was that kiss on Christmas... Okay, he had to kiss me because I was trapped under a mistletoe thanks to Sirius. But it felt so right... So true. I'm not so sure. I don't know anything. It hurts so much to think about it and I worry for him all the time..."

"Why didn't you come here earlier, Dora? You know that I'm always there for you."

"I... I'm sorry, Dad. I should have come, I know. But I was afraid of your reaction. I didn't want someone to tell me that I should let go or that he is right with turning me down. I love him. I don't want to let go or lose this feeling. I know that it's true love. It's too painful not to be."

She offered him another weak smile and he pulled her on his lap, hugging her tightly.

"You shouldn't be afraid to come to me and tell me anything, Dora."

"I know. It wasn't so much your reaction I feared, more Mum's. I don't know how to tell her. She will be outraged."

"I think so. I'll tell her, Dora. I'll convince her somehow. I trust your judgement and if you say that he's worth your love and your trust, then I believe you. I'll write you as soon as I told her. But I think you shouldn't show up for dinner or anything for a while. She will be furious. For quite a long time. But she'll get over it. You're her daughter, after all."

"You would do that for me, Dad? Thank you."

She hugged him once more.

"Do you want to see her now or do you want to wait until she knows and has calmed down?"

"The latter, I think. You know how poor a liar I am."

"Yeah, I think I remember."

They grinned at each other.

"Oh, and Dad, there's a reason why I came here today..."

"Yes, darling?"

"You don't mind having my furniture in here, do you? Because it's all in front of your door and I don't know where else to leave it. I just moved out of my flat and I have to stay in the Three Broomsticks for a mission which begins tomorrow..."

Ted sighed. That was just his little Dora.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

**Determined**

He did it. He sent the owl with his message to Dumbledore. If the headmaster agreed with the date he chose, he could give his report sometime soon. He could escape this hell.

Just as he was thinking about that wonderful possibility, someone came up behind him. Shocked, he turned round, expecting to see someone with a knife coming towards him. The last few days, the ferals had been even more suspicious than usual. If they noticed that he was a spy, his life would be over soon. But it wasn't. It was Jordan, the only one whose company he could tolerate for longer than five minutes. Jordan wasn't done with his life as a human. He was just bitter because his wife left him after he had been bitten, taking his children with her. They had met before, when Remus visited Arthur in St. Mungos. It seemed a life time ago.

"What are you doing, Remus? Just sitting here, lost in your thoughts, as always?"

He gave him a weak smile.

"As always. What are you doing out here?"

"They're becoming unbearable. Greyback preaches they should kill everyone who had turned from them when they had been bitten And bite every little child they meet."

Jordan shivered. Remus supposed that he remembered his children, both being only four and three. Exactly what Greyback would want his victims to be like.

"You don't have to stay with the pack, Jordan. I know it's not the life you want. You are not like them."

"But what shall I do, Remus? I have nowhere to go to. I'm not accepted by wizarding society any more and the pack doesn't trust me completely. I'd chose a lack of trust over hatred."

Remus looked away. He had feared this answer. As well as the question that followed.

"Why don't you leave? You survived long enough. You could do it again. I don't know what you're trying, but you won't convince them, Remus. They don't even listen to you. Your words can't compete with the blood Greyback offers. You should stop wasting your time and go back to your old life."

"I can't. How could I, if I didn't even try? Maybe some of them will listen to me as soon as they find out that Greyback and through him the Dark Lord is lying to them."

Remus didn't like calling Voldemort by the name his Death Eaters used, but in the colony it would be too much of a risk to say his name out loud. Only members of the Order of the Phoenix were supposed to do so, it would ruin his disguise.

"They won't get it, Remus. Maybe when it's too late. But no earlier. They are blind to anything that's not their beloved revenge. Think about it. What could you possibly do against it? You're alone. We're alone."

Jordan looked up at the night sky, searching for stars. But the sky was clouded and didn't reveal a single one. Just like life with the ferals. Everything was dark, not even containing a spark of hope. Remus would have liked to tell him that he was wrong, that they weren't alone. Dumbledore cared. The order cared. They would try to hinder Greyback's attacks. At least the ones Remus heard about and could report to them.

"You know, Remus, you should be more careful. I know, they're suspicious all the time, but they really want to get you. You're disappearing for so long every now and then. I know that you're just sitting here, but they don't. And they don't even want to. They're just searching for a way, an excuse to get rid of you. Not that they would need one."

"Thank you, Jordan. I know, but thanks for warning me."

Jordan patted him on the shoulder and left. Remus sighed. His life was definitely over. And he had to admit, he really regretted not knowing what a night spent with Tonks was like.

XxxxxxxxxX

Tonks looked at the room in front of her. This would be her home for the next months. She didn't know exactly how long this mission would go on, but she already liked it. Of course, Hogsmeade was nowadays just as depressing as any other city, but it was better than her cold, lonely flat. And she had company. It wasn't all too pleasant, but it would keep her from thinking. Dawlish was useless, but Proudfoot and Savage were nice partners. Tonks wasn't able to figure out why Fudge and Scrimgeour both trusted Dawlish with the task to follow Dumbledore. First, it was simply impossible and second, he was just plain incompetent. Even Hagrid would have been better at tracking. It was obvious why they didn't pick her, tracking wasn't her speciality, either. Moreover she was known to be in the Order of Phoenix, what meant that she certainly wouldn't tell the ministry where Dumbledore went. But Proudfoot and Savage both never showed any particular affection for Hogwarts' headmaster and were a far better choice when it came to track somebody. Maybe Scrimgeour didn't want to waste his brilliant Aurors on an impossible task, but had to at least try nonetheless.

The room she would stay in was actually quite simple. There was a bed, a desk, a couch and that was it. A door led into the little bathroom. It was enough for Tonks to feel comfortable. Sighing, she sank down onto the couch and tried not to think of what Remus might be doing right now. If he was still alive. She had heard rumours that the colony became agitated. They wanted to do something but Voldemort held them back, so they distracted themselves by turning against each other. Every morning right after the full moon there would be a new corpse on the streets of London. Until now, nobody but the ministry had noticed it, but if it went on like this, it would only be a question of time. She prayed every night that it wouldn't be Remus they would find the next time. Molly and Dumbledore both reassured her constantly that he was all right. But it did nothing to soothe her anxieties. Molly didn't know more than Tonks about what was going on in the colony and Dumbledore... Well, she wasn't sure that he knew how she felt. Most probably he did, since he was Dumbledore and knew everything. At least it wouldn't make her feel obvious if he knew. Nobody else seemed to have noticed.

A knock on the door got her out of her thoughts. Careful not to trip, she made her way to the door, opening it just a bit.

"Hey, Nymphie."

Giovanni was standing in front of her, grinning broadly.

"Giovanni? What are you doing here? How did you know?"

"Yeah, I missed you, too. Since you don't talk to me any more, I decided to check on your parents. Ted had the decency to tell me where his daughter lives at the moment. I stood in front of your flat, wondering why the sign had been removed. What happened, Nymph?"

"I... I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you..."

Tonks blushed violently. So that was what she had become! A careless, selfish idiot who didn't even tell his best friend that she moved. Or that she was on a mission in Hogsmeade. She couldn't even remember the last time she had talked to him. Really talked, not just a few words and that lie about how she was fine. She had known the moment she had said it that he didn't believe her, but somehow she hadn't been able to tell the truth. He was so happy with Robert, she didn't want to ruin his luck with her insolvable problems.

"Of course. You forgot to tell your _best friend _that you moved out of your flat and have a mission in Hogsmeade. It's such everyday stuff that it isn't necessary to tell me. Who doesn't move from time to time? And it certainly doesn't have to do anything with the fact that you didn't talk to me the last few months. Or that, if you actually came over, I was the one who did all the conversation. You just sat there and mumbled some lie about you being all right. I know you didn't mean it that way, but I'm quite insulted that you're not even considering to talk to me about your problems. I thought we were friends, Nymph. Best friends. I thought you would tell me everything, no matter what it is. Give me a chance. I always asked for your advice when I didn't know what to do. Let me help you this one time you actually need me."

He smiled for her and Tonks was at a loss for words. It wasn't fair on him, she had known it all along. But she would have never guessed that he would feel useless or insulted by the fact that she didn't want to burden him with her problems. Although there were quite a lot of them. For example her nonexistent love life or the raging war in front of her door. Maybe he was right and it was too much for one person. Admittedly, she already told Molly and her father. She had thought that she had burdened enough people with her broken heart and her fear, but she never thought that anyone would deliberately ask for her to do so. But that was why Giovanni was such a good friend – he was crazy and he offered her the comfort she didn't dare to ask for.

"I'm really sorry. I didn't want to burden you with that. But if you still want to... The couch is quite comfortable and Rosmerta has some really delicious hot chocolate down there."

He grinned at her.

"For a start, that will be enough. But I think we will have to interrupt our conversation at some point because I feel an insistent urge to go over to Honeydukes. Besides, Robert ordered me to bring him some sugar quills. Thank Merlin that he is a wizard, otherwise his teeth would be lost by now."

Tonks chuckled at the thought. Robert had looked quite in shape when she had seen him the last time. Presumably a healer's work was pretty exhausting, or he would have looked like the Fat Lady, seeing that he mostly lived on sugar.

"See? I'm just here for about five minutes or so and I've already made you laugh. Who else can do that at times like these?"

He raised an eyebrow and Tonks couldn't help but chuckle once more. Giovanni was right, she couldn't think of any other person that would have been able to make her laugh so easily in her current state of depression.

"So, can I come in now or do you want me to stay in front of your door? I know I just said that I want to go to Honeydukes, but I don't want to do so immediately. I guess I can gather some time to sit down, if you don't mind."

She smiled at him and took a step aside to let him enter. They sat down and Tonks instantly curled up at his side, putting her head on his shoulder. It was calming to hear his regular breathing and feel his warmth. She had to admit that she had missed that feeling.

"So. Why did you stop talking to me, Nymphie? What happened? Has it something to do with that werewolf you fell for?"

"Everything has, Gio. Dumbledore set him on a mission for the order. He has to live with the ferals as a spy. I'm worried sick, Gio. I don't even know if he's still alive. And our last conversation was more of an argument... I begged him to stay, I told him that I love him, Merlin, I even cried! In front of a whole bunch of people. And he was just so cold... He said that he doesn't want to drag me down to him by being with me, that he's too old and too poor and too dangerous. I don't care about any of it, but he just didn't listen. And then... I was so very depressed, I didn't even get out of my bed. If it hadn't been for Molly finding me... I don't know. My head is spinning with worry, I'm hardly able to concentrate on anything else, no matter how much I ought to. Even work is difficult to manage. I can't sleep. I barely eat anything. If it wasn't for some drops of beautification potion every morning, I would look like death warmed up. I just couldn't imagine that anyone could help me. It seemed so useless to make you sad when you couldn't do anything about it. Except for Molly I didn't see anyone and I didn't talk to anyone. I thought you wouldn't understand. I just went to Dad because I needed a place to leave the rest of my furniture. I'm so sorry. I didn't think I would hurt you with my behaviour. To be exact, I didn't think that much lately."

She tried to smile at him, but she knew it rather looked like a sad grimace.

"Nymphie. Whatever might happen in the future, please, never ever think again that we wouldn't understand or support you. Neither me nor your father would ever think about letting you down when you need us. It's not important what I think on the matter. It's important what you need to hear, what makes you feel better. We don't know the truth and I'm not going to hurt you with my opinion or speculations. Why did you think we wouldn't understand? Why didn't you at least try to talk to me or to Ted?"

"Because I don't understand it myself! I never thought I'd be the type to fall so hard, to make myself so dependent on someone. I didn't choose it. I thought Dad would have hated him anyway, seeing that he is a werewolf and thirteen years older and everything. After all, I'm his only child. And I supposed you would hate him for hurting me. That's why I talked to Molly instead of my best friends or my family. She knows Remus. She knows that he's not doing this to hurt me or anything, but because he truly means it. He hurts himself as well. I know he's a good person, the best I've ever met, even. I didn't want to hear that I should give up on him, that he deserves what he does. I needed to hear that my decision is right. That it's definitely the right choice not to betray my feelings in order to keep safe from all the hurt. That Remus deserves happiness. That's why I didn't ask for your help. I didn't think you could give me what I need."

"Nymphie. I promise, I'll give you anything you ask for. And I know that it's the same for Ted. Even for Andromeda, although she probably needs a lot of time to get over her anxiety and prejudice. I mean, she did finally accept that you became an Auror. Admittedly not until you had finished your training, but when she saw the certificates, she capitulated. So if this guy finally comes round, just marry him. Certificates seem to soothe her temperament."

Tonks laughed and hugged Giovanni tightly. He did know what he had to say to make her feel better. She should stop underestimating her loved ones. At least she learned one positive thing from her misery: There was nothing she couldn't trust Giovanni or her father with. Absolutely nothing. Like they had said. It was meant literally. It made her happy. Just a fleeting moment of happiness, but one nevertheless. She knew the ones she could trust in unconditionally. The thought that Remus had no one left he could say that about – except for Dumbledore, maybe – made her even more determined. Everyone needed someone they could rely on and she would be that someone for Remus. If he wanted her to or not. He had no right to die until she hadn't fulfilled her mission. She never failed a mission. And this one would be no exception. Because Tonks could be just as stubborn when it came down to her principles. He would have to learn that soon enough.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

**Fatigue**

Life with the ferals became even worse. Dumbledore had agreed on the date set by Remus, but right now Remus wasn't too sure that he would make it that long. Wherever he turned, someone of the pack stood behind him, next to him or in front of him. They never let their eyes wander somewhere else. Sometimes Remus didn't know why they didn't just kill him right away. Why were they wasting their time following him everywhere he went? The horrid thought that they might have come to the conclusion that he was a spy came up in his mind. Were they trying to follow him to the source of his mission? Did they want to know who was interested in the doings of their beloved leader? No matter if his suggestions were right or not, he would definitely have a hard time escaping them to report to Dumbledore. At least without bringing half of the pack with him. As it was now, they didn't even let him get lost in his thoughts any more. There was no time of the day, not even the night, where he could allow himself to think of Tonks. He knew his life was on the line right know. And people tend to do stupid things when they know that they're going to die. He didn't want to end up at Tonks' apartment, together with a dozen ferals.

The date came closer. Remus still had no idea how to get out of the colony without being seen. Not with all those men on his heels. To his utmost surprise, it was Jordan who offered him the solution.

"I know you're up to something, Lupin. I want you to talk to me. To all of us. Now."

He had put on a bitter grimace, much like the others. It was just a fraction of a second, but Remus saw his wink and understood immediately.

"I don't know what you mean, Jordan. I'm not up to anything. There is nothing to talk about."

He did his best to look as arrogant as possible.

"Of course you know, Lupin. You're sneaking around all the time. There is something wrong with you. The pack wants to know what. We can't let you stay here if you're going to betray us in any way, Lupin."

"I'm not planning to betray you. I never would."

"Then why did you live with those bloody wizards all that time? Why didn't you come to us earlier? There is something you don't tell us and I would prefer this to follow you into your grave."

Jordan cowered down in order to attack Remus. He jumped at him and the fight broke lose. None of them was actually trying to hurt the other, but they had to make it look like that. A fight would give Remus the opportunity to steal away from the colony for a time without being doubted. It was usual that the one who lost would disappear for a while before he came back and had to start anew in the hierarchy of the pack. Jordan would prove himself and could be of more use to Remus' cause and the fact that he had voiced their doubts would make them less of a problem. Maybe they would stop following him as soon as he would come back.

There where whistles and cheering. The pack loved fights like this. Preferably around or during the full moon, to get sure somebody would die or be severely injured. Remus and Jordan did their best to give them a show. Remus hated this sort of a row and he certainly wasn't too fond of the idea to be the one that would have to lose. His nose was already bleeding and he was quite sure that some of his ribs were broken. When he felt a hard punch hitting his head, he let himself fall back on the floor. He tried to whimper authentically, which wasn't too hard as the punch really had been painful. There were catcalls, probably because the fight was already over. Definitely not because they felt sorry for Remus.

When the cheering part of the bystanders surrounded Jordan to congratulate him to his victory over the suspicious old Lupin, the latter clandestinely made his way out of the colony's area to apparate somewhere near his meeting point with Dumbledore. The meeting wouldn't be for another few days, but Jordan hadn't known about any of it, so he had to be grateful even though his body ached everywhere. Without this little, spontaneous manoeuvre he wouldn't have gotten out there, especially not in time to give his report. And although they had been far more askant about him those last days, the fact that there always had been someone around him had allowed him enough information on their plans to prevent some of them. At least he hoped so.

So a few minutes later, Remus hobbled into the Hogshead. Aberforth hardly looked up before he directed him into one of his rooms. He knew about the meeting and that Remus would appear in Hogsmeade sooner or later, so it had been reserved for him. Remus was grateful that Aberforth didn't lose a word about his state and decided to have some rest before examining his injuries. As soon as he had fallen onto the quite comfortable bed, he was asleep.

XxxxxxxxxX

It still was hard on Tonks. She did her duty, made her shifts, ate, drank, visited her parents and Giovanni and Robert. She made reports to Dumbledore and attended the meetings. But inside she still felt as dead as the day Remus had walked away from her without a word. She woke up every morning, remembering his cold words and his nonexistent reaction to her confession. It hurt every time she thought of it. As much as she tried to distract herself, from time to time there would be something or someone that reminded her of the situation. Sometimes she thought she saw Remus walking past her, but she would just shake her head. Remus was with the ferals, he wasn't in Hogsmeade. She most probably would never see him again. Chasing hallucinations wouldn't make him love her.

Then the new term at Hogwarts started. It was Tonks' task to check on the Hogwarts Express and the pupils on the platform. She looked for the ones she knew, like Harry, Hermione, Ron and Ginny. But although she saw the last three, there was no trace of Harry. She walked down the train to check if he was still in there. But what would he do there without his friends? If he had been late with his cloak, the other would have waited for him. But they had boarded the carriages without taking a second glance. When Tonks looked back to her left, they were all gone. There was something wrong.

She followed her paths down the train. Suddenly, she noticed something: One of compartments had its blinds down. Carefully, Tonks boarded the train, wand at ready. She opened the door and peered into the compartment. No one. But Harry had to be somewhere. She was sure she wouldn't have lost him in the crowd. He was so tall by now.

A thought struck her. The invisibility cloak! Of course. He must have stayed behind to do whatsoever without being seen. And something went wrong. Tonks waved her wand and a simple _'Accio' _uncovered Harry, obviously stunned and in a quite uncomfortable-looking position, his nose still bleeding. Another wave of her wand and he was able to move again. The rest could be arranged later for she already felt the train moving beneath her feet.

They quickly jumped off the outgoing train. Tonks looked at Harry a little closer. Although it was dark, she could see that he still looked like a mess. There was blood all over his face and his nose seemed to be broken. She offered him to fix it and simply didn't react to his suspicious expression. She always had been good at healing spells, seeing that she needed them quite often. Afterwards, she led him up to school. There was no way they could have apparated and he had missed the carriages. Tonks sent a patronus to let Hagrid know that everything was fine and that he should collect Harry from the gate. Hogwarts' gates were impassable now, otherwise Harry wouldn't be able to get into the school.

The whole way was accompanied by an awkward silence. Harry hadn't reacted to her question about what had happened and she couldn't pretend that she was extremely curious about it. Back then, before this war and before Remus' rejection and cold goodbye, she would have been. But now her mind was somewhere entirely else. Tonks could feel Harry's pitying and curious looks on her, but she wouldn't answer to whatever he would ask. She understood why her changed appearance and behaviour would make him curious, but whatever he pitied her for, she was sure he wouldn't know the real reason of her misery.

Up at the school, she waited for Hagrid to come. Harry became impatient and tried to make it through the gate on his own. Tonks did nothing to hold him back. She knew he would be in far better company in a few minutes. Relief flooded through her as she saw the little light in the distance, but the feeling vanished immediately when she saw Snape's cold eyes. Her heart beat faster. He had seen her patronus. He knew. He probably had known before, along with Molly, Sirius and Dumbledore.

The first time she had seen her patronus after Remus' leaving, she had been shocked. She knew that her love was true, but she hadn't expected her patronus to change its form because of her feelings for him. Especially not after he had rejected her like that. It was weaker than her old one - which was normal considering her all but happy state – and it was so... well, big. Beforehand, it had been a parrot. A very colourful parrot, although you couldn't see it in the silvery glow. But she had been sure of it. And now it was this. A large wolf. A werewolf. Remus. Her heart and soul. That was why it had changed. The other half of her soul was gone, she was ripped apart and so her patronus had changed to express her feelings. It couldn't replace the real Remus, but she was glad to see it. It reminded her that she was right, that her feelings were indeed as deep as she had told him. And that she had every reason to keep fighting for him.

But right now, she was anything but glad about its form. Snape had his usual evil grin plastered on his face and he made more than one allusion on both her patronus and her feelings. Harry started to look confused, but Snape at least had the decency to bring him up to school instead of revealing her feelings for Remus to him. Fury and shock fought inside of her. She always had hated Snape, but she was sure she never had hated anyone as much as she was hating him at this very moment. He played his mean games with her and thought he could get away with it. This was none of his business. When he continued dropping such comments, soon enough everyone would know what her misery was about. She didn't want to be pitied by the whole order. Tonks had fought hard for the respect she had gathered at work and in the order and she didn't want to be treated as a schoolgirl with a crush that didn't know what to do. Her feelings were far more than a crush and she certainly did understand her job. She had been of the best in Auror training and Mad-Eye was proud of her for a reason. Snape had no right to destroy her efforts, no matter how miserable his own life was. Hopefully some Death Eater would recognize him as a spy and get rid of him. It wasn't like he could report anything useful.

Sighing, Tonks turned and went back to Hogsmeade. Half way down, she decided elsewise. She sat down on the ground, pulled her wand out and conjured her patronus. Its light illuminated the area and part of the forest that surrounded the path. She looked at it intently. The silvery wolf sat back and met her gaze, cocking his head to the side. It had Remus' eyes. She couldn't make out the colour in the glowing light, but she simply knew it. She tried to become lost in those eyes, as lost as she had been whenever her gaze had locked to long with Remus'. It didn't work, but she remembered the kiss and the way he had looked at her before he had taken that step forward. She remembered the feeling of his lips against hers, of his tongue, his smell, his beautiful eyes... The light became more intense and Tonks closed her eyes and searched inside her head. She searched for precious memories like that kiss. There were several, mostly thanks to Sirius' cooperation. She chased every other thought out of her head and concentrated on those moments with Remus. Her heart beat so fast its noise nearly drowned out the wind in the trees. Soon she noticed the light of her patronus through her closed eyelids, but she didn't care. She revelled in her memories, feeling safe and secure, like he was with her.

She stayed like that for a while, before she finally opened her eyes. The wolf was even more beautiful by now, shining down the path. Remus. She reached out to touch him, but as soon as her hand met the silvery shine, the wolf disappeared and she was left in the dark, feeling more empty than ever. Tonks didn't want to descend to Hogsmeade, knowing that she wouldn't be able to sleep this night. Her longing for Remus was so intense after her little session. She knew she couldn't take sleeping in an empty bed. So she curled up next to the bath, in the dark shadows of the forest, crying herself to a very ungentle sleep.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

**Caring**

The next morning Remus woke up completely confused. Where was he? Quickly, he took a glance at his surroundings. They didn't remind him of anything he knew. He tried to sit up to have a better look. Pain shot through his whole body and the memory was back immediately. The fight with Jordan. How he had fled out of the colony. This was a room in the Hogshead and he was waiting for his meeting with Dumbledore.

Remus took a few calming breaths to get used to his situation. He didn't want to look at his injuries right now, knowing that they would be quite deep and big in number. The pain in his chest made him think that there had to be indeed several broken ribs. Every movement, as tiny as it may was, made him hold his breath until the wave of pain had rolled over him.

Carefully, he rose from his bed. Taking off his clothes the usual way was too painful, so he simply vanished them to have a look at all the bruises and cuts. Most of his left side was covered in a giant, blue-black bruise. One or two deep cuts would leave new scars. Altogether he looked even worse than after a full moon. At least after a full moon with Wolfsbane.

Sighing, he decided to put his clothes back on and descend the stairs to get some breakfast. The minor injuries weren't so bad and the severe ones couldn't be vanished with simple healing spells. He would have to ask Aberforth whether he had anything in the house.

Remus sat down at the counter without as much as a groan. He knew that Aberforth wasn't talking much and would start a conversation on his own if he wanted one.

"What can I bring you?"

"Anything. If it's not raw meat."

Aberforth offered him a weak smile and put a plate with eggs, toast and some bacon in front of him, as well as a glass of water.

"Do you need anything else?"

"Do you have some healing potions?"

Aberforth shook his head and left him alone. Remus ate his breakfast in silence and decided to have a go at the streets of Hogsmeade. He would heal the bruises and cuts he could. He needed company, even if it was that of strangers. He needed to hear other people's conversations and laughter, to know that there still was anything alike in this world. Moreover, he needed something to distract him. An idea had formed in his head and it was hard to chase it away. When he had that much time left, why not visiting Tonks? Deep down he knew that it was a bad idea, but it remained in his thoughts nevertheless. He wanted so badly to hold her in his arms and tell her that he loved her. He wanted her to know, in case he died in the colony. He wanted to take the memory of her with him as vividly as he could. But it would do no good, neither to him nor to her. He needed to keep his distance, no matter what his heart begged him to do.

So he got back up the stairs after breakfast. He vanished his clothes once more, healed as much as he could and put on some of his spare clothes. Thank Merlin that he had expected a flight like this, or he wouldn't have had his suitcase with him. What was left of the clothes he had worn during the fight resembled rags more than anything else.

The fresh air and light rain outside hit him hard. The wind got underneath his thin clothes and made him shiver. It felt like it was deliberately reopening the wounds. But it was better than staying in the silent house with no other company than Aberforth. At times, Dumbledore's brother could be nice, but it seemed that now was none of those.

Slowly and with an effort not to limp, Remus walked up the main street. People seemed much more worried than when he had been here the last time. Finally, the message of the war had been getting to them. Some stores had had to shut down already and Remus knew he would hear no laughter on those streets. But maybe the Three Broomsticks still held some of their old magic. Remus had loved the place back in his days at Hogwarts. The few girls he had dated during those years he had met here. He absolutely detested Madame Puddyfoot's. He just crossed the street to enter the restaurant, when he walked into someone.

"Oh, sorry! I didn't see you! Are you all right?"

Carefully, he looked down on whoever he had banged into. He saw nothing but mousy brown hair and very pale skin. But whoever it was seemed to recognize something about his voice, for the person jumped at the sound of it. Her head jerked up and he saw two deep blue eyes. Merlin! He had walked into Tonks of all people!

"Tonks? What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same. I'm stationed here for the school year. What about you? Shouldn't you be you-know-where?"

She didn't dare to say the words out loud in public. Remus always knew she was bright but in their situation he hadn't expected her to think so rationally. Probably because he himself had no coherent thought left in his mind at the sight of her. She looked so broken. He hardly recognized her without her colourful hair and her eyes were much darker than before, with dark circles beneath them. She looked even more worn than last year, when she had been so depressed.

"I have a meeting with Dumbledore. Care to take a seat at the Three Broomsticks?"

He knew he shouldn't ask. He shouldn't even think about it. But he needed company and she looked as if the next breeze would throw her off her feet.

"I can't. I'm on duty. In an hour?"

For the first time, she looked at him. Her eyes contained no hope, they looked dead. It scared him. They were no longer sparkling with life. She looked tired and about to give in to something. Something he didn't want her to give in to. Something definitely not positive in any way.

"Of course. I'll be there. See you then."

He turned and made his way back to the Hogshead as quickly as possible. Her dead expression followed him, not leaving his head once. Something must have happened. It couldn't be because of him. It wasn't possible that he did that to her. Not to his beloved Nymphadora. Breathing erratic, he stormed up the stairs and fell onto his bed. He took a quick glance at the clock next to it. Still 55 minutes left. Remus already felt himself grow impatient. He wanted to see her now. He wanted to know what had changed her so much. He wanted someone to blame her state on. Someone other than himself. He rolled onto his side and looked out of the window. Somewhere out there she walked down the street, checking if everything was as it should be. Ensuring the safety of the people living in this little town. Of the pupils up at Hogwarts. She was so strong and brave for others. Yet she looked so broken and hopeless. Still people relied on her. Either she was a good actor or she just couldn't find the strength to be so strong when it came down to herself. Remus didn't know which one to hope for. She had to be strong to fight off any Death Eaters that might come her way. But on the other side he didn't want her to neglect herself. One didn't neglect the most precious thing in the whole world. What if something happened to her because she simply didn't care for herself any more? What if it was his fault? Annoyed over his own train of thought, he rolled back onto his other side and stared at the clock, willing the hands to move faster.

XxxxxxxxxX

One hour later he sat at a table in the Three Broomsticks, not knowing what to do. It would be impolite to bluntly ask her what her problem was. After all, he had said that she should stop waiting for him. He had no right to query her. But he needed to know how she was and why. He couldn't not. Every time the door opened, his head jerked up involuntarily. But it wasn't her. Just somebody who sought for shelter from the horrible weather. And his Dora was out there. Probably freezing. She didn't look like she had put any charms on her to protect her from the cold and the rain.

Remus had a look at the clock above the counter. She was five minutes late. He knew that Tonks had the habit to be late, but he couldn't fight the feeling that it had something to do with the fact that it was him who was waiting. For another ten minutes his head moved up at every movement at the door, only to be disappointed that she still hadn't appeared. Maybe she wouldn't come at all. He couldn't reproach her for it. Not after the way he had said goodbye to her at the station.

Finally, his head jerked up to find her entering. Her gaze wandered around until it met his and she walked over to sit down opposite from him.

"Why did you want to talk to me?"

She didn't let her eyes stray away from his, this time. Remus knew he was lost.

" I just... What happened? You look so different."

"You dare to ask what happened? Don't tell me you don't remember it. You know damn well what happened."

Her hair turned a little bit red.

"That can't be, Tonks. There has to be something else..."

"You want to know what happened? **You **happened! It's all because of you, don't search for someone else to blame that on! I'm stuck in this only because of you!"

She stayed calm enough not to shout at him in front of all the people, but her hair had turned a dangerous shade of red. Remus didn't know what she meant with 'this'. She had gestured towards her body. Okay, the hair wasn't all too appealing, but the rest of her was beautiful, as always. It was impossible for her to change into something that wasn't absolutely adorable. Too adorable for Remus to look at it for too long. Until now he had only longed for her company, but the mention of her body made him long for her physically. He wanted to take her, right then and right there. Just this one time. Just to know how it felt before he had to return to his own death. But he knew it was wrong. As wrong as it had been when they were still at Grimmauld Place, together with Sirius, and even worse because living with the ferals hadn't turned him into the most sensible man of all times. Would he have taken her right then, it would have more resembled a rapture. He didn't want it to be like this. And he certainly didn't want to set the ferals on her trace. Their animal-like life had sharpened their senses and he knew he would smell after her long enough for them to hunt her down. There was no way he could do that to her, in which sense soever.

"Im sorry, Tonks, really. But we just can't. You know why."

"No, I don't know why. Your excuses are nothing but that – excuses. Why do you run from me? What did I do wrong? Or do you just don't like me? Give me a real reason. Look into my eyes and tell me that you don't love me, that you're not even interested. I'll drop the subject straight away."

He looked into her dark eyes. They were glittering with unshed tears. And he suddenly knew that he couldn't. He would never be able to tell her that lie, not whilst looking at her. Usually, he was a gifted liar. But that wasn't a simple lie, that was the total opposite of what he was feeling. So much that he couldn't verbalise it without giving himself away. He tried to open his mouth and say the words, but they got caught in his throat. He couldn't. She was what he wanted the most on this earth. Not just on this earth. What he would want the most throughout eternity and whatever followed death. The one thing that completed his soul, no matter how many times it had been ripped apart by losing those who were closest to him. Tonks made him whole. Even if she was reproaching him, hair red with fury. She could slap him in the face and he would still feel more comfortable being around her than being without her but otherwise in the most comfortable circumstances. He swallowed hard and shut his mouth.

She still looked at him, gaze not leaving his eyes. Remus felt exposed. She knew he couldn't do it. She won. She would always win because no matter how hard he tried to fight her love, his was untouched by those tries. He could hurt both of them again and again, could do it for years, but as soon as he would have to look into those eyes and declare that he didn't love her, he would be lost.

"So you really do, hmm? I think I knew but you made me doubt it nonetheless. Why do you still fight? Please, Remus, stop it. Let's take what little time we may have left."

He couldn't take his eyes off her. He wanted to give in. So badly. So very, very badly. He wanted to take her in his arms, admit that he had been stupid and kiss her senseless, taking her up to his room or her room. His heart threatened to burst. It was beating much too fast. It would be so unbelievably easy to give in... But then he thought of the pack. The way they had looked at him. They would kill anyone who was important to him. And if he gave in, the first path would lead to Tonks. He imagined her beautiful body, destroyed like those left behind after the full moon, covered in her own blood. No. He couldn't do that. He wouldn't let this happen.

"No, Tonks. I can't. I don't want you to get hurt. You don't know how dangerous being with me is right now."

"Remus, I don't care! I can defend myself!"

"Not with twenty of them right in front of your door."

"It doesn't matter! You're more important to me than the danger. Please. I can see that you need me, now more than ever. It's certainly not easy to live with them. Give us a chance. Give me the chance to help you, to make it better, even a little bit."

Remus felt his eyes going wet. He could see in hers that she meant it. Every word. She would give her life away for him. Just to make him feel a little better. Nothing else. Just that. It made him love her even more. But it also made him more determined.

"No, Tonks. Think about it. Would you want to put me in mortal peril just to feel a little better?"

"Of course not. But it's not just you. You don't know how happy you would make me. Please, Remus. Wouldn't you take that risk for me if I were in your position?"

His last try to make her stop this discussion backfired. And how it backfired. If he were in his twenties and she were thirteen years older, a werewolf and on a suicide mission... He wouldn't care. He loved her way too much to let himself care. But he loved her too much to risk her life as well.

"You know I would. But still I won't put you at that risk. I can't. I don't want you to be killed, shunned by society and out of work! Your parents will hate you. Your friends will avoid you. And they're going to stand in front of your door until they got you..."

"Stop it, Remus. They won't kill me. I can fend for myself. My parents know. My friends know, at least those I care about. And I don't care for a society full of prejudice and hatred. If they fire me for that, I don't even want to work there any more! They're just lying to the people, making them believe they can do anything at all. They can't. They're just a bunch of hypocrites, one worse than the other. None of this is important. Please."

He just shook his head. There were no more arguments. But still he couldn't do this to her. Slowly, he rose from his chair and passed her.

"You didn't tell me what happened."

She had whispered it, but he had heard it nevertheless.

"I don't want to talk about it, Tonks."

"Tell me, is it working at all? Or is it going as I told you?"

Of course she had been right. He was barely changing anything. But maybe he could save some lives.

"Tonks, not now. I'm sure Dumbledore will read my report at the next meeting."

He limped through the rows of tables and chairs, towards the entrance. He had just reached the outside when someone touched his shoulder. Tonks.

"Here."

She shoved a bag in his arms and left. When she was out of sight, he opened the bag. It was filled to the top with all sorts of healing potions, ointments, bandages and even a few books containing the most necessary and useful healing spells.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

**Midnight Meeting**

This evening, Tonks sat down on her bed, running her hands through her limp hair. She knew she wouldn't get any sleep that night. But there was just nothing else to do. Her mind was occupied with thoughts of Remus. She prayed that he wouldn't be too proud to use the potions and spells she had given him. It had broken her heart to see him limp out of the Three Broomsticks. Tonks knew that some of the few things the wizarding society had left him was his dignity, and he cherished it more than anything else. He had looked so lost at that table. She remembered his expression when he tried to say that he didn't love her. So now she knew. Remus loved her. He really did. Tonks just didn't know whether she should be happy about it or sad because he wouldn't be with her either way.

Trying to distract her spinning thoughts, Tonks grabbed one of the books on her bed table and flipped through it. To her utmost horror, she recognized that it was Jane Austen's _Persuasion. _The book she had advised to Remus back in Grimmauld Place. It seemed a life time ago, now. She hadn't been able to read it since then, it evoked memories she couldn't bear. Once, reading had been one of her favourite activities, though most people didn't believe it. Along with music. Now that everything made her think of Remus at the most impossible times, those two were the worst. Whenever she heard something that resembled a love song, she had to turn it out or leave the room. She couldn't read her former favourite novels without drifting off to what Remus was doing right now and if there was even the tiniest chance they would get together one day.

So that was what her thoughts did at seeing the book: recalling the day at the library. Several days in that library, filled with precious memories. He had been so stubborn back then, when everything still had been easy. Sirius had been alive back then, helping her as much as he could at getting his friend around. The war had been far away. Now they were in the middle of it, Remus had to face death whenever he resided in the colony and there was no old friend and beloved cousin to get him out of his thoughts. Her chances had sunk to a level so low it could be called impossible. As hard as she tried, Tonks couldn't see the point in his reasoning. Why making them both unhappy in a time of risk when just a little more risk could make them so happy? She didn't mind half of Greyback's pack standing in front of her door as long as Remus would be with her. When he had to face them, she wanted to face them, too. It hurt her deep down to know that he was on his own, that there was nobody to help him with a task that was as senseless as his arguments.

Angry with herself, Tonks shook her head. She had to chase those thoughts out of her head once and for all. It was of no use to wonder if Remus would come around one day or not. She already did what she could about it, the rest was his decision. Now should be the time to concentrate on her task: protecting the village and the castle. It was not much, at the moment there was no trouble in sight. But it could arrive any time now and she should be prepared, not walking around with her head up in the clouds. Mad-Eye would scowl at her for her behaviour and her thoughtlessness. Tonks took a deep breath to calm herself down. Determined, she threw the book aside, grabbed her wand and rose from her bed. On her way to the door she put on her cloak. It was about time to release Dawlish from his duty.

XxxxxxxxxX

Carefully, Remus sat the bag down on the floor. There were still a lot of potions left and he didn't want to break the glass and spill them. After all, they were a gift from Tonks. The best one she could have given him in his situation. The cuts and bruises were all healed by now and he could attend to his meeting with Dumbledore without looking like he had been getting in a fight. He could move without flinching from pain and he didn't have to vanish his clothes any more. Slowly, he sank down on the bed and stared at the bag.

Why did she have a whole stack of healing potions, books and bandages with her? She must have been in her apartment between duty and their meeting. Maybe that was what took her so long. Maybe his presumptions had been unjust. She hadn't let him wait to get revenge for his cold words at the station. She had hurried to help him recover from his stay in the colony. Remus felt ashamed of himself. All he ever thought of was himself. He couldn't handle the knowledge that he most probably would be the death of her, he had the dangerous mission, he was madly in love with her. But what about her? She suffered as much as he did. She had a mission as well and as soon as the Death Eaters would decide to come to Hogsmeade, it would be quite dangerous. And it seemed that she was in love with him just as much as he was with her. But Tonks wasn't the one that refused him countless times. In fact, she ran after him to give him the potions he needed instead of shouting at him for what he did to her, for his senseless arguing. She had every right to be mad at him, to refuse him. He **was **too old, too poor and too dangerous. He **was **a stupid git and didn't treat her like he should. Remus knew he should thank her on his knees that she loved him despite all his flaws, and he did. He just couldn't show her. He wouldn't put her in more danger than she was in already.

Concluding that arguing with himself was pointless for his heart wouldn't win over his mind, he decided to write the report for Dumbledore. In the colony it hadn't been safe enough, but here he was free to do so. And he couldn't expect Dumbledore to take notes when he told him what he had overheard. Notwithstanding that he presumably didn't even need his blackened hand to do so. So Remus sat down at the little desk and started to write. Not surprisingly, thinking of the colony was much less painful than thinking about his feelings for Tonks. Because he knew what he felt and the only thing keeping him from acting on it was his own conscious. Pondering about it any further wouldn't help his resolve in the least. Whereas thinking about the horrendous plans of the pack reinforced his resolution to go back and help stopping them, even if his conscious was the only part of him that was convinced of its rightness.

Hours went by. He had been with the pack for weeks, after all, and the werewolves didn't lack motivation to revenge. Even the few plans Remus had been able to overhear were enough to fill pages, which made Remus feel guilty all the more. How could he have ever thought that his task was worthless? There were so many lives he could rescue with a few weeks of deprivation. And he wasted his time thinking about a love that shouldn't be! He should stop that and try to figure out how to prevent Greyback's attacks from succeed. He definitely shouldn't be thinking about the dead look in her eyes and how it would feel to press her against his body, tasting her beautiful lips... If it would wash that sad look off her lovely face... Maybe her hair would turn pink again for him...

The sound of the pencil hitting the table woke him out of his reveries. He hadn't even noticed that he had been dropping it. Shaking his head, he took a glance out the window. Darkness had fallen without him noticing it. The flickering of the candle next to him caught his gaze. His head ached with hours of pure concentration. He needed some fresh air. Sighing, he put his report aside, ensuring its safety with some spells. Then he put on his cloak and left for some soothing night air.

XxxxxxxxxX

After some hours outside, Tonks stopped feeling the cold and the ever-dropping rain. Her hair stuck to her head and she shivered without noticing it. She hadn't cared for the easy spells that would have spared her the freezing. She wanted to freeze. It made her feel alive and it distracted her mind from certain werewolf. At least for now, she knew that he was safe and comfortable. If he hadn't thrown away the potions she had given him.

Lost in thought, Tonks walked down the lanes she was supposed to control. Out of boredom, she checked everything twice. The advantage of a total lack of such things as a private life was that you did your work accurately. Ever so slowly, she crossed all the streets and narrow alleys, searching for something suspicious. She nearly hoped to find something, anything, just to have some actual work to do. Even duelling a Death Eater was better than walking around with no aim at all. At least it would have been a challenge. Tonks was about to start anew on the other side of the village when she saw a hooded figure walking aimlessly through the street. If it had been one of her colleagues, they would have approached her immediately. Neither Proudfoot nor Savage would have wandered around in such a weather. Not to mention Dawlish. He needed his beauty sleep, as he had put it. As fast as she could without drawing attention on her presence, she hid in one of the alleys, observing the figure a little closer. It was definitely a male, the stature wasn't female at all. She supposed that it wasn't a Death Eater, either, because a Death Eater wouldn't take a walk in Hogsmeade with obviously no aim at all when they knew that there were Aurors around. And Tonks was quite sure that they knew. So either it was tactic to set her on a wrong trace or it was just someone who wanted to take a walk in the middle of the night, moreover in times of war. Not very likely, but better than a Death Eater. After all, it was work.

Wand at ready, she approached the figure directly. The drizzle made it indistinct, but she was confident that she would recognize a possible spell soon enough to block it. The person seemed to be lost in thoughts for she stood barely a few feet away from it without being noticed. A Death Eater on a mission would definitely be more careful, so she decided to wake the man – at close range it was positively a male – out of his reverie.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, sir, but you shouldn't be walking around here at such a time. It's not innocuous."

The man startled and his gaze met hers for a brief second before he looked away again.

"Remus! What are you doing here? You should be in the Hogshead. It's not the weather – or the time, at this – to take a little walk!"

"You're out here, too, aren't you?"

"Well, I'm on duty."

"Weren't you on duty when I met you in the morning?"

"I was. And now I'm on duty again. It happens sometimes. It's called work."

"Thank you very much, but I think I know what work is. But two shifts on one day sounds hard. Especially with this weather."

"I'm a witch, I won't die from some raindrops and a little wind. It's not that tragic."

"You're avoiding the point. Why are you doing two shifts? I suppose you're not the only one stationed here."

"No, I'm not. But the others need a break as well. I don't mind, so what is there to it?"

"Tonks..."

"Oh, stop it, Remus. You're out here, too. And you don't have any duty to talk you out of this, so why are you here?"

"I've been working on the report for Dumbledore. It's gotten a bit late so I decided to take a walk to get rid of the headache. Do you want any further explanation or is that sufficient?"

"It is. You should get back now. It's not the weather to stay outside. Besides there could be Death Eaters around, who knows?"

"Well, I'm with the Auror in charge, so there's nothing to fear. I think I have enough healing potions to master a cold. Thank you. I hadn't been able to say it in the morning."

"No problem. You really should get back. You could use the potions later, don't you think?"

"You could tell me why you're doing two shifts."

"Why is that disturbing you so much? It's totally normal for an Auror, we're supposed to do overtime."

"I'm just worried. You look a bit worn-out, I don't want you to work too much."

"I'll survive, don't worry. From the two of us, I'm not the one who should be worried about."

"There's no need to worry, Tonks. I'm right here."

"I know, But how long? After that meeting you will leave again. You'll live with them and that's most definitely a reason to worry. I don't even want to imagine what this pervert could do to you if he found out..."

"He won't. He's just giving orders, he's not really interested in the pack. They're just his instruments to get what he wants. As much as he preaches the contrary, he's literally a lone wolf. When they've done their fill, they'll be left to die at Voldemort's hands."

"However, I'm still worried. Even if you weren't off to live with a bunch of revenge-seeking werewolves. It's still war. And if there's no war, there is the full moon. Seems like you can't keep me from worrying about you, no matter what you say."

"You don't need to worry about any of that. You should move on and find someone else, someone who is worthy of your love."

"You are worthy of my love, Remus. More than worthy. And I will keep worrying because I just can't help it. I tried to, believe me. It's not working. I even burnt this bloody moon calendar, but I've just ended up staring out of my window every night. I can't move on. Please tell me that you didn't expect me to."

"Tonks... Please, listen. We can't be. There is no us and there will never be. I can't put you in the misery of my life, you deserve so much better. There's nothing I can offer you except for danger and worry."

"You're wrong. There is one thing you can offer me nobody else ever could. The only thing that matters and that I really want."

"And what shall that be?"

"Oh Remus, you can be quite thick-headed at times."

It was her first smile throughout their conversation. And before Remus knew what was happening, Tonks was in his arms, her lips pressed against his, her body so close it made him dizzy. Her clothes were cold and soaked, but he felt her body heat radiating through the layers of fabric. Moaning, he closed his eyes and kissed her back. Every thought of rejection vanished. How could he reject her? There was no resolve left, no resistance. It was just her lips on his, her tongue meeting his. She nearly melted into his body and he savoured the feeling. He didn't care for the rain or the cold or the wind. All he could feel was heat and want. He wanted more. He pulled her closer but it wasn't enough. Want turned into need. The distance between their bodies drove him insane. He heard his pulse rushing in his hears, the echo of his heartbeats in his head. His hand was underneath her shirt and he could feel the heat and her racing pulse. The other hand followed and they wandered further. Her breathing became more erratic and her hands in his hair pulled harder, down to her. Then he found what he had searched. Slowly, his thumb touched her nipple. She made a sound that combined a sharp intake of breath with a moan. She moved forward to press herself even closer to him, but all of a sudden, he was gone.

The sound had awoken Remus. The trance he had been in was destroyed and left space for his thoughts. It came all flooding back, his reasons, his resolution. He couldn't let that happen. He shook his head and looked at her briefly. The hurt look on her face was more than he could bear. She looked fragile and lost in the rain. Remus wasn't sure whether he was imagining her tears or not.

"I should go."

He turned and prepared himself to run when her voice stopped him one last time.

"I love you. Just know that all I want and care for is your love. Stay safe."


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

**Promises**

The following nights were hell. Well, honestly they were heaven, destroyed by the moment he had to wake up and realize that it had been nothing but a dream. Images of Tonks followed him wherever he went. Not those that were reality. Not the hurt woman who walked down the streets, along the empty buildings, looking so sad he wanted to run out and gather her in his arms. No, he saw the Tonks who hunted his dreams. As beautiful as he remembered her from their time back at Grimmauld Place, not worn-out and broken. The Tonks of his dreams was sparkling with life, laughing with him, sometimes with Sirius as well. Everything was perfect. In his dreams, he had her. He did all the things he wanted to do so badly but didn't allow himself. In those dreams, there were evenings they just sat in front of the fire, reading a good book together. Evenings when he made love to her, waking up with her in his arms, pink hair splayed over the pillows and his chest. Days were they laughed about mindless jokes, where they had picnics in some random parks, enjoying the sun. He would stare at her for hours without getting enough of her as soon as she fell asleep in the emerald grass. And he would receive the most wonderful warm gaze when she woke up and caught him looking at her. Those amazing eyes of hers were filled with love whenever she looked in his direction, there was no desperation. He loved all of those dreams, but the ones he cherished the most were the ones where she wasn't morphed. When she was the black-haired goddess with the glowing eyes he had seen in the library. It didn't matter to him what she morphed herself into, she was still Tonks. But that shape was her very essence and it had burnt itself in his memory the one time he had come to see it.

The morning of his meeting with Dumbledore, Remus woke up bathed in cold sweat. For the first time, his paradisiac dreams had turned into a nightmare. They had been in that wonderful park once again, the sunlight dancing in her black hair. He had reached out to touch those silky curls, when all of a sudden everything had changed. The beautiful day turned into night and instead of the sun with all her glorious warmth there was the moon, laughing at him with his round face. He had felt the pains of the transformation before he even knew what was happening. His thoughts and concious were drained out of him, replaced by the howling beast he became once a month. There was no Wolfsbane Potion to restrain him from what it was about to do. The only thing he knew was that it had ended with him waking up covered in blood, next to what the monster had left of his beloved. A wave of nausea shot through him as his mind pictured the scene once more and he had to run to get to the bathroom in time.

After he had thrown up seemingly everything he had eaten since he was at the Hogshead, he rested his cheek on the cool surface of the toilet seat. He had known it would end like this. Even the dreams had been too good to stay the way they were. The peacefulness of them had settled in the back of his mind, telling him that it would do no harm to make them come true. To just go to her and apologize. But it seemed that his concious chose the exact day of his meeting, the last day he was forced to stay in Hogsmeade, to remind him of the impossibility of those fantasies. There could be no peace for him. He was a werewolf and he would always be a danger to those he loved the most. He couldn't afford a relationship with Tonks, of what kind soever.

Slowly, he rose from the floor and started to brush his teeth. He took a long shower, letting the water run over his skin and wash away the ideas that had built in him the past days. There was no future with Tonks and there would never be one. Not in his dreams and not in reality. He would see to that. There was an image from one of those dreams on the edge of his concious, but he refused to think about it. He knew what it was about. The last thing his recovered resolve could use was picturing them under that shower, the hot water making her porcelain skin flush all over... Shaking his head, Remus murmured a spell and the water turned cold immediately. For a moment he feared a heart attack but he quickly got used to the temperature and it had successfully chased any sexual fantasies out of his mind. Another mumbled incantation and the water stopped flowing. He took a relieved breath and stepped out of the shower, grabbing for the towel. Thank Merlin he had always been good at wandless magic, at least with the easier spells. The shock the cold had induced had been exactly what he had needed. It had cleared his mind enough to fix his thoughts on something that was not Tonks. For example his meeting with Dumbledore. He had finished the report that very night he had been meeting her, unable to even think of sleep. Afterwards, he had cursed himself for it. There was absolutely nothing else to do for him, not a single book to occupy his thoughts. So they revolved around Tonks all the time, creating his dreams throughout the day. He should have been thinking about his mission and how he could stop Greyback, but resigned after a few minutes of fruitless cogitation. Nothing would come to his mind, no matter how hard he tried. His last hope was that after tonight, he could return to the pack. It would stop him from thinking about certain Aurors and furthermore he would have a task. A task that was mostly senseless and impossible and which he hated to the very core, but a task nonetheless.

XxxxxxxxxX

Dumbledore was being late. Usually, Dumbledore was one of the most punctual wizards Remus knew, so there had to be a reason he let him wait. Remus did his best not to get angry with his former headmaster. There were so many things he had to be grateful for when it came to this man, he couldn't allow himself to become furious because he was late a few minutes for a meeting Remus had awaited for more than a week. But reason wasn't working right now and so he paced his tiny room a few times to distract him from his anger. He didn't even know for sure why he was so angry. Probably he was just getting impatient to return to the pack because it would keep him from running to Tonks and ruin her life. The last image of his latest dream hunted his mind, but even though his resolve was wearing thin. If Dumbledore asked him to adjourn the meeting, he would end up in front of her room, begging for entrance. He knew she would give him what he wanted and he would finally take what he longed for... No. It wasn't right. He shouldn't even think about it. It was his task to spy on the werewolves, not to ponder about his desires. There were more important things than the battle between his heart and his mind.

Suddenly, a knock on the door brought him back to reality. Remus nearly ran to open it, searching desperately for something to distract him from his current train of thought. Even talking about plans on infecting helpless children was better than what he was doing right now. On the other side of the door stood Albus Dumbledore, smiling kindly at his former student.

"Remus! Good to see you. May I come in?"

"Of course."

Remus stepped aside, already feeling his fury and impatience melt away in the soothing presence of Hogwarts' headmaster. There were some things he still could make all right with his mere appearance.

"So, now, what do you have for me? Did you have any success up to now?"

"It's not much, my report is over there on the desk. I'm not sure that I'll be able to convince them to turn away from Voldemort. But I overheard some of their plans and I sincerely hope that we'll be able to stop them."

"We will do our best, Remus. Is Greyback suspecting something?"

"I don't think so. Most of the time he's not with the pack and I don't listen to his speeches. They're all the same, actually. He wants revenge and they all love him for it. They want blood and nothing I say will change their minds, Albus. The best I can do is to get them to trust me a bit more and share their plans with me. But they will become suspicious soon enough. When the order prevents their attacks, they will know that someone is spying on them and they won't need long to figure out it's me."

"You should be careful, Remus. I know what happened before you came here."

"How?"

"Well, my dear brother and Nymphadora described it quite vividly. They were betting on a good fight and I wouldn't mistrust their assumptions, seeing that they are both very experienced in this area."

The kind smile on his face was a sharp contrast to his dead hand. Remus concentrated on it, trying to figure out which curse could have done anything alike. So Tonks has been going to Dumbledore because of him. Did she really worry that much?

"Nymphadora seemed worried about you, Remus. I'm sure you know that much, but I have to admit that I am a little concerned about the two of you. She has lost a lot of weight, I might add. Is there anything you want to tell me?"

"No, nothing, Albus."

"Then why are you avoiding my eyes, Remus? You know I always caught you lying when you were at Hogwarts. I still think myself able to do so, albeit some years have passed since then."

"Really, there is nothing."

"Are you sure? I can't speak for you, but at least Nymphadora seems to be quite involved."

"It's just some minor crush, she'll get over it. I can't endanger my mission because of something so trivial."

"Remus, when I asked you to live amongst the ferals, I didn't forbid you to have a life of your own. You don't have to sacrifice everything in order to fulfill your mission. I hope you know I would never ask that of you."

"I know. And I didn't. That has nothing to do with my mission. It's not supposed to be, that's all."

"And what makes you think that it is not supposed to be?"

"Isn't it obvious? I'm a werewolf, Albus. I shouldn't be with anyone, especially not now."

"Remus, a burden which someone else laid on you in your childhood is nothing to isolate you from the rest of the world."

"It is. I'm shunned by society. Most people are scared of me, they can't even stay in the same room as soon as they know what I am."

"I don't think I am shunning you. And I don't think Nymphadora does. We are on your side, as well as the whole order. You had great friends, Remus. Do you want to dishonour their memory by making yourself lower than you actually are? You are anything but unworthy of the love and friendship that are offered to you. Beside yourself and a very prejudiced majority there is no one who would think of you as a creature, but as a person. It is about time that you start seeing yourself in the way others do. Those who really know you, Remus."

"I can't stay under your protection for the rest of my life, Albus. Don't misunderstand me, I'm grateful for everything you did to me. But if I were to be with Nymphadora, she would have to face the same hatred I have been confronted with most of my life. I can't do that to her. Nobody deserves my fate, Albus."

"Your fate is what you make of it. If you decide to isolate yourself from those who love you I can't make you change your mind. But you shouldn't, Remus. There are other ways. It's not hurting yourself or hurting others."

"It is! That's the problem! Look at the people who dared to love me! Lily, James, Sirius! They are all dead. My parents. Dead as well. I'm bad company, Albus. There is a reason I stay away from her."

"You're being unjust to yourself. Neither the deaths of Lily and James nor that of Sirius are your faults. You did your best to protect them. The war took them away from you, not your lycantrophy. It just has as much power over you as you give to it. You're more than a werewolf, Remus. You are a person. In fact, you are a person most of the time and a werewolf for a few days in the year. Don't let you be bound by it."

"I can't, Albus, I can't. I won't condemn her."

"You're too harsh with yourself. I'm positive you wouldn't condemn Nymphadora. I had the pleasure of her acquaintance long enough to learn that she knows what she wants. As she was a very bright student, I suppose that she knows what are the consequences. You don't have to think for her, she is very capable of that herself."

"I don't doubt her intelligence. Or maybe I do. She shouldn't be interested in me in the first place."

"You should have learned by now that love is nothing that can be controlled by the means of reason. Don't destroy your own happiness by thinking too much. You always worried for everyone, Remus. But people can take care of themselves without your help. Nymphadora knows what she does. Trust her if you can't trust yourself."

"I should get back to the pack now. I'll bring you the report."

Hastily, Remus rose from his chair and walked over to his desk. He couldn't bear that kind gaze on him any longer. It drove him insane. The words were too much for him. Dumbledore was crushing his resolve nearly as effectively as Tonks herself. Maybe even more because normally, there was nothing he trusted more than Dumbledore's opinion. He had been able to bury his doubts about Snape because Dumbledore trusted him. But even Dumbledore could be mistaken. He had failed when it had come to protect his best friends and their little son. He had been too late to save Sirius. And he saw good in people that simply didn't have a good side in them. Like him. He had let him come to Hogwarts, had trusted him all along, he had even made him a prefect. And what had been the consequences? Teenage Remus had been breaking the rules with his reckless friends, not caring that he took advantage of that trust. Even now that he knew what they had been doing all those years in the grounds of Hogwarts, he still trusted him and told him to be happy. That he was worth it. There was no way Remus could believe in those words.

He grabbed the report and handed it do Dumbledore without meeting his gaze. Dumbledore knew when there was nothing left to talk about, so he rose from his chair as well and turned to the door. Before he opened it, he spoke one last time.

"Remember my words, Remus."

With that he left Remus alone in the cold room, wondering of there was a chance that Dumbledore could be right about everything, after all.


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

**Expectations**

Tonks knew that Remus most probably had already left Hogsmeade. She had talked to Aberforth, who had told her the date of the meeting. But she simply had to check if he was still there. She had looked for him all the times she had crossed the streets during duty. Not once had she seen him. Maybe he stayed in his room to avoid her. The same game he had played at Grimmauld Place. There was no other way to learn if he was still in town, she had to go to the Hogshead and ask.

Slowly, the old door opened with a creak to reveal the dusty bar. The light was so dim she couldn't even figure out the tall silhouette of Aberforth Dumbledore before he spoke to her.

"Tonks. I asked myself when you would come here."

"Is he still there?"

"No, Remus left yesterday, as soon as my brother went back to the school."

"Has he left anything behind?"

"You mean a message? No, nothing alike. But your potions are gone as well."

He smiled at her, one of his rare true smiles. Aberforth had always liked Tonks, which was one of the reasons he refused to call her by her hated first name like his brother. The other was presumably simple rebellion.

"Good."

Tonks couldn't bring herself to be happy about the news, although she was relieved he didn't refuse her gift. He would need it. So she did her best to smile back, but failed mis**C**erably.

"Come here, Tonks. Sit down."

"I have to be back at duty in an hour..."

"Nymphadora, shut up and sit down."

Sighing, she obeyed, knowing that resistance was useless.

"So. Now tell me. What is this with Lupin?"

"Nothing, Aberforth, really."

"Don't lie to me, Tonks. I know when you're lying. You're nearly running after him. That's not the girl I know. Back at Hogwarts you still had some pride."

"I know. It's just so complicated. I wouldn't run after him if I knew that he doesn't love me. But he does, Aberforth, I know he does. And that's the problem."

"Where is the problem when you love each other?"

"He thinks he doesn't deserve it. He said he wouldn't drag me down to him, that I'm worth more than being shunned by society for being with him. He's not listening when I tell him that none of that matters to me. I love him. I want to be with him. It's not important whether I lose my job or am hated by people whose opinions aren't worth listening to. I have to fight for that feeling, even if it means that I'm throwing away my dignity and my pride. It's no comparison to what I'll gain should I win this fight."

"Are you sure there is no other way? I mean, if he refuses to be with you, than stop bothering him. Maybe he'll see what you mean to him when you're no longer available."

"It won't work. He would probably be grateful that I'm making it easier for him. Moreover I simply can't do this. I need to be around him whenever I'm able to, no matter if he refuses me or not. It keeps me alive. I need the rush his presence gives me to keep on fighting. I don't want to lose this feeling. It's too precious."

"It can't be that precious, Tonks. Look at you. The life is drained out of you, you're nothing but a lifeless, depressed shell of yourself. I can see the pain in your eyes because he left without a word. It brings nothing but pain and sadness. Try to forget about it."

"I can't! How could I? I've never felt that way before. I feel so safe when he's around. I remember the time when Sirius was still alive, before he started to avoid me. I felt so whole, like I've been missing something without even knowing it and now I've found it. Once you met the other half of your soul, how can you go on without longing for him or her for the rest of your life? How can you keep yourself from all this want and need when you know how it feels to be complete? Before I met Remus, I always thought I didn't need anyone in my life, but now I see that I've been missing something all the time. I feel so lonely when I'm returning to my bed at night. I can't sleep because I wish so hard that he was there with me. And now he's with the pack again and it's not unlikely that I won't see him again. I don't know what I'll do if he's not coming back, Aberforth. I know that I'm way too dependent on him, but I can't help it."

"Sounds like you could need a good firewhiskey."

This time, Tonks offered him a true smile and gratefully took the filled glass. Sometimes even Aberforth was able to figure out what she needed most at the moment.

XxxxxxxxxX

Life in the pack was hell. Remus had thought it had been hell before, but now it was even worse. His absence and the fight hadn't lessened their suspicions. Some thought he had been gone for too long, some thought he should have waited a bit longer. They still followed him everywhere he went. The only difference was that now he was at the very end of the hierarchy. He practically was an outlaw, whatever was done to him didn't matter. Usually the pack actually had some rules that forbid them to attack their fellows, punishing those who broke them very harsh. But the rules didn't include the lowest members of the pack. There was no punishment for murdering them. And Remus didn't exactly have friends among the other werewolves.

"Hey, Lupin!"

Slowly, Remus turned around. He knew what was coming.

"I thought you could need one of those."

A hard punch in his face followed. He felt his nose breaking once more, the blood dropping from his chin.

"Have a nice day, Lupin."

Laughing, the attacker and his little group left for one of Greyback's speeches on violence and revenge. Remus shook with fury and prayed for the next full moon, hoping the order would destroy as many of their plans as they could. Maybe they wouldn't laugh that much afterwards.

"Remus? Are you all right?"

Jordan had been heading towards him as soon as the others where out of sight. The fight with Remus had risen him in a higher position, he was no longer allowed to spend time with the lowest of his fellows.

"I'm fine. Don't risk your position. You really don't want to end up like me."

"There's nobody around. We're still the only ones who avoid those horrible speeches."

Another wave of fury ran through his body. He hadn't changed anything. This task was totally senseless, he was taking all of this for nothing at all.

"Remus, you knew from the beginning that you wouldn't change a thing. There's nobody listening to you except for me, but I already know what you are trying to say. Stop thinking that you can make them think of anything that's not revenge and violence and blood. That's what their lives confirm of. Please, Remus, stop trying and leave. I can't watch them treating you like that."

"Why not? They're treating all the outlaws like that."

"But the others want to be like them. They take it with pride because they know that one day, they will be one of those who hit, no longer those who get punched for nothing. You're not like them. You don't want any of this, you actually despise it. There's no reason to stay here."

"Yes, there is. I can't tell you, but believe me, there are several reasons."

"I'm pretty sure none of them is worth all of this."

"They are, Jordan. Trust me, I know what I'm doing."

"Well, if you think so. I better leave before they're returning."

The sceptical expression on his face didn't change when he left Remus behind.

XxxxxxxxxX

The next order meeting would take place at the Burrow. Dumbledore had already announced what it was about: Remus' report. They would discuss how to prevent as many of Greyback's plans as possible, choosing the people to protect the different houses. Tonks was anything but excited to have to attend to this meeting, but she had no choice. Her love for Remus didn't change the fact that she was a member of the Order of the Phoenix, which brought its commitments with it. The only consolation was that she would have the opportunity to talk to Molly. She hadn't seen her in a while now due to her duty in Hogsmeade and her constantly spinning head that left no room for thoughts that weren't either work or Remus.

"Tonks! Merlin, you look horrible! Come in here. It's been such a long time since I've last seen you!"

"Thank you, Molly. Can I stay over night? I thought we might could talk after the meeting. Before I have to return to Hogsmeade."

Molly was beaming at her.

"Of course you can, my dear. I'm so happy to see you again. I've worried a lot about you and what Dumbledore told me wasn't too reassuring."

"Molly, you really don't need to worry about me. You have a big enough family to worry about, don't you think?"

"No doubt that I have, but I can't simply stop worrying about you. You're like a daughter for me. You should know that it's not easy to stop worrying, especially in time like this."

"I think I know what you mean."

Tonks gave her friend a weak smile and hurried to the table. She needed to talk to Molly, but not directly before the meeting. It wouldn't look too professional if she broke down in tears while Dumbledore talked about their plans.

A few minutes later, nearly everyone was gathered in the small kitchen, so the headmaster decided to start the meeting.

"My dear fellows, as you probably all know by now this meeting will deal with Remus' report on the activities and plans in the werewolf colony. We won't be able to prevent all of them because most of the ferals don't trust Remus, so he only overheard a few plans. But I think there is enough in this report to keep us busied during full moon."

He shot a quick glance at Tonks before he continued to read through the report and make suggestions how to keep Greyback and his followers from achieving their aims. Tonks didn't bother to listen. Dumbledore knew that much as well, his glance had been a permission to distract her mind from what he was telling. Of course she wanted to safe those families mentioned in the report, but what if they took Remus with them? He couldn't refuse their demand without destroying his disguise and she didn't want to hurt him accidentally. Or even worse, she didn't want him to hurt her for she knew he would blame himself for the rest of his life. Tonks had played with the thought that she could let herself get attacked on such an occasion. Turning into a werewolf herself would make things so much easier. How could he still reject her? She already would have the same life as him. But on the other side she wouldn't be able to care for him after the full moon and she knew Remus would guess that she had provoked an attack. He knew she was a capable Auror and that it was unlikely for her to be overwhelmed in a situation she had under control. And Dumbledore would see to that. He wouldn't send the order out to fight against werewolves if they would risk to get infected or even killed. They would be carefully prepared for this mission.

The noise of chairs scraping over the floor made her head jerk up. The meeting was finished. She shot a questioning glance at Kingsley who shook his head. So they hadn't decided who to send out yet. Tonks took a relieved breath and watched the others leaving, murmuring a goodbye every now and then. When she turned her head again to look out of the window, she saw Dumbledore standing right behind her in the reflection.

"Nymphadora, can I have a word with you?"

Sighing, she turned around. So the glance had been more than a permission to ignore the words that would have tortured her mind had she been listening.

"Of course, Albus. What do you want to talk about?"

"It's about the mission. Nymphadora, I don't want you to participate. I know what it would do to you and I don't want you to hesitate because you think one of them could be Remus. Besides I have the impression that you would be glad about an excuse to accidentally become a werewolf."

He gave her a wink and one of his kind smiles.

"You're probably right, with all of it. But I guess he would figure it out, hmm?"

"I'm quite sure he would. Remus is a very intelligent wizard and it would be conspicuous, I think."

With that, he left as well and Tonks saw nothing but her own sad reflection when she looked back at the window. It was time to talk to Molly.

XxxxxxxxxX

"Did anything happen at Hogsmeade? You look so much thinner, dear."

"I try to eat, I swear. It's just... I met Remus in Hogsmeade, when he waited for his meeting with Dumbledore."

"Really? Well, I guess it didn't turn out the way you would have liked when I look at you."

"It didn't. He had been in a fight before he left the colony. We met in the Three Broomsticks but he didn't speak about his mission. But I saw him limping through the city and I knew they wouldn't let him get away that easily. That's why I brought the healing potions with me."

"Did he accept them?"

"He did. I know that he loves me, Molly. And I don't know if I should be happy about it. Maybe things would be easier if he didn't love me back."

"Do you really think so? He would still be the other half of your soul. Sometimes, love is unrequited. Yours isn't. You don't want to stand aside and watch the roses from a distance, do you?"

"Most probably not. But it's not easy. I could see it in his eyes as well. I asked him to tell me that he doesn't love me, but he couldn't. He wanted to to make me give up, but he couldn't do it. I could taste it in his kiss. He ran from me, Molly, once more. It felt like a promise of heaven and he just turned away and ran for his life."

"He didn't run for his life, Tonks. He's still convinced that he's ruining you by being with you. He run for yours. You just have to keep running after him. If you stop, you'll lose sight of him."

"Maybe Aberforth is right. I should forget about it. What's so wrong with a lonely life? I still could be useful, for example in the order or I could do something for charity... Maybe I find someone who makes me a little more complete than I am now."

"You don't really believe that, do you? When you close your eyes and think about your future, what do you see?"

"I see Remus. And I see lots of children with his beautiful eyes. But that's just what I want to see. There is no way he's giving in and even if he would, I highly doubt he would agree on children. He would be too worried because of his condition."

"So you won't even try?"

"I tried long enough, Molly! I can't take this pain any more!"

"What if it just needs a little more pain now to spend you less pain for the rest of your life?"

Tonks shook her head and rose from her chair.

"I'm not sure, Molly. I don't know if I can take this. I don't even know if I will succeed one day. I'm tired. If you don't mind, I'm going to bed now."

"All right. Ginny's room is free."

"Thank you. Good night, Molly."

Molly stared at Tonks' parting silhouette long after she climbed the stairs. Her heart worried at this new state of depression. Resignation was no good sign. Hopefully Remus would come around sooner than she expected him to.


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

**Where did the time go?**

Weeks passed without anything of importance happening. Tonks was highly bored in Hogsmeade and tried to distract herself by the means of reading. She had given up on romance novels, now trying on thrillers. At least there were no sappy scenes, everything was about blood, murder and inexplicable phenomenons. The stories weren't really her taste, but it was better than nothing at all. Or imagining the werewolves ripping Remus apart. So she shut herself up in her room whenever she wasn't on duty. Now and then she visited Aberforth in the Hogshead. Or Giovanni would come over or she wrote a letter to Molly because she couldn't face her right now. Nothing mattered any more and as much as Tonks wanted herself to finally care about something again, she couldn't help it. Something was missing and whatever it was made her environment so utterly uninteresting that there was no way she could feel anything. She led her life but at the same time she wasn't really alive. She felt like a zombie, just existing and envying those around her who were still able to feel and breathe. Sometimes when she lay awake in her bed, she thought about suicide. And why not? She didn't feel useful at all. Her mother still refused to talk to her, although her father sent a letter from time to time to reassure her that she would accept it sooner or later. There was a definite tendency to later. All she did was making her friends worry and bore herself to death in a tiny village with nothing to do. Tonks would have appreciated the arrival of Death Eaters in Hogsmeade just to have some action. But nothing ever happened, everything stayed peaceful and calm. The streets were deserted, looking as depressing as Tonks felt.

November came and Tonks wondered where the time had gone to. The people around her started to ponder about Christmas presents and family visits and decoration. Tonks felt so far away from them as if she would live on Mars and watch it all through a telescope. The feeling of isolation grew stronger with every passing day. The more the others cheered up, the more Tonks became depressed. Finally the streets were filled with life again, there was laughing and joy in the air. Tonks wanted it to be over. She couldn't bring herself to feel the same way because there still was that missing part of her which didn't let her enjoy the festival mood. She had thought she wanted the life back on those streets, but now that it was there she missed the emptiness and the lonely sounds of her steps echoing from the walls and closed doors. The kissing, happy couples outside that walked the alleys laughing, forgetting about the impending war, made her sick. Not because she begrudged them their luck, but for not being one of them. She wanted to celebrate Christmas with Remus. This Christmas, next Christmas, birthdays, anything. She wanted him at her side, now more than ever. She could imagine him shaking his head with an amused grin on his face when she stopped at every shop window on a winter's walk. Even sitting in front of a fire place couldn't chase the cold she felt whenever she thought about how much warmer and cosier it would be with him sitting next to her.

Finally, December arrived and things got more hectic. People desperately tried to find the perfect Christmas present and nearly stormed into the stores. Every thought of Voldemort and Death Eaters or security was chased out of their heads by the way more frightening idea of aunt Emma not liking her gift. Tonks shook her head as she looked out of the window and shut herself up in her room once more. Grabbing another thriller she made herself comfortable on the couch and prepared herself for a cruel murder. That's what she needed now, not the cheering atmosphere or the hectic outside, but a nice afternoon with some maniac serial killer. Just as she was about to drift into a peaceful slumber next to the friendly fire, a knock at the door woke her up. Cursing, Tonks rose from the couch and stumbled to whoever was bold enough to knock at her door at this time of the day. To her utmost surprise, it turned out to be Molly.

"Molly? What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to talk to you. Am I disturbing you?"

"No, of course not. It's just... Well, you've never been here before."

"Usually I don't have the time and it's a bit risky as well, but I have some news for you. So I decided to come over, not knowing when you would visit me the next time."

"I'm sorry, Molly. I know I should come over more often, but I don't have the time and I don't want to bother you..."

"Really, Tonks, stop it. You're a poor liar. I know that you're not coming because you don't want to face me. I raised seven children, don't think I'm dumb."

"I'd never call you dumb, Molly. It's just a little hard on me and I know you just want my best. But I really don't want to talk about it any more. It's not going to change anything."

"Maybe it is. Because that's exactly what my news are about."

"What?"

"Well, if you would ask me to come in and sit down I could explain it to you."

"Oh, sorry, Molly. I didn't want to be impolite. Come in."

She stepped back to let the older witch enter the room. A few minutes later, they sat on the couch together, each with a cup of tea – for once prepared by Tonks, not by Molly – in their hands.

"So, now tell me. What is so important that you couldn't wait to write a letter to tell me? And how shall it change things between me and Remus?"

"Well, I'm not sure about the changing part. But guess who will stay at the Burrow over Christmas."

"Remus?"

"Exactly. I thought you could come over as well and then the two of you could talk things out..."

"No, Molly. There's no sense in that. I tried to talk things out with him but either he's running away without answering or his answers stay the same. He won't change his mind just because it's Christmas, Molly."

"I didn't expect him to. But maybe he does because he hasn't seen you in quite a long time."

"You're forgetting who he spent that time with. He lived amongst the ferals, Molly. If he's convinced that he's a monster in normal circumstances, what do you think is going on in his head right now?"

"I thought about that but maybe it did the total opposite..."

"I really appreciate your optimism, Molly, but I highly doubt it. Remus will never change his mind about this. And I don't want to confront him right now. You don't know what this is doing to me."

Tonks pointed out of the window. Molly followed her gaze and sighed.

"I know, Tonks. But things won't get better if you shut yourself up in your room, pretending that nothing is happening. You weren't on the full moon missions, you didn't even attend the meetings!"

"I'm really sorry about that, but I can't! I can't bear hearing you talk about it. What if one of the wolves you injured was Remus? What if Remus injured one of you? I don't want to feed my imagination."

"Believe me, I know what you're feeling. I still remember that snake attack..."

A shudder ran through Molly's body. Tonks felt sorry for reminding her of it, so she put an arm around her shoulders and squeezed gently.

"Thank you, Tonks. But I really think it a good idea for you to come over at Christmas."

"I don't want to chase him out of the Burrow. He has nowhere else to go right now and I bet you now he'll take flight as soon as he sees me. I'm pretty sure you didn't tell him that I would be there."

"No, I didn't. He probably thinks you're going to spend the holidays with your family."

"Maybe I will do that."

She smiled at Molly. Of course Tonks wouldn't spend Christmas at home. Her mother was still mad at her for loving a werewolf who didn't even want to be with her and she wasn't in a festive mood. She would spend Christmas alone in her room, reading and waiting for it to be over. She wouldn't force her lugubrious presence on the cheerful Weasleys. Tonks saw suspicion rise in Molly's glance, but she didn't say anything.

"Goodbye then, Tonks. I still hope to see you at Christmas."

"I'll write you a card. Goodbye, Molly."

And with that, she was alone again.

XxxxxxxxxX

Remus sat as far away from the rest of the pack as he could without attracting unwanted attention. He thought about Molly's invitation. Somehow he had managed to escape from the colony twice since his first meeting with Dumbledore. The order had managed to prevent several minor attacks. The more important ones had worked, though. The thought of the helpless children who had been bitten and the several bodies that had been found after the last full moons sent shudders down his spine. He did his best, but it simply wasn't enough. At least escaping with the information was easier now. Although they still followed him, no one paid much attention to the outlaws. Mostly because they were involved in so many fights with the higher werewolves that their injuries made it impossible to get too far away. No one knew of his secret stock of healing potions. He saved them for the occasions of flight and on their last meeting Dumbledore had handed him another bag of bottles, along with a letter from Molly. She had invited him to the Burrow for Christmas. It wouldn't be too difficult to disappear for a few days, as many werewolves did so around Christmas, especially those who had spent some time in the wizarding world before going underground. Some of them visited their families. Of course they didn't enter the houses, they just observed them through their windows, checking if they were still all right. No matter how hard Greyback preached hatred for those who had turned them down after becoming a werewolf, only the minor part would consider attacking their wives or children. Remus could understand them. He couldn't hate Tonks, even if she would have hated him for being a werewolf. But she didn't. Remus sincerely hoped that she wouldn't be at the Burrow. He didn't want to have to refuse her all the time when he really wanted to tell her he loved her. Sighing, he rose from the floor and made his way back to the other outlaws. It was better to listen to their horrible plans than to continue his last train of thought.

XxxxxxxxxX

It was hard to tell when it was Christmas in the colony. The major part of the werewolves didn't care for holidays or festivities and Remus couldn't risk to contact those who cared. Being seen with the ones that still had a connection to the wizarding world would rise their suspicions and he really couldn't afford that. Disappearing during Christmas was risky enough for his disguise. But Remus was sure Dumbledore had known what the letter was about and as he hadn't disapproved, he saw no reason to refuse the invitation. Spending Christmas among human beings who weren't partially monsters would surely rise his spirits. The only thing he wasn't sure about was whether he should pray for Tonks to be there or hope that she wouldn't.

Finally it was time for his flight. Remus had been able to get his hands on a few newspapers to learn the exact date. Today it was the 24th of December, about time to go to Molly. In fact it wasn't all too difficult. He just waited for some of the other werewolves to disappear first, then followed them carefully. The rows of the pack missed enough members for him not to be conspicuous.

Disapparating was far more complicated. He hadn't apparated for quite a long time now and he had to get used to it first. After some tries that went quite wrong – he even made an involuntary visit to the South of Wales and splinched himself twice – he finally stood in front of the Burrow. The house always looked inviting, but seeing it after months of deprivation in a colony where everyone slept on the bare floor was almost more than Remus could take. The relief of at last being somewhere he was welcomed brought him on the edge of tears. Smiling, he shook his head. What a few months could make of a man! He nearly cried at the sight of Molly's house, just because there was no pack to follow him around, threatening to kill him any minute. Instead there was a warm and comfortable bed waiting for him and the sympathy and cooking of Molly. So he pulled himself together and knocked on the door.

"Who is there?"

"It's me, Remus."

"Oh, Remus, dear. Wait a minute, I need a safety question... What did I cook on my first day at headquarters?"

"As if I could forget that! Pumpkin pie and chocolate cake!"

"Come in, then!"

The door opened and the radiant smile of Molly Weasley appeared in front of him. It was good to be back.

"Remus, dear, you look horrible. Take a bath, I'll fetch you some of my chocolate cake in the meantime!"

Smiling, Remus climbed the stairs to the bathroom. A bath was indeed becoming due. There weren't many opportunities for hygiene in the colony. He had waited impatiently for the day he could take a good shower or a bath again. As he rubbed the dirt and blood of weeks and months off his body, he almost felt like a civilized person again. A knock on the door woke him out of his reverie.

"Remus? It's me, Arthur. Molly asked me to bring you some clean clothes, seeing that yours are quite torn at the moment."

"Thank you, Arthur. Come in."

The latter obeyed and entered the room with a worn pair of jeans and a shirt. Remus looked at them enquiringly.

"Just some old things of mine. They don't fit too good any more, if you want to you can keep them."

"Thanks, Arthur. I don't know what I'd do without you and Molly. It feels good to be back to civilization."

"I'd think so. Molly wants me to tell you that you don't have to worry, Tonks won't be here. She refused the invitation."

"Did she know...?"

"I think so. I guess that's the reason she stayed away."

When he saw the pained expression on Remus' face, he quickly added: "It's not your fault. She has a family of her own, after all. Maybe she wants to spend Christmas with them."

Remus remembered the way she had looked when he had met her in Hosgmeade months ago. It seemed very unlikely for her to spend Christmas with anyone. But maybe things had changed during his stay at the colony. So he decided to believe Arthur's words and pretend that she was at her parents' and not spending Christmas alone because of him.

"Yeah, probably. I heard something about chocolate cake?"

"It's waiting for you downstairs. Molly made it especially for you when she heard that you were accepting her invitation. I think she's planning on cramming you until you have to leave again."

"Isn't that what she's doing with everyone?"

"More or less. I bet Harry has at least six pounds more by now."

"How do you stay so thin with such a cook in the family?"

"Good genes, I'd say. We won't die of starvation, but Molly is not that generous when we don't have guests. She's just convinced that the others don't eat enough when they're not here. And at least for you that's right, isn't it?"

"Well, you don't have the choice in the colony. I'm at the lowest end of the hierarchy so I just get what the others don't eat. And they're not leaving much."

"Did you have any success with convincing them?"

"None at all. They're not listening to me. They don't trust me because I lived in the wizarding world for too long. At least I can stop some of their plans, even though I don't get to hear about the most important ones."

"We were able to protect quite a few people, especially children, those past full moons. You're not staying there in vain, Remus."

"I know. But it's still hard to see the bodies of those we couldn't protect the next morning..."

The sight of them had only consolidated his resolution to stay away from Tonks. If he were with her she could be one of the bodies that were found in the streets after full moon. No one should know about their connection, otherwise her life would be seriously endangered. He couldn't take that thought.

"You're doing you're best, Remus. But you don't have to protect everyone."

Arthur's eyes showed that he knew what Remus had been thinking about. Of course they were all on Tonks' side. If someone believed in the power of love, it was Molly and Arthur. But they couldn't understand what he was going through. No one in their right mind would burden the person they loved with such a life as his.

"If they can't or won't protect themselves, I have to."

"Tonks doesn't need to be protected. She can take care of herself. You don't have to think for her."

"Arthur, please. Not now. I just arrived. Couldn't we talk about that later?"

"I'm sorry, Remus. I don't want to press you, but Molly doesn't have my scruples. She's a bit mad at you for what you're doing to Tonks. She won't stay calm, Christmas or not Christmas. I just wanted you to know."

With that, he left Remus alone with his thoughts.


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

**Home**

The days passed quickly. Remus enjoyed spending time with the Weasleys and Harry. He hadn't spoken to the boy since the day at the station. Now that they had had the time to talk he noticed how much he had missed the familiar face. Sometimes he caught himself comparing Harry to his father, but he always stopped himself before he became to caught-up in the thought. He didn't want to end up like Sirius who had had problems to distinguish the boy from his deceased best friend.

But although he resided in the comfortable Burrow, far from the danger and distress of the colony, in the middle of his friends, some things disturbed this well-being. For example the occasionally threatening glance of Molly Weasley. She shot him one from time to time and Remus could imagine what she wanted to say: Don't feel too comfortable in here, I'll talk to you later. And he knew what this conversation would be about. That glance invariably made him swallow hard, praying that the day she would put that menace into action would yet have to come. Arthur's pitying looks didn't help that much, either. But the two things that troubled him the most he heard on Christmas. At breakfast, to be exact.

First, Fleur slagged Tonks, what led Molly to the conclusion that it was about time to remind Remus that Tonks was most probably staying at home all alone due to his actions earlier in the year. Second, the mention of Tonks made Harry recall a question about a certain Patronus. Remus' heart nearly stopped when the boy told him what Severus had said. Her Patronus had changed. It was weak. And it was big and had four legs. It wasn't hard to add two and two together: Tonks' Patronus had changed into _him. _Remus had difficulties staying composed. The words rang in his ears when he managed to answer Harry's question. He was almost relieved when Scrimgeour came in to distract Harry from further investigation. Of course he wasn't overjoyed that the minister tried to manipulate the boy, but he knew that his best friend's son wasn't easy to influence. He had his own head and wouldn't want to become a marionette for the ministry. Not after their actions of last year. After the boy had returned, they finished their breakfast. Remus tried to get his mind off the topic of Tonks and her Patronus, but failed miserably. So as soon as he left the table, he occupied himself with a book he had received for Christmas. That wasn't working, either. Remus decided on a good walk in the cold December air. The wind would surely erase his musings.

Alone in the white fields that surrounded the Burrow, Remus had to accept that even the freezing cold and the harsh wind couldn't distract his mind. He shivered constantly while walking aimlessly through the winter's landscape, his thoughts resting on the one thing that mattered the most. Sadness spread in him when he imagined her all alone in her flat in Hogsmeade. It was Christmas after all, a holiday Remus had always appreciated, especially at school. Even during his years of loneliness between the Potter's death and Dumbledore's offer to teach at Hogwarts he had managed to find the strength to decorate whatever gloomy and diminutive place he had lived in right then. He had smiled for their sake, remembering all those wonderful Christmas days he had spent with the Marauders at Hogwarts. To Sirius it hadn't been a sacrifice to stay away from his awful family another few weeks and sometimes they had all stayed in school to celebrate together. He would never forget the sight of the castle on Christmas. And now his beloved couldn't enjoy that most beautiful time of the year because of him. Wasn't love supposed to make every day happier, especially those which were already festive? But probably that just referred to the couples, not the ones that did love each other but couldn't be together. Sighing, he recalled Harry's words. Her Patronus had changed. Into a wolf. Into him. He had messed up her soul. The last thing he had wanted to do. Remus had thought it a schoolgirl crush, a minor thing that would vanish with his rejection. That she would be able to find someone else soon enough, letting him stand aside and watch her happiness for the rest of his life. And he would have been content to do so. If he only knew she was all right he would be happy as well. But she wasn't. Tonks refused to choose someone else and let him stand aside. She didn't hide her misery. And it made him feel horrible to know that he could change that.

Suddenly, something caught his attention. He was standing in front of a wood, quite far from the Weasley's house. The metres had passed without him noticing it. His gaze wandered back to the wood. It looked amazing in its white resplendence. The sun was coming up behind the tree tops, no longer hidden behind the clouds. Its light turned the dark wood with the white cover into a colourful prism. The reflections danced on top of the layers of snow, bathing the whole landscape into a surrealistic beauty. Remus wasn't able to tear his eyes from the sight. How could something so calm and gloomy become so full of life and light in a matter of mere seconds? Just a few rays of sunlight had turned a beautiful sight into exceptional gorgeousness. It was then that the first snowflakes started to fall. Within moments the clouds covered the sun again and a real snow flurry rose. The sparkling wood was no longer visible. Raising his hand to his eyes, Remus had problems seeing it amidst the wall of snow that came down on him. Hesitantly, he turned away from the mysteriously beautiful place and made his way back to the Burrow. Or better said he walked in the direction of the Burrow, for he couldn't make it out any more. So he slowly took step after step, waiting for it to take shape in front of him. In the meantime, his thoughts wandered back to their previous topic. The wonderful, stunning sight he had been able to observe reminded him of another moment of revelation more than a year ago. The most endearing, gorgeous sight, sparkling with life, so much more beautiful than anything else he would ever get to see, so much more colourful than the reflecting snow could ever be. His Tonks. The fragile, black-haired goddess with the glowing blue eyes in all her natural loveliness, the woman with the most sparkling and wonderful colours there were in this world. The one woman that chose to dedicate that beauty to him, not caring that he was thirteen years older and poor and a dangerous werewolf with an even more dangerous mission. He had taken away her colours, her sparkle. But she still owned part of her beauty and strong will. Nymphadora Tonks was still the most endearing person in the world, at least in Remus' opinion. And he didn't want to take that from her as well. He stopped walking, a resolution much stronger than he had expected himself able to feel building up. Determined, he took a deep breath and apparated.

XxxxxxxxxX

Once more, Tonks sat on her couch, reading a thriller next to the fire. There was no need to close the curtains today, the streets were deserted. Everyone was at home, celebrating Christmas with his loved ones. After the rush caused by the need to purchase the perfect gift had waned, people had time to think about safety again. Tonks didn't mind the silence outside. She didn't want to her the laughs and cheerful voices. She wanted to learn how Mr Murray had been murdered. In detail. And by who, of course. The police's current trace was wrong anyway for she was just at the beginning and there were still three hundred pages left. The main point was that she didn't have to think about Christmas as long as she pretended to be interested in Mr Murray's death. She couldn't even recall what presents she had sent to her parents or her friends. Or if she had sent Charlie's present in time so that it would arrive on Christmas day. Nothing mattered any more, everything was done automatically. Tonks didn't think about her actions any more, pondering made her think of Remus. So she just cogitated about the most necessary things. Christmas presents or her duty weren't that important. She just chose something and trusted her instincts. She came through the day this way, so she concluded that it wasn't the worst thing to do. Tonks just started to fall asleep when someone knocked at her door. Slowly, she rose from her comfortable position on the couch and trudged to the door. It took her a while to recognize the person in front of her through her bleary eyes.

"Remus?"

Shock settled in. Was he really standing in front of her door or was she hallucinating?

"Tonks."

He smiled at her. She frowned.

"What makes you come here? Is there someone behind you, threatening you with a wand or has Molly hexed you?"

"I came here myself. No one forced me."

Tonks looked sceptical, but she opened the door a little wider and stepped aside nonetheless.

"Come in."

Remus quickly entered the room before he could decide elsewise. He already felt the doubts tugging on the brim of his concious. Tonks led him into the living room.

"Sit down."

She pointed at the couch. There was no other seat in the room besides the bed. Several blankets were still laying there, entangled in each other. She must have been asleep or at least very close to it when he had knocked.

"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you."

"No big deal. I wasn't really asleep anyway."

He smiled at her hesitantly and sat down on the couch, carefully folding the blankets.

"You don't have to do that, Remus. They'll look like that again in a matter of minutes."

Remus' heart missed a beat. He knew Tonks hadn't meant it that way and hadn't expected him to think of it, but he immediately imagined them entangling these sheets by other means than sleep.

"Well, I suppose it's more comfortable this way."

She smiled at him and sat down as well.

"So, what brings you here?"

Remus didn't know what to say. She was so close. He could smell her. She hadn't cared to wear perfume, but then she never had. He couldn't see a single decoration in the room, but still he associated that smell with Christmas. Probably cinnamon or something along the lines. The resolution he had felt in the middle of that snow flurry was getting weaker by the minute, attacked by the doubts of his reason.

"I... I wanted to see you. Molly mentioned that you were here and..."

"In other words, she told you that I'm spending Christmas on my own and you felt sorry for me."

"I didn't come her because I feel sorry for you, Tonks."

"Why then? Why are you here, Remus? Stop beating around the bush."

"I already told you. I wanted to see you."

"You saw me at the door. You could have wished me a Merry Christmas and disappear right then, but you chose to come inside. Explain it to me, Remus."

"I can't."

"Why not? There's nothing you can't tell me, Remus. I may be in love with you and you may think that we can't be together, but I still can be a friend. Please. If you won't let me be anything else, I at least want to do that much for you."

"Tonks..."

"No. Come on. You wouldn't do me an amicable favour if I asked for it?"

"Of course I would."

"You see. So now, tell me. What brings you here?"

"It's not an amicable favour if I ask you to discuss how much I need you."

Tonks fell silent and just stared at him. Remus knew she was staring at him, although he didn't dare to look up from the floor. Finally, he couldn't take the silence any longer. When their eyes met, he saw the strongest resolution anyone had ever shown him in his whole life. He thought even James' gaze had been less determined when he had announced to go into hiding to protect his family. Tonks was waiting for him now and she would do so for the rest of his life if it was necessary. She didn't press him any more. She just sat there, staring at him and waiting for him to do the first step. Somehow Remus felt even more tempted to give in to his desires then when she had pleaded with him. It seemed to be a new strategy of hers and it worked out perfectly. The next thing he knew was that his lips were pressed to hers and that she was pulling him down on the couch with her. His hands were underneath her shirt, her legs wrapped around his hips. Her hands dug into his hair and pulled him even closer. His mouth left hers only to continue kissing down her neck until she moaned softly. Remus felt his whole body glowing in anticipation for what was natural to come and his mind was drowning in the euphoria caused by the sensation of finally having Tonks in his arms. He just acted on instinct, led by the soft moans and sharp intakes of breath. His hands changed their course and slowly glided down her curves. He played with the button of her jeans. He felt her nails scratching his back, encouraging him to stop the teasing. Her shirt was already pushed up to her waist and he could feel the goosebumps on her skin. She was shivering slightly. The soft vibration against his body made him want her even more. He wanted to take his own clothes off and warm her as best as he could. Slowly, he pressed himself even closer against her, waiting for her eyes to open for him and give him the approval he still felt was needed. When they did, he felt the warmest, loveliest gaze on him. He felt safe and secure, really at home for the first time in his life. Accepted as he was. He smiled at her and bent down to kiss her, knowing she would understand, when the image hit him. The dream that had hunted him since the first night he had had to endure it. He knew that warm gaze. Usually it was the last he saw of Tonks before he was ripping her apart.

He sprung up as hastily as he could, pulling his hands away as fast as if he had touched a hot plate.

"Remus?"

She looked at him incredulously. He couldn't do that right now. Not again.

"No, Tonks. This is wrong. I shouldn't have come. I'll leave."

He stumbled in the direction of the door.

"No! Remus, wait! What happened? I thought..."

He knew what she had thought. He had thought it himself. But happiness wasn't for him.

"We can't be, Tonks. I should have left earlier. I'm sorry."

"Don't. Don't say that. Please, stay. Everything is all right."

"No. Nothing is all right. I've done a mistake. I can't stay. Goodbye, Tonks."

"Remus!"

He didn't hear her. He had already left the flat and apparated back to the Burrow.


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27**

**Help**

The next morning, Tonks awoke to a feeling of misery till then unknown to her. She had thought that she had been miserable before, but Remus' visit the previous day had worsened her state. She waited for the tears to finally run down her cheeks, but nothing happened. It seemed she had shed all of them over the last months. Carefully, Tonks sat up in her bed. Immediately, her gaze wandered to the coach. The sheets had landed on the floor in the course of their actions. She still remembered every touch, every gaze and every moan. Her body was still in flames wherever Remus had touched it. Her soul trembled in anticipation for something that would never occur. Disappointment took over. Inhaling deeply, Tonks closed her eyes and waited for the wave of pain to disappear. It always did, when she waited long enough. Shame it never took the longing and loneliness with it. After a few minutes, she felt she could stand up. Ever so slowly she rose from her bed and made her way to the bathroom. Looking out of the window on her way back to the living room, she decided that there were four things she absolutely needed to do today.

First: Visiting Giovanni and Robert, report to them what had happened and cry the pain and sadness out while looking a horribly sappy film.

Second: Visiting her grandparents' grave, which she hadn't done for too long a time to consider it proper.

Third: Visiting her parents, no matter what her mother might have to say or not. She needed her parents' support in this situation as much as she needed that of her deceased grandparents.

Fourth: She would write a letter to Charlie and at last tell him what was going on in her life since she entered the Order of the Phoenix and met Remus Lupin.

Determined, she tidied up the room and fixed herself a quick breakfast. There was no need to hurry, but she wanted all of it to be done until the end of this day.

Standing in front of her best friend's front door, she asked herself whether she was doing the right thing. She didn't want to burden Giovanni with her problems or ruin a perfectly happy morning with his lover. On the other side, he had been positively insulted when she hadn't told him everything that was in her head and heart, so she figured it was better this way. Taking another deep breath, she finally knocked. In a matter of seconds the door was opened and revealed a quite dozy-looking Giovanni.

"Nymphie? What are you doing here? What is the matter?"

"It's important. You said that you wanted me to come over when I needed you."

"Of course you shall come over. Now, in here with you. I'll call for Robert. Or don't you want him to be there?"

"Please, call him. By now, he's as much a friend as you. Well, not entirely, but you know what I mean."

"Certainly. He's the voice of reason, after all."

"I'm not sure reason is what I want. It's what got me all those problems in the first place. But I think Robert's sensible enough to know what to say, anyway."

"There I have to agree. Such an old wiseacre."

Giovanni winked at her and left the room to find his lover. Tonks made herself comfortable on the coach and waited for them to arrive.

"So now, here we are. What is it, Nymphie?"

"Well, it's Remus."

"I guessed so. What happened?"

"He came to visit me yesterday. It's... It's hard to tell for me, but... Merlin, we were so close. I thought he had finally given up his stupid excuses. It felt so perfect. And then, all of a sudden, he jumped up and ran for his life again. I thought everything would turn out all right and he had to choose this exact moment to leave again. Why? What did I do wrong? I even begged him to wait! Goodness, I'm such a miserable idiot."

Finally, the tears returned and freely flowed down her cheeks. Tonks made not attempt to held them back. After all, they gave her a sort of relief.

"Nymphie, you're not an idiot for believing that everything could turn out right. Maybe it will, one of theses days. I can't really imagine you begging, but that's another thing. He will have his reasons for running as he did. Although I might say that I hope he won't cross my way before he comes back to his senses, for I wouldn't be too amiable with him."

"Gio!"

"Oh, come on, Rob. He's playing with my best friend! No matter what makes him do it, I simply can't allow it. It's not my fault that you're a bloody pacifist, Mr Gandhi!"

"That's not what I wanted to say. And I'm certainly not comparable to Gandhi. But I suppose it wouldn't help Tonks if you beat up her beloved. As far as I understood, life has been hard enough on him. He will have his reasons, as you said yourself. And I can't deny that I can comprehend him to a certain degree."

"What? Are you kidding me? What's good about what he is doing?"

"I agree that the results are anything but positive for anyone, I've just meant that I can comprehend his way of thinking. He's been treated as an unworthy creature for almost all of his life. Sooner or later, such treatment rubs off on your self-concept. Everyone thinks him a monster, so he beholds himself as one. If you thought yourself a monster, wouldn't you want to protect the ones you love the most from yourself? Moreover, he sees the real danger of his kind every day, trapped in that horrible colony, together with the worst fear of his childhood. He lost almost everyone he has ever loved or trusted. Such things can do a lot to a man. Not to forget that he's thirteen years older than her and very much the opposite of Tonks' character, judging by what she had told us. It's not easy to overlook such differences."

He shot a pained look at Giovanni.

"Oh, not again! You're seeing what it does to her to live on the prejudice of others and you're really starting that argument again! It doesn't matter that you're a few years older than me or not exactly my character. I don't need someone who's like me. I'm quite sure that someone would drive me crazy. One spontaneous git in the house is more than enough. I wouldn't want to live with myself for more than an hour."

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to start it again, but it's not as easy as it seems. Not everyone would be ready to devote themselves so much."

"But I'm not everyone. Neither is Nymphie. That's the problem with you reasonable lot! You're always thinking too much, especially what others might to do or not do. It's not important what Joe Miller would do or expect, I'm Giovanni and I expect you to be exactly the person you are and no one else. I love you and I sincerely hope you love me and not someone else. Because someone else may care, but I don't. Stop thinking in general terms and handle the reality of your situation!"

A quiet laugh escaped Tonks in between her sobs. It implied a certain irony to hear her best friend and his lover having the same argument as Remus and her. But unless like her own situation she was quite sure that Giovanni would win in the end.

"All right. I swear I won't dare to think in general terms ever again, okay?"

"Accepted. I want this promise to be applied to our relationship in particular. If you philosophise about the bad influence of fast food on people's health, you can think in general terms if it pleases you. But not concerning you and me. Because I think myself rather unconventional and I would be deeply insulted to be beheld as ordinary."

Robert couldn't help but smile and Tonks grinned amidst her tears.

"Now to you. Why are you crying and grinning at the same time? I never figured how this works."

"Because you're a ridiculous git and the best friend one could wish for."

"Oh. And I thought it was because you're awfully depressed because of the stupid stubborn werewolf you fell in love with but couldn't resist my superior humour. Seems I'm not as funny as I thought."

She playfully punched him in the side and leaned back in the coach. Slowly, she turned to Robert.

"Are you sure? I mean, he has such good friends. How can he think so low of himself when everyone else cherishes the person he is? At least the ones that are worth being considered."

"Not everyone can separate that easily between the judgement of the people who matter and that of those who don't. It's not easy to tell who to trust for the 'reasonable lot'. We're taking everybody's opinion in consideration."

"And that's the fault. I mean, who besides himself and me should have the right to be considered in this affair? It's about our love, and not about Umbridge's maniac fear of half-creatures."

"I know. But think about it. The majority of society is against him as soon as they know what he is, not caring for the person behind. The law is making his life hard, he can't even work, as much as he would like to. It would influence your life as well, should you be with him. Were you in his place, would you want him to have to lead the same life? Knowing that without you in his life, nobody would hate him for existing or shun him?"

"Of course I wouldn't want to do this to him. But he has to see that what he's doing now is even worse! I can't live without him! And there are more than enough people who hate me for merely existing. You would be surprised at how many wizards and witches are afraid of Metamorphmagi! Just because we can do with our mere will what others can barely achieve with wands and potions. My opinion is feared in the ministry, Umbridge would love to have me killed. And I figure Scrimgeour's not really attached to it as well. It's not like I can't imagine what he's going through."

"But what he has to suffer is of a whole different dimension. It's not easy for him to risk dragging you down on the same level. You could lose your job for being with him, something you have worked for all your life."

"My job is less important than my love! I can do something else if I have to. But I can't find someone else to love like I love Remus. It would be a poor replacement, if it'd be one at all. I waited for him all of my life and if he forces me to do so, I'll wait for him for the rest of it. Being an Auror is no longer what it was, Robert. The ministry is nothing but a bunch of hypocrites, now more than ever. I can't support their point of view any longer. The only reason I'm still at the ministry is that I want to help. I'm useful for the order and I can change something at least, though it's not much. My only hope is that their behaviour changes when we defeat Voldemort. Otherwise I won't keep the job either way."

"How can you be so sure, Tonks? You're still young. How can you be sure that there will be no one else? How can you be sure that you'll survive this war or that you'll win?"

"I don't know it for sure. No one knows what the future brings. But if we don't win, there will be no ministry and no Aurors. The world won't be worth living in if it comes to that. And maybe you're right and I can't know that my feelings for Remus will never change. But I feel it. My reason can't be sure of it and can't explain it, but my heart and soul are convinced. What should I be searching for when I'm perfectly whole with him? Is there an enhancement of whole?"

"Most certainly not. I have to admit, you have outweighed my arguments in this case. Looks like I have to believe in eternal love, for I can't prove the opposite."

Robert smiled at her and turned to Giovanni, sharing a gaze with him that was so full of love and content that Tonks had to look away. She had shed enough tears for now.

"See, Nymphie? You won the argument against Rob, you probably will win that against your Remus. True love conquers all, in the end. If you're right, he'll give in one day and if he doesn't, we'll find someone else for you. In the worst case you'll have to be content with your friends. Though I think we're not the worst catch."

Tonks offered him a grateful smile.

"That's what I wanted to see. So now, _Casablanca _or _Titanic_?"

XxxxxxxxxX

The freezing wind was under her coat and chilled her to the bones. But she hardly noticed it, still carrying the warmth and compassion of her friends with her. Some bottles of butterbeer, a good cry and several bars of chocolate didn't contradict that feeling, either.

Of course she could have directly apparated, seeing that this was a Muggle place. But it seemed disrespectful to just appear on a graveyard. Besides she couldn't know if there wasn't a Muggle visiting his deceased love ones. So she apparated a few minutes' walk away from the place she longed to see and went down the road. It wasn't really a road, more a small path in between the emerald hills of Ireland. Though at this time of the year, they weren't emerald, but white. When the familiar gates came in sight, Tonks' heart started beating faster. It had been a long time since she had found the strength to enter this place. Many years had passed since that night she had lost two of the people dearest to her, but still she felt that loss whenever she thought about them.

The gate opened with a shriek and a harsh wind welcomed her on this place of the dead. The black locks flew in her face, blocking her view. She had decided to come to her grandparents' grave in her natural state, something she rarely did. Upon seeing her reflection in the mirror, the tears had sprung to her eyes again, this time not only for her grandmother's sake but for the memory of a certain night in the library of Grimmauld Place as well. Annoyed, she pushed them back behind her ears and made her way to the grave she searched. The snow seemed untouched, so nobody had been here this day. Hopefully she would stay alone for the rest of it, too.

Finally, she reached the place she had longed to see all morning. Heart racing, she knelt down in front of the tombstone.

"Hello", she whispered. "I'm sorry. I know I haven't been here for quite a long time. Be assured I missed you and thought of you nonetheless. I hope you know this, wherever you are now. I came here because I need your help. I don't want to appear selfish, but I couldn't help myself."

She drew a deep breath and continued, voice shaky and tears returning once more.

"There is something I need to tell you. Your little girl has fallen in love. I know, you always joked about your chary granddaughter, Grandpa, but I finally found someone. You would like him, I'm sure of it. He's just what you would have wished for me. Of course there is a rub in it. You know, he is a werewolf. But it didn't do anything to his personality. He's still the gentlest person in the world. And he's not dangerous at all, no matter what he might say. It's not easy. There is a war going on in the wizarding world and he's rejecting me because he thinks us being together would ruin my life. But I assure you that I don't care. I came here to ask for strength. I know you always believed in true love, you had it, after all. Please, help me, give me the strength to carry on until he comes to his senses, to stand tall in this war and to hold up my hope. I know this is what you would want me to do. And I promise that I'll try. But I could use some help from you. You don't know how much I miss you, Granny, Grandpa. I'll always love you and never forget you. You're in my heart and this is where I need you. Don't forget your little granddaughter up there. I love you."

Shaking with violent sobs, she rose from her position next to the grave. The names Maria and Seamus Tonks shone in the sparkling reflection of the snow.

XxxxxxxxxX

Tonks had settled a few minutes on a bench in a park nearby her parents' house. She needed this extra-time to dry her tears and gain her composure back. She was almost sure that the tears would return sooner or later, but she didn't want to start the conversation whilst sobbing. Her mother wouldn't approve to such behaviour. Not for the last time that day, Tonks took a deep breath. A brief thought of yoga crossed her mind, but it disappeared before she had a chance to laugh at the association. Yoga was the last thing the old Tonks would have deliberately practised, the sport being much too calm for her usual mercurial temper. But the person she had turned into by now even thought it possible. Why not? Concentrating on her own body could perhaps chase those thoughts of a certain someone out of her head.

Shaking her head at the unwished change of her personality, she eventually rose from the bench and followed the path to the house she had grown up in. It looked the same as always, white snow covering the otherwise red roof. Tonks still remembered her sixth birthday upon seeing it, when she had accidentally charmed all the bricks to a brilliant pink. Her father had laughed heartily and her mother had panicked, hoping that none of their Muggle neighbours had noticed the sudden change. She had calmed down after the problem had been solved and the bricks turned back to their usual shade. Afterwards it had become a constant joke in the family. Tonks highly doubted that she would hear it today, considering the situation she was in right now. Sighing, she gathered all her courage and knocked on the door, praying that her father would open it. After some seconds of silence, slow steps echoed in the corridor. They sounded much like Ted's.

"Who is there?"

Definitely her father's voice.

"It's me, Dora."

"Oh, Dora! What a surprise! What are you doing here?"

"Dad, the safety question!"

"Do I have to? I mean, what Death Eater would have reminded me of asking him a safety question?"

"Dad!"

"Okay, if you insist on it. What colour was your hair when you first met uncle Frank?"

"Lime green. On which occasion did I meet him for the first time?"

"Your eighth birthday. Now, come in."

Ted Tonks opened the door and grinned at his daughter. The grin vanished as soon as his gaze settled on her hair.

"Dora, what happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"Your hair!"

She pulled at one of her locks. They were still black.

"Oh! I forgot to change them back."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you change them like this in the first place? You're only doing this when you feel that you're having no other choice. What means that something happened. What is it?"

"Can I come inside before I explain? I'd like Mum to hear it as well."

"Are you sure?"

"It's time to end this dispute. I can't hide from my own mother until she thinks it proper to calm down. It's war and I don't want one of us to die without having spoken to each other."

"There you're probably right. Sit down, I'll get her."

With that, he climbed up the stairs to search his wife. Tonks turned to the living room and made herself comfortable in one of the chairs. After some awkward minutes, Ted and Andromeda appeared in the room. The latter didn't look too happy at seeing her daughter in such a state. She rather seemed disgusted at considering that she was doing that to herself.

"So, what brings you here, Nymphadora? Problems with your werewolf lover?"

"Mum! If you want to start the conversation like this, I'll better be going! I don't need your prejudice!"

"Well, it's obvious that it's legitimate."

"No, it's not! Remus is more than just a werewolf, he's a human being, too! And if he were my lover, I wouldn't have a problem and I most certainly wouldn't come to see you of all people!"

Her hair had turned a frightening shade of red.

"Nymphadora! How are you talking to me? I just want your best!"

"It's not for my best if you slag the person I love most! I want your support, not your prejudice and narrow-minded thinking!"

Andromeda looked taken aback by such words from her own child. Ted thought it about time to intervene.

"Calm down, the two of you. Dromeda, Dora is right. You should listen to her before you think bad of that man. You don't even know him! And Dora, please, have a little patience with your mother. I'm sure she'll see your point if you explain it to her in a friendlier manner."

Slowly, the two women sat down. Ted, looking much more at ease at their sitting position and Tonks' now once more black hair placed himself between them.

"Dora, tell us, what happened?"

"As Mum put it so lovingly, it's about Remus. We're having this argument for more than a year now. He won't see that I don't care that he's thirteen years older or a werewolf and in the consequence without work or money. He always turns me down because he thinks he's not good enough for me and that he would ruin my life if we were. I mean, I see his point, but it's just not important. I love him and I know that he loves me. Why should I care for what society thinks? It's about my luck and my life, not about that of the rest of the wizarding world. I'm here because I can't take having a quarrel with you as well. I need your support, not just in this but with the oncoming war as well. Please, Mum. Just put your prejudice aside and let me explain it to you. Let me explain why it's so important to me."

"I promise that I'll listen to you. And I'll try not to interrupt you. But I can't promise to understand you, Dora. I've been raised like this and I can't change everything about my upbringing. But perhaps you're able to convince me. But let you be told, I certainly won't like him, no matter what you say. Even if it's not because he's a werewolf, he's still hurting my little girl."

Tonks smiled at her. That was the most she would get, so she could just as well start now.

"He's gone through a lot. But being a werewolf hasn't turned him into the dark creature you are expecting. He's a true gentleman and he's caring for others more than for himself. He's very much the opposite of myself, always calm and composed, holding back his emotions instead of crying them out to everyone. I know it sounds cliché, but opposites attract. Remus is just what I need. I feel whole and safe when he's with me. And really, he's much too careful to be dangerous to me. He's always taking his Wolfsbane when he gets some and when not, he locks himself up so that he's hurting no one except for himself. If you knew him you would like him. He's having a heart of gold, really. I know that you're doubting it because of what he's doing to me, but he doesn't want to hurt me. He thinks he's doing the best for me, just as much as you think you're doing the right thing when you tell me to forget him. But I can't. Denying himself happiness when he deserves it after so many years of loneliness and being shunned by everyone is not the right thing. It can't be. He's making himself unhappy, just as much as me. I don't know what's in his mind. He visited me yesterday and I really thought he had gotten over his doubts, but he just ran, like he always does. I know he's not running from me but for me, but it feels like that. Before you get to think that you could change my mind, I'm not going to give up on him, no matter what your arguments might be. I just want your support in what I'm considering the right thing to do."

Silence filled the room. Tonks thought she had failed her aim and started to get up to leave the room, when her mother called her back.

"Wait, Dora. I know what you mean. I can't claim to fully understand you, but I think I can to some degree. It was the same for me when I met Ted. My family hated him for what he was, even though it was something he couldn't help. I rose above their prejudice and I found my better half in spite of their hatred and disesteem. I never regretted it, even if I had to break with my family. On the other side I never felt like one of them, but regardless of the difference in situation, I don't want you to break with me over it. I love you, Dora. You're my little daughter, no matter what happens. And I think you inherited that stubborn trait of fighting for your love in spite of all odds from me. You're just taking it in a different dimension. If you want to talk, you can always come back. I promise I won't slag your Remus again. Not when you're talking so highly of him."

"Thank you, Mum. That's what I needed to hear."

Mother and daughter smiled at each other and Tonks settled herself on the coach between her parents, leaning her head on her mother's shoulder, silently sobbing.

"Everything will turn out fine, Dora, my darling. You may not see it now, but it will. You're strong. I'm sure you'll get what you want. And I want you to know that I'm proud of you. For fighting for your conviction. For trying to make this world a better place. And for having the best heart I've ever seen. I'm so proud of you, Dora. I'm sorry for not respecting your choice. After all, I should have learned from my own parents that it's no good to mix in your children's love life."

Tonks choked out a quiet laugh and cuddled further into her mother's embrace. She had missed that feeling for far too long. Her father was caressing her back and for the first time in months, Tonks felt comfortable and safe. At home. Remus was still missing, her heart still ached for him to be there, but the consolation of her friends and family was enough for now.

XxxxxxxxxX

There was just one thing left to do. The letter to Charlie. Tonks sat at her desk, the sun slowly sinking. She knew she should turn on the light, but she didn't know what to write. She had spent the whole day being consoled by her loved ones, gathering the strength she needed to go on. She wanted Charlie's support as well, as much as he could give it to her from Rumania. At times she really missed his cheerful character, although she had a whole house of Weasleys to visit. Still thinking about what she should write, she started to scrawl on the parchment in front of her. When she looked down, she found that she had written one name over and over: Remus. Always with some little hearts next to it. Tonks smiled at herself. Looked like the teeny crush Remus thought it was. But Tonks knew better. Determined, she took the next sheet and started to write.

When she finished, she read through it again. Yes, she could definitely send it like that. Carefully, she fixed the letter on her owl's leg and watched it disappearing in the night sky. She spent some minutes like that, just gazing in the night, especially at the moon. Her thoughts wandered about touching almost every topic, never getting deeper or even under the surface. After a while, the air became too cool for her and she closed the window and he returned to her bed. It was one of the rare nights in which she fell asleep immediately and didn't woke up before the next morning.

In the meantime, the owl searched its way to Rumania, the latter safely at her leg.

_Dear Charlie,_

_I hope you know that I can't write you as openly as I would like to, in case someone else is getting this letter. I don't know how frequently you have been writing to your mother, if she had informed you about our situation here in England or not. So forgive me if I should mention something you already know. _

_As you already know, I'm in the order for more than a year by now. I didn't mention it in my previous letters, but I think now is the time to explain to you that there is something more behind this. I met someone. I can't mention names, as you very well know. I could try to find a nickname, but you know how bad I'm with nicknames. Remember the year I tried to call you Jaques? You nearly hexed me to the other end of the world. But it's not important what his name is. It's far more important that I've fallen in love. Yes, I'm not joking, Nymphie the freak has fallen in love. Hopelessly, I might add. The problem, although I know this man to be as much in love with me as I am with him, he doesn't want to be with me. He has a certain hairy condition which convinces him to be too dangerous to be with me. I know you'll probably laugh at this part because you know damn well how bloody dangerous _I _can be if I want to. If he knew, he probably would run even faster. His other arguments are that he's a few years older and poor. As if I cared for such things! Really, would you, after all those years we're friends by now, think me superficial? That I would rather care for money or age than for the deepness of my feelings? I hope not. Last but not least he mentions that his condition makes him shunned by society and that this would be my fate as well should we be together. Do you remember the way the Slytherins treated me back at Hogwarts? I think I can put up with this! But he doesn't believe me. He thinks me the fragile little Tonks that can't decide for herself. Much a difference to the frightening, bold Nymphie you know, hmm? But he doesn't know me as well as you do. Or Giovanni. _

_In case you're reacting like him, I'm sorry that I didn't write you earlier. I know that I have written, but I never mentioned what was most important for me. Sorry. I thought it a little difficult to explain in a letter, but I need your support right now. Things are getting more dangerous now and it's hard to hold up my hopes when I feel I'm drowning in misery. The worst thing is, I think his rejection turned me into the fragile girl he sees and wants to protect. My own strength is gone, that's why I need that of my friends and my family. Mum has finally gotten over her prejudice (at least partially) and Giovanni has been a great support so far. Has he told you of his new lover? I think this time, it's working out. For a change, it's not an ex-prisoner with a violent present as well as past. __Probably even future, for I know one of his ex-boyfriends to be in Azkaban right now. Again, I may add. _

_Sorry for the delayed truth,_

_Hoping to hear from you soon,_

_Nymphie _


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28**

**Confusion**

Swaying, Remus arrived on the same field from which he had apparated to Hogsmeade. His heart beat frantically and the battle inside of him raged like never before. For once, his brain and his heart where nearly of one opinion. Both screamed at him: 'What have you done?', though for different reasons. His mind scolded him for ever having apparated to her flat when he had sworn to himself to stay away from her, for her own sake. His heart begged him to go back and couldn't believe he had been able to pull away from her in such a manner in _that _situation. Merlin, she had even begged for him to stay! Who in their right mind would want someone to stay who had just pulled away from you in a moment of utmost intimacy?

Remus wanted to hit his head against a wall. Or anything else truly solid. He needed pain to clear his head, but out here was nothing but snow and the uncomfortable feeling of freezing to death. Why not just go back? Where it was warm and safe and where he felt so much at home. But on the other side, was that even an option? After what he had just done to both of them? Surely he deserved the price for being the greatest git on earth. But what else could he have done? There was no way he could have stayed with her with that horrible image hunting his mind. Nothing could have chased it away, in the contrary, the closer he came, the more tugged it at his consciousness.

But that was no excuse for getting so close to her in the first place. Why hadn't he listened to his own doubts and disapparated before she could open the door? Before he even had knocked? The whole situation was his fault and no one else's. Tonks wasn't to blame. She had never tried to hide her feelings from him and of course what had happened was the only reaction to be awaited at his own behaviour. Why hadn't he been able to stop himself? He had known he was being selfish all along. It had been in the back of his mind, reminding him constantly that he shouldn't be there, after all. Slowly, Remus sank down to the ground. The snow melted around him, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Maybe, if it was his intention to push her away for good, he had done a good job. How could she possibly forgive for what he had just done? For coming so close, filling both their hearts with hope, just to learn that he couldn't do it? That he couldn't tell his bloody mind to stop analysing everything and keep out of heart business? It was quite clear what would have happened if he hadn't seen this feared picture in his mind. He would have slept with her. He would have stayed, sending a message to Molly that for now, he had another place to sleep in which he just couldn't leave.

But sooner or later, he would have been forced to do so. His mission wasn't finished yet and he couldn't bring his conscience to agree on leaving innocent people in danger for his own happiness. He would have returned. But hadn't he pulled away now, he would have explained it to her and she would have understood. He knew it. He had seen it in that loving gaze when she had looked at him back on her coach, that she understood everything that was going on in his mind, better than anyone else. And that was the problem. She would be angry at him, of course, but her heart was too good not to forgive him this mistake. He simply knew that he could do whatever and she would forgive him. It didn't make him feel comfortable or warm, it scared him. She would take him back, no matter what. That was too great a temptation. And too great a responsibility. If she didn't set the limits herself, he would be the one to have them set. Tonks would welcome him in her life, even if he would attack her during a full moon. No physical or mental injury was strong enough to keep her from loving and forgiving. And for that he hated himself. This relationship would feel too much like using her. He couldn't do that to her. Because no matter what he would do and no matter what his conscience told him to make out of it, once he would have tasted what being with her was like, he wouldn't be able to help himself. He would have to come back to her, if it was dragging her deeper down to him or not. Even now the knowledge that he could go back, not without some sort of punishment or other, but that he could, almost drove him crazy. He wanted to undo his mistakes so badly. But he didn't know what his mistakes were. Had it been wrong to be with her that way or had it been wrong to destroy the moment? Was it wrong to let himself be happy and in love with Tonks or was it wrong to push her away and render them both unhappy? His head spun with questions and he had no answers. He just knew that he couldn't enter the Burrow right now.

Molly would kill him personally, if she knew. And he saw no way he could hide his feelings. He was too deep in his emotional upheaval, he couldn't pretend nothing had happened. And he needed someone to confide in, badly so. If it hadn't been for his stubbornness, he would have gone to Tonks. She was the one person he would trust with everything. But with his resolution renewed and the crime he had just committed in breaking her heart once more, unnecessarily, that was no option. Seeing that she was the origin of all the problems it would be far too easy to ask her to solve them. He knew her answer. Just give in, stop thinking, Remus. You're always thinking too much. Lay back and relax. Such would be her words. But giving in to temptation was not an option. The easy path was never the right path.

Who else could help him in all his confusion? As already mentioned, Molly wasn't to be attained by his crawling into her kitchen and begging for her to understand. She wouldn't. She would send him back to Tonks and he would do what he thought was a mistake. Or was it? It would make them both happy, in a time which made happiness a really rare good. Maybe it was the right thing to do and he just didn't know. Maybe he was the one that was wrong. He desperately needed some neutral advice. But where to get it from? Even if his friends weren't all either dead or traitors, Remus could predict there answers as well as those of Molly and Tonks. They would tell him to go back to her. But as much as he cherished their memory, he remembered clearly what it led to when you trusted in the judgement of Sirius Black and James Potter. Mostly it was to be equalled with chaos. But was chaos wrong? Perhaps it was what he needed. The shining hurricane that was Nymphadora Tonks in the middle of his boring life.

Too many thoughts crossed his many. He wasn't able to sort them all out by himself. There was no help in sight. Nowhere to go to except for where he had just come from. Remus was on the brink of apparating back and begging for forgiveness, when he heard steps approaching him. When he looked up he recognized Arthur coming towards him.

"Remus! What are you doing out here, sitting on the floor! You will catch your death! And Molly will blame me because I refused to look out for you earlier. I thought you could need some privacy, but if you're spending your time with catching a cold..."

"Sorry, Arthur. I didn't mean to worry you. It's just... There's a lot in my head right now and I needed a moment to regain some composure. I didn't want to scare the children or get into a fight with Molly."

"Understandable. But still, what are you doing out here? You look horrible. Has something happened?"

Carefully, Remus looked at his counterpart. Could he confide in Arthur? Would he drop hints to Molly? The red-haired man seemed to read his thoughts, for he smiled reassuringly and said: "If there's anything you want to tell me, don't hold back. If you don't want me to I won't tell Molly, I swear."

"Are you sure? I mean, I wouldn't want to force you into secrecy towards your own wife..."

"A little secret now and then never killed anyone. I have lots of them, to be true. Nothing important, but still. If she knew about that toaster I'm working at... Well, I don't really want to imagine her reaction. Especially not when it comes to Muggle machines that are meant to help preparing a meal. She always reproaches me, do I think she's a bad cook that I need to work on such things and so on. Really, your problem is safe with me."

"If you think so..."

"Maybe we should talk somewhere else. It's getting rather cold and Molly would kill us if we both catch a cold. She'll already scold me for being out here for so long. It's understandable, though. With a war going on, I wouldn't want to see her outside for too long myself. And she's enough to do without having to care for two sick men."

"I'm not really sure I can face her right now, other. She'll make inquiries to which I cannot answer."

"I know. I'll just drop by in the kitchen and tell her that I'm showing you something in my workshop. She'll never follow us there, she detests it way too much to enter it. But I don't want to scare her when it's not necessary. She needs to know where we are and that we're not in any danger."

Remus felt himself become uneasy. He hadn't thought of Molly! She would have worried herself mad had he stayed with Tonks. As far as he could judge it, she already had started after those few minutes.

So, reproaching himself for being so thoughtless with the person that had offered him a home over Christmas, he silently followed Arthur to his secret workshop. It wasn't really a secret, but nobody was interested enough to follow him there to find out what exactly he was doing. The older man quickly guided Remus to a chair and disappeared in the direction of the kitchen. As soon as he was left alone with his spinning thoughts, Remus started to doubt the sense of this conversation. What was he about to do? Arthur could never understand him. He had a lovely wife and seven children, after all! How could he understand what Remus was going through? He would just be another person to tell him that he should go back when he felt he couldn't. But before he could follow this train of thought long enough to just creep unnoticed in his room to escape the explanations, Arthur was back, a broad smile on his face.

"There will be turkey for dinner. Molly's turkey is the best you'll ever get to taste, believe me. She's always a brilliant cook, she could turn dust into something worth eating, but what she does with that turkey... It's indescribable. But now, back to the subject. What is it that makes you so confused?"

"I... Well, I don't really how I can explain it. Or where to start."

"How about the beginning? What happened after you left the house for a walk?"

"I ended up on the fields, almost on the spot where you found me. There is this wood, covered in snow and for a moment, the sun came out and it was such a beautiful sight... It made me think of..."

He couldn't form the words. He was stuttering and blushing like a teenager, as he was very aware, but he couldn't bring himself to even utter her name.

"I guess this is about Tonks, am I right?"

Remus just nodded.

"Not a miracle. Everything beautiful makes you think of the woman you love. When I first fell for Molly, I could look at a snowflake and couldn't help but to recall every word she had said during our last conversation. What happened then?"

"I.. I don't really know myself. I just know that the next thing, I was standing in front of her door and had already knocked."

"So?"

Well, I... We... Merlin, I sound like a teenager. Even worse than back at Hogwarts. We were on her coach and I just couldn't resist her any longer... But when I thought myself that I would give in, suddenly that horrible dream returned into my mind and I pulled away, ran out of her flat and came back. I don't know what to think..."

"Before you continue... Which dream? I think this is essential information for your explanation."

"It started when I met her in Hogsmeade, waiting for my first report to Dumbledore. There was this kiss and though I tried to get out of her way, every night I dreamed of what could be if I would give in. And on the night before the meeting, the dream turned into a nightmare. One moment we're in a sunny park and perfectly happy and the next, it's full moon and I'm ripping her apart, soaked in her blood when I awake. I couldn't stay any longer, Arthur. When I saw her looking at me like that, it reminded me of what I could do to her for that feeling. It's not fair on her."

"Remus, nothing is ever fair. There are always assets and drawbacks. You love her, right? And she loves you too and is willing to take the risk. Why can't you let her think for herself?"

"Because she obviously isn't able to do so when she's choosing a poor old werewolf!"

"It's not like she choose you, Remus. You should know by now that you can't choose who you fall in love with."

"But I shouldn't fall in love with anyone! Especially not with someone like Tonks. She deserves so much better. But yet I know that she'll probably never take that chance, no matter what I do."

"I can't disagree with you on that. But isn't that the more reason to go back to her and apologize? You could just give it a chance."

"No, Arthur. One chance could ruin her life forever and I'm not willing to put her future at risk. She can have everything and I won't be the one to take those possibilities from her. I can't."

"Are you sure? Did you even try?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did you really try to be with her, in any way? Did you even try to really imagine what it would be like? You couldn't even bring yourself to be her friend, which wouldn't have affected her in any way. This is not only about not wanting to take away her possibilities."

"Of course it is! What do you want to say? I can't be with her because I would ruin her for sure, probably endanger her life and certainly not be able to give her what she wants. It's not even worth a try, all odds are against us."

"Oh, come on, Remus, is that really all? Think about it. You could try to be with her and still draw back when you feel it's getting too dangerous. But you don't. You're avoiding her. I'd almost say you're flying her."

"It's too much of a danger to even try. It would be doomed from the beginning and..."

"Remus, for once, at least with me, try to be honest with yourself. You're afraid, aren't you? Afraid to do something wrong. To lose her. Either physically by hurting or even killing her or emotionally by not being good enough. Everyone knows these fears, even though not in the dimension you have to bear them. Do you think I wasn't afraid when I married Molly? That one day she would wake up and discover that she could have had somebody better than me, that she had wasted her life on me? That I was dragging her down into almost poverty because I wasn't good enough to be advanced in the ministry and didn't even want to? I didn't have to fear to physically harm her, but all those other fears were there as well. Don't think I can't understand you."

"It's not the same, Arthur. You're not in my condition. You don't know what it's like to be hated by everyone, to be shunned by society, to not have the chance of getting a job to earn any money at all. If you had regrets about rendering Molly poor, what shall I say to that? Tonks would have to support both of us. And to receive what favour? That I kill her the next full moon?"

"Nobody said you would kill her. You haven't done any harm to anyone in all those years and she is very well able to brew the Wolfsbane Potion. I saw her grades in Potions, it would be an easy task for her."

"But I never was so close to anyone, Arthur. It's a difference. I can't let her stay with me, but she's horribly stubborn."

"Well, that's where the two of you make a perfect match, because you are as well. Next to injuring her, what is your worst fear about this relationship, Remus?"

"Losing her."

"As in she leaves you?"

"Yes."

"As I mentioned, we all know this fear. And really, I know that in the back of your mind, you know nothing will happen to Tonks. She's too intelligent to get bitten by you. I think the fear you tell me is only the second on your list is really the worst. You're afraid that if you let her in, she will come to you one day, telling you that she doesn't want to live with an old, poor werewolf with nothing to offer, as you had put it so nicely. Am I right?"

Remus shook his head, but he couldn't answer.

"I knew I was right. Maybe one day you'll be able to admit to yourself that you're just hiding behind your age, your poverty and your condition and be willing to take the risk everyone who wants to be happy has to take sooner or later. Until then, whenever you want to talk to me, be assured I'll be there. And not a word to Molly, of course."

And with that, he left Remus alone to his thoughts, now more confused than ever.


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

**Waiting**

The following morning, Tonks awoke in a much better mood than before. Searching for consolation at her family and friends seemed to have worked. Her misery hadn't really subsided, but it hadn't increased, either. Her heart still beat in spite of all the pain she felt at yet another rejection. After all, she could understand him very well. In his place, she would be unwilling to sacrifice what she believed his future happiness as well. But one day he would have to see that he was wrong, right? There had to be that little spark of light at the end of the way, enlightening Remus' waiting silhouette. It wasn't possible that she was fighting in vain.

Before her thoughts could start to worry her, Tonks got up and prepared herself for the day. She had changed shifts with Dawlish – once more – so she would be up all day. There was no need to evoke Molly's sorrow, so she fetched herself a good breakfast. She wasn't really hungry, but knowing that others would feel more at ease if she ate all of it was enough motivation to do so. If she wasn't able to care for herself, she could at least care for others. Others that weren't Remus Lupin. In such spirits she left her flat to fulfil her duty.

XxxxxxxxxX

The conversation with Arthur had confused him even more. Remus didn't know what to believe any more. Could the other man be right? Was he just hiding behind his excuses, was uncertainty the only reason he feared to be with Tonks? Of course, Arthur underestimated the curse heavily if he thought it so easy to throw aside. But on the other side, for a trained Auror it couldn't be so hard to handle, right? It was her duty to fight dark wizards and creatures that were out of control. Even in the worst case she would be able to cope with his condition. The fear would stay at his side all along, but he saw that this argument didn't have much weight, seeing what he could gain. What about the others?

Too old. Well, Tonks was very tolerant, she didn't seem to mind his age. Sometimes, he caught a glint of wisdom in her eyes that was far beyond her own. In spirit they were alike enough, no matter what important events Tonks had missed by being born too late or Remus hadn't shown any interest in because he was born too early.

Too poor. That was a more striking one. He didn't want to be paid for, but he couldn't avoid it. There was simply no way he could get any money, so she would have to be the one to earn it. It didn't feel right to have her working alone for both of them, even though being an Auror wasn't badly paid at all.

None of it mattered, in the end. So what was left? His fear of not being good enough and the social effects his lycantrophy brought with it. She would be feared and hated for being aligned to a werewolf. How long could someone as outgoing as Tonks bear being shunned by almost everyone? She had said that her parents and her friends knew about her falling in love with him. Would they be able to tolerate it? Or would she lose everyone dear to her because of him? That was a risk he couldn't take. He knew what it felt like to lose your friends and your family and be all alone. Though she wouldn't be all alone having him, it would get quite lonely after a while.

Not being good enough. What was there to say about it? He certainly wasn't. Tonks was beautiful, a brilliant witch, a talented Auror, intelligent, gifted, the most pleasing company, always funny and cheerful. Well, except for now. But he could blame the war for it, although he knew he was lying to himself. At least, it wasn't impossible that the general situation shared a part in her state. How could he be deserving of her? She was young and full of life, perfect in every aspect. He was old, boring, shunned and broken. A relationship would be spoiled from the beginning, it wasn't even worth trying. He would only raise his hopes to see them shatter when she would leave. Or, even worse, to see her shatter by staying with him. Remus knew her loyalty. Perhaps she would never leave him, but slowly break in course of the life she would have to lead because of him. He wanted to see her happy, pink hair back on and all cheerful. By no means dull and brown-haired for the rest of her life, especially not knowing that it was his fault for having her dragged down to him.

So, was he being selfish in hiding behind his excuses? He wasn't really hiding, the real reason just sounded so very weak without them. But the feelings they induced whenever he thought about it were anything but weak. Imagining his wonderful Tonks reduced to a depressed shell of herself at his side or the hateful glance she would give him when she left... It was equally painful. He couldn't risk hurting both of them so much. Both alternatives would be worse than what he was feeling now. Contrary emotions still fought in him. They changed from heartbeat to heartbeat. First he felt all the love that had surrounded him while being with her on that couch, then there was the fear of that horrible nightmare, the security of being in her arms, the pain of seeing her begging for him to stay. They all mixed up to a chaos Remus couldn't identify. He had never felt like this and he didn't even know how to describe it to somebody who could do so for him.

His resolution seemed to drown in that flood of emotions. One moment he was convinced of having done the right thing in saving her from a life at his side, the next he thought himself the biggest git ever for not taking the chance, especially in times as these. And even if there were no war, how many girls like Tonks would love someone like him? If only for a short time, it would be worth every second. And who knew? Maybe it could last, after all. Then again those were very selfish thoughts and he shouldn't even be thinking about her right now, rather planning on preventing Greyback from his terrifying plans. It was time to leave the safety of the Burrow and the warmth of his friends and return to the colony. There he could be useful and maybe forget about his problems. As long as he was on his mission he didn't have to ponder whether being with Tonks was right or not, for the geographical distance made a relationship impossible anyway.

XxxxxxxxxX

Returning wasn't as liberating as Remus had thought it would be. He missed his friends, the excellent food and the liberty to go where he liked. Now he was being watched again, mistrusted by everyone and he could beheld himself very lucky when there was any food at all. The doubts about his behaviour towards Tonks still followed him wherever he went and there was no success for his mission. Greyback kept all of his followers in the dark, more so than usual. Remus could only hope that he hadn't figured out who was living in his colony right now. He didn't really want to imagine what would be Greyback's revenge if he knew. In every case he wouldn't stay unharmed, that much was for sure.

The days passed so slowly that he didn't know what to do with his time. He tried to catch some news about the happenings of the next full moon, but considering that his position in the pack made it impossible for him to talk to anyone, he could only eavesdrop. This time, nobody knew anything, it seemed. Moreover Remus couldn't stay with the others all of the time, as the outcasts weren't allowed to rest among the werewolves of higher ranks. So there was plenty of time he couldn't use on his mission and which was therefore occupied by thoughts of Tonks and the relative luxury of the Burrow.

Days turned into weeks. Silvester and New Year had passed him by without him noticing it. From the colony were no fireworks to be heard, no lights to be seen in the night sky. Everything he knew was so far away it appeared to be in another world or life time. Being close to Tonks turned into a blurred memory, reminding him of a dream so long passed it was almost forgotten. The nightmares subsided and were replaced by a numbness that scared him more than any pain or emotional upheaval ever could. Everything seemed so dull and uninteresting, his mission and even his life senseless. He searched in his mind for anything that was worth fighting for, but he could find nothing at all. His best friends were dead or traitors, his family dead as well, his fellow order members/friends better off without him and Tonks was out of his league anyway.

This strange numbness tightened its grip on him with every passing day and week. Every so often he would question the sense of his whole existence and there was no answer that would satisfy him. Being a good friend? To which use, when they were all dead to him? Falling in love? Why, when he saw no way to experience the full of it? Fight in this war and make the better world? How, with a senseless task that didn't help anyone and no knowledge of the plans of the superior other side? Was there any sense at all or was the whole world a cruel joke, just built to be destroyed? Wasn't everything so very fragile, coming into existence to be broken in a matter of minutes or seconds? Such were the thoughts and questions that kept spinning in his head and he couldn't stop them from hunting every wake minute. Remus tried hard to concentrate on other things, to make his mission work by any chance, but nothing happened. The days stayed the same. Another full moon, another night of blissful nothing, leaving lacks in his memory and overworked brain. For the first time in his life, the full moon was as close to a relief as it could possibly get. The only few hours each months when he didn't need to think about anything at all and which tired him so much he had to sleep through most of the next day. He was very careful not to mingle with the others when they transformed, but still he asked himself whether the blood on his hands and clothes was always that of an unlucky animal striding through the forest.

XxxxxxxxxX

Tonks' days passed no better. She ate as much for breakfast as she possibly could, went out for work and returned in the evening to fall into her bed and a deep sleep, almost always dreamless. When she couldn't get another duty from Dawlish or her other colleagues, she visited Molly or her parents or Giovanni and Robert. No minute of the day was spared to stand still and think. She didn't want to think. Too much thinking would make her ponder about Remus and his whereabouts, especially her sorrow that something could have happened to him. After all, their situation wasn't solved now. She wanted a clear answer. Preferably a victory, but even a decided 'I don't love you, let it be' would be better than this horrible state of not knowing. Tonks couldn't predict what the next meeting with Remus would bring. Would he avoid her, ignoring her as much as he could? Would he come so close only to pull away again and run? Or would he change his mind and stay with her? Nearly all of those possibilities had occurred so far. There was no way of knowing which one was likely to be the one in favour when they would meet the next time.

In the meantime, Tonks had entirely given up on reading. Nothing interested her enough to spend her time with it. Nothing fascinated her enough to distract her from thinking of a certain werewolf. Whenever she looked at the letters she saw nothing but blood and paws clawing at her beloved. Reading was too little tiring, she needed something to keep her so busy she wouldn't get the time to think. Even duty was hard on her, mostly consisting of walking deserted alleys up and down for signs of intruders.

The only light in that dull time, apart from the usual consolation, was Charlie's answer to her letter. Only a few days after she had sent her explanations, her owl had returned with a new piece of parchment tied to its leg. Tonks had removed it excitedly and had started to read straight away, not caring for the hungry owl.

_Dear Nymphie,_

_first of all, thank you for your Christmas present. It was rather unusual. I didn't know myself that I liked tea sets. But as you wrote in your letter, you are quite confused as of lately, so I won't be too angry with you. I promise I won't send it back with a curse on it. _

_Some of the things you told me I already heard of from my mother and even from good old Gio. For the first time he sounds quite optimistic with a guy, considering that months have passed since they got together. This time he seems to get it right. As for you, I hardly can believe that my freaky little Nymphie has fallen in love. I always imagined you becoming an old, lonely lady with way too many cats. Although, lady isn't exactly the term I would use for you. How about an old rebel? That would be more like it._

_I have to state that I don't understand that guy. I mean, who in their right mind would think you fragile and girlish? You are worse than my dragons down here. You have way too much temper to be reduced to a fragile, helpless girl, no matter what you say. You always tended to underestimate __yourself, so much I can't even call it humble any more. Believe me, I've known you for yours and I'm sure you'll get through. This man will have no choice but to give in. I know your loyalty, you won't change your mind. And you always get what you want. He's definitely fighting for a lost cause. _

_Before I forget it, what is it with his hairy condition? Is he what I think what he is (which is a werewolf, by the way)? If it's so, I'm no longer surprised. I mean, freaky Nymphie can't just be with someone ordinary her age. It has to be someone years older with a sad fate. After old cat lady that would have been my next guess for your future. But be assured that you have my support no matter what you do. I'll always trust you in decisions of the heart, you have such a good one it can hardly fail. Believe me, you're very well able to cope with anything. I know you can._

_As for me being insulted: Yes, I am. You could have told me earlier instead of writing about unimportant stuff just to have written at all. But I'm not mad at you, I can imagine that it's difficult to explain in a letter. At least you chose to explain it to me, even though I can't be at your side right now. I hope you'll learn from it in the future and always write what you truly want to say. _

_Your faithful dragon master,_

_Charlie_

_P.S.: Yes, I remember that year. Please, never call me Jacques again. Jimmy Palmer still laughs about it whenever I meet him, which is luckily not too often. I think it was the most embarassing period of my life. When you get that guy around, please, don't start giving him a nickname. We wouldn't survive it._

Upon reading this letter, Tonks was torn between tears and laughter. So that was what she had sent him for Christmas? A tea set? Goodness, she really hadn't thought about it. The rest of the letter – except for the P.S. - was so full of encouragement Tonks couldn't help but feel better. Not exactly happy, but better. She had great friends and a lovely family to support her, whereas Remus had neither the one nor the other. She had to be grateful for what she had. And so she was, more than ever. They were all there now that she needed them. Maybe Charlie was right and she rarely failed in affairs of the heart like choosing your friends. She definitely hadn't failed in her choice of lover, although the situation would be much less complex and painful if her heart had decided on someone else. But who said life was easy? Tonks didn't want the easy way, she wanted Remus. So she kept on breathing, making her way through the day, waiting for her day to come.


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30**

**Far off**

Life continued the same as ever. Tonks tried to chase Remus out of her thoughts most of the time, failing miserably whenever she had the opportunity to think, for example in bed waiting for sleep or at duty when she walked alone through the empty streets. The support of her friends and her family still carried her through the day, her resolution to win him over one of these days still intact.

Then came that certain day that ruined all of her countenance. The snow had already melted away, leaving Hogwarts and its surroundings to the beginnings of spring. More people were on the street now, not caring for any danger of Death Eaters that would never arrive. And even if they would, what were the Aurors for? The sun supported their good humour and laughter was to be heard in Hogsmeade again. Tonks did her best not to mind it, being grateful for catching a word of the rest of the world now and then. On that certain day, a slightly drunk man stumbled out of the Hogshead, loudly discussing with his equally drunken companion.

"Did you hear of that werewolf attack? Shall be a really bad thing. They hardly recognized the guy as a human being. There must have been a whole pack on him."

Tonks' heart missed more than one beat and the answer of the other man got lost in the rushing of her blood that resounded in her head all of a sudden. That attack hadn't been in the _Daily Prophet. _The only reason she still read that infamous newspaper and it didn't even contain the news essential for her. What if it was Remus? Panic flooded through her mind and she found herself on the way up to Hogwarts before her mind settled back in. Dumbledore would know. If anyone knew if something happened to Remus or not, it would be Dumbledore. After all, he was his main contact. Her feet carried her further and further, not caring that her mind started to protest. What was she about to do? She had left her post, not caring for someone to replace her. She had just left and nearly run up this path. That could cost her her job. She knew this perfectly well, knew that she was needed in the order, preferably still in duty. But it didn't stop her from walking as fast as she could without actually running or jogging. Her mind reeled and her lungs ached for air. If her fears came true, if Remus was really dead, it wouldn't matter if she lost her job. Nothing would ever matter again. The cold and numbness tugged violently at her heart and Tonks tried desperately to fight it off. Just until she knew. Just until she was safe in Dumbledore's office, having a shoulder to cry upon in the worst case of all cases. Nothing was lost by now. She could be wrong.

But on the other side: Wasn't it likely? How many times had her imagination played that scene through, Remus being discovered and exposed to Greyback's horrible revenge? To that of the rest of the pack? Especially the last weeks, when she learned from others that Remus was even more closely watched than before and Greyback started to be cautious with his information. That could just mean one thing: He suspected something, a spy in his colony. If he had learned that Remus was amongst them it would have been too easy to guess who that spy was. Had his disguise been destroyed, was he the nameless victim on the streets? Tonks tried to calm her spinning thoughts, her increasing fears. No, that wasn't possible. He couldn't just die. Not without giving them a chance! She didn't want to live with only the few memories of kisses and intimacy of the most harmless kind. If one of them was to die, she wanted to keep the remembrance of whole nights full of pleasure and peace, of knowing that for once, he had finally stopped analysing everything and was just living up to his feelings. She wanted that loving gaze on her.

Desire, longing, loneliness, mortal fear and pain mixing up inside of her, she hardly stumbled through the front door and into the castle. She tried hard to hold back the tears. Seeing an Auror walking about Hogwarts' corridors with tears in her eyes wouldn't reassure the pupils. And that part of her job she hadn't forgotten, even now. So she unsteadily made her way to the office she so desperately wanted to see. The thought of Dumbledore's smiling face, understanding her reasons and not judging her for acting spontaneously, calmed her inner terror a little. Everything would be all right as soon as she was in that office, no matter what would follow.

Heart beating frantically, she arrived in front of the gargoyle. She didn't know the password! How was she to get in there and know if her reason for living was still breathing himself or not if she didn't even know the goddamn password? The tiny spark of hope which had built up inside of her on walking about the well-known place was about to die when she suddenly saw a movement out of the corner of her eye. She turned around and caught a glimpse of Minerva McGonagall's cloak disappearing behind a corner. Minerva! Of course! If anyone except for Dumbledore himself knew the password to his office, it was Minerva! Throwing all caution in the wind, she ran around the corner to catch up with her former Transfigurations professor.

"Minerva!"

The older witch turned around in shock.

"Nymphadora! What are you doing here?"

Not objecting to the use of her hated first name, Tonks came right to the point, without any explanation.

"What is the password for Dumbledore's office? I need to see him."

"He's not there. But shouldn't you be at Hogs-"

The rest of the sentence didn't reach Tonks. She had already turned around and left the place as fast as possible. Her only source of hope and tranquillity in the midst of such an emotional upheaval was not there! Where was he? Shouldn't he be in school, considering that he was the headmaster, after all? On the other side, shouldn't she be in Hogsmeade, seeing that it was her job to protect the village from possible intruders? Tears blurred her vision as she searched for a place to go, her mind still reeling, maybe even worse than before. Why had he left the school? Was it really Remus? Had Dumbledore left to collect his dead body and present it to the rest of the order, already planning the funeral? No, he wouldn't do such a thing. Dumbledore would have told her if he knew anything about Remus, he knew her feelings! He wouldn't have left, leaving her without anything to hold on to.

Once more, her feet carried her without her consciousness taking any part in where she was going. It wasn't important. Just somewhere she would be safe, where she could cry her heart out as she longed to do. She just turned around another corner when she heard a few swear words, an angry teenager coming half into view. Half? Harry! With his invisibility cloak once more. What was that boy about? But maybe... Not everyone was as isolated from any contact to Remus as her. Maybe Harry had heard from him, or from the attack, maybe he knew something. She approached him and started to talk to him without even noticing what she was saying. She knew she should probably scold him for whatever he had been doing, but she couldn't care less right now. The boy wouldn't listen to her anyway.

As soon as the important question was posed and Harry's possible knowledge negated, she didn't even try to listen to his words any more. The tears swelled up again and she couldn't do anything about it. Tonks knew that Harry was the last person she should cry in front of, with him having enough sorrows of his own. But she couldn't help it. The thought that she would have to bear the uncertainty for hours, maybe even days, rendered her completely hopeless. How was she to survive that time? It was more than anyone could ask for. Leaving a confused Harry behind, Tonks stumbled out of the castle and back to her post, hoping that no one had noticed her absence. She didn't want to discuss such trivial matters as her job right now. Her heart painfully reminded her of what was to fear and her bloody mind didn't stop spinning. There was no avoiding the topic, for it was all she could concentrate on. It was the point where her world could fall apart in a matter of a few words. "He's dead" was all it required to turn her into a wreck out of her own reach. Nymphadora Tonks would be dead as soon as those words would be spoken. She wouldn't be able to return to her former self. She couldn't even bring herself to it now, or the weeks before, when she knew him to be alive. What would happen to her if it was really him? It was painful enough to imagine him being dead, she didn't want to know what the actual feeling was like. There was simply no way Remus Lupin could be dead. It wasn't possible. He couldn't be dead, it would mean the end of her world. But in a war as this, who cared for someone's world shattering into pieces? Weren't there many people who had lost all they loved? Wasn't Remus himself the best example for what you could lose? All your best friends, in just one night. Again, Tonks was glad for the deserted streets. No one would hear her cry. She tried to imagine Charlie and Giovanni and Robert being killed in one night, or one of them turning into a traitor who caused the death of the others without a sign of true remorse. She failed miserably at the pain the mere thought induced. For the first time, Tonks saw a hint of the fear that held him back from her. Who wouldn't be afraid of love, knowing the feeling of loss so well? She could feel herself getting uneasy upon the thought. If she wouldn't love him so much, the idea of him being dead wouldn't hurt so horribly. Of course it would pain her to lose any of her comrades, but it wouldn't be quite the same. Was it weak to be afraid of such pain and worry? If it was, then she had to admit weakness. For the first time she really wished her love for Remus away, just to be spared this endless torture. After all, there hadn't been any pleasure to make up for her current state of mind. Had he given her the chance of feeling that love of hers in all its warmth and glory, she might hadn't longed for it to disappear. But as it was, she just knew the increased loneliness and heartbreak. She could barely recall the rush of joy his presence used to spark. How recalling the light when you are lost in the dark? Her memories were shadows of her feelings, not able to withstand the horrendous violence of reality.

But, in a different light, was that a reason to push her away, to not even try? To just endure the pain and tragedy instead of holding on to what life had left? Tonks couldn't imagine an enhancement of the pain which was ripping her apart. Not being with him didn't lessen her love. She felt the pain, if he let them have what they both wanted or not. The way it was, they just suffered the more. If Remus wouldn't insist on keeping away from her, he would have sent her a word that he was all right, that there was no need to worry, if necessary through Dumbledore. But as it was he would think it selfish to send any message to her at all, supposing that she had forgotten him readily after all that had happened. That thick head of his! If he wouldn't be such a noble git, she wouldn't stand there, crying in the middle of an empty street when she should do her duty. She wouldn't have run up to Hogwarts in vain. She wouldn't have risked losing her job by just rushing up there. She would have known that there would be a letter to explain it all when she came back to her flat. As it was now, she had nothing to hope for. Maybe Dumbledore had heard of the rumours, or McGonagall would tell him that she had been in the castle, so that he would come over to her and tell her what had happened. It was her only hope. There was no one else who could ease her struggle for air. Except for Remus himself, but Tonks didn't expect him to walk into the Three Broomsticks, even if he was alive.

After long hours of walking up and down, the same thoughts revolving in her head, repeating themselves over and over again, it finally struck eight and she could leave her post without rising the suspicion that something was wrong. When Proudfoot approached, she swore she had never been more grateful for the announced appearance of anyone. She smiled at him broadly and hurried back to her flat. There had to be a message. There simply had to be. From Molly, from Dumbledore, from Remus himself, no matter who. Just a few words that would set her overworked brain at ease. Just a definite "He's dead" or "He's alive". Nothing else. Just certainty. Just the truth. Storming into the apartment, Tonks nearly crashed the door into the wall, rushing to her desk. Nothing. Desperately sobbing, Tonks broke down in front of it. There was no air and nothing to hold on to. The world spun as her own swayed dangerously. She was so close to the edge she swore she could see the other side. How much easier it would be to just go insane! Not knowing about the war, about Remus, about anything! Just surrendering to madness. Or to death. It would be so very easy, whichever she would choose, so infinitely more easy than suffering her way through life, with no certainty that there would be relief one day. Voldemort's tyranny could continue, Harry could fail, Remus could keep refusing her. What if the world stayed dark? She was not important for that decision, that was the work of fate. She was just a grain of sand on a beach, one of many, no one who mattered. Her giving in wouldn't do any damage. The ones she would leave behind all had somebody to keep them up, they would survive. Remus didn't seem to care about her. In this moment of decision she was so very sure of his not loving her as she had been convinced of the contrary beforehand. No clear thought got through to her screaming mind, her tortured soul. A second of reasonable thinking could do nothing but reveal the irony of the situation, that a woman of twenty-four should already been ruined like this. She had thought herself so strong and independent, what was left of it? She was nothing but a wreck, broken by a war she had considered herself prepared for and the love to a man she had never seen coming.

It wasn't flattering to have to admit that she had chosen the easy path. Tonks had decided on giving in to temptation, just escaping into the excuse of becoming mental and saying her goodbyes to this awful world she lived in. Had not one thing prevented her from doing so, such would have been her fate. The big kitchen knife wasn't too far away, after all. Tonks imagined it to be a calm kind of death, watching your own life in way of your blood slowly pouring out of you, getting weaker by the minute and finally surrendering to the peace of afterlife. Or whatever followed death. Maybe nothing at all, empty space, blackness. It would certainly be better than what she endured now. But a persistent knocking on her window stopped her. She slowly looked up. An owl. It was an owl! Hear beating frantically, she jumped up and ran to the window. She opened it in a haste, nearly throwing the poor animal off the windowpane. She mercilessly ripped the message off its leg and enfolded the piece of parchment. An elegant handwriting came in view. She had seen it once before. Its content was what settled her mind back into the world of the living, away from dark musings of death and utmost despair.

_It's not him. _


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31**

**Sacrifice**

Things in the colony got worse by the minute. Less and less information came through, Greyback seemed more careful than ever before. Remus couldn't remember him to be so cautious. What did it mean? Had he noticed something? Did he know that Remus was beneath his followers, spying on him for Dumbledore? Probably not, otherwise he would have been killed long ago. It wasn't Greyback's style to wait on his victims. He wanted them straight away, the sight of blood gave him a rush Remus could all too well recall. On the other side, he had never been careful up until now. Maybe he had changed tactics? Voldemort could have told him to show a little more restraint concerning his personal revenge, as not to provoke Dumbledore's distrust. But of course there wasn't any information on this behalf, either, so there was nothing left to do than staying with the pack and trying to do something. Preferably something that wasn't meditating about Tonks and the last time he had seen her. But as much as he wanted to stop himself from thinking about her, he couldn't. She was the only thing to keep him alive and sane in the midst of the numbing violence in which he was forced to live by his own conscience. The only emotion he could really feel was the twinge of pain his heart gave every time he remembered withdrawing from her that day. Or one of the other countless times he had ruined his own happiness.

All of a sudden, sighing seemed to be a favourite hobby of his. He spent hours just sitting there, thinking about all the things he missed in his current life, musing about his beloved and her whereabouts. After some time, the others had stopped following him whenever they saw that he was heading towards the little wood next to the colony. They knew that he was just going to sit there for hours, sighing now and again, an expression of regret and melancholy on his face. Every single one of them knew those feelings all too well to want to spend most of the day watching someone else experience them. Solitude was what helped most when one pondered about his losses in a life of misery. There was nothing the others could have said to make it any better, anyway. What was there to say? Being a werewolf was nothing curable, it only condemned its victims to a life nobody wanted to lead. They would be shunned all of their lives, deservedly or not. Just because monsters like Greyback walked about the planet, spreading terror and anxiety.

Time became a blur and with no occupation at all, besides being used as a punching ball by the luckier werewolves, Remus couldn't say what he had done all day or even differ between the days and weeks. Everything was always the same and he longed desperately for a change, preferably the one that meant he would leave the colony at last. But nothing ever happened. Remus just kept on waiting, struggling against the urge to just turn his back on this senseless task and run to the one place he considered home. Deep inside, he knew he had to stay and couldn't forgive himself if anything should occur that would enable him to save someone in his absence. One day, someone would slip a word and Remus prayed that it would be worth the time spent in privation.

Caught in his own miserable mind, he nearly missed a very important event, if not one that gave him a task, at least one that concerned his mission. Rumours spread in the pack, someone was accused of being a spy for the other side. He heard them talk about it, but they never mentioned the name when he was around. At first, he concluded that they were talking about him and that his days would soon be set to an end. He couldn't bring himself to be afraid or even sorry. Death couldn't be worse than the numbness that consumed him so wholly. The torture Greyback would prepare for him would surely deliver enough pain to finally find back into reality for the last minutes of his existence. It would get him out of his depressed mind. Remus considered his life as worth so little that even terrifying pain became a proper mean to shake him out of that depression. He wanted to feel something, just for a few seconds, _anything. _

But he waited in vain. The rumours weren't meant for him, the silence of the others didn't mean that he would be the one to be sacrificed to Greyback's blood thirst, it was nothing but an expression of their mistrust and disrespect. As the full moon drew closer, excitement rose in the pack. Everyone wanted to see the traitor suffer, wanted to watch his life being taken by their leader. Some of them had never seen Greyback before, only when he was preaching to them, but never in action. Never as a wolf, which was almost more his natural state than his human form. Just once in this time Remus' path crossed that of Jordan. He looked paler than usual, trembling slightly as he tiptoed through the colony. Remus didn't think anything of it, full moons were always hard on Jordan and he despised the pack's violence as much as himself. Surely having such a crime in view wouldn't lift his spirits. But once more, Remus should be wrong.

XxxxxxxxxX

On the day right before full moon, Remus mused in solitude as he used to. For the first time in what was probably weeks, he heard footsteps approaching him. He lifted his head lazily, not wanting any company. Jordan's pace slowed a bit as he saw his friend.

"I thought you would be here."

"So I am. What makes you come here?"

"I need to talk to someone. And you're the only one in his right mind within the next five miles."

He tried to smile, but failed miserably. He looked even worse than when Remus had seen him the last time.

"What about? You don't look too well. Is something the matter?"

A sort of interest in the other man's fate aroused in Remus. Something he hadn't really felt for some time, now.

"Haven't you heard the rumours?"

Jordan trembled at the word. He bit his lower lip and started looking about him, searching the area for unwanted listeners.

"Of course, at least some of it. There's no way around them. We're alone here. Nobody follows me here, they don't want to observe my musings. Whatever you want to say will stay in private."

"Are you sure?"

"Positively. They stopped following me weeks ago. Maybe even months. If no one followed you..."

"No, no, I made sure they won't. Can I sit down with you? I don't think I can stand much longer."

Remus nodded his agreement and Jordan sank down next to him, covering his face with his hands.

"What is this about, Jordan? You look quite shaken."

"I am. Seems you missed out on the most important part of the rumours. To who they refer, for example."

"That's not hard to tell. I mean, who could be suspected to be a spy but me? They never finish their sentences when I am around."

"No, they don't refer to you, Remus."

"Who else-"

The truth struck him. It wasn't him. Nobody thought him the spy. They suspected Jordan. Jordan! Who never did anything to betray them. He didn't sympathise with them, either, but he never tried to act against the colony. What could make the others think him more likely to be a spy than Remus, who had lived so many years in the wizarding world they despised so much?

"Why? Why are they suspecting you? I'm much more likely to be a spy."

"The others don't think so. They think you too much of a coward to do anything alike. But they watched me when we fought, and it convinced them that I was up to something. Seeing that we were getting along together quite well to that point. They think I had my way with you to rise in the hierarchy and get more valuable information."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for getting you into this. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"I suppose not."

"Maybe I could help you to flight, like you did for me. After all, it's what got you into your recent position."

"No. Whatever you're trying to do here, Remus, I know it's for the right cause. Your helping me out of here would ruin all your plans. I can't risk that. Furthermore, they would find me anyway. It's hard to hide from the pack."

"It's not as hard as you think. I know some people who could hide you well enough..."

"Thank you, but no more of it. I'm going to day tomorrow night. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. You have to stay here and try to change something. Try to make life better for them. They wouldn't be what they are now if they had a chance. Some of them are still good people in their hearts. It's just life here that renders them so brutal. Please, Remus, do that for me. Help them getting their chances. And... set an example. If there ever is any chance for you to become happy, truly happy, take it. Don't think too much. Show the world that a werewolf can have a life worth being called so."

"Jordan, I..."

"No. I've made up my mind. I'm going to die because it will save whatever mission brings you here. My life is done, Remus. I've lost my wife, my children. I lead a life of misery. I'm not sorry for sacrificing it to a good cause. You don't have to feel that it's your fault. It's my choice. I just wanted you to know before it's too late."

"I'm truly sorry. This is my fault, no matter what you say. But if I can't change your mind..."

"No, you can't. Thank you for being there. Thank you for giving me hope, although I'll never get the chance to see it come true. Remember my words. Do all that you can to make this world better, for werewolves as well as for everyone else. I fear you'll have to take my share as well, for I never got to do something about it myself, except for dying tomorrow night. Don't even think about taking my place. I can't change anything when you're gone. You can."

Jordan's smile was slightly more honest by now, but still weak.

"I don't know what to say. Thank you. I'll do my best to honour your memory and do as you told me to. I'm not sure I can change something, but I'll try, I promise. I... This is goodbye, then, right?"

"Yes. Goodbye, Remus. I'm proud to have known you."

"Goodbye, Jordan. I'll remember you. Your sacrifice won't be in vain. I wish you well, whatever may follow death."

"I wish you well, too."

They hugged hesitantly, both with tears in their eyes. This was what Remus would have least expected. Sometimes fate played very cruel jokes. But as soon as Jordan tiptoed back to the colony, his thoughts wandered back to the promise he had just given. It included being as happy as possible. And Tonks would certainly be more relieved about him being still alive than grieved about Jordan's death. There was even less loss on Jordan's side than on his own. But Remus knew that his death would haunt his mind till his own dying day. It would always be his fault to some degree, no matter how much Jordan insisted on it being his choice.

XxxxxxxxxX 

The following day marked a change. For the first time, Remus' musing belonged to someone else. It was Jordan he thought about, the closest to a friend he had had in the colony and who would have to die tonight. It wasn't fair, but then again it wasn't even fair that he was here. He should be with his family, with his wife and his children. But someone had decided on turning him into a monster his family couldn't bear living with. Even if they hadn't dropped him, their life would have been horrible. They were better off without him. It hurt to think so about his friend, but it was a fate Remus knew too well to pretend anything else. Being a werewolf hurt those around you as much as yourself, sometimes. How should he take a chance on happiness, as he had promised, when it meant destroying the future of the woman he loved? And how could he break a promise he had given to a friend who was about to do in his place?

Torn between the answers to those questions, he spent the day in misery, waiting for the night to come. He would stay away from the pack, as usually. He couldn't risk hurting someone and in wolf form he wouldn't be able to support Jordan, if he was there or not. So Remus stayed in the wood until it was time to return to the colony. He didn't try to find Jordan, they had said their goodbyes the day before and anything else would look suspicious.

A painful blackout followed. The rest of the night was cut out of his memory. Not even the pain of transformation had registered. The moment Remus awoke was dedicated to thoughts of Jordan. It would be all over by now. He could hear the tougher ones still talk in excitement about the night's events. There wouldn't be so much cheerfulness had they spared him for any reason. As fast as his state enabled him to, he rose from the floor. Swaying a little, he looked about the place. In this area of the colony, nobody else was awake. Some of the sleeping berths were deserted, either because their owners had been killed in the course of the night or because they were still sitting with the others to talk about their newest adventure. Carefully, Remus crept out. He wanted to find Jordan, before someone else could do so. He wanted to see him one last time, to say his final goodbyes, even if there wouldn't be a response this time.

The sun was just about to rise, dew still clinging to the leaves, when he found him. Remus' first reaction was shock. The whole pack must have been on Jordan, his body was hardly recognizable. There was blood all over the place, probably not only of his friend. He thought he could figure out two or three other bodies in the dawn, a few feet away. His eyes fell back on the one that mattered the most. The only one in this place who had meant to die and intended something with his death. Remus wasn't sure if he could take his legacy and fulfil his last will, but he was willing to try. Though he had to suppress the urge to throw up at the horrible sight, he couldn't turn his eyes away. For the first time since he had returned to the colony after Christmas, he felt something. A painful twinge of guilt, sadness and grief. This was somehow his fault. Maybe destiny's punishment for not being as eager at his task as he ought to be. From now on, that would change. He would do more. He would get out of his head and concentrate on saving as many lives as possible, no longer standing by and watching others being sacrificed. At least this part of his promise was easy to keep. There was nothing that could restrain him from doing his best any more. Remus still felt uneasy about the part including his own happiness, but all the others he would joyfully cling to. Perhaps it was harsh that it needed the death of a friend to wake up, but now that he was awake, he would give his utmost. It was about time to contact Dumbledore.


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

**Return**

Life continued. Somehow, at the very same time, nothing had changed and everything was different. Her boring shifts were the same, not revealing one Death Eater or even a conspicuous person. The order meetings were the same, hardly offering any new information. Her lonely nights were the same, robbing her off her sleep and appetite. Molly's constant worrying was the same, maybe even a bit increased. Dumbledore's knowing looks, Moody's mumbled disapproval of her behaviour. But it all seemed to be in a different light now. She had feared the worst. For the longest hours of her life, she had feared the worst. Her love gone forever, without the chance to live up to their feelings. Somehow, knowing that he was still alive had turned into a valuable piece of knowledge since that day. Tonks didn't care if he was with her or not. Right now, she couldn't change anything about it, he was out of her reach. The only thing that mattered was that he kept on breathing, existing. She was so glad he was alive that her days seemed much brighter. She could feel again. She loved the rare sound of laughter, the sight of a happy couple kissing on the street before hurrying into a shop to avoid the possible danger of dark wizards. She had thought she would hate those things forever, but Remus was alive, so there could be happiness in the world.

Sometimes, Tonks tried to describe that feeling. To her friends, to her parents, even to Molly. She didn't know how to put it into words. This amazing relief when she had found out he was still alive. It kept on shining brightly in her soul, reminding her that there still was a reason to live on, even if that reason didn't want to be with her for stupid reasons she could hardly call such. This one fact, that he was still breathing, had the importance of Voldemort's fall. Even if the world would be freed from one of its worst tyrants, if Remus ceased existing, the world wouldn't be worth living in. No matter how much laughter would sound through the narrow alleys of Hogsmeade or any other town with magical inhabitants. The only source of joy was Remus. Giovanni never stopped inquiring in this sudden change of opinion.

"You were so depressed because he's not with you, and now you're overjoyed for the very same thing?"

"It's not the same. But he's living, Giovanni! _Living. _I thought he was dead, but he's still alive. You don't know how wonderful it is!"

"But the fact that he's avoiding you is not out of the world just because he's still alive!"

"Now is not the time to think about that. We could die any moment, all of us. But he's still breathing, still living, somewhere."

"Yes, that's my point. _Somewhere. _Not with you. A few weeks ago this got you completely down and now you're happy about it!"

"It's no longer the same, Gio. It's hard to understand, I can imagine that. I wouldn't have understood it myself, just until I felt it. Imagine you would hear somewhere that Robert is dead and you wouldn't have the possibility to prove the opposite. And then he would come home and just be there. Imagine the relief of this!"

"The difference is, Rob would be there. Your Remus will not. He made it clear. I still don't know why you cling so much to someone who's pushing you away. At least stop being so damn happy about him being alive."

"Oh, don't be so cross. I would say you should wait and see for yourself, but I really don't wish for you to have to feel that way. It's horrible. I was in such a state that everything just feels perfect in comparison. Even being lonely and missing him horribly is better than to learn that he's dead. Believe me, in my place, you would know."

"In your place, I would be in a sort of suicide order, straight, utterly depressed, with a job that's equally mortal and in love with a werewolf. And I would be able to morph around at will, fearing my own natural state because I associate it with my beloved grandmother who died more than four years ago. You're probably right. If I were you, I would have so many problems that I most probably would be happy to be released from one of them."

"Now you're being mean. I know that I have my share of problems, but you're not perfect, either. What got you into such a mood? Did you have a fight with Robert?"

"Last night. The usual arguments. He's too old and I'm too outgoing for us to fit together and what not."

"You should talk to him. It's not helping if you're hurting me when you're real problems lie in your relationship."

"The problem is, he didn't come home last night. He slept at some friend of his. He won't talk to me."

"Well, you can't know if you don't even try. Get up and go to him. Tell him that you're sorry for whatever you said to insult him during the fight and insist on being right about your relationship."

"Who said that I insulted him?"

"I know your temper. You most probably have. And you should really apologize. Your stubbornness doesn't help. A relationship is about compromises. At least listen to his arguments before you wave them off."

"Why should I? They're always the same and they're crap. You know that. And what do you know about relationships? It's not like you ever had one, not really..."

"I've learned a lot through you. Admit it, without me, the two of you wouldn't be together any more."

"And maybe that would be better. If it stays like this... I don't want to be caught in those fights for the rest of my life. But I'm not sure that he'll ever stop or get over his lack of self-confidence. I can't take that forever, Nymph."

"It just takes him some time to see that you're right. If you're leaving him now, you don't do anything to make even one of you happy, you'd just prove his point."

"Which point?"

"That it can't work and that your love is not strong enough to withstand the odds. He thinks that you won't stay interested in him and that you'll leave as soon as you notice that you could do much better with someone your age and more your character."

"Why do you know that?"

"Robert told me. I spoke to him about it, several times. And if you would listen to him, you perhaps would understand his reasons a little better. Come on now, Gio. Don't waste your chances. I know that you love him, and he loves you. Don't destroy this by being so horribly stubborn."

"I'll go. But if it's not working, I'll blame you."

"Do that. In the meantime, I'll head back to Hogsmeade. In case you need the living room for a reunion or something..."

"Aren't we having a dirty little mind, dearest Nymphie? But just in case.."

"Yeah, I know what you want to say. I'll leave. Good luck, Gio."

"Thanks. Keep it up, Nymphie."

Such were their conversations, although things became a bit calmer between Robert and Giovanni. From time to time there was another fight, but they always got it right. Tonks wished sincerely that at least her best friend would be allowed to have a proper love life. Being alone and rejected didn't seem so hard when at least her loved ones were happy to a certain degree.

XxxxxxxxxX

Remus' fresh resolve to go back to his mission was heavily disappointed. As much as he tried to, he didn't get more information than before. The other werewolves never listened to him and now that his only supporter in the colony was dead, life became even worse. He longed for a place where he had friends and love, the Burrow or Tonks' flat. But he was determined to stay until his disguise was broken. Maybe some day he could be useful to the order. Or to the memory of Jordan.

Full moon after full moon passed and nothing happened. There was no information, no attacks, at least none that were known to Remus. The total lack of employment in the colony forced him to think on the other points of his last promise to a dead friend. He should be happy himself to prove that even as a werewolf, leading a satisfying life was possible. And with Tonks at his side it would surely be more than satisfying. That was to say, for him. For her it could only be the ruin of all her dreams and plans for the future. Being with a werewolf was hard enough on anyone, but Aurors certainly didn't keep their jobs when they associated with dark creatures. And in the colony was more than enough proof that this was exactly what he was: A dark creature, even a monster, not worth being cared for.

Remus was on the point of breaking his disguise himself out of sheer boredom, when the message arrived. He recognized the neat handwriting immediately. Nobody else would send him a message when he was staying among Greyback's pack.

_I need you in Hogwarts tomorrow night. I can't explain it more appropriately, you will be introduced in your task when you arrive. Be there before sunset._

Remus' felt relief flooding through him. Even if this wouldn't be the end of his task, it would be a nice change from living with the other werewolves. While those were outside planning on their next bloody full moons, Remus silently packed his things and prepared himself for his approaching departure.

XxxxxxxxxX

Tonks was sitting on her bed, asking herself what she ought to do when the owl knocked at her window. She jumped up and hurried over, letting the animal inside. When she released it of its load, she instantly recognized who sent this message. It was only a few weeks ago that she had last seen it, but she highly doubted that it would bring her the same relief as the last time. Even though she enfolded it carefully and started to read.

_I need you at Hogwarts tonight. Come as soon as your shift allows it. Minerva will explain it to you when you arrive._

A task at Hogwarts! She hadn't been in the castle since that horrible day when she feared Remus' death. It would be nice to see her old school without being in mortal fear for her beloved. Maybe she could even manage a nice chat with Minerva. There was always some new development in transfigurations and it had always been one of Tonks' best subjects. Surely Minerva wouldn't press her to talk about her problems with her non-existent relationship with Remus. Normally, it would be her shift tonight, but she was certain that Proudfoot or Savage would change shifts with her when she said that she was tired. After all, she had taken a lot of their shifts this year. Including Christmas, Silvester, Easter and several weekends.

XxxxxxxxxX

Tonks arrived early. She almost feared ending up in front of closed gates, considering the strict safety measures around the school. But to her surprise, a sulky Snape already waited for her.

"Oh, Miss Tonks. Punctual for the first time in our whole life, aren't we?"

"Shut it, Snape. I'm not in the mood to have this discussion with you tonight."

"I should have guessed it. Your patronus is so little impressive you surely miss Lupin horribly, aren't you?"

"Well, at least I'm not so very ashamed of it that I never use it to deliver messages, _Severus_."

"If you think you're hurting me with such a pathetic comment, I would have thought you could do better."

"As I already mentioned, I don't intend to have a dispute of any sort with you. I'm here to fulfil whatever task Albus gives me and nothing else."

"Are you sure? I heard Lupin shall be here as well."

For a moment, Tonks paled. He was here? But shouldn't he be with the pack? Should he have failed at his task, she certainly wouldn't give Snape the pleasure to tell her by asking him for reasons.

"So? And why should that distract me from my task?"

"We're playing the dumb one now, aren't we? I know what's going on. Your patronus can hardly be interpreted any other way."

"Even if it is so, it's none of your business. Concentrate on whatever you have to do and leave us others alone, Snape. There's no need to provoke me."

"There may be no need, but the pleasure of teasing."

"Whatever you're planning, it's not working. I won't respond to your words. I'm no longer your pupil and this is not a Potions class."

"If you say so."

She could judge by his sneer that he didn't believe her. But Tonks had never cared for his opinion and never would. Snape was just torturing others because his life was empty. Right now, she didn't want to play his little games. There were more important things.

XxxxxxxxxX

Remus was received far more friendly. On his arrival, Hagrid immediately opened the gates and let him in.

"Remus! Nice to see you! It's been a while!"

"Good to see you, too. How have things been at Hogwarts?"

"It's getting a bit dangerous now, but as long as we have Dumbledore... How have you been?"

"Not too good. I hope it'll get better soon. There's hardly any information in the pack."

Hagrid only nodded and continued his way up to the castle. He seemed to feel the tension in the air. It wasn't exactly a good sign that the headmaster wanted the order in school. So they kept on walking in mutual silence. When they arrived at the heavy front door, Hagrid wished him good luck and disappeared into the grounds. With a heavy heart, Remus entered the school for the first time in more than two years.

Inside, he was greeted by a merely enlightened darkness. He could distinguish the silhouettes of three bodies as he approached the Great Hall.

"Remus! We've been waiting for you! What kept you so long?"

Bill Weasley was beaming at him, whereas Minerva just gave him a small smile. The third person hid in the shadows a little further down the corridor.

"I had to be careful, in case I have to go back later. The pack is quite distrustful these days."

"Well, now that we are all assembled, it's time for me to explain our mission. The headmaster is leaving Hogwarts tonight, that's why he wants us for extra-protection. We shall patrol the corridors and check for signs of intruders. Should you discover something, sent me your patronus. We will divide in groups of two, for reasons of safety. Nymphadora, you accompany Remus, Bill, you follow me."

This said, she and Bill stepped into the Great Hall and left Remus behind, staring in shock at the person in the shadows.

"Good evening, Remus."

Nymphadora Tonks gracefully approached a few steps. She didn't trip once and as soon as she appeared in the small circle of light, Remus could see that she looked even worse than when he had last seen her. Her voice was quiet, almost shy, and all in all she was so unlike her former self he had to clear his thoughts by shaking his head before he managed an answer.

"Good evening, Tonks. I didn't know you would be here."

"Otherwise you probably would have asked Dumbledore to send for someone else."

"That's not true, you know that."

"As if you wouldn't do anything to avoid me. But now that we're here, I think it wiser to do our duty and start patrolling the corridors."

She turned around abruptly and started crossing the Great Hall.

"Wait! I think we should clear this first."

"I know your point. There's no need to talk about it. Let's just get this done."

"No, Tonks. We definitely need to talk about this."

"We don't. You don't want to be with me and that's it. I obviously can't change your mind and at least for today I won't bother trying. I'm not here to sort out my personal problems, but to protect the school."

With that, she took up speed and ignored him. Remus didn't know what to make of the situation. He hadn't expected her to act like this. But on the other hand she was right, they were here to do their duty as members of the Order of the Phoenix and he hadn't changed his mind about their being together. Although seeing her like this was sort of a shock. She looked so very thin and worn out he was anxious for her health. Could she really manage several hours in a row on her feet? She appeared to be close to unconsciousness. While he was musing about Tonks' state of health, he hardly watched the corridor as he should. If it hadn't been for her arm, he would have directly walked into the small group of people in front of them.

"What are you doing here?"

It took Remus a few seconds to recognize Ron, Ginny and Neville.

"We are watching the corridors. What are you doing here?"

"Dumbledore sent for us to do exactly the same. Which doesn't explain, why you are here."

"Harry wanted us to look out for – I don't even know for what. He just said that it was important and left with Dumbledore."

"Well, you should go back to bed. We're taking care of this, don't worry. I'm sure-"

But Tonks never got to say what she was sure of, because in this very moment, a cloud of utter darkness enveloped them.


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33**

**Confusion**

Panicking, Remus grabbed for Tonks' hand and pulled her back to him. He knew he had no right to do this, not with the 'conversation' they had just shared, but surrounded in a frightening darkness which they didn't know the source of made it impossible for him to keep himself in check. Somewhere in his spinning thoughts, he knew that she was an Auror and probably more capable than him to handle the situation, but there was this instinct that told him to get a grip on her and not let go until he knew nothing would happen to her. The warmth of her body against his soothed him enough to regain some spirits and take a step back.

"Is everyone all right?"

"Yes, nothing happened so far."

"What is this?"

"That's the Instant Darkness Powder Fred and George are importing from Peru. They should really take a little more care to who they sell their stuff!"

"Do you see that?"

"What?"

"Look, over there!"

Everyone's eyes followed Ginny's outstretched finger. It pointed directly to a dim silhouette, hardly recognizable.

"But what's that thing he holds in his hand?"

Tonks was right, the male shadow was carrying something in front of him.

"Harry was right all along! That has to be Malfoy. This thing looks like the Hand of Glory he once bought in Knockturn Alley. Would explain why he can see where he's going."

This seemed to be the right guess, as the shadow leading the others behind him seemed to know where to go without a failure.

"And what are we doing now? We obviously can't follow them without seeing anything. Ron, don't you know how to dissolve that powder?"

"Sorry, no idea. We could try _Lumos_."

So they tried every spell that would come to their minds, but none of them worked and the figures started to vanish out of their sight.

"Is there nothing we can do to stop them?"

"I wouldn't try to curse them. We don't see a single thing in this darkness, it's likely we're hitting ourselves. Has anyone an idea in which direction they are heading? I could send my Patronus to Minerva and Bill, maybe they can catch them."

"Bill is here?"

"Don't worry, Ginny, he's up to a fight with a sixth year and some Death Eaters."

"How do you know that those are Death Eaters?"

"Well, they didn't look much like pupils and who else would want to penetrate Hogwarts? I'm an Auror, after all. It's my job to know when there are Death Eaters right in front of me. But how did they get in here?"

"Well, they seemed to be coming out of the Room of Requirement."

Remus had enough of it. Now was not the time to discuss how the intruders had managed to enter the castle. They should do something to stop them and protect the children.

"I don't want to interrupt your musings, but shouldn't we go after them? Or at least inform the others?"

"Oh, right, yes. We can let them explain when we have them."

With one swift motion, Tonks pulled out her wand and sent it to her former Transfiguration teacher. Luckily, it was too dark for Remus to notice its new shape.

"And what now? We can't just stand around like that for the rest of the night."

"Well, we can try to get a little further and hope that this cloud will vanish soon."

Sighing heavily, Ginny started to walk in the direction she thought was right. She tried to follow the shadows, but they were already out of sight and it was hard to make out anything at all in the complete darkness. The others followed her hesitantly.

After a few more minutes, which seemed to turn into hours, the powder finally vanished and revealed the corridor. Disappointed, they had to notice that they hadn't come very far. To compensate for their slow progress, they now ran towards the steps as fast as they could, hoping that today, they wouldn't change directions.

At the same time, in another corridor, Minerva McGonagall just received an unpleasant message. A silvery wolf jumped in front of her, shaking his fur and speaking in Tonks' voice.

"Death Eaters on seventh floor. Can't follow them, seem to head downstairs."

Immediately, Minerva shouted at her companion to follow her and hurried off towards the Great Hall. Most of the stairs ended there sooner or later and who knew where the intruders wanted to go?It was worth a try, as they ignored their destination.

Bill and Minerva arrived just in time to see a couple of people disappear into the Entrance Hall. What did they search in the Entrance Hall? They certainly didn't invade Hogwarts just to leave it again. The professor ran after them at full speed, hoping to get there in time to prevent whatever they were planning. None of her pupils would get hurt under her protection!

Hurrying through the heavy doors, the two members of the Order of the Phoenix could finally see where their opponents were heading to. They crossed the hall in direction of the Astronomy Tower. Whatever their plan might looked like, there was no way they would let them carry it out! Sending curses after the group ahead of them, they continued running to catch up. A duel at distance was hard to manage, especially because they were definitely outnumbered.

As the first curses started to fly back, Tonks and Remus came finally rushing into the room, Ron, Ginny and Neville at their heels. They entered the battle immediately, which turned just as quickly into an awful mess of shouting and the lights of various curses. After stunning a Death Eater, Minerva drew back to send her Patronus to Filius. Her colleague should wake Snape, they could use the reinforcement. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to have the Charms professor on their side, too, but she wouldn't force a battle of the order on someone who wasn't in the organisation. Although Death Eaters in Hogwarts could also be considered as a matter of the teachers, trying to protect their school and their pupils.

Soon enough, they all lost sight of each other and the general state of the battle. Curses were flying everywhere and every single one of them was more than busied to dodge the ones coming their way. One of the Death Eaters, a big blond bloke, sent death curses in every direction, not caring if he hit his enemies or his own people. The children had mingled with the members of the order and there was still no sign of Snape. No one saw Neville getting hit by a curse in the farthest corner of the hall. Neither did someone pay attention to a wandless Bill being dragged into the very same corner by the infamous Greyback, who was craving for young blood. Hardly anyone had noticed the barrier at the end of the staircase which led to the Astronomy Tower and Neville's and Remus' attempts to get through it had been as successful as they had been remarked.

Suddenly, a familiar black cloak came rushing through the rows of fighting witches and wizards. On both sides there was a short rush of relief at seeing the reinforcement, as everyone thought the person on their side. But that rush didn't last more than a few seconds, then the battle regained force and was fought even more vigorously than before. There now was hope on either side, thinking themselves supported by the just arrived man. No one saw him passing the barriers and those who did didn't think of it, too busied with the battle.

The noises and lights didn't lessen when more Death Eaters disappeared through the said barrier. Bits of wall were crashing down on them, hit by the curses the blond Death Eater still sent flying. Before anyone got to stun him, one of his own spells rebounded and hit him square in the chest, leaving him dead. The fighters hardly noticed the people rushing through the hall, one of them Snape, pulling a pale blond boy with him, closely followed by the giggling Carrows and a furious Harry. Suddenly, the Death Eaters that were still left to fight in the Entrance Hall drew back and escaped their persecutors narrowly. The remaining members of the order and the D.A. were left behind to find their shattered friends in pools of blood, carefully carrying them up to the Hospital wing. Minerva sent another Patronus to warn Madame Pomfrey, so that she could get everything fixed for her patients. Hermione and Luna sent someone for Professor Flitwick, knowing him to lie injured in Snape's office. No one knew what this had to mean, but their heads were too tired from the battle to worry about it. Their first concern were the injured, at least for now.

XxxxxxxxxX

Once arrived in the Hospital wing, things got even more complicated and confused. Everyone seemed to be in the way as Madame Pomfrey bustled around the room to look after her patients or get some potions. Minerva had had to send another Patronus to the Weasleys, informing them about the attack on their son. Later on, she would have to send a message to Mrs. Longbottom, too. Minutes passed in complete silence. No one knew what to say, they all waited for Dumbledore to come back and explain that whole weird situation they were in. There had to be a solution to all of this. On the bed next to Bill's, Tonks swallowed down her relief that Remus was still alive. They had been so very close to losing each other. She had noticed more than one deadly curse going in his direction, hardly dodged in the heat of battle. For now, sitting next to him and revelling quietly in that wonderful feeling was more than enough.

All of a sudden, the door to the Hospital wing swung open and revealed a horrible-looking Harry. The shock that followed his revelations – Dumbledore dead, and Snape his murderer! - was almost palpable. For the very first time, even considering Sirius' death, Tonks saw her beloved breaking down. She didn't like the sight, but she didn't want to embarrass him in front of everyone else by coming up beside him, trying to comfort him. There was still too much relief in her, despite the most recent news, to provoke yet another rejection. Dumbledore's death would take time to really seep in. Tonks couldn't imagine a world without the wise headmaster, knowing almost everything and everyone. How were they supposed to go in without him as their leader? Who else would be able to figure Voldemort's plans out so easily? Before she had the time to ponder on that question, the door opened a second time and the Weasleys, accompanied by Bill's fiancée, Fleur Delacour, came rushing in. Quickly, Tonks jumped from her seat and made place for them. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Remus doing the same. So he was still in his senses, at least enough to keep on being the gentleman. Or maybe that behaviour was so deeply rooted in his personality that it came through despite the grief he was feeling.

Numbly, Tonks watched the fight between Molly and Fleur. From her long conversations with the former, Tonks knew that she disliked the idea of her son marrying such a vain girl. Tonks couldn't really judge her, never having talked to her more than a few words. By her looks, Molly could be right, though. But what she was witnessing now spoke for the opposite. Fleur was fighting for the man she loved, although he had been attacked by Greyback, scarred for the rest of his life, if not a werewolf himself. Something awoke inside of Tonks. A feeling she had missed for quite some time, now. Fury. That was it. Why could Fleur have what she would never get? Why didn't Remus get in his head how much she loved him and how little she cared what he was, as long as he was at her side? This scene had to remind him of them. Maybe it was her chance to get her point into his thick head. As long as his thoughts were too occupied with the horrible revelations to ponder on his usual excuses.

Gathering all her courage, Tonks turned to Remus and started the usual conversation. It didn't matter that all of the others could hear them. This was perhaps her only chance of getting to him and she wouldn't let it slip. As the arguments followed their usual path, Tonks' had to admit that things weren't going better than before. Although everyone was on her side and there was more than one comment to support her, Remus wouldn't give in. Frustration gnawed on her insides. With all that proof right in front of him, how could he still think love unable to conquer the odds of their own relationship? There had to be something else behind his poor arguments. Knowing that she wouldn't get anywhere right now, she let go of him and drew back. This time, something was different in the way she felt. She was used to his rejection, but this was not quite the same. Before she could get a grip on it, Hagrid burst in, delivering the news that he had just positioned Dumbledore's body where it belonged and breaking down in a fresh fit of sobs.


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34**

**Realizations**

Silence filled the room as Hagrid's sobs subsided. The noise that had filled her head quietened and Tonks was able to think again. She drew back in a corner far away from the others, where she wouldn't have to watch Fleur attending to Bill. It reminded her of old dreams, where she had cared for Remus' wounds after a full moon. Now it seemed very unlikely that this scenario should ever take place. He would never let her see him in so vulnerable a state. Taking a deep breath, Tonks decided to finally turn her attention on the hollow feeling inside of her. What was it? It was just another argument with Remus, nothing new. To be exact, he had made the same excuses as all the other times: too old, too poor, too dangerous. As if any of this would be of any interest for her! So why did it evoke such a different feeling?

Usually, Tonks felt fury or depression after such a conversation. She had had enough of them to know the state she should be in now. But, as it seemed, there was no way to get used to those disputes. This new feeling was numbing. It drained off all the energy she had left. The silence seemed to press on her ears and breathing became a little harder. What was it? What had caused it? Listening to her own shallow breathing, an idea came to Tonks. Maybe she was missing important information her subconscious had collected? There could have been something in his way of speaking, in his choice of words that betrayed a change of mind, perhaps for the worse. Why else should she feel so empty?

If she concentrated hard enough on the memory, maybe she would notice what her subconscious knew. She remembered his expression when he had spoken to her, the sound of his voice, the words he had used, everything. As hard as she tried to find something, there was no appreciable difference.

Then it hit her. Of course! Why hadn't she seen it earlier? Perhaps because all along, she hadn't wanted to see it. All those excuses, this avoiding and hiding. The truth was so simple Tonks nearly laughed at herself. Why couldn't she simply accept it? Remus didn't love her. He never had. No matter what she had told herself or interpreted in his looks, she had just been fooling herself. There was so much evidence and she had to make a fool of herself in front of everyone. She was furious at Remus for not telling her earlier, when they were alone. Of course he couldn't have told her now, with everyone watching them. He was far too polite to do anything alike. And in the Three Broomsticks it had been the same. Nobody had paid them any attention, but Remus was shy when it came to private matters and had probably felt too observed to voice it.

Doubts came flooding back to her mind. Hadn't she figured it out long ago? That she was the one who was unworthy, being childish and stupid and immature. Remus was so calm and skilled, always something witty to say. He had such a brilliant mind and wonderful, kind personality. Of course it was annoying that he was too kind to simply tell her that he didn't want her, but that was just him. That was the man she had fallen in love with. The one she would never get because he had never been interested in the first place. The night at her flat at Christmas didn't mean anything, after months of living with the pack he probably just had been lonely. And Molly's remarks had made him pity her. For an instant, Tonks was even a bit furious at Molly, but she pulled herself together quickly. It was not the fault of her friend that she was too stupid to see the signs. Maybe she was too young to judge accurately. Her imagination had made it look like Remus was in love with her and her hopelessly romantic soul had grabbed its chance.

The most prominent feeling in the mess her heart and soul had become over that new realization was shame. What a scene she had made! Remus had to feel so very embarrassed. There was this stupid little girl that was rambling about how much in love she was with him and he couldn't just tell her to go off and forget it. Because she was doing it in front of everyone else and he wanted to safe her the humiliation of a full rejection. Tonks felt horrible. Shame and guilt. Fury and disappointment. Hopelessness and depression. Fear. All those emotions were fighting for predominance. Dumbledore's death, Sirius' death, Remus breaking down, Harry all alone, Hogwarts attacked and almost in ruins without a headmaster, Hagrid still shaking madly with suppressed sobs, Fleur's silent tears over her shattered fiancé, Molly for the first time hugging her future daughter-in-law, the final rejection. Event after event breaking down on her, some positive, most negative, but all very emotional. She didn't know what to feel any more. Before she could get a grip on herself, tears were cascading down her own cheeks. Tonks quickly turned to the window. There was enough pain and grief without anyone noticing her crying. Moody would scold her for being so selfish and letting her guard down.

The night passed on and the silence pressed heavier on Tonks' ears with every minute she was spending in the same room as Remus. Finally, she couldn't take it any more. She rose from her chair and headed to the doors of the Hospital wing, hoping to let all those frightening emotions behind. Everyone's eyes were on her as she crossed the room, but she didn't care any longer. Should they think whatever they wanted to think. Her mind was empty and so was her soul. She didn't look at Remus and for once, she didn't even feel the urge to do so. Now was not the time to see her assumptions proved.

XxxxxxxxxX

When the door closed behind Tonks' parting figure, Remus' allowed himself to cringe slightly. This had been quite ugly. After their meeting in the Entrance Hall he hadn't expected her to mention their relationship. But when he had watched Molly and Fleur arguing over Bill's ruined face, he had known what was coming. It had been a hard fight, the more because everyone seemed to be on her side. No one wanted to understand that he was just trying to protect her. They were her friends, after all, they couldn't wish for her to live a life in misery just because of him. In time, she would get over him and find someone else. Someone worthier who could give her all the things a woman like her deserved. Expensive little gifts to show his attention and love, a cosy home, holidays in exotic countries, a family. Lots of children. He could imagine Tonks as a mother, she would make a good job. The child would have lots of fun with a mother who would be changing her hair all the time for it. She wouldn't have the heart to stop, even if she would be tired after a while. That was just Tonks. She had too loving a heart to disappoint someone she truly loved.

Something inside of him awoke. He had just admitted it to himself, hadn't he? She had a truly loving heart, he had never seen the likes of it. Not even James had been more generous than Tonks. She shared her love and cheerfulness with everyone, making the world better with the light that was her presence. That was what he had fallen in love with. Her heart was so good it was even more beautiful than her amazing face. Her soul was sparkling with life, so full of energy it caused everyone to hope in the middle of desperation and war. That was what she had used to be. And this wonderful, truly amazing, unique woman had fallen in love with him, poured her heart out in front of him, begged him practically on her knees to be hers. She had waited patiently for two years, never changed her mind but always pleaded with him to accept her and her feelings. While he had been wallowing in self-pity, she had tried to pick up the pieces of her broken heart and fight for her love.

What made him think she would change her mind? What made him think the woman he had grown to love would be satisfied with the love of some rich guy her age, living in luxury and with a bunch of kids raised by a housekeeper? No. Tonks needed to fight. Fighting was part of her being. He could rather imagine her living on the streets and share with the beggars and prostitutes than sitting in a villa with a butler to serve all her wishes, clad in an expensive dress. What he was wishing for her was not what her character would ever allow. She had chosen to feel true love for him, to devote herself to someone without money, dangerous and thirteen years older. Maybe she hadn't chosen it, but that's what she had done. In his mind he saw his own shabby apartment, her on the couch, their two little children on her knees, changing her hair for them, with him in the worn chair, watching them while sipping his tea after a harsh transformation. It was an utopian picture, but she fitted in so very well. Not just because he wanted her to fit in. But because she was Nymphadora Tonks. The one woman he knew who could live with a werewolf and be more than satisfied with her choice. For the rest of her life. Because, as spontaneous as her character might was, her affections were steady. And love was the strongest affection there was.

Shaking out of his reverie, Remus noticed Molly approaching him.

"Remus, dear, we need to talk. I can't believe you did that again."

"This is none of your business, Molly. I don't think I could do that to her."

"Do what? Bring her back to herself, make her happy? What's so difficult about that?"

"I can't imagine I could make her happy, Molly."

Okay, that was a lie. But just because he could imagine it didn't mean he would be up to turn it into reality.

"You already succeeded in making her unhappy, why not trying if you can achieve the opposite? Please, Remus, give her a chance. She has been depressed all these months while you were away. You don't know what you have done to her. She is so very thin. You should have seen her a few days after you said your goodbyes at the station. I thought she was going to die right on the spot."

"And don't forget the day she turned up in Hogwarts. She left her post because she had heard some rumours about a dead werewolf in the colony and came rushing up to ask Dumbledore about it. She looked as if she was about to jump from the Gryffindor Tower. Remus, give her a chance. I know Nymphadora. I have been teaching her for years. There is not a more loyal person in the world."

Minerva had joined in and was staring him down with her cat-like eyes.

"Really, we should worry about more important things. Dumbledore is dead and we have to search new headquarters now that Snape has come out a traitor-"

"Remus, just shut up."

Everyone turned to Molly, eyes wide, mouths opened.

"Sorry about that. But I had to get your attention. Now listen to me. I know true love when I see it. And Tonks loves you. She truly does. I've seen her suffer enough because of you. So if you feel even the slightest bit of love for that girl, get out of here and follow her. Tell her. Stop her suffering. She deserves better than being reduced to a shell of herself. And if you dare to mention any other problems before this one is solved properly, I'll hex you into next week and back. Have I been clear enough?"

Feeling like a little kid, Remus nodded. He hadn't been lectured like that since he had left Hogwarts. But probably that's what it had needed to wake him up. He had figured it out on his own by now, but someone had to tell him to make it real. Obediently, Remus headed for the door and into the dark corridors of the castle, hoping to find his love before she was too far gone for him to make up for his mistakes.

XxxxxxxxxX

Not knowing where her feet carried her, Tonks just walked on. She didn't care. Remus didn't love her and there was nothing she could imagine that would matter right now. How was she to go on? Her only hope had contained of his love for her, and now she had had to find out that it was nothing but work of her fantasy. She didn't even want consolation. No Giovanni and no loving parent could make it any better or easier to bear. She would have to live with it. Her chances of making him fall in love with her were little. There was a war going on and even if they would both survive, he still was Remus. He would never accept her love, being too noble to even consider loving her back. There was no light at the end of her way. All she could do was fight for her cause and hope that she would be dying on the battlefield, like a proud Auror should wish to. It was how Mad-Eye would love to part from this world, so why shouldn't she want this, too?

Hopelessness and the chilly night air made her limbs stiff, so she decided it was time for a little rest before she would go home. All alone, like every night. Looking up, she noticed she had made it onto the grounds. She could make out the smouldering ruins of Hagrid's little hut. For the first time sicne her Hogwarts' days, the Forbidden Forest looked tempting. Why not taking a little risk? Tonight, even the dark creatures would restrain from routine. The headmaster was dead and he had been important enough to have respect paid by every being on the grounds of Hogwarts, as well as in the castle itself. Taking a shuddering breath, she entered the dark wood and walked for a while. She almost stumbled over a little clearing with a stump in its middle. Tired, she decided to take a seat and calm her spinning thoughts and screaming emotions. It was senseless to ponder about her relationship with Remus, so she decided to concentrate on the order and what to do next.

Remus ran like he had never run before. If he wanted to know where she was going, he would have to catch up with her. At least enough to guess her direction. When he passed one of the windows, he saw a silhouette approaching the Forbidden Forest in the dim light of dawn, he instantly knew where he had to go. No one else would enter the forest in such a situation. Tonks went her own ways. Smiling, Remus hurried down the rest of the stairs.

Tonks was lost in her musings when she heard footsteps approaching her hiding place. They were definitely human. Her head jerked up just in time to see Remus stepping out of the wood.

"I see you like to spend your time where dark creatures are about."

"It's not like it's dangerous right now. They have too much respect for Dumbledore."

"I wouldn't be so sure of it. Lately, even Hagrid had had problems with some of its inhabitants."

"It's nice of you to try to protect me, but you've been doing enough of this lately. You don't have to stay here because of me. I'm perfectly safe."

"I would be much less worried if you would leave the forest, though."

"Remus, you don't have to do this. Just go back to the others. With Dumbledore dead there's much to plan and you're better at this than me. They'll need you up there."

"There is no planning, at least not for today. And I most certainly won't let you stay in this forest. You have to be exhausted. You should go home and rest a little."

"I don't feel like resting. I don't mind sitting here a little longer. As I said, you can go back."

"I don't want to go back, Tonks."

For the first time in the course of their conversation, Tonks looked up from the floor and into his eyes.

"Why not?"

"Why should I?"

"After that scene in the Hospital wing... I'm truly sorry, Remus. I shouldn't have said that. Especially not in front of all the others. Now everyone know about it and I'm sure they'll press you quite a lot. Sorry. I never meant to embarrass you like that."

"Well, I won't lie to you, it's been a little bit awkward at the time, but embarrassing is a harsh word..."

"No, Remus. Don't try to talk me out of it. I should have seen it earlier. You just tried to be polite and I made things so much harder for you."

"Now I really don't know what you're talking of."

"That's really kind of you, but the time for playing is over. We're at a war and everyone needs to know what they're at. It's very nice of you that you didn't want to humiliate me up there, but now there's no one else to listen. You can say it."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't play the daft, Remus. Your real reason. Just get over with it. Say it."

"I've already told you why I don't think it a good idea for us to be together."

"Not that. If you won't do it, then it's my turn. We should stop beating around the bush. You don't love me. You've just been too kind to tell me, probably because you didn't want to hurt my feelings. But your silence has made it worse, Remus. I'm feeling so very stupid for my behaviour, now. Had you just told me I would have spared you that horrible scene."

"I've never said-"

"Stop lying to me! That you've never said it is just the problem! Now I've made a fool out of myself for nothing at all."

"You didn't make a fool out of yourself. It was a little spontaneous, but everyone sided with you."

"Just because they didn't know how you are feeling. I didn't know it myself. I'm really sorry. I promise, I won't bother you any more if you just say it. I need to hear it. A clean cut, so to say."

"I won't say it, Tonks."

"Please. Just this one favour. I truly need that. It's hard enough to go on as it is. I don't want to make this harder on you, so just say it."

"I should have been more careful with my choice of words. I didn't mean to say that I won't do it. Well, partly I did, but mostly I wanted to say that I can't do it."

"Why not?"

"Because it would be a lie. I love you. I'm sorry for having pushed you so far away that you don't believe in my love any more, but I saw no other way. I just wanted to protect you. I'm sorry. If I can make it up somehow, just tell me."

"If you really love me, tell me all your reasons. Not just the lame ones. Otherwise I'll believe that Molly and the others have used an _Imperius _on you."

"Well, I- That's not very flattering, I know, but- I guess I've just been afraid. Afraid that if I let you in, one day you would wake up and regret everything and just leave. Living with a werewolf is not easy."

"And you silly old man really believed that I would just walk away? Without as much as a word? I love you, Remus. If you know the meaning of the word, I would love to have you believing me. I mean it."

"I know, I guess. You– you would warn me, right? If it gets too much or-"

He was silenced effectively in mid-sentence by a passionate kiss.

"Let's just say that I'll never leave you, so you don't have to finish this sentence."

A bit insecure, Remus nodded. This was the first time he had to fight the other way round. Usually, he fought his heart and soul longing for Tonks and supported his mind that was convinced of the impossibility of a relationship between the two of them. Now he had to fight the doubts and listen to what the rest of him beheld as right. And there were many doubts. Not just about their future, but even about the present. What were they to do now? Taking this slow, after such a hard path to get there? His body urged him to do something about their just declared love, but first they were in the middle of a forest full of creatures even more dangerous than himself and second he didn't know if this wouldn't be too rushed. There was so much they should talk about. It was certainly easier to give in to his desires, but he was used to listen to his mind. Before he could decide which argument would win this interior battle, Tonks caught his wrist and pulled him with her.

"Where are we going?"

"Well, first of all leaving that forest. Then probably apparating to my apartment, if you don't prefer yours."

"I don't know..."

"Stop worrying, Remus. You can decide when we're there. I won't rape you if you want to wait. Although I have to mention that we could be killed any moment and that it would be quite a waste of time..."

He turned her around and pulled her to him, silencing her grinning mouth with his own hungry lips. She was right, there was no reason to wait. This should have happened long ago, it was the exact opposite of rushing into something. Passion came natural to them and it meant something, seeing that Remus was more of the calm type. He had thought himself in love more than once, but even in his younger years at Hogwarts he hadn't felt quite like this. He couldn't keep his hands off her. Now that he had her, he needed to touch her, exploring her beautiful back with his hands, beneath her shirt, torn in places, probably due to the battle. The thought of how close they had been to death deepened the urge. His stubbornness would have robbed them off this. He had to catch up, she as well.

Before he could go any further, Tonks pushed him away. Her breathing was heavy and her eyes dark with lust. He wanted to take her right then.

"As much as I'd love to continue this, we're still in the middle of the Forbidden Forest. Maybe we should head home first."

He liked the sound of home and we in one sentence, especially out of her mouth.

"Didn't you say it's not dangerous today?"

"Well, I just said this because I wanted to get rid of you to be a little more in danger, perhaps being lucky enough to be eaten by something. I don't want some giant spiders watching us."

"You wanted to be eaten by something?"

"Not really. I just needed to go there. My mind had been too empty to think of anything else. Though you hardly know this problem, it's depressing to think that the person you love doesn't love you back."

"I know the problem, although you told me quite often. That I had problems believing you was one of the reasons for such a long separation. And it's even more depressing to love someone as much as I love you and be convinced that it's impossible to get together."

"Well, then let's prove me that we can. In my apartment."

Grinning broadly, pink hair back on and the circles beneath her eyes a little less dark, Tonks pulled him toward the gates of Hogwarts.

_My dear readers,_

_Please don't hate me at this point. I certainly won't leave it at that. Just a little cliffhanger so that you keep on reading (and commenting, or elsewise I may leave it at that and they just wake up the next morning. Though it would be a waste of rating and rather cruel). Relax, lean back and wait for the next chapter. Thank you for all the nice comments,_

_galindaby_


	35. Chapter 35

_Sorry for the delay, I had a lot of exams these last two weeks (history, biology and what not) and was practically learning all the time. Now the story will go on a little faster again, at least I hope so. With Christmas and everything there will be a lot of stress, too, but I'll see what I can do :)_

**Chapter 35**

**Whole**

The harsh wind blowing in his face didn't do anything to clear his mind. Tonks was still pulling him over Hogwarts' grounds, towards the gate. Her presence seemed to shut his brain down effectively, now that he finally allowed himself the luxury of it. Remus had problems following her, he was far too caught up in amazement at the turnings this night had taken.

"You don't mind heading for my place, right? We could go to your apartment as well, if you want."

"No, it's all right. Better we go to yours, mine is not really, well, impressing."

"Mine neither. For now, it's just a room in the Three Broomsticks. I gave up my apartment. Now that Dumbledore is dead, I assume that they won't station us here any longer, what means I will have to look for something else soon enough."

She swallowed hard at the mention of Dumbledore, but shot Remus a hopeful glance at the end of her sentence. He didn't dare to answer anything. Her moving in with him right now would be really rushed. They hadn't even tried how things were between them when he actually stopped fighting his feelings. And moreover she shouldn't have to live in his shabby apartment, she should search herself something better. Separated flats would be best for the beginning.

"Well, eh, so what changed your mind?"

"Sorry, what?"

Tonks seemed a little embarrassed at her boldness and tried desperately to change the subject, but Remus hadn't been listening to her, caught in his own musings about the propriety of moving in together after one night.

"I wanted to know why you changed your mind so suddenly. I mean, one minute you're telling me that we could never be together and the next you follow me into the forest and tell me that you love me. Not that I mind the latter part, I just want to know why."

"Curiosity killed the cat."

"Very funny. Really, I'm not expecting a horribly romantic declaration how you were overcome by your endless love for me upon my leaving the Hospital wing. I just want the truth."

"It's not exactly flattering..."

"Oh, come on, Remus. You can tell me. I bet Molly pushed you, right?"

"Yes, she did. And she wasn't the only one. But I guess I noticed myself how very unfitting my hopes for your future were. You wouldn't want to live in some sort of palace with a butler and many expensive gifts, would you?"

"Of course not! And that's why you kept denying our love? Because you thought I should live in a palace with some stupid git who doesn't even get off his arse to protect his family, his country? Yeah, that would just be the right one for me. Really, Remus, I thought you'd know me better."

"I sort of came to the conclusion that this is not entirely your style of life."

"So to say. But now I'm really interested. What did Molly and Minerva say to make you come after me?"

Remus' face fell. What they had said had been quite harsh and he hoped that it was exaggerated. He wasn't sure if he should ruin the moment by asking her.

"Remus. Tell me. Please. It can't be too horrendous, or it wouldn't have such a happy ending to it."

"Well, I... Molly mentioned what you were like when I turned you down at King's Cross and Minerva said something about leaving your post and searching for Dumbledore because of some rumours about a dead werewolf in the colony..."

"Oh, that. Well, it wouldn't interest you, I'm sure. So what was about that werewolf?"

"Tonks, are you trying to change the subject again?"

"Indeed. It's nothing I would particularly like to talk about and believe me, you wouldn't want to know. Your mission is much more interesting and important, I missed out on most of it, so you can tell me now."

"Why did you miss out on most of it? Weren't my reports treated in the meetings?"

"They were. As I said, I don't want to talk about it. So, now what was about him?"

"That's nothing I want to talk about. I'm way more interested why Molly and Minerva would mention it in such strong words as they have chosen and why you keep avoiding the topic."

"I don't want to say it. We didn't even spend the night and if I tell you, we probably never will."

"And why should that be?"

"Because either you would run away screaming because it's too much or you would feel guilty. And I want neither of it."

"I won't let you down now, Tonks, believe me. You don't have to be afraid that I would leave you."

"For now. Besides, you keep avoiding the topic I asked about, too."

"I'll stay for good, Tonks. I know it will take some time to believe me, but I will. And for the topic I keep avoiding... It's just been too painful and it still hurts. I don't want to dwell on all the tragedies. Tonight, I just want to be with you."

"Same for me. So what about doing the talking tomorrow, when the bad dark world closes back in on us and just live in the present?"

"I don't mind. Though I would like to do some talking, just avoiding all the sad and threatening themes."

"Well, then we would have to cut out the whole last year for now."

She smiled softly at him and Remus felt back home. Tonks understood. And she was still there. So many were gone, but she was here, with him. There was nothing he could be more grateful for. Right in front of the gates, he pulled her to him once more and kissed her softly. She seemed surprised at this sudden act of tenderness.

"Don't take that as a complaint, but what was that for?"

"Because I love you. You don't know how grateful I am that I'm finally here with you."

"Me, too. Don't think it's not the greatest relief I have ever felt. To finally have you at my side. Where you will hopefully stay."

"I will, Nymphadora."

"You're not really starting to call me that, right?"

"Why not? Tonks sounds a little, well, impersonal now that we're..."

"That we're what, Mr. Lupin?"

"Now that we're a couple, Miss Tonks."

"I like the sound of it. But as much as I adore being able to talk to you and hearing you say how much you love me, I think we should get to my apartment. It's getting a bit fresh."

Remus smiled at her and together they left through the gates. Tonks closed them with her wand and they apparated to the Three Broomsticks. She tightened the grip on his hand.

"I hope we can get by without Madame Rosmerta seeing us. Poor woman, Dumbledore's death must have been hard on her. I can't stand more people crying tonight."

Remus didn't know what to reply to this, so he just took her head and led her into the dark room. Rosmerta had to be sleeping for she wasn't there, so they carefully climbed the stairs not to disturb her in whatever it was she was doing. Up at her room, there was an awkward silence when Tonks fumbled with the locks, but she finally managed to break all the spells and enter first, stepping aside to let Remus in. As the door fell shut behind him, the room filled with light. Tonks tucked her wand back into the pocket of her cloak and hung it next to the door. Remus felt he should do the same and followed her example. In the meanwhile Tonks sat back on her couch and carefully caressed the soft material.

"I still remember quite vividly what this couch was involved in the last time you were here."

She didn't look up at him and he knew this was just as difficult for her. They hadn't met since Christmas and now all the former rules were upside-down. Now there would be no pulling back, but even though it was far more difficult than he had expected. The last time had been accidental. He had never meant to almost sleep with her on that couch. He had just needed to see her and then his desire had overcome him. Now was different. What if he saw that picture again? Him after a transformation, her blood on his hands? How would he be able to continue? It would be even more awkward if they would have a try and he would have to admit that he couldn't do it because that dream kept haunting him.

"You don't have to stand there. You can sit down."

Tonks looked up and smiled at him, obviously unsettled by his strange behaviour and the oppressive silence in the room.

"Of course."

Slowly, he approached her and sat down. He didn't dare get to close, but he didn't want to hurt her by sitting too far away, either.

"Remus, what is it? You're so strange. Is something the matter? I can make you a tea, if you want one. It's been a hard battle. There's nothing you have to do, you know. Everything takes its time. I can wait, if you want me to."

He didn't know what to say to that. She was so sweet and innocent. Still believing a tea could solve the problem. How did it come that he was allowed to sit so close to such a pure creature?

"Remus?"

"I don't think a tea would be helpful."

"Do you want something else? Whatever it is, just say it. I'll see what I can do."

He rose his eyes from the spot on the table they had been fixing up until now and met her sincere gaze. She truly wanted to make him comfortable at any rate and was worried that he was feeling uneasy around her. Her amazingly blue eyes said 'I'd do anything, please' and for the first time in his life, he believed it. That beautiful, stunning woman next to him would do anything for him, no matter what he was, no matter what he did. He was nothing but an old werewolf without a job who had pushed her away for more than a year and she sat there and begged him to tell her what she could do to make his life better. Did she even know what she did for him by just existing, by feeling the way she did? By making him, as unworthy as he was by nature and past, the luckiest man on this world? Still amazed at her very presence, he carefully and tenderly took her face in his hands and kissed her soft lips. He was torn between the wish to get lost in those beautiful eyes and the need to taste her wonderful lips on his, to explore her warm mouth. Had there been a battle? Had their leader in these bad times just died? Was the world torn in war? Remus didn't know. He didn't care. There was beauty in this life and he needed to experience it as much as he could before facing the next wave of darkness that flooded his life. He needed at least the memory of being with her, if not more so the moment.

Slowly but steadily, his hands undid what buttons there were and piece by piece, her clothes ended up on the floor next to the couch. His followed short after, removed by much shakier hands, though not less desirous. Naked, he rose from the couch and looked down at her. A couch was not the place for this. Not tonight. This was more. This was not about passion. Tonight was about making up for missed time. A lot of missed time. It was a slow process, not a rushed act. Carefully, he took her in his arms and carried her to the bed. Her hands were in his neck, playing with his hair. Despite his age his condition had never allowed him much experience with women, and Remus knew that at this point, he usually started getting nervous. He wanted everything to be perfect, what mostly resulted in the opposite. But with Tonks, he knew that there was no wrong and no right. He didn't have to be afraid because they were meant to be and it was in every single movement, in every kiss, every touch. It was in the air, singing the sweetest melody of love he had ever heard. There was nothing but acceptance, inside, outside, everything. Tonks adored his looks, loved the warrior inside of him, the kind, loving human heart and tamed the wolf to a purring cat. She united his fighting pieces, ended the battle within between his heart and his mind. Remus was perfectly whole and safe. Tonks was his salvation. And he was hers. Her heart didn't ache any more, the tension and anxiety fell from her. She was safe in his arms, as he was in hers. Maybe it was unlikely, but it fitted nonetheless.

He laid her down on the mattress and positioned himself on top of her. He bent down to kiss her and there was no picture of death of any sort flashing in his mind. But something was missing that had been in the picture, he noticed. It didn't take long to figure it out.

"Dora?"

The nickname just dropped from his lips. It had been what he used to call her in his more peaceful dreams and more optimistic thoughts. After all, Nymphadora was quite a long name indeed.

"Remus?"

"You don't have to, if you don't want, it's just... Well, if you don't mind, I'd prefer your natural state for this."

"So pink's not your thing, eh?"

She was shooting him a grin, but he could sense that she was nervous.

"You don't have to. I just... Well, it would mean being closer to you, as you really are. It's not that I don't like how you look now..."

There was a snort and suddenly there were silky black curls splayed on the pillow and the most glowing blue eyes he had ever seen looking up at him.

"Feeling better now?"

Tonks' expression was playful and it suited her true face so much that even Remus found himself at a lack of words for a few moments.

"Much better."

He bent down again to kiss her. When he withdraw for air, they locked eyes.

"I think there's something I got to tell you before we do this."

"Go ahead."

"Well, I... I haven't exactly done this before... I guess you could say I'm a virgin. I thought it might interest you."

"It certainly does. You're not afraid, are you?"

"No."

Her answer was genuine and Remus knew it wouldn't change a thing, except that he would be even more careful than he had planned on initially. He entered her carefully and stopped immediately whenever she was flinching. He hated to cause her pain, but he knew she would not listen to him. As long as she was sure that this was what she wanted, he would no longer pull away. Moreover, if it was not him, some other lucky fellow might once do this to her. It was natural, after all, and unavoidable but in a life of abstinence. So he tried to ignore his doubtful mind and soon they had found their pace. He went over the edge shortly after her, crying her name - well, the short form. As they lay next to each other, Tonks turned to look at him.

"Why exactly are you calling me Dora?"

"Do you mind? I thought it a little shorter than Nymphadora and considering that you don't like your name anyway..."

"I think it sounds sweet. Especially from you."

"Well, thanks."

She laughed quietly and rested her head on his chest.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not really up to talking now. I'm so horribly tired. Do you mind if I fall asleep?"

"Not at all. It's been a tough night."

With a sigh, she inched even closer and soon her breathing became more even. Sleep was not so generous with Remus. But for the first time in months, he didn't mind. He could look at his Dora for ages, and sleep made her appear so much more peaceful and rested than she was these days. There were still dark circles beneath her eyes and she was paler than could be healthy and a little thin, but she was Tonks and she was in his arms, sleeping peacefully on his chest. He knew that not little of this was probably his fault and he swore to himself to make up for it. He would treat her like a princess. Whatever she wanted she should have, if he could give it to her. He supposed he would have acted this way anyway but due to his stubbornness he didn't know for sure, so he just promised to do what was in his powers. It might not be much by means of material things, but he had all of his attention and love to give her. He would no longer keep them to himself. Finally, sleep also came to him and it brought the sweetest dreams he had had in a while.


	36. Chapter 36

**Chapter 36**

**Of Questions and Doubts**

The first rays of sunlight fell through the window. They gently caressed Tonks' face and ended her light sleep. The first things that came to her mind were anything but agreeable. Dumbledore's death, the scene in the Hospital wing, Hagrid's crying... But then she felt the soothing heartbeat beneath her ear, the steady breathing of one certain Remus Lupin. It calmed her down. Though it still seemed rather despiteous that the world would show all its beauty so shortly after the death of the greatest, kindest wizard of all times, Tonks felt that everything could become all right again, one day. As long as that heart continued beating, there would always be hope for the future within her. Carefully, as not to wake her beloved, she turned in his arms and placed a soft kiss on his scarred chest. It reminded her of the dreadful encounter Bill had had with Greyback last night. And not only Bill. Though Remus had never told her about it, she knew that Greyback had been the one who had turned him into a werewolf. It could be called intuition, but she just knew. Besides, who else was so very cruel to bite an innocent child? Even the ferals had a certain perception of honour and pity, none of them would bite a child, no matter what his parents might have done or if they opposed Voldemort's tyrancy.

While Tonks' thoughts followed their train, Remus started to wake up. His thoughts also turned to the less agreeable events of the previous night, before they caught up with the reality and warmth of Nymphadora Tonks lying in his arms. All of that last night returned to him and he looked down at her tenderly. It had been more than he had expected. Not just sound proof that everything between them fitted perfectly, but a deep connection. He had been doing the right thing by finally following her. That feeling of being perfectly whole and safe could not be explained otherwise. An inner peace filled him from head to toe. He was completely accepted by the one person whose opinion actually mattered. Never since that horrible day so many years ago, when the ferocious Greyback had sunk his teeth in his still innocent flesh had he felt so tranquilized, so content with himself. There had always been a part of him which reminded constantly of his condition. It had weighed upon his soul from his early youth on. Where other children had dreams and thought about their seemingly unlimited prospects, Remus had known exactly that there were none for him. Going to Hogwarts, being able to attend the school of his dreams, had been the highest of feelings. He had hoped elsewise, but he had known all along that there would be nothing more for him. No woman at his side, no job he could keep. Nobody wanted a werewolf.

His friends. James, Sirius, Lily. They had been different. They had wanted his company, but he still had known that it wasn't quite the same. There would never be someone who would be willing to accept him as more than a good friend. What woman would be so out of her mind to be with a werewolf, not to mention marrying him? This had been one of the points that nearly caused him to give up. What else was there for him? Despite his tiny chances, he had always been a romantic. He had wanted a wife, children, true happiness. He had imagined the woman he would once love so much it hurt, had imagined to make her his queen. Although it had appeared impossible, those wishes were still there, had survived all those years of loneliness and the worst of treatments. But as much as he had imagined it, dreamed about it, he had never seen her coming. Tonks. She was beautiful, colourful, lovely, strong, the true queen of his heart. She had it all and still she willingly devoted all her love to him and him alone. No fantasy could compete with his newfound reality. His mind still drifting in a cloud of peacefulness and satisfaction, he drew lazy circles on her back. The contact with her bare skin nearly drove him mad. Suddenly, her heard jerked up.

"Since when have you been awake?"

"Not long. And you?"

"A little longer, I suppose. Why didn't you say something? I was pondering about all those dreadful things when you could have distracted me so very effectively..."

He smiled and kissed her softly.

"Isn't it a bit early for such thoughts, Miss Tonks?"

"It's never too early. With a war going on in front of our door..."

They kissed again. True, it was a new day, but none of them was ready to surrender to the dark reality yet.

"So, up to another go?"

"Always, my love."

It didn't take long until their bodies almost fused. The rhythmic movement chased the dark thoughts out of their heads, the connection between them, both physical and emotional, eased the pain of last night and the torture their future could become. Release came flooding back to them once more in what seemed to be no time at all and they lay next to each other, the sheets soaked with sweat and the whole room glowing with them in their bliss. Remus didn't dare to turn his head in case he was just dreaming and the tiniest movement could wake him again. So he just patted down the sheets until he found his lover's hand and entwined their fingers.

For a while, they just lay like that, in peaceful silence. No one wanted to be speaking first, breaking the magic between them. But eventually, one of them had to and finally it was Tonks who raised her voice first.

"I know it'll most probably ruin everything, but I just need to know. Will you tell me what happened in the colony?"

"Will you tell me what Minerva and Molly aimed at?"

"Well, you go first. Maybe it doesn't sound so pitiable any more when you're done."

As much as he wanted to, Remus still didn't dare to look at her directly. Out of the corner of his eye he could see that she was slightly squirming at the mention. He decided to obey to her wish, just to make her feel more at ease.

"Well, as you can tell it wasn't me who died that night. It rather was my only friend in the colony. Do you remember the day we visited Arthur in St. Mungo's with the children? The werewolf that lay in the same room?"

He felt her nod more than he saw it.

"I met him when I started my assignment. He had lost his wife and children due to his lycantrophy, so there was no alternative for him but to stay in the colony. He didn't like their goings, but he saw no other way. It was his merit that I had been able to escape the colony for the first time without drawing attention on me. And it was him who died in my place and did so willingly."

"What do you mean, he died in your place?"

"There were rumours about a spy in the colony. The others were lusting for blood. They draw the wrong conclusions, they thought him the guilty one. He never said or did anything to convince them of his innocence. It would have been pretty easy to turn me in, I was second on the list. But he didn't. Instead he told me to prove that a werewolf can lead a different life, a good one. He told me to stay on the right side and to be the happiest I can possibly get – as a proof of how wrong Greyback's speeches actually are."

"Sounds like someone I would have liked to meet."

"I'm sure you'd have. And I'm starting to think that he was right in all his points."

"I'm convinced he was. Does... Does the fact that he was first on the list have anything to do with the state you were in when I met you here in Hogsmeade?"

"We were faking a fight. We had to make it look real, otherwise it wouldn't have worked. I was supposed to be the one losing, so that I could get out of the colony without anyone following me. His winning rose his status in the hierarchy, that's what made him suspicious."

"I'm sorry. For him. I can't say I'm sorry that someone else died in your place, that would be a lie. I never felt that much relief, actually."

Now he had to turn to her. There were tears rolling down her cheek. Remus carefully reached out and stroked her face with his thumb, catching some tears at the same time. Tonks moved her head enough to look into his eyes.

"I know that I must sound cruel to you..."

"It's okay, love. Just tell me. I want to know."

He smiled at her, trying to reassure. He truly wanted to know the truth, to learn what Molly and Minerva had meant with their stinging comments. Had they been exaggerating for his own good? Or was there something else? Something important he should know?

"I... I know it sounds truly pathetic, but.. You wanted me to tell you what Molly and Minerva meant. The conversation leads more to the latter, but I think I should start with the beginning nonetheless."

Her smile was weak, but he knew that she would go on and so he just held her hand a little tighter and waited for the words to come back to her.

"After you left me standing there at King's Cross... I didn't know what to do. My world was shattered. I never loved someone, at least not that way. I knew that my feelings were true and not removable. There would be no one else. And you had sounded like you would never give me a chance, as if you didn't believe my words. I was desperate. I couldn't even think of moving on, in no meaning of the word. I'm not proud of it, but for a good weak or so I just lay in my bed, not moving, not answering the door when someone came over and knocked, not eating or drinking or even taking a shower or a bath. I couldn't look into a mirror, I had no control over my morphing and I didn't want to see my depressing face. If it hadn't been for Molly's insistence... I just wanted to die, to come to an end. She shook me out of it. For weeks, maybe even months, it's hard to recall, I didn't talk to my parents or to my friends. I only confided in Molly and it already took all my strength to do so. Being stationed in Hogsmeade served me as an excuse not to to talk about my feelings to anyone, pretending I was busy when really I was just patrolling empty streets, pondering about you. When I actually talked to someone, I hardly told half of what I was truly thinking or I lied right away. It needed the incident at Christmas to shake me out of that. I was still numb, I was until yesterday night, but it was better. I finally spoke to my friends, to my father. I returned to the Burrow more often. I took a part in life, even if it was a tiny one. And then..."

The flow of words stopped when more tears cascaded down her beautiful face. Remus' heart constricted with self hatred. That was what he had done to her? While listening to her speech, it had seemed to him that her face grew more tired, the circles beneath her eyes darker, the skin paler. He saw the Tonks she had been shortly after his departure. It hurt infinitely to listen to her, to learn about the pain he had thrown her in. But he needed to know all of it, to hear the last part. The part where even her voice failed to form words.

"Then came the day I heard that rumour about a murder within the colony. I mean, what was I supposed to think? Everyone tried to reassure me all the time, but what did they know? They wouldn't learn more than I knew before it was too late. I had not really been paying attention on meetings, it had been too much for me. To listen to reports on how your life was in danger every single minute you spent there. To learn their cruelty and all the things they could do to you. I never was part in the werewolf missions. Dumbledore released me from them, knowing I wouldn't be able to do this, especially not without knowing if you were among them. I panicked when I heard. There had been no way for me to learn if you were dead or not. Molly wouldn't have known, so I thought of the person you had had the closest contact to during your mission. Dumbledore. I didn't know what I was doing, I just headed up to the castle, my brain didn't work any more. I didn't find him. This incertitude almost killed me. I was just thinking about ending my life when Dumbledore's letter arrived and told me that you were alive."

Remus' heart stopped. Ending her life? For him? Just because he was dead? All of a sudden, the room appeared quite cold. He was shivering, without knowing why. Tonks finally locked eyes with him. She seemed to be worried at his expression. He couldn't tell what he looked like that moment.

"Remus? Love, are you all right?"

Tenderly, she took his hands in hers and rubbed them together.

"You're quite cold. I'll better get us the blanket."

While watching her collecting the blanket, he gained back some of his sense. When she pulled the blanket over his still slightly trembling form and slipped under them next to him, he pulled her to him and breathed her scent in. It was calming his flittering nerves. Slowly, he pulled away, but just enough to look into her eyes.

"You even considered killing yourself just because of me?"

"Of course I did. And that's not even all of it."

"What else could there be?"

"There was another reason I didn't attend the werewolf missions. Dumbledore didn't let me because he guessed what I was thinking. I... Well, it would have been quite easy to let myself be bitten so that it would have looked like an accident..."

He tightened the grip on her hands. No. She wouldn't. Nobody should have to share his fate. Especially not Tonks. Not this way.

"Remus? You've gone all pale. Please, don't be mad at me. I know that you don't like to hear it, but I just wanted to be honest with you. That's how I felt. I need you. I want to be close to you, as close as I can possibly get. It felt like there was no other way you could accept me on your side..."

Remus sobered at once. Perhaps she was right. Back then, he was still convinced that there was no chance for them. But still...

"Dora, you becoming a werewolf wouldn't have changed anything. I couldn't have done this to you and you don't how guilty I'd have felt..."

"I know. I know I was being irrational, but you seem to erase every rational thought right out of my brain, Mr. Lupin."

Tonks blushed a little and despite her earlier confessions, the latest and probably worst of them just made mere seconds ago, he couldn't help but think that there was nothing more lovely in this world. Remus knew he wasn't able to mad at her. Not for more than a few seconds. Or until she offered him that small, insecure smile and that beautiful blush. With ruffled hair, still naked, in her natural state. She had made herself vulnerable, so much more vulnerable than he had. She had poured out her heart and soul, stripped off her clothes, her disguise. There was so much love, in her words, in her eyes, in her body language. He couldn't believe it, didn't know what he had done to deserve being loved so much. For the first time, he really recognized that she loved him just as much as he loved her, that she needed him just as much, maybe even more. There was an endless source of everlasting love in front of him, from the one person he could accept that gift of, the one person he could return it to. His way was clear ahead of him, there were no more doubts or insecurities. He knew what to do.

"Nymphadora Tonks, would you marry me?"


	37. Chapter 37

**Chapter 37**

**The funeral**

"What?"

Silence filled the room. She just looked at him, eyes wide in shock.

"You heard what I said."

As much as he was convinced that this was right, the words hadn't been meant to come out so quickly. He couldn't bring himself to say them again, not when she had that look of incredulity on her face.

"I... I just can't believe that you mean it. I mean, maybe your tongue just slipped, or you pity me because I'm so damn pathetic.."

"No, no, it's not that! I don't pity you! It's just that I realized how much you love me and that this is meant to last forever..."

"Sweet of you, but really, you realized that only now? Where have you been the last two years? I thought I'd been quite obvious."

"And you were. But I never learned how much you really felt for me. I couldn't believe that I could possibly be as important to you as you are to me. It's still hard to believe..."

"Remus Lupin, you have a severe problem of self-esteem. Of course I'll marry you!"

With that, she rolled on top of him and kissed him fiercely. Remus pulled her closer and enjoyed the feeling of holding her in his arms. He didn't have a ring or even an idea how he should pay a wedding. These were dark times and it would be difficult to organize everything without being discovered by Death Eaters. The ceremony wouldn't be as wonderful as Remus wanted it to be. He wouldn't be able to give his Dora everything she deserved, everything he wanted for her. But then, he would never be and he had finally noticed that it didn't matter to her. All that mattered were them and Dora would be happy to be at his side, no matter where. There was enough time to search for a ring. He would ask Arthur for help. Tomorrow, in a few days. No need to hurry. With Dora in his arms, he felt invincible, invulnerable. Death Eaters? They should come and try to destroy his happiness, they would see where it got them.

XxxxxxxxxX

"Remus, do you really think pink is an appropriate hair colour for a funeral?"

"Love, it's Dumbledore's funeral. He would have been happy that you're wearing your favourite colour again."

Remus walked over to his lover and placed a soft kiss on her head.

"Really? I guess you're right, but it still seems a bit out of place..."

"Since when are you wondering about other people's opinions?"

"It's not that. I don't care if Umbridge or Scrimgeour give me odd looks. I just... It's Dumbledore's funeral. I don't want to besmirch his memory, if you know what I mean..."

"You won't. He liked your hair and I can see why. I know what this ceremony is going to be like. There will be a lot of ministry officials who will hold speeches long enough to make everyone fall asleep in bright daylight and none of their words will have much to do with the real Albus Dumbledore. Everything will be absolutely conventional and he would have hated it. A little spot of colour would be appreciated, believe me."

While he had been speaking, Tonks had turned around to face him, no longer staring into the mirror. Her eyes had gone wet and first tears were streaming down her face.

"I know. Thank you."

She barely whispered the words, but he heard her nonethless. He would always hear her. Sighing, Remus took her in his arms and hugged her close to him. Her fingers dug into his back, but he didn't complain. He knew what she was feeling and he was grateful for the consolation of their embrace. Carefully, Tonks loosened her grip and took a step back, whiping the tears from her eyes.

"We should go now, right? I don't want to be late."

Smiling, Remus entwined their fingers and led her down the stairs. Aberforth was already gone. Screening the deserted place with his eyes, Remus knew that they couldn't stay here much longer. After the night of Dumbledore's death, he and Tonks had changed from the Three Broomsticks to the Hogshead. First, it was cheaper, for the ministry had ended Tonks' mission and therefore didn't pay the rent any longer. Second, everyone knew that Hogsmeade and its surroundings would be flooded with wizards and witches from all over the world who would want to attend the funeral of the greatetst wizard of all times. They knew that Aberforth wouldn't have liked to see his pub filled to the top with strangers while he was grieving for his brother. Of course he didn't show, but Remus knew that despite all their differences, Aberforth had still loved Albus and that it wasn't as easy for him as he wanted them all to believe. So Remus, Tonks and a few other members of the order had moved in to keep other guests out.

But as comfortable as the chamber they had been given was, it was time to look for something of their own. Remus didn't really want to force Tonks to live in his shabby appartment, but at least for a while there was no alternative. Not until they had found something else, what would soon enough proof rather difficult seeing that few people were willing to rent to a werewolf. A sudden pressure on his hand woke him out of his reverie. He turned his head to look at the woman at his side. Tonks' smiled at him, a weak smile, but a smile nevertheless. She had known that he was deep in thoughts and that his musings had turned to a direction she didn't approve. She always knew and Remus was greateful that she kept him from thinking too much. It was more than possible that otherwise, he would do something foolish. Like leaving her for her own good. He knew it wasn't the right thing to do, but sometimes the thought sneaked upon him. They still hadn't told anyone of their engagement. There wasn't a ring. Remus had feared Tonks would be mad at him for all this hesitation, but she didn't say anything. He guessed that she hadn't expected him to propose anyway and that waiting wasn't so hard on her right now.

Smiling back, he walked on and they left the dim room for the bright sunlight of a summer's day. It seemed like even the weather was paying its respect by being the most beautiful possible for those who came to honour the memory of Albus Dumbledore.

XxxxxxxxxX

As Remus had predicted, the rows in front of Dumbledore's body were filled with ministry officials. Members of the order, old friends, pupils, teachers and normal civilians who wanted to pay there respects were scattered in the rows behind them. There was no line of order members sitting next to each other. The ceremony began and a tiny wizard spoke with hardly any emphasis of Dumbledore's achievements, leaving out the great man he had been. Remus felt the tears coming up. That was so typical for the ministry. Engaging someone to hold a speech but insisting on objectivity. No personal comment, despite all the old friends and colleagues in these rows. Only his goals in sciences of all sorts, something no one here was interested in. They didn't want to hear that Albus Dumbledore had been highly intelligent. That was widely known, thank you. No, they wanted to hear about the wonderful, kind man who helped everyone without regard of other's opinions. The man who had never cared what the ministry thought of his actions, but what his protégés could get out of them. The man who had offered trust when no one else trusted you. The man who had accepted all children as his pupils, not caring if their families consisted of Muggles or Purebloods, if they were werewolves or poor or not accepted in wizarding society. Albus Dumbledore had given so much, only for his funeral speech to consist of nothing but facts.

Looking about, Remus saw his emotions reflected in other's eyes. Minerva seemed furious and glared at the man in front of them stammering through his speech without taking his eyes from the paper in his hands. Most of the people in the back rows seemed offended and sad about this turn of events. But no one wanted to confront the ministry about their decision. They all knew that it would lead to nowhere. Still, they felt betrayed in their right to honour the Dumbledore they had known, not the one the ministry wanted everyone to see. Hogwarts' headmaster had been more than just a few facts in a history book. Next to him, he could hear Tonks' silent sobs. Her hair stayed pink, but her eyes searched the rows in front of them for Harry and his friends. A look of incredulity and detestation didn't leave her face as she followed the speech. Her gaze wandered to Umbridge and Scrimgeour in the very first row. No doubt that the two of them were responsible for this disaster. Remus could follow her train of thought. He also looked out for his best friend's son. This had to be hard for Harry. After all, he had known Dumbledore best for the last few years and the headmaster had been something like a father for him. The boy had to bear so much loss. The world's fate weighed on his shoulders despite his youth and everyone he looked up to, everyone who could help him with his task died right in front of him. Remus felt his heart constrict at the idea of how lonely Harry had to feel at the moment. He had Hermione and Ron at his side, but still they weren't forced to follow him whereas he was the only one who could fulfill the task, who could bring Voldemort down.

A shower of arrows distracted him from his musing. The centaurs had paid there respect to Dumbledore, way more effectively than the ministry. For a short moment, Remus felt amused at the expression of panic on Umbridge's face. But then he turned back to Harry. Until now, he hadn't noticed Ginny sitting next to the boy. She had turned around and he could see the tears on her face, the look of silent resignation. Tonks saw it, too. The pain in her beautiful face hit him.

"What is it?"

"Haven't you seen them?"

"Ginny and Harry?"

"Yes."

"I have. But still, why is it bothering you so much?"

"Don't you see what he is doing?"

Remus' gaze wandered back. He had an idea, but he still didn't know why Tonks was reacting like this.

"I have a guess. But that doesn't answer my question."

"He's breaking up with her. He's breaking up with her because he's trying to be noble, to protect her. But he can't. We're all in danger right now. This is no way of protecting her. I know what she's feeling, even though she's taking it with much more countenance than I. I think we both know where he got the idea."

"Dora, I'm sure he would have acted like that anyway. Ginny's still underage, he can't take her with him. And he shouldn't."

"I know. But that's no reason to break her heart. Or his own. Her parents, her brothers are members of the order. She's a blood traitor. Voldemort used her once to get to Harry, when she was nothing more but his best friend's little sister. Doing that to her is not protecting her. He will be aiming at her anyway."

"But she's in more danger when he gets to know what she means to him. Like this marriage will endanger you further."

"Why should I be any more endangered than I already am? I'm in the front line, Remus. I'm a soldier. There's hardly more danger to attract than I'm already in."

"Greyback will try to get at you. Now that he knows that I have been the traitor."

"Well, then it's good to know that I have a strong man to protect me, isn't it?"

She grinend at him, the tears already drying on her cheeks in the bright sunlight. Remus knew that Nymphadora Tonks didn't need anyone to protect her, but it still felt good to be there, just in case.

"I think so. But for now we should end the discussion and leave, for we're about the last two down here."

They looked up. The rows were almost empty, the guests either on their way to the gates to apparate home or on a visit to the castle.

"But just for now."

Tonks rose fom her chair and offered Remus her hand. Finger entwined, they left the scene in front of the white tomb.


	38. Chapter 38

_A Merry Christmas – or what's left of it ;) - to all of my dear readers :) _

**Chapter 38**

**Acceptance**

"Oh, Tonks, that's so wonderful!"

Molly hugged the young woman close to her.

"Thank you, Molly. I knew you would be happy. That's why I told you first."

Molly took a step back and looked at Tonks with an incredulous expression.

"You told me before your parents? Oh, that's another hug!"

Tonks stood smiling and bore another wave of how wonderfuls and hugs until the older woman finally calmed down.

"Where is Remus, darling? Shouldn't he be here, too?"

"He would have loved to, but, you know, the full moon was just yesterday..."

"Oh, sorry, how thoughtless of me! I still have some of my potato soup, he'll be in need of something to eat..."

With that, she left Tonks standing next to the table and began bustling around, looking for said soup. In fact, Remus hadn't exactly wanted to be there when Molly was told. He had known what she would be like and he wanted her to calm down first before he met her again. After all, Remus still had a problem with people hugging him to death. Especially after all the angry speeches Molly had given him during the last two years. He felt a little ashamed that in the end she had proved right all along. There had been a full moon just yesterday, yes, but that was certainly not the only reason for his absence.

"So, darling, when will you tell your parents?"

Molly had come back to Tonks, a big bowl in her hands.

"Oh, Molly, who shall eat all of that! You don't have to give us so much!"

"Don't be silly, dear. Just take the bowl, I bet Remus will be grateful. I don't want to hurt your feelings, Tonks, but really, you're not the best cook I've ever seen..."

"Yeah, I know that I'm a hopeless case. But still... If you insist, I'll take it, of course. We're going to tell them as soon as Remus feels better."

"You're nervous, right?"

"Very nervous. I mean, they know that I love a werewolf, but they certainly don't expect me to marry him. First of all because we haven't been together for more than a few days. And I'm not even going to tell them that he proposed after the first night we spent together. Mum had problems accepting it anyway, it took her so much time. I'm afraid she won't be able to accept _that_, Molly. I would still marry Remus, but she's my Mum and I love her. I want her to be there on my wedding day."

"She will be there, darling, she will be there. Don't worry. I'm sure she'll calm down when she meets Remus. A mother wouldn't miss her daughter's wedding."

"How can you be sure of that?"

"I just know. In any case, I'll be there for you, dear."

"Thank you, Molly. You've done so much for me. I'd be so glad to see you on the wedding."

Tears cascaded down her cheeks, but Tonks did nothing to stop them. She wanted Molly to see how grateful she was for all she had done for her – and for Remus. Molly's eyes were also shinier than usual. She hugged the girl for the last time, then placed the bowl in her arms.

"Be careful not to drop the soup. And wish Remus my best."

"I will. Thank you for everything. Good night, Molly!"

Tonks stepped out of the door, concentrated and stood in front of Remus' flat only seconds later. Carefully, she undid the spells on the front door, entered and tiptoed to the kitchen where she sat down the heavy bowl. Sighing, she fell into a chair, both happy to not have dropped the bowl and to have told Molly. That would spare her the task of telling everyone else in the order. What left only the invitations – and Tonks' parents. She was really frightened of the idea to have to tell her mother. Ted would take it easy, but Andromeda would most probably explode. That wouldn't just disturb one relationship. Tonks knew that Remus would feel incredibly guilty should her mother break with her over their marriage. And she didn't want him to feel guilty or to get back to seeing their relationship as a mistake. He had done enough of that already. So it was just natural to fear the day she had to tell her family. Too bad her grandparents were dead, they would have supported her. Were they still alive, Tonks would have told her grandmother first.

Memories flooded back into her mind. How she had spent whole summers with her grandparents. How she had adored the Emerald Isle, the peace and acceptance she had been given. It was long ago that she had last felt peaceful in that beautiful landscape. Her mind clouded with images of her youth, she didn't notice Remus approaching her from behind and therefore nearly jumped out of her chair when he touched her shoulder carefully.

"Merlin, Remus! You almost gave me a heart attack! I thought you were still sleeping."

"I heard you coming back and it seems way more appealing to spend the rest of the day with you than laying alone in my bed."

Tonks smiled at him and with a flick of her wand one of the other chairs appeared next to her. Remus sat down, careful not to overcharge his sore joints – or any other part of his body. He looked truly exhausted and tired, more so than usual. Dumbledore's death had had his toll on him. But unlike so many other days after a full moon, he wore a smile on his face, a genuine smile. It made him look years younger, more like his real age, and his eyes shone almost like stars. It was a smile that made Tonks weak in the knees and she was grateful for sitting already. If Remus knew what his effect on her was, he would never esteem himself a monster or unworthy again.

"So... What were you thinking about? You looked quite far away."

"I was. I just came back from telling Molly. She asked when we were going to tell Mum and Dad and that made me think of how easy all of this would be when my grandparents were still alive. Maybe Mum would take it easier if Grandma could talk to her."

"Dora, no one says that you're mother will take it that badly."

Remus' eyes betrayed his reassuring words. Tonks knew that he dreaded that certain meeting with Andromeda Tonks just as much as she did.

"You know that she will. But no matter what she says, I don't want you to feel bad about us. Not again. She' not right, as much as she thinks she is. She just doesn't understand."

"I don't understand neither. I'll never understand why you love me so much."

"And you don't need to. I don't understand why someone like you chose a stupid little clutz like me, but I'm not going to ask. I know it's hard to explain. It's enough that I know that you truly love me. I don't need to know why. All that matters is that you're here, with me."

She pulled him in for a kiss and a few minutes later she found herself breathless on Remus' lap, her chair abandoned.

"I thought you needed rest?"

"I never said anything of that sort. But if you insist you could accompany me to my bed..."

Tonks followed him, giggling incessantly, and for now, every thought of that dreaded day disppeared from their minds...

XxxxxxxxxX

Three days later, Tonks stood in front of her parents' house, almost breaking Remus' hand in her tight grip. Her eyes were wide with fear and she stared at the door without moving the slightest bit. It seemed as if the sheer sight of the door had frozen her in the midst of movement.

"Dora? It's almost three, I think it's about time to knock. Dora?"

She didn't react and just continued staring at the door.

"Dora! We're here to make a good first impression. Coming late isn't exactly helpful..."

Not even a threat could shake her out of her meditation. Remus decided that words wouldn't do and just pulled her with him, towards the feared object. He knocked carefully, three times, as Tonks had told him, so that her parents could identify them more easily. Not until the sound of his knocking broke the silence did Tonks awake. She shot an insecure look at Remus, then straightened her shoulders and tried to look determined. Remus could still see the fear lingering behind her mask, but he hoped that it was enough to intimidate her mother. From within, he could hear a loud bang and someone cursing before the door finally opened.

"Dora, so nice to see you. It's been too long. And you must be Remus. I'm Ted, Dora's Dad, as you may have heard. Come in, don't just stand there. Feel at home and make yourself comfortable, I'll get Dromeda."

With that, he disappeared up the stairs and left the couple to themselves. Remus shook his head and smiled to himself.

"What? What's so funny, Mister? I want to be in the joke. It's all but certain that we won't have much to laugh when Mum comes down."

"It's just... You father. He's so much like you."

"Well, I hope you didn't expect me to come after the Blacks, dear. I'm a Tonks and proud of it."

They smiled at each other a last time before they hung up their cloaks and sat down on the cozy couches in the living room. Tonks began to play with the ring on her right hand. Remus had insisted on tradition and forbade her to wear the ring on her left hand before their marriage. Although she didn't see why this was so very important for him, she found it cute and did as he wanted. It wouldn't kill her to change the ring from one hand to the other. She was far too proud of it to care. Remus had handed it over to her shortly after Dumbledore's funeral. He had contacted Arthur and they had decided that it would be best to give her his mother's ring. At first, Remus had hesitated at the idea. Not because he didn't want Tonks to wear the ring that had belonged to his mother, but because he had doubted that she would want to wear such old jewelry. After all, Tonks was a very unique person. But Arthur had assured him that Tonks would love it and he had been right. She loved it more than she could have loved a new ring, how shiny or expensive it might be. The fact that Remus wanted her to wear the ring that had bound his beloved parents together was too precious to be outweighed by money.

A sudden noise let them turn around. Andromeda Tonks stood in the doorway, a determined disapproval in her expression. Without as much as a greeting, she sat down opposite of them, glaring at the ring her daughter was playing with. Her back was unnaturally straight and her eyes freezing cold. Ted appeared to have shrinked at least two inches in her obviously furious presence. His smiled had become shy and his movements careful. It all but seemed that Andromeda was about to explode.

"Hi, Mum."

Tonks' voice sounded atypically tiny and insecure.

"Nymphadora."

The cold gaze never wandered to Remus, but remained transfixed on her daughter.

"We have to tell you something."

Tonks' eyes found Remus, searching for help. Carefully, as if something could drag them apart at any moment, she reached out for his hand. All the while, the cold gaze followed her every movement.

"Remus and I, we're going to marry."

No reaction. Andromeda's eyes never strayed from her daughter's face and she stayed immoveable. Tonks' expression became more and more defiant, protecting her decision from that analyzing stare. Ted desperately tried to break the silence.

"Congratulations! When will the wedding take place?"

As Tonks seemed to have become as immoveable and silent as her mother, Remus answered for her.

"In two weeks. We found a nice little chapel in the periphery. It will be a little festivity, we don't want to be tracked down by Death Eaters."

Ted rose to shake their hands over the good news, but Andromeda kept him from doing so and pulled him back onto the couch.

"You're not going to congratulate them, Ted. You're not going to congratulate your own daughter when she's running in her misfortune."

"I'm not going to run in my misfortune. I'm marrying the man I love, if you like it or not."

Tonks' voice resembled a hiss, her eyes just as cold as her mother's.

"He's not even a man, Nymphadora. You never knew what's good for you. You're too old to dictate you what to do. I'm just telling you that I'm not going to approve. I don't know if I'll be able to support you when you come crawling back to my door."

"I'm not going to come crawling back. I won't need to."

"Don't be naïve. What are you expecting? A life in luxury? You're marrying a poor beast, Nymphadora!"

Remus was about to jump from his seat, but Tonks was faster. She drew her wand and before anyone else could react, it was pointed directly on her mother's chest.

"Remus is not a beast. Never dare to say that again. And I'm not dependent. I earn my own money and it's more than enough for both of us to live with. And I swear, there'll be a time when Remus will be able to get a good job, just because he's qualified and gifted. It's what we're fighting for, while you sit here, doing nothing. Everything's okay for you, isn't it? You don't have to suffer under Voldemort's terror regime. You're a noble Pureblood with lots of money, they'll spare you. If need should be, you can buy your freedom. But the others can't. And while you sit here, caught up in your stupid prejudice and wealth, Remus is out there to fight for a better world, no money but a free and generous mind. I ask you, who is the better person, hmm?"

Red sparks emerged from the tip of her wand and Tonks was shaking with fury. Ted and Remus couldn't help but stare at the two women. Andromeda still didn't move, although there was something in her expression that seemed to be changing.

"Dora, please. Put your wand down. She's your mother."

Slowly, Remus stepped over to his fiancée and tried to lower her wand arm.

"One hell of a mother she is. A shining idol."

The sarcasm almost dripped out of her voice, bitter and untypical. Her eyes were still locked with her mother's. None of them seemed to want to be the one who would move first. Finally, Andromeda rose from her seat, approached her daughter and offered her shaking hand.

"Dora, I'm sorry. I'm just worrying. You know that I'm proud of you, right?"

Her voice was shaking just as badly as her hand.

"That's not enough, Mum. Worries are no excuse for insults. It's not me you should be apologizing to."

Andromeda swallowed hard, but gathered the courage to turn to Remus and offer him her hand.

"Remus, I'm sorry for what I said. I bet you're a much better person than I give you credit for. I just want to protect my daughter. I hope you understand me."

Smiling, Remus took her hand and shook it.

"Perfectly understandable. But I think Dora doesn't need protection."

Tonks accepted her mother's hand as well and hugged her close, whispering something into her ear none of the men could understand. Andromeda then hurried off into the kitchen and returned with a tray loaded with coffee and tea. The conversation ceased at times, but Ted and Tonks did most of the talking, so the silence never lasted for too long. Finally, when Tonks and Remus stood in the door, about to leave, Andromeda approached them one last time. To the surprise of all attenders, she hugged Remus and wished them their best. With a highly improved feeling considering their marriage, the couple returned to their flat.


	39. Chapter 39

_A very happy new year to all my readers. Have fun with the new chapter :)_

**Chapter 39**

**Joy and musings**

A repeated knock on the door woke Remus up. It almost sounded as if someone was determined to break down the door unless he or she was given entrance. So with a sigh he tumbled out of the bed and tried to order his spinning mind. A quick look on the clock revealed that it was way too early for a visit. Tonk still lay in bed, no sign of movement visible. She obviously had the talent to sleep through everything, how noisy it might get. Remus had no other choice but to put on clothes and resign. After all, he wanted to keep his door and for today, his sleep was ended anyway. As he arrived at the door, he barely remembered to pose a safety question. His brain was still dizzy from the little sleep he had had – due to the woman in his bed who seemed to want to sleep through the rest of the day as well.

"Who is there?"

"The very angry best friend of one certain Nymphadora Tonks, soon to be Lupin. Which I just learned this morning. How am I to design a proper wedding dress in less than two weeks?"

Smirking, Remus opened the door. There was no need for a safety question. No Death Eater could ever copy Giovanni Riviera. Aforementioned best friend stood in the doorway, fuming and with a slightly terrifying expression.

"Good morning, Giovanni. Dora is still sleeping, which, considering the hour of day you chose to come here, is not very surprising."

Remus couldn't help it, his voice sounded quite reproachful. Giovanni had ended some well-deserved sleep, as much as he liked the man otherwise.

"Sorry for having to wake you up, Remus. But I have to start as soon as possible. I mean, my best friend can't marry in any dress. Don't worry, she'll be up in no time."

With that spoken, he rushed into the bedroom, scissor in hand and layers of fabric on his shoulder. As soon as he had left his position in the doorway, Robert followed in shyly.

"Good morning, Remus. I'm really sorry. There's no stopping him when it comes to marriages. Congratulations. From both of us."

Smiling, they shook hands.

"Never mind, Robert. As long as they're busy we can have some tea in the kitchen."

Half an hour later, Robert and Remus still sat in the kitchen, waiting for Giovanni and Tonks to finally get out of the bedroom. There was silence in the room and although it was not of the awkward type, Remus decided that a little conversation wouldn't hurt. Whatever they were doing in there seemed to take some time.

"Do you have any idea what he's doing there?"

"Well, I guess he's taking measure for the dress. And he'll act as if Tonks has a choice in style and fabric, though I definitely know that he has decided for himself the moment he heard of your wedding."

"I hope he's not doing anything too costly. It's supposed to be a little festivity, few guests in a quiet place, as not to draw any unwanted attention on us."

"I told him so, but Giovanni has his own head. Sometimes he's just like Tonks."

The two men grinned at each other, when, all of a sudden, the door to the kitchen opened, revealing a practically beaming Giovanni.

"It's done. I promise it will be the most beautiful wedding dress you've ever seen, Remus."

"As long as Dora wears it I'm sure it'll be."

Robert winked at him and silently formed the words "Good answer". Remus couldn't help but smirk. Tonks had not only brought love into his life, but with these two guys something he hadn't thought possible since Sirius' death: real friends. He was on wave length with Robert and Giovanni was just Giovanni: Either you loved him or you hated him. Remus definitely voted for the first.

"So, and when am I going to see my fiancée again? Or have you kidnapped her?"

"She's gone back to sleep, I fear. I hope she's not drowning."

Robert looked at his boyfriend in alarm.

"You wouldn't let her fall asleep under the shower!"

"I'm not sitting next to her to keep watch. But I think she'll remain upright long enough. Dear, Remus, what have you done to her? Do you know how long it took me to wake her up?"

"I've done absolutely nothing, that was her idea..."

Remus desperately tried to hide the blush that was creeping up his whole face. Determined, he stared at the wall next to him.

"Don't be so shy! You'll have to get used to this if you want to live with Nymphie. I was just kidding, you can stop imitating a tomato."

Giovanni nearly laughed his head off, while Robert just rolled his eyes in Remus' direction. Though his head was still highly red, Remus gathered the strength to turn his head back to the other two men and put on a smile. He really had to get used to jokes on his private life. It had been too long since he'd last shared it with anyone.

Being who she was, Tonks had to choose exactly this moment to enter the scene.

"So, what are you laughing about, you big torturer? I can't believe that it took you almost two hours to take measure."

"I'm just laughing at your fiancé. He really needs to lighten up a bit."

"What did you ask?"

"What he has done to you that you nearly fell asleep under the shower."

"I didn't fall asleep, Mister. And what we're doing in these walls is none of your business, partner."

Winking at her best friend, Tonks sat down at the kitchen table and summoned herself a cup of tea. Giovanni, stil laughing, chose to finally sit down as well, taking Robert's hand in the process. They shared a loving look before the former got back to business.

"So, Nymphie, what did you think of, telling me of your wedding only now? Do you know how much work a proper wedding dress needs? After all I know, I could have started a week earlier!"

"You could have. But then the dress would have been incredibly costly and impractical, which is, considering the times we're in and my clumsiness, both lethal and stupid."

"You never let me have my fun, Nymphie."

"At least not with my wedding dress. I want to experience my wedding night, not break my neck because I stumbled on my way down the aisle."

"I'd never let you die on your wedding day! What do you think balance charms are for? You won't trip the whole day, I promise."

"Well, then keep a good one at hand. I'll probably break it with my clumsiness."

"I'll do my very best. After all, I'm your bridesmaid."

"Very funny. You should create a dress for yourself, then."

"Maybe I'll do just that."

Giovanni and Tonks turned their backs to each other, determinedly not looking at anyone in the room. Once again, Robert rolled his eyes, speechless at two adults acting so immature.

"Really, you two should grow up one of these days."

"Never. Our bodies will may rot, but our minds will stay young forever. Won't they, dear Dora?"

"Of course they will, lovely Giovanni."

"See?"

Tonks shared a look with her best friend, then they broke out in laughter. Giovanni grabbed his sides, helplessly gasping for air, while Tonks literally fell off her chair and rolled on the floor. For a moment, the two older men just sat there and watched their lovers shaking with laughter. They stared at each other in utter disbelief. But the power of laughter was too contagious even for their mature minds and so they too started laughing about nothing at all. Finally, after several minutes of headless joy, everybody had calmed down enough to sit back straight and take a deep breath.

"What were we laughing at, anyway?"

Robert looked around the table, obviously clueless, but curious nonetheless.

"No idea. I guess about the two of us and that whole immature thing. After all these years it shouldn't be funny anymore, but we can still laugh about it and that's what matters."

Giovanni grinned proudly and smirked at his best friend and accomplice.

"I guess, you're right, if you see it like this."

They drank their tea in silence, until Tonks was unable to hold it back any longer.

"So, and what is planned for today?"

"Planned? Nothing at all, Nymphie. How could I? I'll be busy with your dress."

"Oh, come on. I know that you planned something. Otherwise you wouldn't have arrived here at such an unholy time. So, what is it?"

"It wouldn't be a surprise if I'd tell you."

"Oh, please! Just a tiny piece of information?"

"No. You'll see when it's time for you to see. No earlier."

Tonks got back to pouting, but Giovanni kept his silence during the rest of breakfast – at least for Tonks it was the first meal of the day. When Remus shot a curious look at Robert, he received nothing but a wink. Of course, the surprise was for him as well, so they couldn't tell him either. Praying that they wouldn't do anything stupid or potentially lethal, Remus decided to wait for his destiny.

When Tonks finally finished eating, Giovanni took her hand and led her out of the house. Robert and Remus followed suit. Once outside Giovanni turned to the others.

"So. We'll need to apparate to our destination. And of course we won't destroy the surprise by telling you what you'll have to expect – or where you'll find yourself. What leaves Side-Along-Apparition. I'll take Nymphie with me and Robert takes Remus. You close your eyes and don't open them before I tell you. No cheating, Nymph, or I'll hex your eyes shot. Okay, one, two and... three!"

Two seconds later the couple could tell that they had changed location. The climate was much warmer wherever they were now, and there was noise all around them.

"So, now, my dears, you are allowed to open your eyes!"

On Giovanni's command, both Remus and Tonks did as they were told – and took a step back immediately.

"Where are we?"

Remus tried to make out where they had been led to, but within all the colours and the noise he couldn't find a single familiar sound. Tonks' eyes widened as she beheld the whole area and finally she turned to her friends with a grin so bright it could match the colours around them.

"Oh, Gio, thank you so much! I've always wanted to come back here."

With tears in her eyes, she ran towards him and pulled him into a hug. Still clueless about their recent position, Remus turned around as well.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot. Remus, you can't know where we are. This is Disney Land, a Muggle leisure park. Tonks and I have been here a few years ago and since then she had wanted to return. I thought you could do with a little bit fun. I promise there will be no Death Eaters today, considering that we are in Florida. See it as an early wedding present."

"What about you? Will you stay here, too?"

"Well, I guess we will. I have to admit that I love Disney Land. But we won't bother you, no need to worry. This is a day just for the two of you. After all, we don't know how much time is left, right?"

With that he turned back to Robert and the couple left for the cashpoint.

"Don't we need Muggle money to get in there?"

"We do. That's what Gio and Rob are up to. Isn't that fantastic? A day just for us, in the middle of all this carelessness?"

"I don't know if that's the right way to spend our day..."

"Oh, come on, Remus. Just enjoy it. Stop thinking so much. The order won't go down if we're not available for a few hours. Let's just have fun today."

All of a sudden, she was on her tiptoes and kissed him fiercely. Remus pushed her back, looking around in alarm. In fact there were several children in the area, staring wide-eyed at the pair.

"Dora! There are children around! We're in the midst of public! Can't this wait until we get back home?"

"Remus, really. You need to lighten up. It won't kill these kids. I bet they've seen their parents doing worse. It was just a harmless kiss. Nothing else. I'm not expecting you to go any further right here. You can calm down again."

She grinned at him and disappeared into the laughing crowd, only visible because of her luminous hair. Rolling his eyes, Remus followed before he could lose her. The last thing he needed was spending a day alone in a leisure parc because he couldn't find his fiancée. Some guys in strange costumes and a few balloon sellers later he had caught up with Tonks and they almost ran into Giovanni and Robert.

"So there you are. We were about to look out for you. Here's your money. If you want to find us – well, you have wands. Just don't be too obvious. You never know where there's someone hiding in a corner with so much people around. We don't want to have to erase any memories today. Have fun."

They each gave Tonks a hug and a kiss on the cheek, whereas Remus just received a short hug. Then their friends disappeared into the crowd again to pay for their tickets. Tonks grinned from ear to ear, slipping the money into her pocket. She kissed the tip of Remus' nose, then pulled him with her to the endless line in front of the cash.

"Merlin! The day's over until we even get to pay!"

"It's not as long as it seems. And it's always worth to wait for the good things."

They smiled at each other and Remus put his arm around her waist. If necessary, he would wait out here forever, as long as Tonks was with him. So he just accepted his fate and waited until it was finally their turn. They had stood in line for two good hours, but the happiness on his lover's face stopped him from muttering. This whole park wasn't really his cup of tea, but he would play along when Tonks loved it so much. He had a lot to make up for, after all.

XxxxxxxxxX

At almost midnight they arrived back home. Tonks had insisted on taking a photo with every single person in a costume, speaking of 'Mickey Mouse' and 'Donald Duck' and various other names he had never heard of before. The park was clearly meant for little children, but some of the attractions seemed to be constructed to compensate the parents for the long hours spent there. Furthermore those strange figures seemed to be very popular in the Muggle world, for he had seen children from all over the world who had come to America to spend their weekend with their copies in life seize.

Although he thought it ridiculous for two grown-up people to spend their day in such an atmosphere without even having the excuse of a child, Tonks' happiness had been contagious. Somehow she had made him feel like a little child again and the sight of the most stupid things had filled him with an excitement he couldn't explain. It was as if his Marauder side was waking up again. Why caring about tomorrow? What mattered was today and nothing else!

When dawn began to fall, he was as surprised as his fiancée. He had expected a truly boring time, only brightened up by her presence. But despite all his fears he hadn't just sat around counting the hours until their departure. He had participated in everything Tonks had suggested and to his utmost surprise he had had the fun of his life. Remus didn't want this day to end, but on the other side he wasn't too enthusiastic to spend the night in the park as well. Even fun had its limits. So the couple had changed to a little bar Tonks knew from her time as a trainee. It was a Muggle location, so they were relatively safe from possible Death Eater attacks. For the moment they were calm and stayed hidden, content with the achievement of their aim : The death of Albus Dumbledore. But you never knew when they would strike again, so it was better to pay attention and avoid the popular magical locations.

In the course of the night Remus had had an other experience he had thought lost long ago. He actually enjoyed being out. The last time he had been to a bar had been with James and Sirius. But it was still different with Tonks. It almost felt like she was rubbing her energy off on him. When his thoughts drifted off to serious themes, she kept them light and when she laughed he had the urge to continue talking, just to make her do it again. He had talked about things he'd never been able to mention to anybody before. He had made fun of the stories concerning his life as a werewolf. Usually, people started looking away, either ashamed or disgusted, and didn't know what to answer. But Tonks was different. She laughed about it and there was no pity in her expression. Remus just saw the love he had always wanted to see in someone else's face. She was neither taking it too seriously, nor too lightly. She knew the risks, but she didn't care. She knew the pain behind those little stories, but she could laugh at them because she knew that pity would not help. Some of them were truly funny, despite the circumstances that had produced them. They had just sat there all night long, talking like they had never talked before, not even in their first night together. Tonks told little anecdotes about Moody and her time as a trainee in the Auror office. She talked lightly about her friendship with Giovanni and Charlie, something she had cherished all those years that had passed since their graduation from Hogwarts.

But suddenly the atmosphere had changed. Nobody knew why, but someone started mentioning the order and the other couldn't stop his own drifting mind from responding to that common theme. Sirius' death was mentioned and tears flowed. There were speculations how the order would be able to continue without Dumbledore and what Harry's task was. And how the war that was right outside their own door would influence their relationship. Tonks admitted that she was scared, frightened even. She didn't want to lose Remus, now that he had finally let her in. She wanted to experience and enjoy the love she had had to hold back for so long. She wanted children. She wanted the whole bloody war to end, the ministry to stop its discrimination. A normal life. But she knew that it wasn't so easy, that it never would be. That you had to fight for your convictions.

Remus held her close and as much as he wanted to reassure her, the words which came out were from a very different type. He started talking about the first war and how he had hoped that the wizarding world would be untroubled by another one. He had wanted a family, had hoped that after his merits for the protection of their society, the ministry would loosen the harsh laws on werewolves. But he had been wrong and nothing had changed. Society was still discriminating, the next war about to build, Muggles still laughed at. He had lost everything and gained nothing at all. But as much as he wished that this second war would never take place, he had to be grateful nonetheless. Without the second Order of the Phoenix he wouldn't have met Tonks. He wouldn't have known that there was something to gain, that there was hope in the middle of destruction and hatred. She had looked up and smiled at him and he knew that he wasn't just rambling about under the influence of alcohol. He was telling the truth. Remus had always beheld himself as a sort of tragic hero, the one that would never get the girl or the fame at the end of a tough day. There was nothing alike for a werewolf. His principles had been worth the fight, though. And in the end it had paid off, he had found his true love. Maybe werewolves would never be equal to normal wizards and witches. But it was nice to know that there always were a few who were willing to try and make their lives as wonderful as possible, just for not giving in. There was no salvation for a monster like Greyback. He had left his humanity behind. But for those who endured the deprivations long enough there was, in one form or another.

So when Tonks fell asleep in his arms this night, Remus could look out of the window, stare at the moon and be grateful. He was a werewolf, and so what? He was still better off then so many others. He had a life worth living. As old as he sometimes felt, he had a woman at his side who was able to make him feel young again, as young as he wanted to be. Of course there was still the pain of the transformations, the grey streaks in his hair. But there was hope and if it needed a day in Disney Land and a night spent in a gloomy bar to see just that. He was where he belonged, so much that for the first time, he didn't feel the urge to change anything at all. Not even the moon.


	40. Chapter 40

**Chapter 40**

**Countdown**

Their wedding day approached quickly and Remus started feeling scared. Not just scared, he panicked like he had never panicked before. He knew that he loved Tonks and that they could beat all the odds as long as they were together. But nevertheless his pulse quickened when she mentioned it, and not in a good way. He thought about the ceremony and knew it wouldn't be enough, that the chapel would be too small, the dress too much – he knew Giovanni by now – their flat too little. He thought about all that and knew that he wanted to give his Dora a grand ceremony, with all of their friends, roses all over the place, a hotel room somewhere in Paris or the Carribeans. But he would never be able to finance such a sumptuous wedding, even if they weren't in the middle of a war.

Whenever Remus was haunted by those thoughts, he took refuge in the Burrow. Arthur always tried to reassure him with stories how afraid he had been of his own wedding day. But somehow his words were useless, because all Remus could see in him was the man leading the most perfect marriage in the whole wide world, despite the circumstances. He just couldn't imagine Arthur being afraid of marrying Molly, which made those stories ring rather hollow.

In lack of own friends, he tried to talk to Giovanni. As could have been foreseen that was a big mistake. Giovanni didn't want to hear anything about an unworthy wedding. As long as his best friend was so happy, he didn't see why there was anything to complain about. Helplessly, Remus turned to Robert, but being just as insecure as himself, that conversation had been plain senseless. Talking to Tonks was no solution at all because she seemed so radiant Remus didn't want to ruin her mood with his doubts. He didn't dare entering her parents' house again and mentioning it to Andromeda. He figured that Ted would be able to understand him, but didn't hope for good advice.

So his search for reassurance mostly ended in front of the window, where he was staring outside and wondering why Tonks even wanted to marry him. She knew what the ceremony would be like, but she never let a single word of discontent enter her sentences. On the contrary, whenever she talked to him about their wedding, she seemed to be more cheerful than ever. Remus almost got the impression that she was perfectly satisfied with their relationship as it was, but he immediately chased that thought from his mind, beholding it as utopian. What woman could possibly want to spend the rest of her life with a poor werewolf? Not to mention that he was thirteen years older.

Unable to answer any of the questions in his restless mind, he decided to distract himself until the big day would arrive. After all, he couldn't change Tonks' mind or influence her decision, so he just needed to accept it. It wasn't that he didn't want to marry her and he would most certainly not let her down. If Nymphadora Tonks wanted to marry Remus Lupin, she could have him. He loved her too much to put up resistance once more. And maybe, in the course of time, he would forget all his insecurities and be able to simply enjoy his life.

Far from that point, Remus read about every book he could lay hands on. In the vicinity of his own flat there was hardly anything he hadn't read at least ten times. But some of Tonks' books sounded rather promising, so he started working himself through every single one. That was, if he wasn't on order duty or got too distracted with his beautiful fiancée. Time passed slowly and Remus became impatient. He wanted the wedding to be over with. Somewhere deep inside he hoped that when he was legally bounded to Tonks, his mind might stop spinning from all his insecurities. Of course that hope was rather irrational, but it got him through the day. It stopped him from running away from the only thing that ever went perfectly right in his life. Well, not perfectly, thanks to his own stubbornness, but still. Despite all the screaming doubts in his head he was absolutely sure of their love, in contrast to the rest of his life. If there was one thing he had ever been certain about, it was the righteousness of them. Him and his Dora. It felt so very right, it just had to be.

XxxxxxxxxX

In the night before the wedding, Remus sneaked out of bed and looked for the kitchen. They were spending the night at Tonks' parents, according to tradition in separate beds, of course. Since they were having sex for weeks now, Remus thought that tradition rather ridiculous and old-fashioned. Or maybe it was just meant to make the wedding night more exciting? Whatsoever the reason, laying alone without the soothing sound of Tonks' breathing made him go mad. He couldn't stop thinking, worrying. What if something went wrong? When some of their guests couldn't come because they were tracked down by Death Eaters? When someone dropped the cake? When the whole wedding was interrupted by Voldemort himself? However ridiculous some of the images in his head proved to be, Remus simply couldn't push them away enough to be able to fall asleep. So he decided on the best medicine against anything: chocolate. Best consumed in the form of a cup of cocoa.

It wasn' too easy to find his way down in a house he had only visited two times before. But he didn't want to break tradition and go looking for Tonks, he probably would have talked her out of the whole wedding-thing with all his doubts. And he knew that this would mean ruining the best thing in his life. It would be his worst mistake – and he had made a lot of them. When he felt the cold tiles beneath his bare feet, he knew he had found the room he had been looking for. Carefully, he searched for the switch and turned on the lights. Ted Tonks insisted on electricity in his household, having grown up with it. Remus was about to head for the refrigerator when he noticed a shadow on the porch. Someone was sitting there, staring at the night sky and obviously not taking notice of the lights in the kitchen. Remus supposed it to be no Death Eater, none of their enemies would just sit on the porch and, ignoring the going-ons in the house, stargaze. Most probably it was either Tonks or one of her parents, he couldn't make it out through the reflection in the window. But following Mad-Eye's order – _Constant vigilance!_ - he reached for his wand and tiptoed to the front door.

Though the moon was high – just a few days up to the next full moon – Remus needed some time to be able to see again when he stepped out on the porch. As useful as electricity might could be, it was not very helpful when it came to seeing in the dark after its use. Slowly, Remus turned around and approached the figure that was now leaning against the banister. As he drew closer, he recognized Tonks. What was she doing here, at this time of night, right before their wedding day? Shouldn't she be sleeping? Careful not to frighten her, he casually propped his elbows up on the banister, directly beside her.

"So you're out here, too?"

"Yes. Why are you?"

"I could ask you the same. I couldn't sleep, so I came down here to try if the stars wouldn't be able to calm me down."

"I couldn't sleep, either. I wanted to try on cocoa."

"Sounds like the better idea. But I think we could combine them. What about making cocoa, coming back here and talking?"

"Sounds even better."

With a grin, Remus took Tonks' hand and they returned to the kitchen. They made the cocoa in silence. In the same silence, they turned out the lights and sat down on the steps of the porch. It was not awkward, it was more companionable. Remus smiled to himself and waited for his fiancée to explain.

"I was thinking. I don't really know why, but I'm horribly terrified of this wedding. I love you more than anything, I know that it's the right thing to do, but still all these doubts are tugging at my mind."

"What doubts for example?"

"Well, for example that we chose the worst time possible. That the whole ceremony could be ruined by Death Eaters. That Harry won't be able to be there, although I know how much it would mean to you. That Charlie can't leave Romania now because he took all his free days for Bill's wedding. Stuff like that."

"And I thought you were perfectly content and cheerful about the wedding."

"I am. When I stop thinking about all those other things, which, right now, seems quite impossible."

"I've been thinking about that, too. Though I have to admit that I didn't really thought about Charlie and Harry not being there. I rather fear that the whole ceremony won't be good enough."

"Why should it? As long as you're not letting me down, it'll be more than good enough. Not even a month ago I thought I'd never see this day."

"And I'm sorry for that. We could have been happy all this time, but I refused to give us that chance. But I can't change it now. I just can do my best to ignore all the things that kept me from you in the first place."

"The usual 'too old, too poor, too dangerous' thing?"

"Exactly. It may sounds ridiculous to you, but I can't stop it. I just know that this time, I won't let these thoughts ruin what's between us."

"And what would that be, Mr. Lupin?"

"The best thing that ever happened to me, Miss Tonks."

"In a few hours it's Mrs. Lupin. Don't you dare to forget that."

"How could I? It sounds perfect, at least in my opinion. But there is still a problem to it."

"Which problem?"

"Well, officially, you won't be a Tonks anymore. And I bet you don't want the others to call you Nymphadora."

"Of course not. And Dora is reserved for you and my parents. How about I just keep Tonks as a sort of nickname? Because if anyone should dare calling me Nymphie..."

"You mean besides Giovanni?"

"And Charlie. No one else. Not even you. Dora sounds better anyway."

"Just my opinion. Any suggestions what we do with the rest of the night?"

"Sleep sounds utopian. And I don't want to break with tradition. At least not completely. We already talked through whole nights, I think we could manage to do it again."

Tonks inched closer and Remus willingly put his left arm around her small waist and pulled her closer to him, until her head was resting on his shoulder.

"You could start by explaining why you're so determined to keep to tradition."

"Don't know. I just like the thought of it. It has been fun when Mum and I started to collect all the required things."

"Which would be...?"

"And I thought you would know, if any man on this planet does! The bride needs something blue, something burrowed, something new, something old, you know, that kind of stuff. I think this was the first time in more than twenty years that anyone entered attic."

"Oh, that stuff. I think I heard about it on James' and Lily's wedding. She insisted on it."

"It's a nice idea. You just need some little things, nothing expensive or exquisite, gifts that come from the heart. That's all. And then you'll be happy ever after."

"You believe in that?"

"No, I don't. But I wish I could. It sounds lovely, though. Especially now."

"Yeah. All you need are blue earrings and we won't die in this war."

"Maybe. But I think there's another message. All you need is hope and faith and you won't go down that easily."

"Sounds better. But does it work? Is faith enough to get us through all that?"

"I can't tell. But I'm willing to try. Love can do anything, it says. Why not? If I was able to change your stubborn mind..."

"I think that's not quite the same as ridding the world off Voldemort."

"Well, it's not much easier, though."

They laughed together and Remus felt better. He knew that reality wasn't so easy, but he enjoyed talking to Tonks. She made him see things in a different light. Hope was all that remained, so she could just as well be perfectly right. After all, hope was what had gotten him through after the first war. And he had had a job at Hogwarts, he had met Sirius again, he had found his true love. Maybe none of those things lasted forever, but he was willing to try.

"And Remus?"

"Hmm?"

"I don't think it's ridiculous that you're still thinking in the same old lines. Sometimes I don't know why you are marrying me. I mean, I'm so clumsy and loud and you're so silent, so intelligent. Sometimes I feel like a fool around you. But then you always make me feel so much better, you explain what you mean and I'm so at ease... As long as I'm not thinking too hard I don't care, I just enjoy it. But for you it's so much harder to turn your mind off."

She rose her head a little to meet his gaze.

"It is. But it's the same when I'm around you. I can't worry about all the differences, all the reasons why we shouldn't, when you smile at me like that."

Tonks smile widened and she kissed her fiancé on the tip of his nose before she cuddled back into his shoulder.

"There is something else..."

"Yes, Dora?"

"I know I said that I don't need to know, but... It's driving me mad. Why have you fallen in love with me? What is there about me that you're so attracted to? If I were you, I wouldn't want to be with myself."

"Just if you do me the same favour."

"Of course. I don't even need to think about that one. But if you don't mind, could you please start?"

"And I am having problems with my self-esteem."

Remus rolled his eyes at Tonks' demanding look and she stuck her tongue out.

"If you really want to know... Well, there's that electricity. I don't know how to describe it. But when I touch you, it's always there. Like a sign to wake up because that's the love of your life you're touching there. It sends jolts up and down my spine, sets my head spinning. It was there from the very beginning, the first time I touched you. Do you remember?"

"Of course. My first meeting with the order. I tripped over that stupid troll leg and you were the only person helping me instead of laughing your head off."

"When I helped you up, it was there. And I didn't know what to make out of it. But I learned it soon enough. You wouldn't get out of my head. I always thought your clumsiness endearing and I can't really laugh about the fact that you most probably just hurt yourself. You were so bold. You could match James when it comes to how little you care about my being a werewolf. You just stood there, smiling at everyone and it was the most enticing smile I've ever seen. I adored the way you blushed when you were embarassed. You definitely got me that day we went to Flourish&Blott's. I never met someone who actually was able to advice me a book worth reading I didn't already know. At least not since I was twenty."

Tonks chuckled and Remus enjoyed the vibrations it was sending through his chest. What would it feel like to make her laugh out loud against him? There had always been some space between them when they had talked like this. They both had wanted to keep eye contact. But tonight was different. Tonight it was easier not to look into the other one's eyes. And they didn't have to. They understood anyway. Remus hoped that they would repeat that night in the little time they might have left.

"So, to come back to our theme. Well, I was impressed by your presence. You may don't even notice it, but you fill out a room by entering it. The atmosphere changes immediately and everyone's more cheerful, more at ease. You made me feel so very normal, and years younger, at that. Not to mention the fact that you're simply beautiful."

"I'm not. You just try to be polite."

"No, I'm not. You are. And the incident in the library just reinforced that conviction."

Tonks blushed a deep shade of red. Remus noticed it by the way her hair turned into a colour reminding him very much of the Weasley family.

"Don't remind me of that night. It was horrible."

"No, it was not. Without that night you might have never shown me your natural self."

"Of course I'd have!"

"Come on, be honest."

"Okay, I might wouldn't have. But just because I don't like it and don't expect anyone else to do so."

"Well, I love it. In fact I can't imagine why you would even bother morphing about."

"Even if I'd like my natural appearance, there is still the fact that I'm born this way. My morphs are connected to my emotions. It feels more natural to let them do as they want than to keep one appearance all of the time, even the natural one."

"I think I'm done, so it's your turn."

"That's all? Rather superficial, Mr. Lupin."

"I was just joking. There is of course the fact that you're highly intelligent and an amazing witch. At least when we leave out the householding spells. And I've never met someone with a more loving heart. You always seem to immediately know if you like someone or not and when you decide on liking someone, you keep that relationship, whether it's friendship or love. You always give so much."

"Well, I do my very best."

"I know. But now it's really your turn."

"Come on, it's not that bad."

"It's not easy, either. You'll see."

"Okay, that is sort of embarassing, whysoever. Well, first of all I think I should mention that there was this electricity on my side as well. It's at the same time somehow reassuring and exciting. I never know if I should cuddle into your chest or take you right there."

Remus swallowed at the thought but had to admit that he was rather flattered. He wouldn't have chosen exactly her words, but on the other side she had explained it well enough.

"I mostly decide on taking you first and then cuddle into your chest, which makes the decision a bit easier. And then there's your kind of humour. The way you move. I never hear you approaching me. I know that you're there because my body sends all the signs reserved for you, but as much as I try, I never hear your footsteps. All that knowledge, that intelligence. Your good taste in books. You always stay calm when it's required, even if everyone else loses track of what's happening. You always know. You're such a wonderful person, with such a good heart it makes me want to cry whenever I think of the cruelcy society meets you with. It's just not fair. I never understood why the others are so afraid of your scars. I think they're beautiful. They're part of you. It shows how much you've been through and you're still the most wonderful person I know. I've gone nuts in your place."

Another smile broke it's way on Remus' face. Somewhere in those not all too connected sentences he almost could see why she was here with him.

"I must say I admire you. Truly. For everything you are. And even though I feel like a spoiled little child when I compare out lives, there's still that deep connection. I just know that we're meant to be, no matter how odd we might look for the rest of the world. I'm whole when you're here with me. There was always something missing. I felt it only distinctly, but it was there. A missing part of me. I never thought about it before I met you. I never knew how big that part actually was. And then you were in my life, and I noticed that that part's really a whole half of me and that it's you I've been missing. It was harder to live without you after I knew what was missing to the feeling of being complete and right where you belong."

Tonks finished her speech and looked up at Remus. Dawn was almost breaking, what had been left of the night had drifted away during their conversation. Though this conversation mostly consisted of monologs. It had been informative though. Shifting a little away from each other, Remus and Tonks locked eyes for the last time before their wedding day. They smiled and Tonks was the one to finally open her mouth.

"I think we should get up now. It's time we act as if we were sleeping. A good book will do the rest of the night. Or better the morning."

So they hid away their empty cups and silently climbed up the stairs to their rooms. Just before they had to part until they would meet at the altar, Tonks gave Remus a quick peck on the lips and disappeared into her room without as much as a look over her shoulder. Grinning like mad, Remus entered his own room. Yes, that tradition was definitely worth keeping. He was more excited thinking of his wedding night than was rational, considering that he already knew what he would get. Or didn't he? Sleeping in different rooms did create a certain atmosphere...


	41. Chapter 41

**Chapter 41**

**The wedding**

When Ted knocked at his door, Remus almost jumped out of bed. He had been immerged in his book, so much he hadn't even looked at the clock. Quickly, he rose and searched the whole room for his suit. Giovanni had taken care of that as well as of Tonks' dress, though he had been a bit more decent with Remus. Not that Remus had seen it, but he doubted that her wedding dress would be anything close to decent.

Finally emerging from the room, Ted ushered him down the stairs in the general direction of the kitchen, before he hurried back upstairs to look after his daughter. This way, Remus was left to the mercy of Andromeda, who was preparing the food in the kitchen. Molly Weasley was already at her side, eagerly cutting vegetables and talking to the bride's mother. Hesitantly, Remus knocked at the door to make his presence known.

"Oh, Remus dear! There you are! We were worried you would sleep through your own wedding day. Arthur is in the living room, you better keep him company. I get the feeling that he is rather bored with all this preparations."

Molly rolled her eyes at her husband's unnatural behaviour and turned back to her vegetables. Andromeda just rose her eyes from her work to offer Remus a smile, then continued whatever she was doing. Feeling superfluous, he followed Molly's advice and made his way to the living room. As predicted, Arthur stood at the window, staring outside and looking quite bored.

"Arthur! Nothing to do, hmm?"

"Remus! Good morning! No, not really. Molly won't have me doing anything at all. I think she fears I could try to make the ceremony more Muggle or something. She probably remembers our own wedding. I did know that there was something wrong with that cable..."

Remus tried to suppress a smile and failed miserably. It was obvious that Arthur wanted to cheer him up, and he was grateful for that. It just wasn't working too well, the excitement only started to kick in.

"Do you think everything will work out?"

"If you worry about the security... Mad-Eye was up the whole night. Both on the chapel and this house are more protection spells than you can possibly imagine. Neither the two of you nor your guests are in any danger."

"And you think everyone will come?"

"Of course they will. What should keep them away? They're probably safer in here than they are at home."

"It's not just that. I mean..."

"You're worrying that it won't be enough?"

"Yes."

"Don't. I bet Tonks will love it. That's what matters, isn't it?"

"I guess you're right."

Remus turned to the window and stared at the scene in front of it. The sun was shining even more brilliant than on Dumbledore's funeral, bird's were singing and the world seemed peaceful. The sight was deceitful, but reassuring nonetheless. At least the weather was playing its part. With a sigh, Remus turned back to Arthur.

"When are we supposed to be in the chapel?"

"In an hour. You really were immerged in that book, hmm?"

"How do you know?"

"Anyone else would have noticed all the noise around the house. Giovanni is torturing Tonks for more than two hours now."

"What does he plan on doing? I want to recognize her at the altar."

"I don't have the slightest idea. But I bet she will look beautiful."

"She always does."

Arthur just smiled and they both got back to staring outside in companionable silence. Time seemed to refuse passing, but after what appeared to be eternity, Ted finally came running down the stairs and told them it was about time to leave for the chapel.

XxxxxxxxxX

The sight was impressing. The tiny chapel seemed to glisten in the sunlight, surrounded by a tidy, emerald lawn and the outskirts of the forest. The sky was so blue it almost looked surrealistic and someone – probably Molly – had spread daisy petals all over the path leading up to the doors. It weren't roses, but Remus knew that Tonks prefered daisies anyway. It was a nice gesture and Remus felt touched at his friend's effort. All of a sudden, Arthur appeared next to him.

"What do you think?"

"You're brilliant. All the flowers... This day is just perfect."

They smiled broadly at each other and followed Ted into the tiny building. The room Remus was led in was so small he would have gone mad hadn't it been for the big window. The sight was so beautiful it did wonders at calming Remus' nerves. Everything seemed well in its place, so why shouldn't he be, too? Thus peaceful, Remus was able to sit down and take a reassuring breath. Everything would go just fine, no need to worry. For today, just for today, there were no Death Eaters, no Voldemort, no war. Just him and Dora and their friends celebrating the most perfect day of all times. As long as he wouldn't think about all the risks they were running, everything would work out just as he wanted it to.

Suddenly, the door opened and a very distressed-looking Ted came bustling in.

"Arthur, we need someone to get the priest. He has just owled in. A bad cold, isn't able to apparate. He will be here for the ceremony, though. That is, if someone picks him up."

"Do you have the adress?"

"Follow me, I left the paper somewhere in the entrance..."

Thus they disppeared, leaving Remus alone to his thoughts. So the perfect day had already stopped being perfect. A wedding with an ill priest. What next? Was there any hope at all? Sighing, Remus leaned back in one of the comfortable looking armchairs and tried not to think too much. This seemed to become a habit since he had first met Nymphadora Tonks. And maybe she was right. Perhaps he was always destroying anything good in his life by simply thinking too much. Sometimes, the brain just needed rest, so that the emotions had time to take over. And where had it got him, rationalising his feelings away? Two years of unhappiness. Unnecessary unhappiness might be added. For one night he had shut up his constantly working mind and now he was happier than he had ever thought possible. Of course, he was nervous and wanted it to be over with. But still, marrying Tonks was the best thing on earth Remus could imagine. Just a few years ago, it had seemed impossible that anyone would ever love him enough to accept his lycantrophy, not even mentioning a marriage. The last time he had been with a woman was so long ago he didn't really want to ponder about it. But now nothing of all that mattered, because today he was marrying the woman of his dreams. Remus had never been a Sirius, he wasn't interested in mindless affairs and one-night-stands. He wanted love and he received so much of it that it made up for all the deceptions.

For a moment, a broad smile appeared on his face. Perhaps he wasn't a Sirius, but he was most positively a James. His friend had waited so long for Lily... Okay, there had been other women, but he had never loved them like he loved Lily. James, usually so arrogant and proud, had endured all the insults, all the hatred Lily had shown him in their time at school. He had never given up, but insisted on their having a chance as a pair until Lily had been ready to believe him. And they had been the most perfect pair – besides Molly and Arthur, maybe – he had ever gotten to know. They had belonged together. Just like him and Tonks. Their love had survived all his tries to destroy it right from the start. They had managed the distance, Tonks' broken heart, most of his doubts. Who was he to mistrust something so durable?

Before this track of thought could continue, the door was thrown open once more. It was Ted.

"The priest's here. He looks a little pale, but I think he will manage the ceremony. Dora just arrived, I think everything will be ready in half an hour. You're okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. How is Dora?"

"She's happy. Personally, I think she's a bit nervous, but she's brave and doesn't show. She grins like mad."

A smile spread on Ted's face and Remus knew everything would turn out all right. Tonks was nervous, but still happy and Ted was radiating joy, which meant that the rest was either working out perfectly or didn't matter because his daughter was overjoyed. No matter what was the cause, Remus joined him in his delight. All of a sudden, Ted became serious again.

"You can manage those thirty minutes, right? I don't want her to stand there, waiting for you and..."

Ted didn't finish his sentence, but Remus immediately knew what he meant.

"Don't worry, Ted. I'll be there. I'm not going anywhere. Not again. I think I learned from my earlier mistakes."

The smile returned on the other man's face.

"Just try not to think too much. I would lend you a book, but then you would probably miss your own wedding."

They laughed together and Ted left the scene to look after his wife and his daughter. Most of the guestes had already arrived, the rest would assumedly not show up at all. Remus didn't mind. Ted was right, it was time to grant his brain some rest. He would just close his eyes for a few seconds and everything would go right...

More than thirty minutes later, Remus was woken by a hammering sound on the door.

"Remus! Remus, what are you doing in there? You will be late for the ceremony."

Ted's voice exuded pure panic. A quick glance on his watch told Remus that he was indeed already late. He jumped off his chair and quickly rubbed his eyes, then stormed out the door and almost stumbled into his father-in-law.

"Not so fast! It's fine, Dora is a bit late as well, no need to panic. You look a little bleary. Did you sleep?"

"I guess so. I just wanted to close my eyes for a few seconds to stop thinking... Well, I was awake all night, I should have sensed it would turn out that way."

"Not so bad. A quick spell and a meeting with the brush and you'll look just fine. Come on, the sooner, the better."

Ted dragged his son-in-law back into the mirror and quickly made him look proper again.

"Thank you, Ted. I think I'm just losing my head a bit."

"That's okay. I've been like this on my wedding day, too. Dromeda had to wait five minutes in front of the altar. I had turned up the volume of the radio to distract me, there was no clock in the room and I didn't hear her father knocking at my door. Sometimes, she's still mad at me for that old thing, but she didn't complain during the wedding night, so it can't have been that horrible. Besides, I know that she's been no better. She'd been late, too. Forgot to wear her mother's necklace and apparted back home. At least I didn't leave the building."

Remus chuckled a bit. He was too nervous to find the story really hilarious, but it was funny enough. Ted pushed him in the chapel and towards the aisle. As soon as he entered the tiny room, everyone's heads turned round. They were all looking at him and Remus became even more nervous. Molly was already weeping, Fleur and the still weak Bill grinned at him. Fred and George were bustling about the altar. Had he not been so nervous, Remus would have been quite distrustful. The twins manipulating a ceremony, of whatever sort it might be, was always a bad sign. Slowly, he approached the altar. The priest was smiling encouragingly at him. He truly looked rather pale, but Remus hoped that he would manage. He himself looked often pretty well done for.

There was no time to think it over again. Shortly after his own arrival, the music set in and Ted and his daughter appeared at the other side of the aisle. Giovanni was rushing in after them and quickly sat down on a bench, next to Robert. But Remus didn't even notice him. He couldn't move his gaze, his eyes were fixed upon Tonks. The dress was just brilliant. Remus had no idea how much time Giovanni had spent on it, but it was worth every single minute. The white was almost blinding. There were no sleeves, the silky fabric hugged every curve down to her hips, from where it fell down to her ankles in soft waves. Figures that reminded of roses were artfully worked in the cloth of the skirt. With every step they disppeared and reappeared in its tucks. For the first time since Remus had met her, she wore high heels, tiny, delicate white things. Up until then, he had failed to notice how breathtakingly beautiful her feet actually were. She wore a silvery anklet over her right ankle. There was a bracelet on her left arm, also made of silver. It matched with the bouquet of pink roses she was holding in her hands. Another one of those roses held the shimmering veil in position, along with some silvery hairpins. Tonks had refused to wear a tiara, she thought it looked too bourgeois. But upon Remus' and Giovanni's insistence – Remus reckoned that Andromeda had talked to her as well – she had accepted to marry in her natural appearance. So instead of a bunch of spiky pink hair, she was sporting them long and black, elegantly pinned up by Giovanni. Her stunningly blue eyes matched well with the necklace she was wearing. It had once belonged to her grandmother and was dominated by a fairly huge sapphire.

To keep it short, Tonks looked her very best. She was practically beaming and had it not been for her father and the rhythm of the music, she would assumedly have run up the stairs that were separating her from her future husband. Ted had difficulties slowing her down and when they finally arrived at the altar, he had to place a calming hand on her shoulder for otherwise she would have jumped into Remus' arms right away. Remus himself found her behaviour endearing, though he, too, had to fight with himself. He wanted to kiss his beautiful bride as soon as possible, but years of self-deprivation had taught him to be patient when he had to be. So he just took her small hand and got lost in her shining blue eyes. The priest had to clear his throat to get any attention at all, the guest's eyes were fixed on the pair in front of him. By now, Molly had to bury her head in Arthur's shoulder to muffle the noise of her crying. During the whole last year she had hoped, but never expected this day to come. Remus could be so stubborn! But in the end, love had beat all odds, including his overanalyzing mind and the sight was so wonderful Molly simply couldn't help herself. Arthur felt very similar, but tried to suppress his feelings. Surely no one wanted to see him cry today. So he just hugged his wife to him and followed the ceremony with shining eyes.

The priest kept his speech short. He knew who he was marrying there. A Metamorphmagus and a werewolf. He had been the only one to agree on the ceremony, so he was the one that had to lead it. His colleagues were suspicious and assumed the whole thing illegal – and unholy. But Lewis Dimons thought different. He didn't care whether the pair in front of him were wizard and witch, Muggles, werewolves or giants. What mattered was that they truly loved each other, so much the marriage was bound to withstand all odds. He had done the job long enough to know when this was the case, and here it was. He didn't think it necessary to hold a long speech about the sense of marriage. Priest Dimons could see that the two in front of him already knew. So he just mentioned the most important key words, some facts he had learned about this complicated and at times very difficult love story and added the best wishes. At exactly two o'clock, p.m., Remus John Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks were declared husband and wife. The moment they shared their first kiss as a married couple, the tiny chapel almost exploded with applaus. Everyone rose from their seats. Fred's and George's spell let tiny golden hearts rain down upon the pair and several white doves materialised, circling over the heads of everyone present. In a rush, Remus and Tonks were led out of the building and out in the beautiful landscape by their cheering friends. Hermione and Ron, who had also been present, fell a few steps back. Ron was hugging his friend to him. During the ceremony, Hermione had started to cry despite her brave resolutions. Ron did his best to calm her down – though it has to be said that he did take advantage of the situation, a little at least.

XxxxxxxxxX

More than six hours later, Tonks and Remus finally stood at the door of the Burrow, ready to apparate home to Remus' – their – flat. Right after the wedding, there had been the best – and probably the biggest – lunch of all times in Molly's and Arthur's garden. The dessert, a giant wedding cake, was so beautiful no one dared to eat it before Molly took the knife and cut slices for everyone. Someone had managed to actually find good music for a whole day and so they had spent the afternoon dancing and singing. Dinner had been ready at five and also everyone was still full of the generous lunch, nearly nothing was left over. They had sat together in groups, making small-talk and telling jokes and anecdotes. There had been a firework arranged by the twins. Everything had been perfect and now the guests had finally left, delighted and most of them a little drunk. Molly tried to make them stay a little while longer, but both Remus and Tonks felt that it was time they got their wedding night. Before they got to tired to do anything. So Molly reluctantly let them go.

At their flat, first thing Tonks sat down on the couch and released her feet from the high heels she had been wearing the whole time. She had more blisters than she could possibly count, so she just looked the other way and with a quick wave of her wand, the pain subsided. Tonks had managed to stay upright the whole day, not stumbling once, despite the height of her shoes. She was rather proud of that fact and Remus was just happy that she hadn't broken her leg or worse. Once the shoes were on the floor, Remus took his wife in his arms and carried her to the bedroom. Tonks thought it funny that he kept so much to tradition, but she didn't laugh. After all, she had been wearing something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue the whole day. And traditions definitely had their charm.


	42. Chapter 42

**Chapter 42**

**Resurfacing**

Barely a week after their wedding, Remus awoke to a shrill sound coming from his bedside table. The sun had hardly risen and the bedroom was pervaded by a dim sort of light. Next to him, Tonks started to move slowly.

"Do we really have to get up right now? It's not like we want to get Harry at eight o'clock in the morning."

"You know Mad-Eye. Who knows what he's preparing for today?"

With a sigh, Tonks pressed a quick kiss on Remus' lips and stumbled out of the bed and in the general direction of the bathroom. Remus sat up in bed and started to fumble with the blanket. He hadn't been looking forward to this day. Of course his wife was always in danger, considering her job and her being a member in the order. But today was different. They would be trying to get Harry out of there and into safety. Harry was what Voldemort wanted the most. He wanted to see the boy dead and he wouldn't hesitate to kill anyone getting in his way. What if his Dora was getting in his way in the course of today's mission? What if he got? Remus didn't want this dream to end so soon. He had been waiting long enough for his chance in life and now that he had finally grabbed it, it felt like the whole world was out to end it again. Tonks was too good to be true and he was scared to death at the thought that he could lose her – this time for good. Anxiously, he jumped out of bed and started to pace the room. It didn't help, either. The thoughts returned again and again. He would lose her. He was almost sure he would lose her this day.

Finally, after what seemed eternity, Tonks returned to the bathroom.

"Remus, you're up? Why didn't you turn the lights on?"

With a quick wave of her wand, Tonks lit up the dark bedroom. One look at her husband told her what was going on.

"Oh Remus, stop worrying. Nothing's going to happen today."

"Yes, it will. It's just too good to be true. I know it, I'm going to lose you this way or another..."

"Remus, you won't. The Death Eaters don't even know about our plan. The order is going to be fine."

"Then there has to be a traitor. I just _know _that something's going to happen. And it won't be pleasant. Belive me. I knew the night when Lily and James were murdered. I just didn't listen to my intuition. I'm not repeating that mistake."

"Remus, calm down. I believe you, I mean, it's not very probable that we'll stay completely safe during the whole mission. But that's our duty. We have to protect Harry with everything we have. And if that means that I have to die for his sake, then I will. You can't change it, anyway. Or do you want to stay at home, watching the others die for us?"

"No! Of course not. It's just... I can't bear the thought of losing you. Especially not after I only had you for a few weeks. I know that that's my own fault, but still. Promise me you won't die today, please, Dora."

"I can't. You know I can't. Just as you can't promise me. We'll have to hope, Remus. That's all we've got."

By now, Remus was shaking and unshed tears stood in his eyes. It was his own fault. He had done everything to keep them apart for so long and if they were to die this very day, then it was his fault that they didn't have any memories together. At least not many. He avoided his wife's eyes and tried to swallow the pain and tears. It would do no good if she saw him crying. She would be even more worried. What if her worries about him distracted her in exactly the wrong moment? Then it would be his fault that she was dead in the first place. And he just knew that his mother-in-law would kill him for letting her daughter die.

All of a sudden, Remus felt small arms encircling his shaking body. Tonks was pressing herself against him, sharing her warmth with him. She got up on her toes in a try to reach his cheeks and kiss the tears away that had somehow found their way out of his eyes. She barely managed, still in her natural appearance. It was pure irony that such a petite, fragile woman had to console a man almost twice her height and age, who had spent almost all of his life bearing the pain of lycantrophy. He had seen most of his friends die in a cruel war and then in another, had dealed with hatred and mistrust. But he just couldn't bear the mere thought of having to live without that delicate being hugging him. Remus bet she felt like him, but she wasn't breaking down in tears, making it harder for him. Instead, she stood tall – well, as tall as she could manage – and did her best to console him. She was kissing his tears away, when he shouldn't even shed them and she was supporting his weight when his knees gave in, where he should be carrying her on his hands. Nymphadora Lupin, as he had to remind himself – had never been stronger. She was a born fighter and now she had more to fight for than ever before. Remus felt ashamed that he wasn't even able to be strong for her, seeing that he couldn't provide for her as well. But he knew she didn't need that. His tiny wife was strong enough for both of them. He had to trust her words. They would make it through that day. They had to.

Grateful, he finally accepted her offer and let her help him onto the bed. When she let go of him to kneel down in front of him and get a better view of his face, it almost got too much. She shouldn't be kneeling in front of him, for whatever reason. _He _should be on his knees, thanking the gods or whatever it was that had brought them together. He didn't deserve her. No one could ever deserve that beautiful, strong, wild creature. She was too good for this life, a goddess, an angel. Even her voice was celestial.

"Remus? Are you all right? We will be fine. As long as you believe we will be. You do believe in us, don't you?"

"Of course I do. I've never believed more in anything."

His voice was husky and shaking, but he managed to get the words out after some time.

"See? That's all that matters. We can make it. Don't start to doubt. We have to do this and you know it. We have to fight Voldemort. We both know what this means. We could die any minute. I know the risk. But I'm running it with pleasure as long as I know that there's the chance to come home to you. I've never felt stronger or braver in my whole life. And once my day comes, I'll take it with pride, knowing that I died as Nymphadora Lupin."

She stared at him with those glowing eyes, shining with tears of her own. Remus knew that she meant every word she'd just said. With a weak grin, he pulled her on his lap and buried his head in her soft black hair. It was sticking out in all directions, obviously she hadn't cared to brush it yet. He didn't mind. Tonks was in his arms and she was right. It was their duty to protect Harry. Especially his, now that he was the last surviving Marauder. Peter had lost that title the night he betrayed his friends to Voldemort. He could face that task with a grin, or he could spend his time pondering about the oncoming losses. Remus knew which way he wanted to choose.

"You're right, Dora. We will make it.", he murmured into her hair. Grinning, she lifted her head from his shoulder to bring her lips up to his. They met in a passionate kiss which reminded him at the same time of what he refused to lose and all the reasons he was fighting for. If they just stayed here doing nothing, he would lose her soon enough to Voldemort's terror regime. They had to fight, and so they would. Remus gently pushed Tonks from his lap and rose, looking for his clothes. Tonks looked a little disappointed that they wouldn't go any further for now, but she smiled nonetheless and turned to her wardrobe.

XxxxxxxxxX

Several hours later, the order prepared to enter the Dursley's house. The Polyjuice Potion was stuffed securely into Mad-Eye's pockets. They positioned the thestrals, brooms and Hagrid's motorcycle in the garden carefully, making sure that no Muggle would see them. Tonks wore her usual spikey pink hair, still not willing to keep her natural appearance in public. She shot her husband a nervous grin, then turned to Mad-Eye to receive further information about the exact course of their mission. All Remus could manage in return was a small tired smile. He hid it by following Arthur into the house. They took place in the kitchen until Harry's arrival and Remus leaned back against the wall nervously. Of course both he and Tonks had accepted missions for the order after their wedding, but this time was simply nerve-wracking. Perhaps because the whole order was in danger. For a short moment, he forgot to worry about the possibilities when his newlywed wife touched his hand upon passing the doorway. He felt the cold metal of her wedding band graze his skin. He hoped that no one saw the proud grin that crossed his face as he thought about the meaning of this ring. Tonks was his and nothing could separate them, not even a bunch of bloodlusty Death Eaters. A sharp look from Mad-Eye brought him back to reality.

A few minutes later, Harry entered the kitchen. He seemed confused upon seeing so many order members in one place. They quickly explained him their plan. Remus felt another wave of joy pass through him at the true smile on the boy's face when Tonks told him about their marriage. But right now there was no time for this. It was time to concentrate on their mission. They couldn't need mistakes.

The happenings in the kitchen turned into a blur. Remus hardly noticed the changing bodies and disgusted expressions. He couldn't remember the way into the garden. The first thing he was able to notice again were George's arms encircling his waist so that he wouldn't fall from the broom at the first movement. It reminded him of a similar situation earlier that day and he searched his wife with his gaze. Finally, he found her, just in time to see Ron shooting him a tortured grin. Of course he didn't like it to see someone else clinging to his Dora that way, but he knew that Ron had no bad intentions. It was necessary and if anyone _wasn't _a rival, then it was the tall, awkward Ron whose heart beat for Hermione's sake. Remus trusted Tonks with everything he had, no matter if Ron shared a broom with her or Kingsley. Concentrating on their mission once more, both Remus and George waited for their sign.

When they finally took off, Remus noticed almost immediately that there was something wrong. His intuition hadn't failed him, after all. Right after they left the protection spells around the Dursley's house, they were surrounded by Death Eaters. Curses flew in all directions, more than one Unforgivable missed them by mere centimetres. Out of the corners of his eyes, he saw Tonks and Ron rushing off in the opposite directions. But there was no time to worry. The next curse nearly had him fall off the broom and only George's steady grip held him in position. They fired back as often as they could without losing their way with the landscape flashing by beneath them. It was difficult to keep track, but they managed. One of Remus' better aimed jinxes removed the hood of one of the Death Eaters. Shocked, they stared in Snape's face. George tightened his grip on his wand and shot back with everything he had. None of his curses hit their enemies. With a lazy flick of his wand, Snape led them all in different directions. Shaking with fury, George didn't cease firing curse after curse and his wild movement forced Remus to use both his hands to keep the broom steady. A killing curse almost hit him and he had to turn sharply to his left. Some seconds later, he heard a muffled cry and something wet and warm drenched his coat. With an alarmed look back, he saw the side of George's head – or what was left of it. Blood ran down his cheek and his neck in a startling speed and quantity. He had gone all pale and almost fell off the broom. Remus used the one hand he could spare to keep the boy behind him. He looked up to meet the committer's eye – it was Snape. Who had he been expecting? Of course it was Snape. _Sectumsempra _had always been a specialty of his. And it seemed that he had just proved this on George. The latter's ear seemed to be missing, which would explain the seemingly never-ending stream of blood. Remus looked back to Snape's sneering face. The old bastard was probably proud of his doings. But before Remus could think of any curse strong enough to be worth the effort of throwing it at Dumbledore's murderer – and if he didn't react fast enough on George's as well – most of the Death Eaters disappeared, including Snape. Remus didn't waste his time getting enraged over the revenge he wouldn't get, but took up speed to avoid further curses and save George from bleeding to death.

XxxxxxxxxX

Curses were coming from all sides. Tonks thanked Merlin that she knew where she had to go and broke through the circle of Death Eaters surrounding them. At least five of them turned to follow them, the rest focused on the other groups. Tonks took up speed and screamed at Ron to turn around and curse as many as he could get. He did a good job, grabbing her waist with one hand so he wouldn't lose his balance and waving his wand in every direction. Every now and then, when she knew she wouldn't lose track of their destination, she turned around herself and shot every curse coming to her mind into the bunch of dark wizards. Most of them missed by inches, but some hit their aim and ensured them a certain headstart. Ron was able to knock one of them off. The others continued, not even trying to save their comrade. Suddenly, there was screaming behind them and Tonks turned round just in time to see Bellatrix coming after them. Of course her crazy aunt had to be out to get at her. She shouted something about 'dishonouring the Black family tree' and 'half-breeds' which she took as related to her marriage with Remus. Rolling her eyes, she hardly escaped a killing curse aimed directly at her. Luckily her aunt was too focused on her niece to try and kill Ron. Had Bellatrix aimed at him, he would have been dead by now.

Furious, Tonks shot some of the worst curses she had learned during her training in the direction of her aunt. The latter blocked them easily. Ron managed to knock out another of the Death Eaters. Bellatrix didn't seem to notice him although he was facing her directly. She was too involved in her private battle with her niece. The other Death Eaters were way too scared to dare interrupt her. So it were five against one and Tonks saw no way to help Ron. All she could do was keeping control over the broom, arriving at their destination and not being killed by Bellatrix. Another series of screams and loud pops behind them changed their plans. From one second to the other, Bellatrix and most of the other Death Eaters had disappeared again, leaving only a few on their track. Tonks almost laughed when she heard those poor idiots crash into the wards around Great Aunt Muriel's estate.

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They had made it to the wards, bu there was no time to revel in their safety. George had lost conscience a long time ago and blood was still running down his head. Remus carried him as best as he could and reached for their portkey. Minutes later, they were crashing down in the garden of the Burrow. The others came rushing to them. As soon as George's condition was clear, he was carried into the building, where Molly and Ginny waited for the injured. Remus followed them. Once in the room, knowing that Molly could handle the situation and George would most probably not die right away, he spotted Harry. Rage came up. Someone had betrayed them, he had known it. Who knew if this was the real Harry? Before he knew it, Remus had pushed the poor boy into the kitchen, got a hard grip on him and shouted safety questions. He heard Hagrid's objections and the reproach in his voice, but he was too wracked with guilt to care. George's injury was his fault. He should have paid more attention.

Finally, when he was sure that Harry was the real Harry Potter, he let go of him. Another wave of guilt rushed through him. The boy had lived through so much and he was accusing him. But there had been no other way to make sure that he wasn't the traitor. Exhausted and tired, he closed his eyes. And noticed something else. There was no one at his side, no one who placed an understanding hand on his shoulder when everyone else shot him those reproachful looks. Where was Tonks? She should have been here right before him. He stormed out of the house, asking everyone if Tonks had already arrived. They shot him pitying looks. Only Hermione seemed to understand. After all, Ron had been on that broom as well. And Hermione had more to regret than Remus. He had noticed their dancing around each other in his year at Hogwarts and since then, there had been almost no change at all. Should the Death Eaters have gotten at them, he had at least taken his chance and married his love. Remus looked in the opposite direction and shook his head discreetly. He shouldn't be thinking that way. Not now.

So he gazed into the sky and waited, the other at his side.

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Aunt Muriel seemed a very rough personality at first sight, but deep down she was just a sweet old woman. During the past few minutes, she had cared for cocoa, biscuits and warm blankets for her guests, especially for Ron. She had pampered them so much that they had missed their portkey. Tonks had jumoped from her seat upon seeing the glowing light disappear without them. A glance at her watch assured her that she had just missed it. Remus would die with sorrow. If he had made it. Tonks shook her head and refused every other thought in that direction. She grabbed Ron's hand and pulled him up with her, leaving an awful mess of blankets and spilled cocoa on the floor. While running for the door, she shouted some excuses and several 'Thank you's'. Once outside, she took the broom, made sure that Ron was right behind her and took off into the sky. They had to pick up speed as not to worry the others. She could see the same panic she was feeling in Ron's eyes. Surely the boy thought of Hermione and her reaction. The two were so obvious she had felt almost discreet about her outburst in the Hospital wing.

Still, Tonks was shaking at the thought what she would have felt had Remus missed his portkey. She made the broom do his utmost and hoped that they would arrive safely.

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Something appeared in the skies. Maybe it was just the sixtiest time he was mistaking a bird or a leaf for his beloved Dora, but he had to hope. The others noticed it, too. The silhouette came closer and closer and at some point, it became obvious that it were two humans on a broom. Remus' heart almost stopped beating when he saw them skidding across the lawn in an attempt to slow down the broom. He was next to his wife before he knew it and she stumbled into his arms, still weak from their fast ride. On the other side, Ron tried to stay steady on his own two feet. His work was ruined by Hermione nearly jumping into his arms.

Remus' heart raced with relief – and fury. Why had she let him wait if she was all right? He heard her stutter something about being pampered by Aunt Muriel and missing the portkey and his heart clenched. He heard her spit out Bellatrix' name and it constricted even more. Bellatrix. Of course. She wouldn't let her niece get off with marrying a werewolf. Why had he never thought of Bellatrix before? He had endangered his Dora more than he had known. His heart became heavy. Tonks tried to be cheerful and congratulated Ron to his well-aimed curses, but he knew that she felt him getting rigid next to her. He hadn't returned her hug. She was becoming uneasy as well.

Bill's and Fleur's landing next to them made it even worse. They reported Mad-Eye's death and Mundungus' betrayal – what had they expected? Of course Dung would take flight as soon as there was any immediate danger. Finally, Tonks broke down in tears. Her first tears of the day, despite all. He could feel her heart break next to him, but all he could do was reaching in his pockets and offering her a handkerchief. That was a rather pathetic try and he knew that he should have taken her in his arms, but he couldn't. The doubts were invading his head again and Tonks wasn't in a state to chase them away. He knew she felt alone and cold right then, but he couldn't change it. He felt like he was dreaming and he didn't even feel the movement as he followed the others into the Burrows.

The first sip of firewhiskey brought him back into reality. Mad-Eye was dead. Someone had to find his body. His gaze wandered to Bill and the young man nodded. They approached the kitchen door, but were held back by their women. Remus saw the desparation in Tonks' eyes. She needed him at her side, not out there looking for the dead body of her mentor. But he couldn't. His mind was drowning in doubts, doubts that had chased him the whole day and were violently pulled to the surface by the very name of Bellatrix Lestrange. He turned away and left with Bill.


	43. Chapter 43

**Chapter 43**

**Illusions**

As they returned to their flat that night, Tonks tried to pull herself together. Remus wasn't much of a help and she could see him withdrawing from her again, but she just didn't have the energy to chase his doubts right then. Memories of Mad-Eye were troubling her mind and she knew that she would probably get no sleep tonight – or very little, at least. She longed for the soothing heartbeat of her husband next to her, but as soon as they crawled into bed, Remus went for the edge as far away from her as possible without falling off. Sighing inaudibly, Tonks turned to face his back and closed her eyes. If she tried hard enough, maybe she could imagine him being much closer instead of seeing Mad-Eye's face over and over again, knowing that he would never again remind her to keep 'Constant vigilance!'.

The next morning didn't start any better. Remus was already up and made breakfast when Tonks awoke from the hardly refreshing bit of sleep she had had. Fresh tears flew down her cheeks as she thought of her mentor's death. They couldn't even find his body. What had they done to him? Mad-Eye had been a god for her, despite his obvious scars somehow immortal. All of a sudden, a wave of nausea hit her and she had to run for the bathroom. Coughing and fighting for air, Tonks threw up everything she had eaten the previous day – at least it seemed like that. Pale and shivering with cold, she tumbled out of the bathroom and fell back onto the bed. This fit of sickness had been quite sudden, but thinking of her dead mentor and what the other side had possibly done with his body could be responsible for that. Inhaling deeply, Tonks closed her eyes and tried to drift off again. Remus wasn't too agreeable a company in his current mood and she still didn't feel up to changing his mind. She wasn't ready to hear the same sermon for the umpteenth time. She wasn't ready to fight with him when all she really needed was for him to hold her and comfort her. Was she asking that much? All she wanted was his love and he still refused her that, no matter what his vows said. Tired of everything, Tonks curled up beneath the blankets and fell asleep as soon as her head touched the pillow.

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Remus started to worry. He had started on breakfast more than half an hour ago. He was convinced that Tonks had to smell that. So why wasn't she showing up? She had to be hungry after yesterday's events. Or maybe not. He remembered refusing food for a week after the death of his best friends. Or maybe she didn't want to eat with him because he behaved horridly. Remus knew that much, but he couldn't change it. He didn't have much sleep that night. His constant tries to keep his distance from Tonks and thoughts of death and desparation had kept him up most of the time. He had heard her tossing and turning on the other side of the bed, but he had done nothing to wake her from her nightmares or soothe her. He needed to stay away from her as much as possible if he wanted to think clearly. She was clouding up his mind with her presence. But it wasn't that easy to just ignore his wife. And right now he was worried. With a sigh, he decided that her well-being was worth more than his noble attitudes and went looking after her.

He hadn't exactly expected what he found when he entered their bedroom. Tonks was curled up in the middle of the bed, shivering and sweating, her skin an unhealthy tone of grey. She didn't seem to be conscious, her eyes were shut closely. When he took a quick look into the bathroom, it was obvious what had happened there. His wife was sick and all he was thinking about was how he could best get out of her way. Shaking his head in disbelief, he finally remembered his duties as a husband and carefully took her into his arms. She was horribly light and continued shivering against his chest. In a hurry, he made his way through the flat and to the chimney, destination: St. Mungos.

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Tonks awoke with a start. Her eyes told her that she definitely wasn't at home in her cozy bed and the smell was distinctive. She was at St. Mungos and she had absolutely no idea how she had gotten there in the first place. Why was she here? It had been nothing but a little fit of nausea, nothing too dramatic considering the events of the previous night. Had Remus brought her here? On the other hand, would he even pay her enough attention to notice her sickness? Confused, Tonks fell back onto her pillow the very instant the door to her room opened, revealing a broadly grinning healer.

"Ah, Mrs. Lupin, we're finally awake. Good. I have important news for you."

"Where is my husband?"

Her voice broke a bit towards the end, her throat was still sore from her morning meeting with the toilet.

"He's downstairs, getting you some coffee. Do you want to wait until he's here?"

"No, no. Go on. Maybe it's better if I hear it first. So, what is the matter with me? Anything serious?"

"No, don't worry. A little circulation collapse. Completely normal for a woman in your state."

"In my state? What are you talking of?"

Surely that healer couldn't already know about Mad-Eye. And Remus would never tell someone anything that was order business. So what the hell was he talking of?

"I thought you might have sensed it yourself. Congratulations, Mrs. Lupin. You're pregnant."

For a second, the world stopped spinning and Tonks couldn't breathe. She was pregnant. But how? Her mind was racing with incredible speed, searching all her memories with Remus for the one night they hadn't been careful enough. It finally settled on one specific evening: the night of Dumbledore's death. Of course. None of them had thought about anything that night. Now that she knew when and how, one might have expected that the world would continue spinning. But it didn't. Tonks' racing mind carried on, took her further than she wanted to go. Remus. Her husband. He had already started withdrawing from her again. What would he say if he knew about the child? He would hate her for not being careful enough, he would reproach her for getting pregnant in such times as these, with a husband like him. She would have to listen to the whole sermon again, worse this time, and it would be her fault. Remus would leave her, she knew that much. He had set his limits and she had crossed the line. A child didn't exactly fit into their plans for the future. Not right now. Maybe one day, she would have been able to convince him that starting a family wasn't such a bad idea, after all. One day, when the war would be over and Voldemort defeated. When the wizarding society would have learned from its mistakes and Remus would be able to find a well-paid job. But not now!

Head still spinning, Tonks tried to get over her initial shock. She inhaled deeply, trying to slow down her mind and the apocalyptic pictures it was drawing. At some point, the world started to move again, slowly at first, then faster. Her mind cleared a bit and the rest of the message found its way into her conscious. She was having a baby! Not any baby, Remus' baby! Before she knew it, a stupidly wide grin crossed her face. No matter what times they were in, that was the best thing that could have possibly happened! Remus would calm down just as she had caught herself when the message would finally get to him. They had created a new life! A new tiny life in her stomach. A spark of life that was not visible now, but it was there. It reminded of his existence by making her throw up, hopefully every morning from now on. Sure, it wasn't too enjoyable, but it meant that the tiny spark was still there. That she wasn't dreaming this. That she was actually carrying the child of Remus Lupin, the man she loved more than herself. Another deep breath. She was his wife and she was carrying his baby! How could he leave her now? Of course he wouldn't. She hadn't been thinking. He would be happy. It would be difficult, but they would make it through. What had made her believe any different? Nervously, she sat on the edge of the bed and waited for Remus to share the good news.

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It was unbelievable how slow that guy in the cafeteria could brew a simple coffee. Remus was already standing there for more than five minutes at least. He wanted to get back to his wife to learn what was wrong with her so that he could finally continue ignoring her the best he could manage. He needed to get away as fast as possible, both from this cafeteria and his wife. He wasn't much of a help for her, instead he ruined her life. She deserved better. She deserved someone who wouldn't cause her own aunt to want to kill her even more than beforehand. She needed someone who could provide for her, who could give her what she truly wanted. Someone who could start a family with her, who could be there for her when she needed him. He wasn't the husband, the man she needed. He was just a poor old werewolf who had been dreaming for too long. This had to end. He couldn't continue this marriage just because he didn't want to let her go. He had been selfish accepting her offer in the first place. He shouldn't have accepted her love, that night, the wedding. And he didn't just accept it. He had even proposed to her! Remus was still shaking with fury over his own thoughtless naivety. How could he have believed that he would be enough? That they would be enough? Nothing was strong enough to withstand the wolf. And if it was, it was taken from him another way. He would never be able to keep her. He'd rather let her go now than have to bury her in some months.

Finally, the cafeteria boy got his work done. Remus grabbed the coffee without a word and hurried up the stairs. The healer should have returned by now. He skidded around the corner and came to a stop in front of the door he knew Tonks was behind. Maybe she was still unconscious. That would make things much easier for him. There wasn't a sound from the other side of the door. Was that a good sign? Taking a deep breath, Remus gathered all his courage and entered. Tonks was up and obviously healthy, she sat on the edge of the bed, turned in his direction, a broad grin on her face. Confused, Remus shot a look at the healer. Why was she so happy? The healer gave him an equally stupid grin. Now Remus really didn't know what to make out of the situation. After all, this was a hospital. The patients should look sad or at least ill after getting their diagnosis. They shouldn't sit on their beds as if they were about to jump up and hug anyone that got in their way. Which was exactly what Tonks did. She actually throw herself into his arms and hugged him to her with a strength he hadn't suspected in that fragile woman. The healer crossed the room and was at their side in no time. He mumbled something that sounded very much like "Congratulations" and left the room, promising to return as soon as possible. Still confused, Remus tried to free himself from the suffocating hug of his wife and get some distance between them. He finally succeeded and the sight in front of him made him swallow hard. Tonks was practically beaming at him. And surely not because Dumbledore and Mad-Eye were dead.

"Remus, I'm pregnant."

He had misunderstood. He had to. It was simply not possible. His wife, his Dora, couldn't be pregnant. Not right now, not from him. Merlin, who knew what would become of that child? What if it inherited the werewolf genes? How could that have happened? They had been careful! Well, except for that one night after Dumbledore's death... Before Remus could continue his train of thought, Tonks had pulled him in another hug. He couldn't breathe and her news was still setting his mind spinning. A child. An innocent child would have to bear his lycantrophy because he hadn't been careful. His arms just hung limply at his sides, he wasn't able to return the hug. All he could do was staring at the wall opposite from him and praying that this was just a dream. After what seemed to be eternity, Tonks finally took a step back and searched his face, a worried expression on hers. He hadn't said a word after her revelation. He didn't know what his expression looked like, but it was obvious that it didn't appeal to his wife. The worry in her soft features deepened. The sound of the door opening again broke the silence and Remus turned to see the healer. The man still had a broad grin plastered on his face. He seemed to be insensitive for the atmosphere in the room. He just kept on smiling and directed his words to Tonks. He said something about not morphing during the pregnancy because no one knew what that would do to the baby, but Remus only listened with half an ear. His mind was still set on the crime he had committed. He had passed his condition to an innocent child. His innocent child, at that. And who knew what would happen to his wife if she was indeed pregnant with a werewolf? The world spun even faster. It would be just his luck to have his wife and child killed like this. He had been stupid enough to try and be happy, now he received the punishment. Remus wanted desperately to sit down, but he didn't want to break down in front of that always grinning healer. He had more questions than the man could possibly answer. Wordless, he caught Tonks' wrist and pulled her with him, out of the room, down the corridor, the staircase, on to the chimneys. He grabbed the Floo powder and only seconds later, they stood in their living room in a huge cloud of dust, caughing violently.

When the caughs subsided, Remus turned round to his wife. The worried expression was back on her face and she didn't avert her eyes. Those glowing blue miracles were fixed upon his and he saw no way to avoid her staring. He knew that she would force the truth out of him, now rather than later. He took a deep breath to start his explanation and to prepare himself for the dispute that was to come. But before he had the possibility to say anything at all, Tonks turned her head and plastered an artificiel smile on her face.

"We missed breakfast. Shall I fix you something from what is left?"

Her tone was so forced it almost broke his heart. She placed one hand on her stomach and smiled up at him, a shy smile, accompanied by a blush. His heart missed a beat and the voice in the back of his head that screemed in euphoria at the thought of his beautiful, lovely wife carrying his child drowned out all his doubts, even if it was just for a second. If he weren't a werewolf, this would be the happiest day of his life. But he was and they were in the middle of a war. He knew that and Tonks knew that as well. She also knew what he had been about to say, what he still had to say, if not now. But she refused to hear it. She tried to ignore it, pretending that if Remus didn't say the words, they wouldn't have consequences. But they both knew better than that. They knew he would leave. They knew he couldn't be happy for them because the thought that he might have infected an innocent child was stronger than the happiness he felt at the prospect of becoming a father. This was an illusion. But he just didn't have the heart to break her, to destroy that sweet smile and to force this protective hand from her still flat stomach. Not right now. He would let her live that illusion, just for a few days. When they both were strong enough to handle the situation he was about to get them into. Just a few days. He would give her until Bill's and Fleur's wedding.


	44. Chapter 44

**Chapter 44**

**No time to celebrate**

Three days later, they were preparing for Harry's birthday party. Molly had organised everything, so that Remus and Tonks didn't have much of a saying in the whole thing. They would still attend the party, though, after all, Harry was almost a son to Remus. Otherwise, Remus would'nt show up there at all. He didn't feel like celebrating anything. Not when he planned on leaving his wife tomorrow. On the other hand, he should probably enjoy those last few hours he spent at her side. Sighing, he tried to smoothe the wrinkles all over his shabby clothes. Looking into the mirror, he figured he didn't look too happy and tried to force a smile on his lips. But his expression remained sad, thus he gave up on it and turned his back to the cruel piece of glass. Every morning, Tonks turned in front of it, all excitement, to see whether there was a trace of a baby bump by now. But of course there wasn't, as she wasn't even two months into pregnancy. Still it made his heart constrict with guilt whenever he saw her like that. She was so excited and happy, her smile lit up the whole house. They had been over at her parents' just yesterday and while Andromeda seemed just as excited as her daughter, Ted had been eyeing Remus throughout the whole evening. He'd bet his right hand that Ted knew exactly what he was about to do, so Remus had kept at Tonks' side to avoid a private conversation with his father-in-law.

And Tonks' parents hadn't been the first ones to share the happy news. Of course there was a letter to Charlie the moment Tonks had found enough rest to sit down and write, and Giovanni had been on the door steps the very same day they'd learned about the pregnancy. There had been an awful lot of tears and Robert and Remus had stood aside, both looking quite unhappy. Remus could only guess what the other man felt, but he seemed to consider himself just as unworthy as Remus, for not being able to make his lover a father. The question was if Giovanni even wanted or needed that or if he wouldn't be just as happy to fret over Tonks' child, but the thought led to other ones including whether Tonks wouldn't be happier if he just stayed and be a good father and husband, no matter what others said or what would become of their child. So Remus decided to not follow that train of thought and instead accept the congratulations half-heartedly, waiting for it to be over. He saw the hurt flicker in his wife's eyes when he couldn't even muster a smile for her best friends, but he just couldn't help it. He couldn't be happy over ruining the life of an innocent child before it even had a chance. So he just turned his back to her and worked about in the kitchen. Tonks got the hint and disappeared in the livingroom, making herself comfortable with a book. He knew she wasn't really reading it, as much as he wasn't actually cooking anything for dinner. He wanted to go over and sit down next to her, take her in his arms and tell her that everything would be just fine, but that would be a lie. Nothing was fine. He had messed up everything. And he was continuing doing so without being able to stop himself. He had promised her to stop being the greatest git ever, to not turn away from her anymore, and he couldn't keep any of those promises.

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Tonks desperately tugged at her dress robes and tried to morph her hair the shining blonde she had planned on. It turned out a bit more dull than she had intended to, but it would do for today. Carefully, she shot a glance at Remus who was just about to disppear into the livingroom to wait for her. These last days, he never stayed longer in a room with her than necessary. In the mornings, she sprinted towards the bathroom to revisit her dinner before she was really awake and when she returned, he was already gone, making breakfast or distracting himself by other means. It hurt more than she wanted to admit, but she really wished he would kneel at her side, hold up her then still unmorphed hair and soothe her, both with calming words and a cooling hand for her burning forehead. Of course he never did and it was probably really embarassing to throw up next to someone all the time, but still she wondered whether she wouldn't feel much better if he did. Or if he cared at all. Tonks didn't dare to ask anything of Remus because she feared his reaction. As much as she tried to not think about it, deep down she knew that he was about to leave her, in spite of the baby. And if she started to become demanding, he would leave even faster. Even though he was still sleeping on the other side of the bed, as far away as possible, she couldn't bear the thought of losing him any earlier than she already had to.

Finally, her robes fit the way she had intended on and Tonks crossed the threshold of the livingroom. Remus was already sitting on the edge of the coach, pretending to read the _Daily Prophet. _Tonks knew he didn't actually read it, or elsewise he wouldn't remain on the same page for so long. After all, the _Prophet_ still wasn't much of a source of information, controlled by the ministry, which was by now more or less controlled by Voldemort and his followers. Nobody said it out loud, but it was obvious in the changed policies of some ministry coworker or another. Since her visit in St. Mungos, Tonks hadn't been to work, so she could only guess that Voldemort's influence had increased in the meantime. Shaking her blond curls to get her mind away from the subject, she crossed the room and headed for the door. She knew Remus would hear her anyway and follow. They hadn't really spoken these last days. It weighed heavily on Tonks, but she kept on going. As long as Remus was at least physically present, there was still hope. Just because they didn't touch or talk anymore didn't mean everything was lost by now. Maybe a nice party in a familiar surrounding would get him out of his constant worrying and back into her life. The contact with the children could help, too. Though they were hardly children anymore. Still, Remus had that professor/father gene that might come back to the surface and remind him of the positive sides of having a pregnant wife.

XxxxxxxxxX

The garden of the Burrow was bursting with life. Everyone seemed to be here to celebrate with Harry. There wasn't much to celebrate since the order members knew that Harry would have to fulfill whatever task Dumbledore had given him on his own – not counting Ron and Hermione – and most probably give his life in the course of that mission. So his coming off age wasn't really a happy moment, but in times of war everyone grabbed every occasion to feel a bit more alive and a bit less frightened. And although his thoughts were rather depressing as usual, Remus couldn't help but smile at the boy, the son of his best friend. Seventeen years had passed since that night James' Patronus had appeared in his bedroom and practically screamed at him to get his sorry arse up because Harry James Potter had just been born into this world and demanded his presence. Remus remembered every second of that night, the feelings that had run through his veins as he stared down on this tiny creature, so full of life and adorable. Sirius had teased him about the father genes kicking in, but he had been right at some point. Remus had always adored babies, or better said children in general. Whenever they were around, Remus was the first to hold them and tell the mother what a beautiful child she had, to run to their aid and wipe the tears away when they had fallen, to invent fantastic stories to entertain whole groups sitting in front of him, mouths open in awe. Children never judged him for something they could hardly understand. And the thought that out of all those children his own child would look up at him with disgust because it had to go through the same procedure every month and knew pain since before it could even speak or walk pained him so much it needed all his strength not to cringe at the idea. How was he to explain to his son or daughter that they had to go through this because daddy hadn't been careful? How in the name of Merlin should he be able to sit in some random place and wait for his transformation when he knew that his child was out there somewhere, enduring the same pain, and Tonks was probably breaking down at home because she had to anticipate the death of either her child or her husband or even both? His smile faltered the moment he averted his gaze from Harry and he felt Tonks tense next to him. She knew the mood he was in and tried her best to seem the cheerful person she usually was to distract the others from worrying, but she failed the longer they stayed.

Scrimgeour's arrival was almost a relief. The ministry's current policy towards werewolves wasn't too gentle, and Remus couldn't even reproach them for that. Since he had left the colony for good after Dumbledore's death, there had been even more attacks on wizarding families, especially on young children. Some of them had suffered severe injuries, ending up dead or in hospitals, others had been dragged to the colony with their screaming parents running after them trying to catch up. But they couldn't. A wolf was much faster than a human could ever manage. Greyback knew that and although he was in wolf form, Remus was sure he enjoyed the desperate screams and their pathetic attempts to save their children. And as a werewolf was a werewolf, after all, he took flight when Kingsley announced the minister's arrival. Tonks didn't even have the time to greet her colleague, he just grabbed her wrist and pulled her along. When they arrived at their flat, Remus headed straight to the bedroom, took his blanket and a pillow and arranged them on the coach. Tonks stood frozen in the doorway, watching him with tears in her eyes. She couldn't move, even though she didn't want to stay there and have that conversation. She felt herself shrink to her natural seize, her hair darkening. She thanked Merlin that she had only morphed her hair and her legs, because she didn't have any control over herself right then. She didn't want to imagine what could have happened to the baby had she morphed anything in the vicinity of her stomach. After all, the healer was right in forbidding her to morph too drastically, but she had wanted to look her best for Harry's birthday party. Just one more tiny morph for the wedding and she would accept her fate. Which was most probably quite brown-haired as she watched her husband taking residence on the coach rather than in their bed. That was a definite sign. He had made up his mind. Tonks just knew that he would leave tomorrow, keeping on the facade for the wedding and then no longer. She tightened the grip on her wand and stormed into the bedroom, trying not to trip over her now overly long dress robes. She fought down the tears until she had made it through the door. She took shuddering breath after shuddering breath until she had succeeded in closing the stupid thing and casting a silencing spell. Remus already felt guilty for two, he wouldn't need to hear her crying. Slowly, she sank down to the floor with her back against the door, burying her head in her hands. She cried as hard as she could, awaiting doom. For the first time since Remus had given in, she didn't want to see the next morning rise.


	45. Chapter 45

**Chapter 45**

**Weddings and quittings**

But of course, Tonks had no choice. The morning of Bill's and Fleur's wedding, she found herself still on the floor of her bedroom, right in front of the door. She hadn't moved a muscle after breaking down the night before, which her body seemed to take as an insult as it refused further cooperation. Tonks was hardly able to stand up and make it to the bathroom in time, as it was her habit by now. With tears in her eyes, both of physical and emotional agony, she slowly made her way to the door and unlocked it. Carefully, she took a glance into the livingroom to check if Remus was still in there, but the noise coming from the kitchen told her that he was already up making breakfast. Quickly and as silently as possible, she closed the door again and headed back into the bathroom for a shower. Remus didn't really have to know that she had slept on the floor in her dress robes.

So when she finally was dressed, the traces of her breakdown vanished, she walked into the kitchen, beaming as brightly as she could. She wouldn't make this easy on him. She wouldn't sulk or cry or reproach him. She would just act as if she didn't know what he was going to do. Tonks wasn't sure whether he would buy that, but she was willing to try. She would smile the whole day until he would be saying the words that would make her cry inevitably.

When he heard Tonks come through the door, Remus turned for the first time this day. He had been waiting for her to come in quite some time now, but he didn't want to have to face her any sooner than was necessary. The smile on her face made him frown. He had anticipated tears, or hatred, but not a smile. She just acted as if she didn't know exactly what he would be doing this very evening. Irritated, Remus shook his head. He was pretty sure that his wife knew what was going on in his head. So why had she decided on pretending she didn't? To punish him? He deserved it, that much was certainly true, but that wasn't the Tonks he knew. Tonks never played games. She was honest and frank. What was she playing at?

"Remus, honey, good morning! What is there for breakfast? I hope you didn't forget the eggs, I could die for scrambled eggs right now... Do we have strawberries? And chocolate? An odd combination, but somehow it seems rather appealing to me right now..."

"Tonks, what are you doing here?"

"So it's Tonks now? I never thought I'd ever say that, but I prefer Nymphadora. At least when you say it."

"Don't change the subject. What's going on here?"

"I'm not allowed to smile any more? I'll just ignore that you forgot to wish me a good morning, though it's quite impolite. Would you mind passing me the plate over there? Thanks plenty, my dear."

Still beaming, Tonks sat down at the kitchen table and started to mingle her egg with the aforementioned strawberries and chocolate. Remus stomach turned upon watching her, he didn't know if he should keep on staring, wondering if she would actually eat that horrible combination, or if he'd better avert his eyes in case she did. He still didn't know what to make out of her strange behaviour, but then again, he had never known. Women were a mystery and Tonks was the queen of mysteries.

"There's something missing... Could you pass me the salt, please? Ah, yes, thanks, much better."

Fascinated, Remus watched as she almost drowned the poor eggs in salt and strawberry juice and pieces of chocolate. Tonks' breakfast turned more disgusting the longer he watched. Still confused, he shook his head and tried to clear his mind.

"Tonks..."

"Yes, Remus, dear?"

She just sat there, smiling, somehow able to actually get down what she had mixed on her plate.

"You're sure you're all right?"

"I'm perfectly fine. But you look rather pale. Maybe you should eat something. Molly's right, you know, you could gain a bit more weight."

"No, thanks. I think you're delicious meal succeeded in destroying my appetite."

"It tastes better than it looks. At least with a lot of pregnancy hormones coursing through your veins. So, when do we have to apparate to the Burrow?"

"Molly said we'd better arrive early, around midday."

"I'll be ready. Would you be very angry with me if I leave you alone with the dishes? You know I'm no good at householding spells and I have to sort out my dress robes for today..."

"No, no, I don't mind. You can go get your dress robes."

Still frowning, Remus watched his wife disappearing into the bedroom.

XxxxxxxxxX

"Are you ready, Remus, dear? Molly will be angry with us if we take too long."

Remus turned away from the mirror suspiciously. Tonks sounded more and more like Molly. He didn't doubt that this way, she was trying to hold up the facade she had been wearing all morning. This time, Remus had refused to dress at the same time. He had waited until Tonks had left the bedroom and then put on his dress robes. Looking back into the mirror, he sayed. He really didn't look like a man who wasn't even married for a month and had a beautiful, charming, pregnant wife. More like the worn, old werewolf he was. This wasn't working as it should have. He shouldn't be standing here on his own, keeping the love of his life out of his thoughts. He should be happy. Becoming a father had always been a dream of his. If James and Sirius were here... James would kill him for what he was about to do. But then again, James had never been a werewolf, a dark creature, avoided by everyone.

"Remus! We really have to go now! We'll be late and Molly will blame me again!"

Sighing, he made his way to the door and accompanied Tonks out of their flat to the Apparation point. If the world had been even a bit less unfair towards him, he'd have smiled at her comment, not sighed. He'd be happy to attend to the wedding of a friend. But the world wasn't fair, neither on him, nor on others. With a new war starting to rage, there wouldn't be much joy in that marriage. He wished the best for Bill, but he was almost sure that the poor boy wouldn't get it.

A pull at his sleeve woke him out of his reveries. He turned his head and his eyes locked with Tonks'. Surely it was a mistake to lose himself into their blue depths, but right then, Remus couldn't remember why. A knowing smile crossed Tonks' face and she bent over to press a quick kiss on his nose. Dazed, Remus blinked a few times before he realised that she was speaking.

"Come on, dreamy boy. We need to attend to a wedding and have some fun, if you want to or not."

A little smile tugged at the corner of his lips and he couldn't keep them from twitching. And why not? He didn't want to seem too depressed on Bill's special day, he could just as well accept Tonks' attempt at making him smile.

The very moment they arrived, Molly was all over them.

"Tonks, Remus! There you are! You're late! Kingsley says he won't make it, someone has to stay at the ministry in case their striking today, but Uncle Terrence still isn't there. He should have been here about an hour ago, Arthur would be so sad if he didn't come. If you don't mind you can sit a bit in the livingroom, Charlie's already there. He's been making such a fuss over your arrival, Tonks! Oh, sorry, I have to get going, Apolline is calling for me, certainly something with the dress..."

With that, she hurried up the stairs and left the pair dumbstruck. After a while, Tonks swallowed her surprise and pulled Remus along with her into the livingroom.

"Nymphie!"

Charlie was up on his feet as soon as he saw who had been entering the room and hugged his friend tightly. When Tonks tapped on his shoulder, he let go of her immediately.

"That wasn't too tight, right? I didn't hurt you or the... you know what."

He looked around carefully to make sure that his mother wasn't around. As soon as Molly would know about the baby, there would be no one who didn't.

"Don't worry, I'm fine. We're both fine. I just couldn't breathe any more."

"I'm really, really sorry. I still don't get it. Little Nymphie a mummy? My, you'd better have started on the cats."

Laughing, Tonks bent over and kissed her friend on the cheek before introducing him to her husband.

"Charlie, that's Remus, my husband. You've already heard enough of him, so I guess I can let the two of you alone for a few seconds. I want to look after Molly and see if I can do anything for her, she seems rather stressed."

"That she is, but I don't think there's anything you can do about it. She won't let us help."

"That's different. I'm a woman."

Tonks winked and followed Molly up the stairs.

"So, you're the werewolf/husband. I must say I've been expecting this."

Remus raised an eyebrow in question.

"You've been expecting what?"

"The werewolf thing. Or at least something in that direction. Tonks always goes for the extraordinary. She'd never have married the man next door, if you get what I'm saying."

"So she just married me because I'm a dark creature shunned by society?"

"Most certainly not. She married you because she loves you and she wouldn't love you if you weren't a really nice, misunderstood person with a martyr complex."

Charlie grinned at Remus, but turned immediately when he noticed Tonks coming back.

"Nothing to do for you, hmm?"

"Doesn't seem so. She wants to do everything herself. Which makes me mere decoration."

"So, now, tell me. How does that feel, becoming a mummy?"

"Different. I don't like the part where I throw up every morning, but otherwise it's just an incredible feeling. It's not showing now, but the knowledge that there's someone growing in you..."

"Nymphie, you're getting that dreamy expression. And you're grinning like mad. I think I've got it."

She just laughed at him and the two old friends sat down on the coach and started rambling about their past, their days at Hogwarts and their present. Remus withdraw carefully into the kitchen, where he almost walked into Arthur.

""Have you seen Molly, Remus? She said I should tell her when everything's ready in the pavilion, though I don't doubt that she'll find something amiss as soon as she's in there."

"As far as I know she's still upstairs helping Fleur with her dress."

Arthur was about to run up the stairs when he turned back to his friend.

"Remus? What's the matter. You don't seem to happy. I already noticed at Harry's birthday party, but you were gone before I could say a word."

"It's nothing, Arthur. Don't worry about me, rather concentrate on the wedding."

Arthur gave him another worried look before he finally headed upstairs to report to his woman.

XxxxxxxxxX

Hours later, everyone had arrived. The house and the garden were filled to the top with people as everyone was getting ready to enter the pavilion and see the ceremony. Remus took a quick glance and felt even more guilty as he remembered his own small wedding. Of couse neither Tonks nor he had as much relatives as the Weasleys and he didn't like such masses of people, but he still felt as if he had robbed his wife of something important. All of a sudden, a small hand tapped on his shoulder and Remus turned around to almost crash his wife's nose.

"Here you are! I've been searching you for hours now, Remus. You can't just leave your pregnant wife alone in that chaos. Without Charlie's help I'd never have made it to the drinks."

"The drinks?"

"Water, Remus. I'm not poisoning our baby, don't worry. I may don't look like it, but I can be responsible, you know?"

She smiled and him and took his hand to guide him towards the pavilion.

"Where are we going? Shouldn't we be waiting for the others?"

"I thought you'd like to take a look at Harry and we're certainly not the first ones to get in."

"Where did you leave Charlie?"

"He has walked into some uncle of his and I thought it better not to stay around. I'm not that interested in the Dragon Wars."

Remus couldn't help but smile, but it was faltering soon enough. Nothing Tonks was saying could stop him from what he was planning on doing this night.

They passed Harry in his disguise and Tonks apologized for their rash leaving the day before, but Remus couldn't get out a word in front of the boy. He knew that Harry wouldn't support his plans, but Harry didn't understand Remus' motivation. No one could. But still Remus wanted him to understand, wanted him to agree with him. He knew he was much too dependent from other people's opinions, but Harry was like a son to him. He felt relieved when they finally passed him and took their seat in one of the front rows. The rest of the order was already there, checking out the pavilion carefully. No one wanted Death Eaters bursting into the ceremony. Many of those now sitting next to them had been up all day to protect the area, the pavilion and the Burrow itself. There were spells all over, including mightier ones by courtesy of the ministry. Tonks next to him analysed their situation observantly. Years of Auror training kicked in, but she relaxed as she found that the volunteers had done their job. Out of habit, she grabbed for Remus' hand and placed her head on his shoulder. The long blond curls tickled his neck, but he didn't complain. It was, after all, his last evening spent with Tonks.

Remus didn't pay much attention on the ceremony, except for the time it took him to notice the differences between that one and his own wedding. He felt guiltier the longer he thought about it, so he distracted himself by checking the protection spells as Tonks had done before. He remarked her tears when the groom kissed the bride and Charlie sitting next to her teasing her for it, he heard her laughter and felt even worse. He wished Tonks had married Charlie. He knew her so much better and he could offer her much more. Charlie wouldn't leave her on the middle of the night, especially not pregnant. But before he could verbalise his thoughts, the rows of chairs disappeared and made place for a dance floor. Tonks looked at him expectantly, but Remus just turned and searched for the next vacant seat as far away from the dancing couples as possible. He had expected his wife to stay with Charlie and ask him for a dance, but instead she followed him and sat down at his side. He could see the yearning in her eyes. She wanted to dance, but obviously not with Charlie. She wanted to dance with him. With a sigh, Remus gave up his seat, took her hand and led her to the dance floor. He wouldn't speak, but it wasn't necessary that he did. Tonks understood that this was a sort of goodbye present, one last dance for their way too short marriage.

It felt goodto move so close to her after days of distance, but he knew it couldn't last. He wasn't surprised when the Death Eaters finally came. He was prepared and so was Tonks. He couldn't help noticing how quickly she reacted to Kingsley's massage and how well they fought together. She was covering his back, he was covering hers. They couldn't help being overwhelmed in the end, but they had fought bravely and Tonks hadn't been hit by anything that would make him worry for the baby. Harry and his friends were out of danger and most of those who hadn't fled were now led into the Burrow.

The Death Eaters pushed them into the livingroom rather impolitely and picked one after the other. Arthur was the first to be interrogated. He gave Molly a desperate look but obeyed as soon as one of the Death Eaters pointed his wand at her chest. Seemingly, none of Voldemort's men was intelligent enough to perform a silencing spell or even think of doing so, so their efforts of separating the group were rather ineffective, as they could hear Arthur's every word in the silence. The gorillas that were guarding them didn't seem to mind, or they didn't notice.

"Arthur Weasley, is that your name?"

"Yes."

"Speak louder."

"Yes, it is."

"You are working for the ministry?"

"Yes, I am."

"Which department?"

"I'm head of the Office for the Detection and Confiscation of Counterfeit Spells and Protective Objects."

"This office was created by Scrimgeour. Where have you been working before?"

"In the Office for the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts."

"Yes, sounds like a job for you, blood traitor."

There was a horrid noise that very much sounded like a broken nose. Molly caught her breath and grew as pale as the wall next to her.

"We know you know Harry Potter. He is a friend of your youngest son. We know he was invited to this wedding. Where is Harry Potter?"

"I don't know."

A low growl escaped from one of the Death Eaters.

"Did he attend to the wedding?"

"A lot of people were celebrating with us..."

Arthur's voice sounded a bit thick, but his nose seemed to be whole.

"If you know where Potter is, you better tell us. You like your job, don't you? And your family. And certainly you need a job to feed that family, hmm?"

"I don't know where Harry is. I don't know if he had been present at the wedding."

"Where is your son? Is he with Harry Potter?"

"Most certainly not."

"Where is he?"

"Upstairs. He couldn't attend the wedding, he's suffering from spattergroit."

"Jenkins, go up there and check that."

"Do I really have to..."

"I said go up there and check on that boy!"

"Okay, I'm already gone..."

"Where is Hermione Granger, that mudblood travelling with Potter?"

"I don't know. Listen, I don't know where my son is since he has left, neither do I know about Hermione's or Harry's location."

"We will find out if you do. Send his wife in. The fat one."

This time, the growl came from Arthur but the Death Eaters seemed to be able to hush him rather effectively. Arthur was pushed back into the room. His nose looked a bit askew, but there was no blood. Another Death Eater pulled Molly with him and as she passed her husband, she nodded. They all knew they would use her to get something out of Arthur, but they wouldn't say a word.

Molly's interrogation was very much the same, they were questioning her blood status and her knowledge about Harry's present location, but they didn't use force on her. Bill and Fleur were next, Fleur was crying all along. The Death Eaters got really quickly that she wasn't very informative and put more pressure on Bill. Both just said that they couldn't see everyone in that mass of people and that if Harry had attended to the celebration, he had kept in the dark.

Now it was Remus' turn. He knew that this interrogation would go differently. Death Eaters and the ministry both didn't like werewolves.

"Remus Lupin, that's your name?"

"It is."

"Shortly married to a member of the Auror office, Nymphadora Tonks?"

"Yes."

The Death Eater in charge made a sign to one of his companions, but Remus couldn't figure out what it meant. The other Death Eater left the room without a word.

"You are a member of the Order of the Phoenix, for the second time now. Do you or don't you know where Harry Potter is at this very moment?"

"I don't."

"You're sure that's your answer, dirty little werewolf? Then I might fear we have to bring in your lovely wife."

Another Death Eater pushed Tonks into the room, wand pointed at her throat.

"If I have the impression that you are lying, your woman has to suffer. You better say the truth, when I say suffer, I mean real pain."

Remus shot a panicked look in Tonks' direction. She remained as calm as she possibly could.

"I don't know where Harry is, neither do I know about his friends. I didn't see him at the wedding, either."

"You've been friends with the parents of Harry Potter, is that right?"

"Yes, it is."

"We have been informed that you are very close to the boy. You really don't know where he is? He didn't put that much trust in you?"

That one hurt. He glanced back at Tonks, who still didn't move.

"I fear he didn't. I don't know where he is."

The Death Eater turned to Tonks.

"What about you, darling? Do you know where Potter is? Or his friends? It's not very unlikely that the piece of dirt that is your husband is lying."

Tonks looked as if she prepared to spit the Death Eater straight in the face, but he was faster.

"Maybe you'll rethink your statement if I inform you that my dear colleague is over at your parents, Mrs Lupin."

Tonks turned pale.

"You didn't."

"Yes, I did. We may be forced to use harsher methods. Do you stay with what you've said? You don't know where Potter is?"

"No, I don't. Neither does my husband. Harry isn't as dumb as Voldemort is trying to make you believe. He didn't tell us because he knew you would come here first."

Pleasurably, the Death Eater pulled up his sleeve and touched the Dark Mark on his forearm. A grin spread on his face.

"You just guaranteed your mother an encounter with the Cruciatus Curse. I'd better watch my words if I were you, Mrs Lupin."

Tonks shook madly and her knees gave in. She was so pale Remus wanted to jump from his seat and hurry over to her, but he knew they wouldn't let him. This was his punishment. He wouldn't be hurt physically as they had done with Arthur. Instead they were breaking the one person in his life that accepted him more than anyone else, one of the very few women who would sacrifice their future to marry a werewolf. And it was even worse than he had imagined.

XxxxxxxxxX

Two hours later, after everyone had been interrogated a second time without any result, the Death Eaters finally left the Burrow. The moment they disapparated, Tonks was at Remus' side, begging him to accompany her to her parents. She wanted to make sure whether her mother was all right. Even though the interrogation had shown him clearly what she had been getting herself into when she had married him, he couldn't deny her that wish. Perhaps she wouldn't make such a scene about it if she knew that her parents were safe.

When they arrived, the whole house was turned upside down. Everything drowned in chaos and Ted and Andromeda kneeled in the centre of the livingroom, in the midst of what was left from their furniture, and hugged each other tightly, crying. Tonks made her way to her parents as quickly as her balance let her and sank down into their embrace. The three of them cried for a while, but finally, Andromeda raised to her feet and pulled her daughter and her husband with her. She assured Tonks that she was all right and that there was no need to worry, that she should head back home and have some sleep herself. Tonks sighed with relief, hugged her parents one last time and returned to Remus to apparate back home.

As soon as they had made it through the door, each of them used every known protection spell on the door and the windows before they broke down on the couch. Just for this one moment, Remus didn't care to keep the distance between them. Too much had happened. Harry had gotten away for now, but that was no guarantee that the Death Eaters wouldn't catch up any time soon. Although Arthur had sent his Patronus to warn the children and assure them that everyone was fine, nobody knew for sure whether the message would arrive. Or be of any help. Carefully, Remus turned his head to look at his wife. She just sat there, completely motionless, staring holes in the wall opposite from her. When she noticed his enquiring stare, she turned her head as well. Their noses were almost touching.

"Get over with it."

Remus shook his head in confusion.

"What are you talking about?"

"You want to leave me, don't you? I've felt it since the day we got Harry. Why did it take you so long?"

"I wanted to wait until after the wedding."

"And now you regret that?"

"Yes. If I had had the courage to leave immediately, they wouldn't have done that to your mother. They wouldn't have punished you for what I am."

"Remus, don't be ridiculous. That wasn't punishment for what you are, that was punishment for what we all are. We're the Order of the Phoenix. That's the reason."

"No, Tonks, you don't understand. Didn't you notice? They didn't bring in Molly when Arthur was there. They didn't bring Fleur when it was Bill's turn. They just pushed you into that room while I was still in there to punish me. They threatened and tortured your parents to break you, to break the only person really close to me. Because I am a werewolf. Because they want revenge for my spying on Greyback and to show me what will become of the likes of me as soon as they are in charge. You're not safe with me, Tonks. Not that you've ever been, but now even less."

"That's ridiculous. We're all in danger! Do you think it will be any easier just because you leave me now? Do you think they will ignore because you're gone? Do you think I'll have it better raising our child on my own?"

"Tonks..."

"No. No. I've taken that for far too long. I shouldn't have accepted this behaviour in the first place, but I was too shocked from Mad-Eye's death. You, Remus Lupin, are not the cause for any Death Eater's actions. They treated me like that because they are evil gits, not because your marrying me was wrong. If they threaten you or your family, it's not because you have done any wrong, but because they don't know good. If you're leaving now, you'll lose everything good in your life. You will prove them right. Don't do that, Remus. If not for me, or our baby, than at least as a sign that you're not giving up. Please, Remus."

Tears had built in her eyes and began to roll down her cheeks. Remus turned away and rose from his seat. He didn't want to think about that. He didn't want to think over the meaning of her words. Leaving her would make it better. If she only agreed to officially cut every bond between them, the Death Eaters would let her, as they had let Molly and Fleur. There was no way he could endanger her further, or the baby. He would leave. Now. It was the right thing to do.

His things had been packed since the morning. Without a look back, Remus flicked his wand in the direction of his luggage and made it follow him. He did his best to ignore the choking sobs or the way she wispered his name over and over again, begging him to stay. He just stepped out in the hall and apparated with a loud crack, taking everything with him.


	46. Chapter 46

**Chapter 46**

**Apart**

For three days he had been walking the streets of London, avoiding Death Eaters at his best. He had left without a definite plan what to do now. He didn't want to meet Molly right now, as soon as she'd learn about his leaving Tonks, she'd be making a scene, if necessary in front of all the rest of the order. They had other problems, they didn't need a personal crisis on top of that.

Now Remus was roaming through the streets close to Grimmauld Place, trying to concentrate on the plan that had been building in his head the past three days. He'd left Tonks for good this time, why not accompanying Harry? That was definitely more useful than lingering about in the Burrow only to be disturbed by Molly's screaming and Tonks' begging. He could be useful, if Harry was out to hunt Voldemort down, a dark creature could give him advantage. His knowledge about defence against the dark arts wouldn't hurt, either.

Indecisive, he kept in the shadows next to the place. There were Death Eaters around, but he doubted that they knew who was located in that building they couldn't even see. The order was almost positive that Harry stayed there for now, planning on whatever he was going to do now. If Remus wanted to talk to the boy, he would have to be careful apparating. He would have to end up at the top of the stairs, or the spell couldn't make him invisible for Voldemort's servants. Concentrating on his aim, Remus turned.

He landed on top of the stairs, just as he had intended to. The Death Eaters didn't seem to notice him, instead they were watching the alley where he had been standing before. He had intently knocked over the dustbin next to him to cover up the soft crack of apparition. If he was lucky, they'd believe it had been a stray cat. The Death Eaters had already proved not being too intelligent. Or observing.

With a sigh of relief, he noticed that his plan had worked out. The Death Eaters turned back to stare holes in the front of 12, Grimmauld Place, obviously not seeing anything. Slowly and careful not to accidentally reveal his cloak, Remus turned to the front door. He wondered if they were still protected with the same spells as before. Hermione was talented enough to find something else, even if it wasn't that necessary right now. With his heart in his throat, he tried his luck and traced the familiar pattern with his wand. He heard the locks rustling and within a few seconds, he was able to push open the door and enter silently. With another sigh of relief, he closed the door behind him and made to step forward, careful not to wake Mrs. Black and frighten Harry and his friends.

But he had forgotten about Mad Eye's protection. Something arose in front of him that very much looked like the ghost of Albus Dumbledore, accusing him in a ghostly voice. As calm as he could Remus lifted his hands and answered in a soothing voice. Before the ghost had a chance to enquire him further, Harry and his friends were up the stairs, wands drawn and pointed at him. Of course he didn't feel too comfortable with three competent young wizards threatening him like that, but at the same time, he was proud. Harry wasn't being naïve. He knew that almost everyone wanted to get at him. He was being careful. Almost smiling, he responded to their safety questions. They lowered their wands when he had proved his identity satisfyingly.

Silently, he followed the three of them down to the kitchen, which was stunningly clean. He didn't know Kreacher could put that much effort in something. When they arrived downstairs, he first informed them on everything that had happened after their flight from the wedding, leaving out his personal disaster. He would have to explain that soon enough. Their encounter with the Death Eaters in that Muggle café irritated him. It was impossible that there were traces of ministry magic left on Harry. He was off age and there was nothing Scrimgeour could have done to prolong his influence on the boy.

Finally, he came down to what he had been coming here for. He offered them to accompany them and be of use. Hermione was the first one to second-guess his noble offer. She wanted an explanation. Had he left Tonks? Why? He hadn't intended to tell them about the baby, it just slipped out. He couldn't help it, but subconsciously he still longed for Harry's approval. Of course he didn't get that. Instead, he had a discussion changing into an outgrown argument with the one person he wanted to understand him. He told himself over and over again that James would have understood, even though he knew he wouldn't have. As little as Harry did. But Remus was too fixated on his own arguments, his excuses, to unmask them as what they were. He didn't want to hear that he was wrong, that there was hardly anything he could do to protect his wife and his child. He didn't want to hear what he had known all along Harry would be saying. The moment the son of his best friend called him a coward, time seemed to stop. The word tasted bitter on his tongue. Wasn't he running from the baby, from the consequences of his doings? Wasn't he leaving Tonks alone? If the baby was a werewolf, it was his fault, and he was going to leave her alone with it. If Bellatrix' madness and the Death Eater's violence were his fault, he was leaving her unprotected. Remus looked into Hermione's shocked face, not hearing her trying to calm down Harry and to tell Remus that he hadn't meant it. He saw Ron going pale, an expression on his face as if he knew what would happen next, even before Remus knew himself. And then his gaze rested on Harry, and he knew that the boy had meant it. Harry wouldn't have left in his place. He would have stayed, protecting his wife and his family to his last breath. Just like his father. A wave of immense pain shot through Remus. His heart constricted with guilt, everything went cold. He had been wrong. He had been doing exactly the wrong thing. This was ridiculous, his arguments were excuses. He had robbed both Nymphadora and himself of a year they could have spent loving each other and now he had repeated his mistaked all over again, just a million times worse. He had not just left her, he had denied his responsibility towards his own child. He had always wanted to be a father, a great father, and he was starting out leaving his unborn child. Where he should have been sensible, at the side of his wife, sharing her joy, he had brought misery and tears. And what for? Had he made it any better for her? Hardly.

The pain crashed down on Remus and the immense sense of guilt killed every rational thought. He tried to free himself from his confronting emotions. It was more than he could bare. He didn't want to know that he was wrong. Fury filled his heart. No one had the right to treat him like that. No one could understand the situation he was in. The boy was wrong, all the others were wrong. His presence wouldn't make anything better. Tonks was better off without him, just as the baby. Harry didn't know what he was talking about, after all, he was nothing more than a boy of merely seventeen years. Before he knew what he was doing, Remus' hand was on his wand and Harry was crashing into the wall. Hermione and Ron turned to help him, their expressions even more shocked than before. Without a second look, Remus quit the room. He heard Hermione crying after him, but he didn't listen. Rage was coursing through his veins and he greeted it gratefully, as it protected him from the pain he had felt before. His fury was the only thing keeping him from breaking down and he was holding on to it for dear life.

Taking a deep breath, Remus stormed out of 12, Grimmauld Place and apparated immediately. He didn't know where he was going to and somehow he ended up on the field next to the Burrow. The same field he had been sitting on after his visit to Tonks on Christmas. Tears were running down his cheeks, the fury was fading. Remus knew that he had made a mistake, more mistakes than he could make up for, even. He had left Tonks again, misused her trust, destroyed her joy over the baby. He had disappointed everyone around him, her parents, Molly, everyone who had thought him able to make her happy. He had been a coward, as Harry had put it. If his friends were here, they would kick his ass for his foolishness. Molly would kill him gladly and he didn't want to know what would happen if he appeared on Tonks' doorstep right now. Or rather on her parents' doorstep, as he had heard that she had been moving over to them. After all, he had left her all alone, a potential aim for any Death Eater, especially when her pregnancy became known. Remus shook his head in desperation, tears flowing freely now. He was such a fool! He had done all wrong.

He knew that it was careless to stay out in the open, but he only remembered the necessity of protection spells when a hand landed heavily on his shoulder.

XxxxxxxxxX

Hours after Remus' leaving, Tonks still lay on the couch, curled up into a ball, crying madly. The tears wouldn't stop and she feared she might drown in them when she couldn't get a grip on her self any time soon. Still sobbing, she sat up in the early hours of morning, tumbling into the bedroom. Still completely dressed, she fell into the pillows and prayed that she'd be able to fall asleep from exhaustion. She wasn't that lucky. Her head was spinning, she was repeating his arguments over and over again. She couldn't stop and the tears started anew. Shaking violently, she grabbed a pillow and hugged it to her. She needed someone to take her in their arms and console her, but there was nobody. Only the silent emptiness of their flat. And the little being inside of her. Tonks let her hand rest on her still flat belly. Taking a deep, calming breath, she tried to regain control. She had to. For the baby.

"Mummy will be strong for you, don't worry. We'll make it."

Her voice was barely more than a whisper and her voice was so husky from all the crying she almost didn't recognise it. But still the words gave her strength. Remus might have left her, but there was still a part of him wih her. A part she was responsible for and a part she almost loved all the more for the absence of its originator. She would do anything for that tiny little life inside of her and if that meant she had to pull herself together when she was in the mood to cry for days, then she would have to get a grip on herself. Determined, she sat up, wiped the tears away with her sleeve and took a look around the room.

She couldn't stay here. She was all alone, unprotected. The ministry could no longer provide for the safety of the members of the Order of the Phoenix, neither could the order itself. The situation was already bad enough. There were only two places she considered safe for her. The Burrow and her parents' house. Both had already been invaded by Death Eaters, but it was better than being all alone in a flat registered in the ministry. Maybe Remus was right and they were trying to get at him through her. It was high time to leave this place.

Swallowing her anxiety, she got off the bed and began packing her things. She wouldn't take too much with her, as she would need maternity wear at some point. And she really didn't need her whole wardrobe if she was just going to hang out at their parents'. Surely the order wouldn't let her on dangerous missions with the baby growing inside of her. The thought made her swallow hard. She hadn't been careful, which had caused Remus to leave her – and cost the order a member. She wouldn't be able to mak double shifts, she couldn't return into the ministry to spy for them. She was completely useless in this war. An easy target. Bellatrix would hate her even more for besmirching the blood line further. Her timing was really poor.

For a minute, Tonks considered visiting Molly to talk to her. But she wasn't up to it right now and surely the other woman was asleep. It was only two in the morning, after all. She wouldn't be able to cope with the fuss Molly would be making over the whole situation. She didn't need to hear someone to rail against Remus, she wanted understanding. And as motherly as Molly was, Tonks knew which one she would get tonight. So she decided to directly leave for her parents' house.

About two minutes later, she regretted her rash decision.

"Oh, Dora, darling, what has he been doing to you? Come in, come in, we'll make you some tea..."

Andromeda rushed over into the kitchen. Slowly, Tonks sat down on the couch, watching her father appearing in the doorway, still rubbing his eyes from sleep.

"Dora, it's you. What are you doing here?"

His daughter just offered him a weak smile and tried not to cry. Without much success. Immediately, Ted was awake.

"He left you?"

Tonks just nodded.

"Oh, Dora."

Ted made his way over to his daughter and fell on the couch next to her. Leaning back into the pillow, he hugged her to him tightly. One hand petted her hair, the other drew lazy circles on her back. Her sobs were muffled by the fabric of his pyjamas as her head was bedded on his shoulder. Andromeda returned with a tray overloaded with tea and biscuits. Carefully, she sat it down on the table and took place on the other side of her daughter.

"Do you want to stay here?"

Tonks just nodded into her father's shoulder. Ted threw a sad glance at his wife, then continued to console his daughter. There was nothing he could do about it right now. He had known that Remus would be leaving, and he had noticed that Dora had known it, too. The day they had come over to tell them about the baby, he had known that he would leave. Ted tried to hate that man who treated his daughter so lowly, but he couldn't bring himself to feel that way. Remus Lupin wasn't being mean, he was insecure. And Ted knew just how that felt. At this very moment, the idea of leaving was appealing to him, too. He was muggleborn. When Voldemort would have taken over the whole ministry, there would be measures against the likes of him, just as the last time. If he were on the run, they would see no need to come to his house and threaten his family. Sighing inwardly, he pulled his daughter even closer to him and tried to blind out the image of how she would be sobbing if he left as well.

XxxxxxxxxX

The next few days were hell for Tonks. She tried to keep to her promise and pull herself together, but she just ended up finding herself crying at the most inappropriate times. The morning after the wedding, her mother placed scrambled eggs in front of her and Tonks started to cry, as it reminded her of her last meal with Remus. Even if they had already been distant, he had been _there. _Crying, Tonks forced herself to swallow every bite of her breakfast. This wasn't last year. She wasn't just responsible for her own health. She needed to be strong for the baby.

She was crying all day long. As she stood under the shower. As she was trying to read a book. When her father hugged her before he left to the next supermarket to fill up the refrigerator. When she sat next to her mother on the couch, waiting for him to return, not knowing who she wanted to see coming through that door. She was a complete wreck and if it hadn't been for the baby, she'd have stayed in bed all day long. But she forced herself to rose every morning, to get down for breakfast, to read something or help in the kitchen until it was time for lunch and then again dinner. When it was finally time to go to bed, she took a relieved breath that she had lived through another day.

Molly was at the door more than once, but Tonks refused to talk to her. Or anyone. She didn't even speak to her parents, no more than "Could you pass me the salt?". She heard her mother talking to Molly, but she never left the livingroom to greet her friend. Instead, she pretented to read a book, staring at one page for two hours in a row, her mind drifting off to Remus and his whereabouts.

Day followed day and Tonks was getting more and more depressed. She still refused to talk to anyone, she still ate he three meals a day and pretended to do something useful. She avoided her bed because she knew if she stayed in her room, she'd be falling on it, crying her heart out and remembering the night when the tiny life inside of her had been created. She cried when she had her toilette session. She was enduring the morning sickness gladly, but she still longed for Remus to be next to her so much she locked the door. She knew that her parents wanted to be there for her, but she couldn't take to feel anyone next to her knowing that the one person that should be there with her wasn't.

This way, she lived through a week, two weeks. The third week wasn't even beginning, when there was a knock on the door. Andromeda was back in the garden. It was early morning, but around midday the heat was getting murderous, so this was the only time for this kind of work to be done. Ted was still asleep. Unsure, Tonks got to her feet. She didn't know if it was wise to answer the door on her own. It could be anyone and she didn't feel up to confronting a Death Eater or some Imperiused member of the ministry. There was a second knock. It almost sounded desperate. Tonks heart started to race in her chest. A desperate knock... And who would have reason to knock at her parents' door in desparation? She had someone in mind, but she didn't dare to think of that person. There was only one way to kill this traiterous hope. She would have to go down and see for herself. Right now, there was no one who would do that for her. Carefully, wand drawn, she stumbled down the stairs, careful not to miss a step and fall. She would protect the child inside of her with everything she was worth and if that meant that she needed five minutes to get down a couple of stairs, then so be it.

Finally, she arrived at the door. There was another knock. Whoever was out there seemed to get impatient. Taking a steadying breath, Tonks spoke.

"Who is there?"

Her heart was quivering with hope and anticipation as she waited for the answer. She closed her eyes, awaiting the disappointment when it wouldn't be his voice. But the pain she expected never came.


	47. Chapter 47

**Chapter 47**

**A long way back**

Resigning to his fate, Remus turned around. He wouldn't be able to draw his wand in time. He was at the mercy of whoever had found him here. Maybe he hadn't been careful when he had disapparated in front of Grimmauld Place. Maybe they had followed him.

As his head turned around, he was greeted by the sight of Arthur Weasley's face.

"I knew you'd be coming here some day."

The red haired man smiled at him invitingly. Remus swallowed hard. What would his friend be doing now? Surely he was on Tonks' side and would deliver him to Molly. Remus wasn't sure he could cope with that right now.

"Don't worry, we won't be going to Molly. Not right now. You need to calm down first, but you can't avoid her forever. Not without leaving the order and I guess that's nothing you would do right now, with times being as they are."

Arthur kept smiling at him. Remus became suspicious of the other man. What was Arthur playing at? He had been such a fool, he didn't deserve to be smiled at. He deserved Molly's screaming, whether he felt up to it or not. He'd never feel up to it, but Arthur was right, there was no way around it. So why not going in there right now? It was only Molly. She wouldn't kill him, he was just about sure that she'd never forgive him what he had done. She'd hate him forever, he'd lost her friendship. Remus had been sure that he had lost Arthur's friendship just as well. So where was this leading to?

"I think we need to talk, Remus. But not out here, that's too dangerous. Molly would kill me if she knew that I'm here, unprotected. We'd better go for my workshop."

Remus followed him in silence, still unable to form words. When they finally reached the little building, Arthur closed the door behind them and sat down, sighing.

"I tried to tell you all along, Remus, but nothing I said, or anyone else, at that, could keep you from what you've been doing, right? You wouldn't listen. And now you've gone and destroyed your one chance."

There were more tears threatening to spill, but Remus did his best to keep them in. He didn't want to cry in front of Arthur. He had done enough of that as it was. His friend was right, he had destroyed his one chance at happiness, at the life he had always wanted to lead. He could have had a wonderful wife he loved so much it hurt, he could have had the son or daughter he'd always longed for. A little family of his own. With lots of friends around them who supported them, even though they would have to face mistrust and even hatred in public. But there was a war raging and werewolves were no longer the main target for this public hatred. They could have made it. And he had ruined it all.

"You know that Tonks is with her parents?"

"I've heard about it."

Remus' voice was husky from the tears he kept in check. There was no hope for him, why was he sitting here?

"Molly tried to talk to her, but she refused to speak to anyone. Not even to her parents, Remus, and she's living with them! You didn't just destroy your own happiness. Andromeda told us about the child. Do you really have to make everyone around you, including yourself, that unhappy?"

Remus tried to speak, to defend himself, but he didn't find the words. There were no words that could defend his actions. He just shook his head, sadness numbing every other emotion.

"You should go back."

The werewolf's head jerked up. Arthur had to be kidding! After all he had done to Tonks, he couldn't just return to her and apologise. An apology wasn't enough to make up for the things he had said, for the pieced he had ripped her heart into.

"Arthur, that's not possible. How could I go back just like that? After everything I've done... I couldn't keep even one of my promises, I told her I'd stay and I repeated my mistakes all over again. She'd be insane to take me back."

"I'm still rather positive that she will. For your sake. For her own sake. For the child. She still loves you and I think she knows that you're not hurting her on purpose. As I do. I don't approve your actions, but I understand what made you do it. Don't you think that I never wondered whether Molly couldn't have married someone else, someone richer or more eager. Mayber that other man would be able to protect her from this war, maybe he'd be in a position to keep her out of danger. But then I ponder if that would still be Molly. She wouldn't want to stand aside, watching the war. She wouldn't be content being safe while everyone else is killed right in front of her window. Molly is Molly and I wouldn't love her so much if she were any different from who she is now. She's here with me because she wants to be here and nowhere else. Think about that, Remus. Tonks could be with anyone she chooses. And she chose you. Don't you think that's quite an important fact? She didn't marry you because she had to. She turns against most of her family because she's fighting for her principles, not because she's the daughter of a Muggleborn and a blood traitor. I bet they'd still have taken her had she knocked on any Death Eater's door. But she didn't. She became an Auror because she wanted to, not because she wouldn't have made it in another job. And as far as I can see, she's lucky with all those decisions. You can't decide for her, neither do you know what's best for her. That's the problem with a strong woman. You'll have to get over your insecurities, over your instinct to protect her from everything. She can think for herself and it had been her decisions that led her down this path, not yours."

Remus had already thought about that on his own. Her conflict with Bellatrix wasn't his fault, it wasn't his fault that she was a member of the order or that she fought in the first row in a bloody war. That much he could get into his stubborn mind. But it would be his fault if he let her have her way now and she'd be shunned by society for the rest of her life.

"It's no longer just her, Arthur. By now, my decisions are just as important. Tonks can think for herself, but she doesn't know what she's getting herself into. I've been foolish to give in to temptation in the first place. Even if we should survive this war, nothing will change, just like it had been the last time. Werewolves will still be feared, she'll be judged for marrying me and carrying my child. And I don't really want to imagine what the childhood of the poor thing will look like, with me as its father, even if it doesn't turn out to be a werewolf."

"And what does that matter? Do you think no one has laughed at my children because of me, because of the fact that I'm obsessed with Muggles, working in an unimportant office, earn no money? Do you think that did them any damage? If anything, it made them stronger. They're not so dependend on other people's opinions. What matters is that you're a good father. No child in this world will listen to the mean rumours spread by other children when it returns to a caring dad. It will learn that you shouldn't judge people by what other's tell you about them, but by your own experiences. Do you really think your child will be better off without you? Everyone will know about its father, and on top of that it'll have to endure the biting comments. 'Your dad doesn't love you or your mummy, or he wouldn't have left.' 'Not even your dad wants you.' Do you think it'll be better off hearing that?"

Remus shook his head. He wasn't able to respond anything to that, not right now. Of course it would be difficult to hide his identity, but if Tonks was clever, she'd try to keep it a secret to spare her child all the hatred the child of a werewolf would have to meet with. But he didn't want his child to feel that daddy's not there because it hasn't been good enough. That just wasn't fair.

Arthur seemed to notice his inner turmoil, as he tried to soothe him, to take the edge off his earlier words.

"I don't want to hurt you, Remus, but you know that what I'm saying is true. You can't hide from the fact that you're a father and that you have a responsibility towards your child. Believe me, a good father with a bad reputation is better than no father at all. You can love your child as much as you can, if you're not there to show your love, you just as well couldn't feel it at all. You've been bitten because your father had provoked Greyback. Did you hate him for that? Or were you happy that he stayed with you and was there for you?"

"I was happy he was there, I loved him. He was my father."

"Do you see what I'm trying to say? Your father caused your lycantrophy almost as much as Greyback did, but you couldn't hate him. Because he had been there for you afterwards. Because he didn't run when he found that his son was a werewolf, but because he had the strength to swallow his guilt and support you. What would you have thought if he'd left after you've been bitten?"

"That he didn't love me any more and that I'm not worthy of his love."

"Do you think that your child will feel any different if you keep doing what you're about to do, whether it turns out to be a werewolf or not?"

Confused, Remus shook his head. He hadn't been looking at his situation from that side. And the idea of Tonks having to explain to their child why daddy wasn't there hurt. What would she answer? What _could _she answer to that? He knew that if he wouldn't come back, she'd have to think that he didn't love her. That he didn't want that child. And she'd have to explain that to that son or daughter and he just knew that the child wouldn't be the only one with tears in its eyes. Just as they threatened to take over Remus right then.

"You don't have to go right now, but I think it's better the sooner you return. Don't try to argue with me, we both know that you want to be with your child and with your wife. Since I first met you I knew that you wanted to have a family. You're just that kind of person and I have to know, as I'm one of that kind myself."

Arthur smiled kindly at his opponent.

"I don't know, Arthur. What you say is right, but I still don't know if I'm able to return. Or if Dora is really willing to take me back. I don't want her to let me in just because she thinks the child needs a father."

"Really, Remus. By now you should have noticed that she actually loves you. Why do you think she married you?"

"That's not the point. I mean, she can't possibly love me any more. I tortured both of us for more than a year, I promised her to never leave again, I _married _her, only to break all my promises and take flight when she needs me the most. And now she's responsible for the baby, too. I can't ask her to trust me, I've lost that right for good, and she can't be sure that I won't do it again. The child needs a father, but better no father at all than one who comes and goes as he likes."

Remus had to swallow. It had hurt like hell, but it was the truth. He couldn't be sure that he would never do it again. He had been sure the last time, and what had become of this certainty? How could Dora let him back into her life when he couldn't even promise to not do it again? What if the child really was a werewolf? He didn't know if he could live with the knowledge of having infected his own child. Maybe he'd panic again and leave once more. Why return only to run again?

"Remus, you won't..."

"I can't say for sure that I won't. I don't know it, Arthur. I was so sure when I married her and all it needed was one careless moment and a pregnancy and I'm running again, despite my promises. I couldn't take it if the child were like me."

"Remus, you know they both need you. If the child is a werewolf, they will need you even more."

"I know, but I can't help it. I'm not reliable and that's something a father should be. No matter how much I want to return, I can't go back just to commit the same crime again. I can't even promise that I won't leave again! How is she supposed to take me back? How ist this marriage supposed to work, Arthur? A relationship where I'm running whenever it gets serious and where Dora has to forgive me every time I come back can't work out and you know that. If I go back now I'll only evoke hope where there is none. Don't lie to yourself, we both know that I can't go back. Thank you for your understanding and the kind words, but they won't change anything. I'll better be going, before Molly learns that I'm here. Goodbye, Arthur. Thank you, for everything."

Remus turned to the door and made to leave, but Arthur called him back one last time.

"Remus... Am I at least allowed to tell her that you're safe and healthy? She'll want to know."

The werewolf wasn't so sure, but he nodded all the same and stepped back into the darkness.

XxxxxxxxxX

It had been more than a week since Remus had talked to Arthur. Still his words rang in Remus' head. The child did need a father and Dora could use a good husband, but he was none of that. He was just a poor, old, lonely werewolf. All he was able to do was ruining others and he didn't want to continue down this path. But whenever he lay down in some random muggle stable or in a forest, he reconsidered Arthur's arguments. He tried to find out for himself whether he would be able to stay with Dora through every possible odd, if he would be able to keep to his promises this time, to even make those promises. But as much as he thought about it, he still wasn't sure that he could go back. That he wouldn't run from her again. He couldn't do that to her. Either she wouldn't even let him by refusing him outright after all the misery he had put her through, or she'd accept him every time he'd run and return, only to lose more of herself whenever his martyr complex would kick in. There was no need to return if she'd act on the first, but he couldn't risk the latter.

Day by day the week passed in the same routine. Remus would aimlessly walk wherever his feet carried him and when he could only stumble from exhaustion, he'd find some dry place to sleep. But wherever he went, the thoughts in his head still focused on his conversation with Arthur. One of those restless nights, Remus lay down in a forest not too far away from Hogsmeade. He knew it was risky, as the Death Eaters controlled the little village by now, but he didn't care. In fact, he'd have been happy had they killed him right now. It would spare him the shame of his existence. Weary of everything, he closed his eyes and let exhaustion finally take over.

...

Remus found himself lying on the ground, something soft beneath him. He turned his head and long grass in a surreal tone of green carressed his cheek. He was lying on a soft lawn, flowers in every possible colour occupied every space left, they were growing in flowerbeds next to the cute white fence and crowded out the grass on the lawn itself. Surely it looked overwhelming from above. There was laughter behind him. Remus knew that he was completely safe, so he took his time sitting up and looking around. And there they were. His beautiful Dora, her hair quickly changing between bubblegum pink and black, otherwise keeping her natural appearance. She didn't even change the length or vanished the curls, she just switched the colours. Her glowing blue eyes sparkled with joy as she looked down upon the little child in front of her. Fascinated, the child grabbed for the colourful strands, rising to come closer. Laughing, Tonks took the child in her arms and as it sat down in her lap, the little head turned around and Remus could see that it was a little boy who looked very much like Remus himself at the age. His heart started to race, when suddenly, there was another little child. It was even younger than the boy, a sweet little girl in a cute dress, fighting to stand on her own two feet while grasping at her mother's shoulder for support. She smiled at him and winked for him to come over and Dora's amazing blue eyes sparkled in her sweet little face, that was just as heart-shaped as her mother's.

Carefully, Remus took one step after the other, approaching the woman and the two children slowly. He had almost crossed the space between them when Tonks finally took her eyes off the children and really looked at him. Her hair was its natural black right then, but as her eyes fell upon his face, little strands of pink appeared in the midst of those silky curls. She beamed at him, as did the children. Remus smiled back and he felt so happy he wanted to sink down on his knees and thank whoever wanted to hear it. Warmth was coursing through his veins, he felt loved and at the same time loved the three people in front of him so much he felt he had to burst. Only now he saw the tiny little house in the background. It was a bit shabby, but in an inviting sort of way, and it looked so comfortable he wanted to take a closer look at it. Admittedly, he would have had to take his eyes off the children to do so, but he couldn't. He felt unbelievably proud as he watched the boy closing his eyes in concentration. His nose crinkled the same way his mother's did when she morphed and all of a sudden the hair on his head was a shining yellow. The little girl clapped her hands to congratulate her brother and fell over in the process, for she had to loosen her grip on Tonks' shoulder. There were tears in her eyes, as the little one realised what had happened. But Tonks was faster than the tears, she placed the little girl on her other leg and tickled her until tears of bliss ran down her cheeks which she kissed away tenderly. At the sight, Remus felt tears of his own flowing down his cheeks. He wanted nothing more than to sit down with those three most important persons in his life. He wanted to never leave this moment. Tonks looked up at him again and as he met her loving gaze, he knew exactly what he wanted.

…

Remus awoke from his dream, tears drying on his cheeks. That was a clear message. He had to go back. He would never leave again, he couldn't. She was offering him everything he had ever wanted in his life and now that he was able to accept it, there was no turning back. No matter if the baby would become the cute little girl or the eager little boy, he wanted it so much it set his head spinning. And most of all he wanted his Dora. He wanted to be the father-to-be and husband she needed, the man he really wanted to be. She shouldn't have to do this on her own, not when he could make it any easier for her. His decision had been taken. He'd go back and beg for forgiveness, if necessary on his knees. This time he would be the one fighting for their relationship, for their little family. He knew she wouldn't just let him come back, at least he hoped he hadn't broken her so much she would. It was time to act like a grown man.


	48. Chapter 48

**Chapter 48**

**Back home**

Heart racing, Remus stood in front of the door. He had been apparating to the Tonks' home the moment he had been getting to his feet after he had awoken from his dream. His things were stored in their flat since the day he had spoken to Arthur. He had to admit that the idea of returning had taken a hold in his head from that moment on, despite his tries to stay away.

Taking a deep, steadying breath, he waited for her to answer the door. He prayed that it wouldn't be Ted or Andromeda, they most probably wouldn't even let him talk to their daughter after what he had put her through. After all, they had accepted him more or less and how had he thanked them? There were soft steps on the other side of the door, approaching slowly. The steps hesitated for a moment, then he heard Tonks' voice.

"Who is there?"

She sounded insecure and her voice shook. Remus wanted to hit his head against the wall. That was his fault, the Tonks he had come to know back in Grimmauld Place would have never sounded so fragile, even pregnant and in the middle of a war. He had already ruined her beyond repair, it seemed. But there was nothing he could do about that now, he would have to see if he could make up for it should she let him return.

"It's me, Remus. Your husband, werewolf, member of the Order of the Phoenix..."

On the other side of the door, Tonks' heart took up a speed that couldn't be healthy. It was Remus! He had returned to her! Euphoria tried to get a grip on her, but Tonks fought it with all she was worth. First of all, she had to make sure that it was really Remus. For her own safety and for that of the child. And then she would have to be furious at him, or at least pretend to be, because she couldn't let him get away with it that easily this time. She had new responsibilities, after all.

"When did we leave Grimmauld Place together for the first time outside of order duty?"

"It was the sixth of July, the day after your first meeting with the order. We went out to a Chinese fast food restaurant, got ice cream at Florian Fortescue's and afterwards we went book-shopping at Flourish&Blotts to restore the library at Grimmauld Place."

No Death Eater would have been able to answer to that question in so many details. Tonks took a relieved breath, a bit surprised that even Remus himself was able to recall that day so precisely.

"I guess that's proof enough. Come in."

Carefully, she opened the door and stepped aside so that he could enter. He sidestepped her shyly, not daring to meet her eyes just yet. Instead, he stared intently at the floor and prayed that neither Andromeda nor Ted would find them here any time soon.

"So, what brings you here?"

Tonks tried to sound casual, but she failed miserably. Remus had hurt her so deeply, and not only her. He had also hurt her parents and his own unborn child. She wasn't reallly furious, but she was disappointed with her husband. She knew his demons, but he hadn't been strong enough to fight them. He had kept her at arm's length, drowning selfishly in his misery. He had never tried to let her take part in his fight against the wolf. This time, he would have to suffer for his mistakes.

Still not rising his eyes from the floor, Remus answered in a low whisper.

"I couldn't stay away any longer. I had a very enlightening conversation with Arthur a few days ago. I've been thinking about returning to you since then, but only now I've had this dream and... it really showed me what's important for me. You are important. Our child is important. Not what someone else thinks or how society treats you, but how I treat you. It's important that I'm here with you and the baby, no matter what. I really want this. It feels right. And I guess it's all right to be shunned by society as long as you can return to a loving home, right?"

For the first time in his stuttered monologue, Remus actually looked up. Tears were running down Tonks' cheeks and she tried hard to suppress a smile. Remus took a relieved breath. She wasn't done with him, of course not, but she would take him back. Under certain conditions he was all too willing to agree to, whatever they implied.

"You won't run again, can you promise that to me, Remus? Because I won't take it again. If you leave now or in the future, I'm not going to let you back in. This is your last chance. I hope you really know what you want this time, because as much as you seem to adore stepping on my self-confidence, I won't let you do that to our child. So if you're not really sure that you are willing to stay for good this time, whatever may happen, whether the baby turns out to be a baby or Bellatrix steps through this door or my parents try to kill you, then you know where this door leads to. If you want to rethink your decision-"

But before she could finish her sentence, Remus took her heart-shaped face in his hands and kissed her softly. All protest died on her lips and Remus enjoyed the feeling as her body melted into his and she responded to his kiss as eagerly as always. But as much as he would have loved to continue this kissing session until they would end up in her bedroom, he felt the urge to answer her question. She had sounded so serious about it, and he knew that it was important to her. This was his only condition so far and he should be glad for that. Reluctantly, he took a step back, her sweet face still between his hands, eyes locked with hers.

"Nymphadora Lupin, I swear by everything dear to me in this world that I won't leave you again. I know what I want. I want you and I want our child. To be honest, I never wanted anything else more than this. But this time I have learned my lesson. I'm not making it better by leaving, I make it worse. All it takes to make the two of you happy is for me to stay and do my very best to be a good father and husband, and that I will. I'm not leaving again, never. I've been a fool, but I hope that you can forgive me, Dora. This is all my fault, I repeated a mistake I swore I had learned from. But not this time. I love you so much, Dora. Both of you. Please, let me come back. I'll prove myself worthy. Whatever you want me to do to gain back your trust, I'll do it. I can sleep on the couch or on the floor if it makes you feel better. I'll beg for forgiveness on my knees in front of your parents. I'll let Molly yell at me until I'm deaf. Whatever you want."

This time, Tonks didn't suppress the smile on her face. On the contrary, the smile even turned into an outgrown beam.

"I'll take you by your words, Remus Lupin. Your punishment will be very cruel indeed: I decide that you're bound to me and your child for the rest of our lives, no matter how mean my friends and my family will turn on you for leaving me pregnant in the middle of a war. You'll have to bear my every mood and read every wish from my eyes. And because I will have to retire from my job within the next few months because of my pregnancy, as well as from my order duties, you will have to take my shifts, help me with the paperwork I'll still be able to do and bear my presence without a break other than that. Can you accept these conditions, Mr. Lupin?"

With the greatest beam possible on his face, Remus hugged his wife to him as tightly as he dared with their child in her stomach. He kissed her head and whispered softly into her ear, so that her parents wouldn't hear him if one of them should decide to pass by right then.

"So I won't have to avoid our bed, then?"

Tonks giggled breathlessly and managed to shake her head so that he could see her. Remus' heart restarted its former pace, though for very different reasons this time. But before he could pull her into another deep kiss that would possibly lead them upstairs again, Andromeda decided on a break from her early work and walked into the hall.

"What in the name of Merlin- Remus Lupin, take your hands away from my daughter! How dare you come back and touch her like that after what you've done to her!"

She continued screaming at him at the top of her lungs. A bit scared, Remus took a step back from his wife. Andromeda turned into a second Mrs. Black and succeeded in waking Ted, who stumbled down the stairs, wand drawn, and joined his better half insulting his son-in-law with words Remus had never even heard of before. Tonks leaned back against the wall and watched the whole scenery chuckling to herself. Remus couldn't bring himself to be angry at her, after all he had got himself into this and she had every right to be amused at the deserved punishment. The smug look on her face irritated him, though in a different way. It had to be the Marauder in him, but she never looked sexier than she did wearing this evil little grin. Her black curls framed her small face and her petite figure and her eyes glowed in amusement, even more so than usual. She looked very much like Sirius right then. He pushed the sad thoughts of his friend aside, but still he wanted nothing more than to take her right there. However, his fanatasies were disturbed by the presence of Tonks' screaming, obviously furious parents. There was a jet of light directed at him and he was hardly able to avoid being hit by it. But Remus just kept his hands at his side and let his father-in-law do what he thought right. This was part of his very mild punishment, and as long as he had a second chance with Tonks, he'd take a curse or two from Ted.

Eyes still locked with hers, he continued to imagine him and Tonks as waves of hatred from her parents crashed down on him. For now, he didn't even try to defend himself. It was useless, they had to get over their first shock at seeing him back with Tonks. They would see the truth soon enough. Smiling, he braved their shouted distrust and waited for the moment they would let him get off with his wife.

After about an hour, exhaustion took over and Ted was the first one to take a look at his daughter.

"Dora, are you sure that you want this? He'll only break your heart again and leave you alone with the child."

"It's okay, Dad. Remus won't leave again. Trust me, I know what I'm doing."

"Yeah, you said that before your wedding. And look at you now."

"Dad."

Tonks looked her father straight in the eye and Ted had to swallow hard. He knew his daughter could be just as stubborn as he had been with Andromeda. If she said that she knew what she was doing, than she did know it. Tonks wasn't irresponsible enough to let Remus Lupin do to her child what he had done to her. She was more of an adult than most people gave her credit for and Ted wanted to be the last to underestimate his daughter. He would have to trust her and if Lupin misused her trust, he could still rip out his worthless heart.

"If you say so. It's your decision. But if he does it again, I'll guarantee for nothing."

"All right, Dad. It won't happen again."

"Ted! You can't let him go off with her!"

Andromeda now practically jumped at her husband for betraying their former words.

"It's Dora's decision, Dromeda. She's an adult by now, she has to know. Besides, do you remember how your parents screamed at you for running off with me? Parents don't always know what's best for their children."

Indignantly, Andromda turned on her heels and stormed upstairs into their bedroom. Ted rolled his eyes at his daughter and her husband before he ran after her to help her calm down. The moment they were alone, Remus turned to Tonks and with two long strides, he was pressed against her, holding her to him. This time, he would really live his emotions. He had held back so many things when they had come together the night of Dumbledore's death. In the back of his mind, he had probably known that he would do something stupid and ruin it all. But now he wouldn't leave again. Nobody would be hurt if he let himself go. Because he would stay and it didn't matter that he offered his soul to Tonks. With her, it was probably in better hands than with him. He let her lips come down hard on hers. Tonks wasn't fragile. She could take a bit passion. She'd rather be more grateful if he let go than if he continued being the ever gentle lover. And she responded so eagerly. Remus felt as if fire was burning through his veins rather than blood. She pressed against him just as much as he was pressing against her and he could feel her heat through both their jeans. Determinedly, he lifter her up in his arms and carried her up the stairs. She motioned to the right door as he was already covering her neck in kisses, one hand coming up beneath her shirt. As soon as they crossed the doorstep, he slammed the door shut with his feet and positioned them on Tonks' bed. A quick flick of his wand and her parents weren't able to interrupt or hear them. Tonks tore at his clothes and he heard something ripping apart, but he couldn't care less. He practically shredded her clothes as well, running his hands over her very responsive body, covering her in hot little kisses until she was only capable of whimpering. She arched her back invitingly and Remus couldn't resist any longer. It was rough and it was quick, but more intense than anything Remus had ever felt. He didn't feel too self-conscious or guilty because he knew that Tonks appreciated his actions. She knew that he had actually let go of himself for the very first time and that this meant a deep change in their relationship. A change for the better. Remus had opened up and he wasn't going to feel bad about it. He wanted Tonks to see every side of him, even sides he didn't want to look at too closely himself. She'd love these sides just as he loved everything she showed him, bad or good, beautiful or ugly. His soul would bear completely and Tonks would be the one he decided on as only witness. Carefully, he rolled them over so that they were lying side to side. He placed a protective hand over her still flat stomach and kissed her temple as lovingly as he could. She smiled up at him, in her natural appearance, her dark hair rumpled from their wild lovemaking, eyes glowing with satisfaction, admiration and love. Her little hand was placed on top of his and they both just lay there, losing themselves in each other's eyes, waiting for sleep.


	49. Chapter 49

**Chapter 49**

**Under the full moon**

A few days later, Remus thought very differently about his punishment. Andromeda still wasn't able to forgive him and glared at him whenever he crossed her path. At order meetings, Molly would practically stab him with her eyes and he very well remembered the day he had first seen her after returning to Tonks. It probably would be burnt into the back of his mind, seeing that no one had ever screamed at him like that before. And hopefully, no one would ever do it again. Most of the others still held sympathies for him, but it had been quite ugly when Giovanni had come over. Remus was only happy that Charly wouldn't return too soon from Rumania.

But all the screaming and hatred and mistrust was worth it. When Remus returned from a mission, he would fall on their bed next to Tonks and tell her everything about it with his hand on her stomach. She greeted him with kisses and hugs and caresses and Remus actually couldn't remember why he had ever been so fond of leaving. Except for Molly, things were getting better for the order as well. As Voldemort controlled the media, Fred and George had had the idea of an inofficial radio channel to inform the wizarding world about everything Voldemort kept hidden. Lee Jordan, an old friend of theirs and former pupil of Remus, had agreed to moderate their show and Remus and Kingsley had joined in as well. Looking back at his conversation – or better said his clash – with Harry, he knew that the boy had been right all along and that right now, he was exactly where he was supposed to be. Without Harry, he would have gone the wrong path. He was really sorry how he had treated his best friend's son and whenever he thought about it, waves of guilt hit him. But he did his best to make up for it doing everything possible to support his fight against Voldemort. And maybe one day, he would have the chance to apalogise properly.

Meanwhile, Tonks has much less fun. The order had deprived her of most of her mission and by now, even the ministry knew about her pregnancy. She had tried to keep it a secret, but morning sickness hit her everywhere and since Voldemort had taken over after Scrimgeour's death, it had been impossible to hide anything. Someone noticed her regular meeting with the toilet and soon the new head of the Auror office was standing at her desk, rambling about the dangers for pregnant Aurors in the field. Tonks thought she might have heard him add something that sounded very much like "and that's why we don't want women for the job". She decided to overlook that sexist comment and concentrated on her work, but soon all the forms and reports bored her. But she couldn't take a step out of her cubicle without getting bothered by Dolores Umbridge who followed her wherever she went. Tonks always heard her muttering something under her breath, but she was never able to make out what she was saying. Probably insults concerning Remus and how anyone could want to marry a half-breed. She could have bet that once, she had heard her saying something about inhuman creatures marrying each other and how such things should be forbidden in their great country, but she chose to ignore Umbridge as much as possible. It was no use getting enraged with her, under Voldemort she stood no chance against the old hag. So she tried to keep busy and in her cubicle as much as she could, only now and then stealing out to get a coffee or go to the toilet. But Dolores Umbridge stayed always right behind her. Tonks came to the conclusion that either they were supervising her cubicle or Umbridge stood in front of it the whole day. As the latter was somehow improbable, as Umbridge didn't have the condition to stand hours on end, Tonks turned very careful as to what she was saying and doing during work. She advised Remus to stay away from the ministry aside from possible emergencies.

But despite all of that, Tonsk decided that it was worth it. Even Molly and Andromeda mothering her all the time couldn't lessen her joy over her pregnancy. When Remus came home from a mission or she returned from work, everything was so perfect she knew she could face all the terror at work with a smile on her face. She waited excitedly for the day she would start to show and whenever some piece of clothing didn't really fit any more, she broke it in a radiating grin. Remus watched her in amusement, a book in his hand all the while and Tonks just knew that this was how it was meant to be – well, except for the terror at work, Voldemort's rule and the war and stuff. But as soon as she was home, she felt incredibly happy. Remus did keep to his word and read every wish from her eyes before she could voice it, he beared her mother's death glares at the breakfast table sitting straight and she loved to curl up on their bed and listen to his voice on the radio. She'd tell her baby how proud she was of its daddy and most days she'd fall asleep before Remus' return and he would wake her with a soft kiss because he wanted her to know that he was there. This routine had developed right after the first night Remus had been away on a mission after his return. Tonks had been asleep and he hadn't dared to wake her, so he had just reclined next to her. In the morning, he had been up early and went downstairs to make breakfast for everyone, when he had heard a piercing scream followed by sobs. When he had arrived in their bedroom, he had found his wife in hysterics because she thought he had left again. It had taken quite some time to calm her down and even the remark that he had returned in the middle of the night as was proved by the warmth on his side of the bed hadn't helped it much. Remus had learned that it was harder for his wife to cope with his moods than he had thought. She wasn't thinking rational when it came down to him possibly leaving her, she just freaked out when he wasn't there and she hadn't seen him return. But even with Remus waking her whenever he came home she sometimes got hysteric when he rose early the next morning without telling her where he would go. It hurt Remus to see his Dora in such a state because of him and he desperately wanted her to trust him again, as unconditionally as she had before. But he knew that this was his fault and that it would need time until she would be able to really accept that he would stay this time.

Three weeks after Remus had come back to Tonks, there was a full moon. Their relationship had developed much since his return, as Remus didn't hold back so much of him any more. He had let Tonks care for him when he had sensed the first waves of exhaustion, nausea and headaches come down on him and he had told her how he sometimes felt a bit more wolfish than usual when he became enraged or aroused. She had kissed away his sorrows and then they had made love so soft and gently that Remus couldn't deny that his humanity clearly won over his wolfishness. But although most of their old conflicts had slowly died away in the course of their relationship, either right from the night of Dumbledore's death or after Remus' return, there was one thing they kept arguing about, and those arguments weren't always harmless. It concerned the following: Tonks wanted to keep him company during the full moon. He had been drinking his Wolfsbane Potion which had been prepared by Tonks herself who had gotten her hands on the ingredients on ways she kept quiet about. Remus suspected that it had something to do with Mundungus Fletcher, however she had been able to detect him. Remus was worried that there might be something wrong with the potion or that he hadn't taken it correctly and he didn't want to know Tonks within his reach, especially not with their baby in her stomach. But Tonks refused to listen to his 'excuses' as she labeled them, having heard enough of that from Remus for the rest of her life. She was convinced that deep down, he just didn't want to see her in that state, vulnerable and not quite human. In the back of his mind, Remus himself had to admit that this was part of the problem. The other – true – part was that he was scared what she'd do if she saw him like that. Even after all they had gone through he was still afraid that only now she would see what he truly was and that she would run away screaming. He just couldn't help it, he had grown up in a world where everybody run for their lives as soon as they knew what he was. In their final argument before Remus would lock himself up in the spare room, they finally got to this point:

"Please, tell me that you're not serious! I mean, honestly, Remus, I thought I proved my love for you more often than I should have been forced to and you actually still think that I will run away just because I will see you as a wolf?"

"Dora, you really shouldn't have to see me like that. I don't want you to be scared of me."

"Oh, really. As if I could be scared of you. You're so harmless you couldn't even kill a fly."

"The fly didn't do anything wrong."

"She was annoying. But that's not the point, you know I love your soft sides just as well. What I want to say is that I won't be scared of your wolf form, if you believe me or not. Just let me be with you. You could use some company."

"I'm fine on my own, Tonks."

"So it's Tonks again, hm? I know that you're not fine when you're alone during a full moon. Sirius told me about it."

"That was the old times when I didn't have any Wolfsbane. I'm not going to hurt myself, don't worry."

"But you'll still feel lonely. And you'll be bored, sitting there locked up in a room with nothing other to do than staring at the walls. If I were with you, I could read you a book or something."

"I'm not eight years old. You don't have to read me books, that's just silly. I'll just sleep the whole night and that's it. You're not going with me, Dora."

With that, he shut the door behind him – a bit more violent than was necessary – and errected his protection spells. Remus was sure that Tonks would keep out, as he had made his point very clear. She'd accept his wishes and one day, she would get over it. He wasn't much of a sight in his wolf form, anyway.

As a matter of fact, Tonks didn't even consider staying out of the spare room for one second. As soon as she heard the first scream of pain, the wand in her hand pointed at the door and within a miniute, all of Remus' careful placed spells were ruined to nothing. Tonks opened the door carefully, but when she saw her husband on his knees, trying to bite back the screams, she hurried over to him and kneeled down at his side. He was clearly not in a state to protest against her presence, he hadn't even noticed her coming in.

As Remus started to change into his wolf form, Tonks stepped back. She knew she wouldn't help him if she stood close enough for him to hurt her during his transformation. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself. So she had to content herself with closing the door, replacing the protection spells and adding a silencing spell. She was rather sure that Remus didn't want her parents to hear him howl. Once the transformation was through, a big light brown wolf with streaks of grey in his fur lay panting on the floor. He tried to stand, but almost immediately landed on the floor again. Worried, Tonks rushed up to his side and stroked his head. When she arrived at his ears, he produced a sound that reminded her so much of a purr that she had to stiffle a laugh. At the sudden movement, Remus' head jerked up and his eyes locked with hers. Only now he seemed to realise that Tonks was there. He rose and retreated into the corner farthest from her.

"Oh, come on, Remus. I'm already here, the protection spells are up and up until now you didn't harm me in any way. There's no need to sulk."

The wolf growled at her at the word 'sulk'. Tonks interpreted it as an 'I don't sulk'.

"Of course you do. Now come here so I can continue where we stopped."

Remus turned his head away.

"You're so immature! Everything's fine, no one will be hurt. You can stop acting the noble saviour. I'm not running away. In fact, I think that you look rather cute as a wolf."

Remus only turned his head back at her for another growl, than he replaced it between his paws and pretended to sleep.

"I know you don't sleep."

No movement from the wolf.

"Well, if you're asleep, then you can't avoid me when I'm coming to you."

Tonks rose carefully from her sitting position and approached Remus, but as soon as she had made it halfway, he rose again and trotted over to another corner.

"Now you're being outright childish. I-"

Originally, she had intended to say 'I'm fine', but the moment she was about to say it, her morning sickness decided to switch the time of day and returned with a violence that made it impossible for Tonks to stay on her feet. She sank to the floor and although she had no idea why there was a bucket in the spare room, she was very grateful for it right then. She just had to grab behind her and it was in her hand, just in time to avoid further damage to the floor.

Though Tonks had wished for Remus' presence during her attacks of nausea when she had found out about her pregnancy, she hadn't allowed him to stay with her when he had actually returned. Much like Remus had refused to let her stay by his side during the full moon, Tonks wasn't too convinced that her husband would think better of her if he would start his days watching her throw up. Usually, the morning sickness stuck to its name and only hunted her after she'd stood up, but from time to time it returned uninvited. Up until now, Tonks had been lucky and Remus had never been there when it came down to that, but right then there had been no way to avoid it. And she felt really bad. Not only because of the violent caughing and retching that made her stomach turn and her muscles clench in agony, but also because she made Remus' worst day of the month even worse. Instead of helping him, he had to watch her as she revisited her dinner. Tears of pain and shame ran down her cheeks when she felt something cold and wet against her temple. She used a pause inbetween the sessions to carefully look up. Remus had left his corner on the other side of the room and was now touching his dog-like nose to her temple. It soothed her and at the same time, it kept her long black hair out of the bucket – at least on one side. As she looked down on her other one, she noticed that her curls hadn't been spared contact with the bucket's content. But before she could comment her situation, another wave of nausea hit her and it all started anew.

Finally, after about an hour of seemingly endless retching and coughing and whimpering, Tonks slid down to the floor in exhaustion and rested her forehead on the cool boards. She had been lucky that she had had the bucket, otherwise her mother would have killed her for ruining her wooden floor. Remus next to her shifted uncomfortably next to her. He didn't know what to do. Tonks looked horribly pale and her body was shaking all over. She had one hand clenched over her stomach and Remus was worried about both his wife and his unborn child. But there was no way he could get out of the room with all the protection spells around it, not without being able to use his wand. The bit of wandfree magic he was able to do wouldn't help him out of here. Tonks herself seemed to be knocked out and for the first time, he understood what it had to be like for her on a full moon. She wasn't allowed to enter the room but if something happened to him, he couldn't get out or even call for help. She just had to wait until morning to see if he was still alive or not. And that was exactly the way Remus felt as he lay next to Tonks, carefully touching his nose to her temple, her neck and even her nose until it was all dried out and ached from her salty sweat.

Sometime in the middle of the night, when the moon stood high, Tonks awoke and rolled her head over to Remus.

"I'm sorry." Her voice was hoarse and barely audible.

Remus shook his head to indicate that it wasn't her fault.

"Yes, it is. I wanted to be here with you to help you, not for you to help me. I'm so sorry. I should care for you, not the other way round."

Remus nudged her with his snout and shook his head again. Tonks smiled weakly. He just looked too cute as a wolf. But all too soon she was serious again.

"You shouldn't have to see me that way, really. Must have been disgusting."

Remus shot her a significant look.

"Yeah, I know. That was your own argument. But believe me, someone turning into a werewolf looks much better than me throwing up."

She rolled her eyes and immediately cringed in pain. Her head hurt like hell and her throat was as dry as a desert. Remus looked at her, worry in his eyes that looked so much like the human Remus even though they had the shape and colour of a wolf's eyes. He nudged her stomach so carefully he hardly touched it and stared at her questioningly.

"The baby's all right, I think. It's just a sort of morning sickness, don't worry."

He didn't took his eyes of her, staring until she gave in.

"Okay, okay, we're going to St. Mungos tomorrow. Satisfied?"

Remus nodded and lay down beside her so that she could cuddle up to his warm side. With a sigh of relief, she bedded her head on his soft fur and soon she was fast asleep, soothed by his soft breathing. The wolf's eyes were full of love when he curled up around his beloved so that she was as comfortable as a floor could possibly be. He placed his big head on his paws and slowly drifted off into a peaceful slumber, the warm breath of his wife in his fur.


	50. Chapter 50

**Chapter 50**

**Care**

The next morning, Remus woke up to find Tonks sprawled over him in a not too comfortable looking position. He had a hard time remembering the previous night's events, but then he knew that she surely had slept through his transformation back to his human state. It was a miracle that he hadn't hurt her, but somehow he was still relieved that she had been there. He had learned his lesson, he would no longer be afraid of being weak in front of his wife. And from now on, he would rise whenever she hurried out of bed in the morning. How could he haven't noticed how bad her morning sickness actually was? He should be at her side, supporting her, instead of lying in their comfortable bed, waiting for her to come out of the bathroom again. Of course, the sight wasn't exactly thrilling, but if she had to cope with it, he would, too.

Tonks chose exact this moment to wake. Her neck was aching and her back hurt, but otherwise she was very comfortable. Yawning, she turned to adjust her position, when she noticed that the thing she was lying upon wasn't her bed. Her bed didn't breathe. And all of a sudden, the memories of last night returned and Tonks was sitting up in a moment's notice. Though she regretted her actions immediately, as she was hit by another wave of sickness. This time, someone was holding up her hair so that it wouldn't get into the bucket again. Tonks refused to look down her right side, as she knew that her hair had to look disgusting. When she was done – the nausea was much less violent than before – she sat up – careful, this time – and looked at her husband, tears in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Remus." Her voice was so hoarse she didn't even know for sure that he could hear her, it already took an effort to whisper. "I wanted to help you and now I've made it worse. You must feel horrible and instead of resting, you have to help me."

"Oh, Dora. Stop worrying. It's not that bad-"

The way his face flinched and his hand wandered to his ribs, she was sure he was lying. She shot him a significant look.

"It hurts, but I'll be all right. For now, we'll have to bring you to St. Mungo's."

"Remus, no. I'm fine and the baby is okay. I'll help you into bed and then I'll have a good breakfast and everything will be fine."

"Dora, you really scared me last night. It seemed as if you were going to die. I'm not letting you get by so easily. I might not be able to see you to St. Mungo's myself, but I'm sure I can talk your mother into bringing you there."

"Remus!"

"No, Dora. I want to be sure that you're all right. Please. Go down and ask Andromeda if she'll go with you. I can handle myself, I've been fine after full moons before I met you."  
"But you shouldn't have to be! Please, I want to help you. I don't need help, I'm fine now."

"Dora, you look like death warmed up. Twice, at best. Please, I won't be able to rest not knowing if everything's okay with you and the baby."

"I'll go. If you allow me to bring you to bed first!"

"But we take the bed over there. You're not going to half carry me through the whole corridor to our bed in the state you are in."

Annoyed, she rolled her eyes at him, but she still accepted the compromise. After Remus was comfortably positioned in a huge pile of cushions, half asleep before he could remind her of seeing a healer, Tonks sighed and went downstairs. She would keep to her promise, but she wasn't happy to have to tell her mother what had happened the night before. Andromeda would be enraged to know that her daughter had risked her life and that of her child to stay with a husband who, in her opinion, was unworthy of her love.

As soon as she entered the kitchen, Andromeda fussed over her, as it was now her habit.

"Nymphadora, dear, you look horrible! Did you stay up all night? This man doesn't do you any good-"

"Mum, it's okay. I haven't been up all night. I went to see Remus and was hit by a violent attack of morning sickness. Or rather night sickness, in this case. He helped me through."

"Oh, Dora, are you all right? We'll – wait a moment. If you have been with Remus, then you've been in the spare room..."

"Nothing happened to your wooden floor, there was a bucket next to the bed."

"Oh, good. Well, then we'll still have to go see a healer. Don't frown at me like that, you look horrible and if that fit of sickness really was that bad, you should make sure that the two of you are all right."

"Remus said the same, but really, Mum, we don't have to go to St. Mungo's, I'm fine..."  
"Yes, that's what I said when I almost lost you sixth months pregnant."

"What?"

"I thought I just ate something wrong and didn't want to go see a healer. My stomach ached a bit, what was there to it? But your father was so anxious, he practically forced me into the hospital. And luckily, we were just in time. I've been on the edge of losing you and looking back, it would be horrible to know I would have missed out on you just because I've been too stubborn to go to St. Mungo's."

"You're not just telling me that to scare me, right?"

"No, it actually happened that way. Ask who you like. You shouldn't underestimate anything when you're pregnant. That could be a horrible mistake."

"But I can't run straight into St. Mungo's every time I'm a bit uncomfortable!"

Andromeda shot her a death glare and Tonks decided that it was best to keep quiet now. She would just have to oblige to her mother and her husband. If she was right and everything was fine, she hopefully wouldn't have to stay in hospital for too long. Maybe she could be home soon enough to greet Remus when he'd finally wake up and give him her best 'I told you so' look.

Half an hour later, Tonks was not so sure that she had been right. The healer wore an expression she couldn't define and his motionless face was worrying her. Andromeda's grip on her hand tightened when the man finally looked up from the spells he had been performing to speak to them.

"Well, Mrs. Lupin, everything seems to be fine so far. But we will give you a potion to reduce the burning in your throat, it seems you have suffered several chemical burns from your gastric acid. Must have been a tough night. We don't have much of it on stock, so you'll may have to go to Diagon Alley to get some at the apothecary, but I'd like you to take something against the sickness and the cramps. If you feel another of these violent fits of nausea coming up, you should take some. This time, the baby has suffered no damage, but such contractions could lead to a miscarriage. The potion will relax your muscles a bit."

With tears in her eyes, unable to speak, Tonks nodded her thanks. She was rather grateful that they had come here. She didn't want anything to happen to her unborn child because she wasn't careful enough. Then she would have to walk about with bottles of potions in her pockets, better than losing the baby she longed for so deeply she couldn't imagine not having it. She didn't want to admit it, but in the end, Remus and Andromeda had been right patronising her as they had. So when the healer had left to gather the potions, Tonks turned to face the wall and refused to speak to her mother. She felt ashamed and irresponsible.

All of a sudden, the healer had been gone for some time now, there was calming hand on her shoulder.

"Dora, it's not that bad. You couldn't know. You're used to ignoring pain and avoiding St. Mungo's. It's not your fault and everything's all right now."

"No, Mum, it's not all right. If I hadn't come here, who knows what might have happened to the baby the next time this kind of nausea would have come up? I could have lost our child just because I'm stubborn and immature. I wanted to prove that I'm ready for this, that I can be a mother and raise a child, but I'm doing everything wrong before my child is even born! I'm going to be a horrible mother! Merlin, I don't even want to think about it what it would have done to Remus had I lost the baby..."

Tonks' voice was thick with tears and died down towards the end of her speech.

"Oh, Dora. Nobody's born a mother! You'll have to learn it the hard way, as everyone else. That's how I learned it and I think I can say that it worked out rather nicely, don't you? You're not horrible. Just listen to me a bit more often. And – Merlin helps me, I've never thought I'd say that – maybe you should listen to Remus as well. He's doing his best to protect you, if nothing else."

Finally, Tonks turned to face her mother and stared at her in utter disbelief.

"Did you just defend Remus?"

"Well, he has been right when he wanted you to come here..."

Beaming, the tears still on her cheeks completely forgotten, Tonks pulled her mother into a tight hug.

"Thanks, Mum. You don't know how much that means to me. Do you think you could be just a little less mean to him when you see him the next time? The full moon's tough on him, you know."

"Of course, love. But I can't promise I won't be a bit nasty from time to time. Even if he meant well, he broke your heart and I can't let him get away with that just because he's advised he right thing for once."

Tonks rolled her eyes at her mother, but the smile never left her face and she gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

Eventually, the healer arrived with the potions, sparing them the visit to Diagon Alley. Nowadays, the sight of the deserted streets depressed Tonks. There had been so much life, but when she walked them now, everyone hurried from shop to shop and then back home without taking a second look at their surroundings. There was nothing where there had been crowds of people in front of Florian Fortescue's beforehand, or excited first years waiting in front of Olivander's. Perhaps she was a bit hormonal, but the change made her so sad she had assigned Remus to get their money from Gringott's because she just couldn't take that emptiness. And Remus obliged without complaint, even though the goblins checked him twice every time he entered and had more than enough stinging comments about half-breeds on their tongues.

Tonks was back for breakfast and after she'd had a generous share of everything her mother brought to table, she grabbed for a tray and made her way up to her still sleeping husband. She even managed to arrive in the spare room without spilling anything. Carefully, she positioned the food on the bedside cabinet when Remus' eyes opened.

"You're back."

"Yeah."

"Have you been at St. Mungo's."

"Yes, Mum accompanied me."

"What's the matter, love? You're so silent."

The look on his face was one of genuine worry and it touched her so deeply as she noticed the dark circles beneath his eyes and the paleness of his skin, that she just broke down on the bed next to him and sobbed into his chest.

"Dora? Dora, what's wrong? Is the baby okay?"

His reserves seemed to return at the thought of his little family in danger.

"It's not that, at least for now..."

The blanket was muffling her voice, but Remus still heard her. Relived, he sank back into the pillows, concern still etched on his features.

"What's it then, darling?"

"I've been such a fool. The healer covered me in potions because he was worried that I could lose the baby the next time I have such a fit of nausea. If you hadn't made me, I'd never have gone to St. Mungo's! I'm a horrible mother and the poor thing is not even born. Good thing you returned, I'll probably would have killed it already."

Tonks tried to laugh at herself through her tears, but the bitterness was too dominant to allow more than a weak smile. Strong arms, a little shaky from last night's transformation, pressed her to him.

"Don't say something like this. You're going to be a great mother. And I'm here to look after the both of you. You don't have to do everything on your own, you know."

Still sniffing, Tonks nodded and buried her head deeper into Remus' comfortable chest, consoled not only by his words but also by his soft breathing. As soon as she had calmed down, she propped up on her elbows and looked down at him.

"How are you? I'm so selfish, I should have cared for you first."

"No, it's all right, love. I'm fine. I just have to lie in a comfortable bed and wait for you to bring me my breakfast. Not that exciting."

He tried a grin but flinched almost immediately.

"Does it still hurt a lot? Maybe I should check whether you're injured, there seems to be something wrong with your ribs."

"It's nothing, really. I'm just aching a bit all over and my head is about to explode, but there's no serious damage."

"That's what I said, too."

"Yes, but I'm not carrying our child. I've been through this before, believe me, there's nothing you have to worry about."

"Well, then I guess you'll be grateful that I thought of that potion here."

Grinning, she rotated a little bottle in front of him, filled to the brim with a hot pink liquid.

"Is that what I think it is?"

"Yup, it is. Your headache will vanish in no time at all."

"But isn't the potion supposed to be blue?"

"Special Tonks recipe. Don't frown at me, I managed the Wolfsbane, one would think you'll trust me with a simple pain killing potion."

Resigning to his fate, Remus swallowed the content of the bottle in one go. His head felt better the instant the cool liquid ran down his throat.

"Dora, you're brilliant."

"I know. Now, do you want to eat on your own or shall I feed you?"

She didn't even await his answer before she held a fork filled to the brim with fried egg in front of his mouth.


	51. Chapter 51

**Chapter 51**

**Ups and downs**

Within the next week, the morning sickness lessened and Tonks dared to let the potions stay out of her eye's reach. Remus was less worried for now and left for 'Potter Watch' without any sign of regret. When he came home, he usually found Tonks breeding over some paperwork she had to bring from work, as every Auror in the office tried to toss theirs on her desk as well, seeing that she couldn't do anything else right now. Sighing, she sat there, rubbing her eyes, trying to concentrate on Dawlish's scrawled notes so she could make a report out of it. It upset her that now, all she could do was reading about other people's missions instead of doing anything on her own. But then again, she should probably think about taking another job anyway. Being a mother and risking one's life chasing dark wizards wasn't exactly the best combination. But Tonks didn't know what else to do with herself. Being an Auror had been all she'd ever dreamed of. She couldn't think of any other job she could do once the baby was born. Maybe she should talk about that with Remus or her Mum. Just as the thought crossed her mind, light foot steps approached and strong hands began massaging her shoulders.

"What have you been thinking about?"

Remus' voice always soothed her and right now, she was grateful for every distraction from her boring work.

"What I'm supposed to do once the baby is born. I mean, being an Auror isn't exactly the best job for a mother. Especially not in these times and not when the baby's just been born. But I can't figure out what to do with myself."

Thinking hard, Remus placed his chin on top of her head and hummed softly.

"Well, there has to be something you can do. I mean, I don't want to stop you from returning to your job if that's what you want, but you are right there, I think."

"I've put much thought into this, believe me. I'm convinced that it's best I retire from my job, at least in the near future. "

"How about another job in the ministry? Or you continue doing the paperwork?"

"Oh, come on, Remus. You know how much I hate paperwork. And I don't want to sit around all day, either. And with him in power, the ministry isn't safe, anyway."

"But what is? Maybe you could do something else? Ask Giovanni or the twins if they need someone?"

Tonks spun around on her chair so fast she almost caused Remus to fall over.

"Remus, that's brilliant! I mean, I'll have to do some paperwork, but that's hard to avoid. And it's the best compromise I've heard up until now."

"Not now, please. I don't want you to carry cartons full of firework when you're pregnant. When I think about it, it's probably better you don't carry anything comprehending firework no matter if you're pregnant or not."

"Git. And I won't have to carry anything. I'm a witch, if you please to remember. There are levitation spells."

"I don't know if that's safe with you, either."

Tonks glared at the huge mischievous grin on Remus' face.

"Well, if you're so content with yourself, you can sleep on the couch tonight."

Immediately, the grin disappeared.

"Dora, you know I didn't mean it that way. I'll make up for it."

With that, he gathered her in his arms, fell down on the chair and placed her on his lap, bringing his hands up to her tense shoulders again. Almost purring, Tonks leaned back against his chest.

"You wanted me to do that, right?"

"Of course. I'd never let you sleep on the couch, you know that."

Remus chuckled and covered her neck in soft little kisses. With a squeak she jumped off his lap. The death glare on her face could have matched Minerva McGonagall.

"Remus John Lupin, you know very damn well how ticklish I am at this very point! I've never thought you could stoop so low as to annoy your pregnant wife after a hard day full of boring paperwork. If that's how you cherish me you could have left with Harry just as well. And that after all I'm doing for you around full moon, I'd really expected more from you..."

Offended, Tonks turned her back to her husband and faced the wall.

"Dora, I'm sorry. I thought it'd relax you a bit. I promise I'll never do it again."

Completely distraught, he noticed that her small form was shaking with what he assumed were sobs.

"Dora, darling, I'm really sorry. Can I get you anything to make up for that?"

Careful, he turned her around only to find that tears of mirth were running down her cheeks as she desperately tried to suppress a roaring laughter. Her eyes twinkled impishly. Now it was Remus' turn to be huffy.

"Oh, really, you didn't buy that, did you?"

Tonks' voice was hardly audible as it was shaking with laughter. Instead of an answer, he responded by turning away from her as dignified as possible.

"Remus, stop being so overcritical with yourself. You didn't do anything wrong and by now you should know me well enough to give me credit for some humour at least."

"And you're really not upset?" He still faced the wall.

"Of course not. Why should I be upset? You meant well and it's nice to have a little fun while everything's so dark out there."

"And you're sure you're not upset? With all those pregnancy hormones you can never be sure..."

That was the last that was heard of Remus Lupin before he went down on the floor, becoming involved in the biggest tickle war of all times...

XxxxxxxxxX

A few days later, Remus came home from a particularly exhausting night. The 'Potter Watch' crew had almost been caught by Death Eaters as Lee Jordan had been about to reveal the latest password. They had been able to escape just in time, but now no one was sure if anyone would be able to hear the next show. Using an old password was dangerous, but they had to think of something most people would be able to figure out. Which shouldn't include any Death Eaters or spies. Remus had been given this task but he really didn't feel up to it right now. They would meet again in three days and he wasn't sure he would make it until then. Or that he would come up with anything worth listening to.

Sighing, he dropped his shoes in the hall and got rid off his cloak before he stumbled upstairs to look after Tonks. When he finally made it to their bedroom, she sat on their bed, back straight and a radiant beam on her face. Remus caught himself grinning back. He might feel down, but he could never resist Tonks' smile. Grateful, he leaned against the door frame and took in the sight that offered itself to him.

"So, what happened? Did you get a week off from paperwork?"

"Even better. I asked Giovanni for a job and he had one. I just resigned from the ministry."

Another grin crossed Remus' face.

"That's brilliant. Did you tell Minerva?"

"Not now. But, you know, I bet she'll understand. I wasn't of much use these last weeks, they were watching me too closely to let anything drop."

"It's all right, Dora. You don't have to feel guilty about it."

Tonks sighed and the smile on her face faltered a bit.

"Yes, I have. Not that I don't love our baby, but my timing is horrible. I would be more useful if I weren't pregnant. I mean, it's not as if we could afford losing a member."

She did her best not to cry, but one or two tears escaped nonetheless. Two long strides later, Remus was at her side, pulling her into a tight embrace.

"Don't worry about that, love. No one is angry with you, except for yourself."

"You've been angry with me, too."

"No, I wasn't. I could never be angry with you. I was just surprised and you're right, the timing is not the best. But no one knows if we'll survive this war and if not now when else?"

"You're just saying this to make me feel better. You were angry. Because I hadn't been careful."

"I haven't been careful, either. It's not your fault, it's not a fault at all. I don't regret what we've done, Dora."

Surprised, she looked up at him.

"You're not?"

"No. Maybe in the beginning. But whatever this child will become, I'll love it with everything I'm worth, as I love you. As you said it, when it feels so right, it can hardly be wrong, right?"

"But that's different. I mean..."

"You're not useless, Dora. You should have seen Minerva's face when she learned about the child. I've never seen her so proud. Everyone's more cheerful. You were too busy to notice it yourself, but our child spreads hope wherever we go. And if we need anything in this uneven war, it's hope."

"I guess that's right, but still. Raising a child in times of war sounds so irresponsible..."

"Well, I never thought of Molly and Arthur as irresponsible, but if you put it that way..."

"Git."

With a content sigh, Tonks pressed herself against her husband, reveling in his comforting warmth. His hands rubbed gently up and down her sides and she felt herself relax, when suddenly she felt a sharp intake of breath. Immediately, her head jerked up.

"What is it, Remus?"

"Could you stand up for a minute, please?"

Confused, Tonks did as she was told. Another sharp intake of breath followed. Remus stared at her wide-eyed.

"Remus, are you all right?"

He didn't answer, instead he brought his hand back up to her stomach and let it wander downwards. Tonks stopped breathing altogether when she realised what he had been aiming at. There was a slight rotundity to her belly. She had started to show and hadn't even noticed it, although she had been waiting for it for weeks on end. Instantaneously, her eyes filled to the brim with tears of joy. She grabbed Remus' hand and practically jumped at him. He fell backwards onto their mattress, laughing as he hadn't done in years. Tonks landed on top of him and made herself at home on his chest, legs intertwined and feet still touching the floor – at least Remus' feet. Whenever he felt like he should stop laughing before he died of exhaustion, another strand of curly black hair tickled his nose and he just couldn't calm down. Tonks' pregnancy seemed so much more real all of a sudden. It had been there all along, but now everyone could see it. If that person looked pretty closely, that was. But still. She was his and she was carrying his child and everyone passing them would know. For the first time, Remus didn't feel the slightest bit of guilt about that. He was proud and happy and – let's face it – a bit possessive. But right then, he sensed that he was allowed to feel that way.

Tonks was laughing along with him. She laughed the sensation of placing her hand on her stomach and feeling that slight bump against it. She had been waiting for it since the day she had learned about her pregnancy. For every other reason, she'd have been upset to feel something between her and Remus that didn't allow her to come as close as possible. But a baby bump – even in its beginnings – was the only exception she could think of. Now she wouldn't have to explain anyone why Remus wouldn't let her carry anything remotely heavy or why she was doing nothing but paperwork or why she had just resigned from being an Auror. Everybody would see it. Everyone would know that she was having Remus' baby and she could walk by as proudly as she wanted. She couldn't wait for the next order meeting to show off a little.


	52. Chapter 52

**Chapter 52**

**The leave**

Order meetings were anything but rare these days. Everyone had heard about Harry breaking into the ministry and Hermione was still on the list of Muggleborns wanted for interrogation. As none of three had been telling the order what they were doing exactly, they just did their best to not stand in their way. All they could do was keeping up 'Potterwatch', trying to help Muggleborns escape the snatchers and guessing at what Harry's mission was about. The boy and his two best friends were the last hope of the wizarding world, even if no one wanted to admit it. If this mission didn't include bringing Voldemort down, or if they should fail, the wizarding folk had nothing to show in response to Voldemort's tyranny. Every day, there were new names on the list of people wanted for interrogation, muggleborn or not. The _Daily Prophet _wisely kept quiet about the deaths of those people. It was 'Potterwatch' that informed the interested opposition to Voldemort's new regency on those occurrences.

Minerva often stayed in Hogwarts then, being too busy with watching the new headmaster, Severus Snape, traitor and murderer of Albus Dumbledore. Though she admitted once that the Carrows were worse. She had to fear for her pupils and Molly shook with sorrow whenever Minerva mentioned the new learning methods at Hogwarts. Everyone assured her that Ginny would be all right and that she had lived through worse, but somehow that didn't calm her down that much.

September ended and October was in its beginnings when the first waves of war hit the Tonks' house. One morning, Tonks was sitting at breakfast with her father, both being up early. Andromeda was still sleeping, as Remus did. Ted had been woken by sorrows and Tonks, being into week 17 by now, by her bladder. It was still too early to actually eat something, so they just sipped their tea and waited for the rest of the house to wake up. Ted busied himself with the _Daily Prophet_ when suddenly he went pale as a sheet. His hands shook madly, causing the paper to rustle and his daughter to look from her mug.

"Dad, what's wrong? You're so pale."

Ted's lip quivered, but he tried to keep his voice steady.

"Everything's fine, darling. Just an old classmate who appeared on the list. But they haven't caught him now, I suppose. Would be in the _Prophet_."

"Not if they killed him."

Ted startled at the tone of her voice.

"Oh, Dad, sorry, I didn't mean it that way. It's just that everyone seems to die or to be searched for by the ministry these days. I fear I've turned a bit numb. I'm really sorry.", whispered Tonks, close to tears. Immediately, Ted regained a bit colour and hugged his daughter to him tightly.

"It's okay, Dora, it's not your fault. You didn't mean for any of this to happen. It's natural to turn numb, otherwise you would be crying all day and that wouldn't be good for the baby. It's better when you don't beat yourself up about it."

He rocked her back and forth, as he had done when she had been a baby. She calmed down in his arms and finally offered him a weak smile. Her glowing eyes still glistened with unshed tears, but it was better than actual crying. Ted did his best to smile back, hiding the newspaper behind his back. He didn't want to know the distress Tonks would be in should she learn whose name actually was on the list. It was no other than Theodore Tonks.

XxxxxxxxxX

Later this day, Ted sneaked down into the kitchen, a packed bag under his arm. He had waited until the others had fallen asleep. He didn't know if he had the strength to argue should they learn about his plan and try to stop him. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he admired Remus for being able to leave when Tonks had begged for him to stay. He knew he couldn't look into his daughter's eyes, or in those of his wife, without giving in. But he had to leave. He was on the list. The ministry was looking for him. And he knew his two women. They would stand in front of him, fighting for him. But they shouldn't have to. If he wasn't there, then there was no reason to fight. His pregnant daughter wouldn't endanger herself and his unborn grandchild and his Dromeda would stay save. She was a pureblood, after all, even if she had married a Muggleborn. In the back of his mind, Ted probably knew that his flight was senseless. The house wasn't safe, anyway. They would come sooner or later, looking for Remus or for Tonks for being members of the order. But for now, they would stay out of harm's reach.

All of a sudden, the kitchen was lit brightly. Slowly, Ted turned around. He knew who had caught him before he could see the lean figure of Remus Lupin standing in the doorway. Remus had seen right through him when he had come down for breakfast. If anyone knew how guilt and thoughts of flight expressed themselves on a face, then it was him.

"You know it already, right?"

"I saw it in your eyes this morning. And I found this"

He held up a copy of the _Prophet._

"You won't stop me?"

"It's not my task to stop you. You didn't stop me back then. You knew what I was going to do but you didn't do anything to hold me back. I'll return that favour."

The look in Remus' eyes told Ted that his flight would be of no use. But he still felt he had to do it. A smile crossed the older man's face. Now he knew what had been going on in his son-in-law's mind when he had left his Dora.

"Will you return?" Remus' voice was hoarse, even more so than usual, and Ted thought he could see tears glistening in them.

"If I can. When this is over.", he whispered, swallowing hard. "You know what they are like. They would try to protect me and I hope you understand that I can't let them. Not with things as they are."

Remus nodded. Ted felt his own throat tighten with upcoming tears. Quickly, both men looked away from each other until their emotions had lost their grip on them. It wouldn't do any good if they started crying over his leave. It felt like a bad omen. As if he wouldn't return. And who knew? Maybe he wouldn't. He didn't want to imagine the tears Tonks and Andromeda would cry should he die on the run. There was one thing left to say.

"If I don't come back-", Remus tried to interrupt him at that point, but Ted held up his hand to silence him. "No, let me tell you this before I go. I want you to care for Dora and Dromeda. You'll be everything they'll have left if I... well. You and the baby. I swear, if you let anything happen to my daughter or my grandchild, not to speak of my wife, then I'll return, no matter where I'll be and if I'm still alive. If need should be, I'll raise from the dead to kill you in person."

Remus just nodded, still unable to speak.

"Right. Then it's time to go for me, I think. Don't wake them, please."

The werewolf shook his head and took a step back so that Ted could get out of the kitchen. They shared one last rueful smile, then Ted disapparated in the cool night air.

Remus sighed. He knew that he would have to explain a lot. Tonks wasn't dumb, she would know that he had been guessing at her father's intention. After the first shock, she'd probably try to kill him for letting him go. But there was nothing Remus could have done. He could have told them that he assumed that Ted would leave tonight, but he'd probably have gone anyway. It only would have made things worse. The baby was important right now and the less Tonks got upset, the better for their child. She'd be crying for a few days, but hopefully everything would come out fine and Ted would return as soon as Harry had won over Lord Voldemort. Ted had let him leave and everything had turned out fine. Though somehow, Remus had to admit that he felt deep down that this wouldn't end so well.

XxxxxxxxxX

The following morning turned indeed out to be horrible. Andromeda woke to a cold right bedside. She immediately knew what was going on. She had noticed Ted's strange behaviour the day before, but had ignored the dark presentiment. She had wished that he wouldn't do that, that her husband wouldn't leave her. It was senseless, anyway. Sooner or later, Death Eaters would knock on that door. For her daughter, for her son-in-law, for herself. She was a bloodtraitor, after all. Sighing, Andromeda fell back into the pillows. It was no use checking whether she was right now. Desperation would come soon enough as it was. She knew she would read his name the moment she'd look at the list of Mugglebornes wanted for interrogation in the _Daily Prophet. _Trying to hold back the tears, she closed her eyes. She would cry soon enough. It was better she kept her tears for when she really needed them. She wanted desperately to hope, but she sensed that this wouldn't have a happy ending.

Tonks on the other side of the house woke up to a much more pleasurable sight. Her head was resting against Remus' chest and she could feel her bump between them. It had grown slightly bigger since it had first showed two weeks before. Molly had already congratulated her on it on one of the many order meetings they had had those last two weeks. Warm, comfortable and completely happy, she pressed herself against her husband and sighed in contentment.

"Morning, Dora", he whispered into her bubblegum pink hair, placing a soft kiss on the top of her head. Tonsk responded with a giggle.

"Morning, love. I didn't know you were awake. Usually, I'm the one getting up first."

"You've already been up two times." He smiled into her colourful spikes. How he had feared that she'd discover Ted's absence! But on the other hand, she had just been to the toilet, why should she learn about his flight on her way?

She made a sound that should probably imply agreement and was interrupted by a huge yawn. She rose her head to steal a quick kiss, then made herself comfortable on his chest once more.

"Dora, darling, don't you think we should get up some time soon?"

"Why? How late is it?"

"Half past nine."

"Don't have work today. It's Sunday. There's no Potterwatch today, right?"

"No, there isn't."

"Then let's just stay in bed a little longer. It's so rare I have you here."

That was true. When he returned from Potterwatch, she was already knocked out. And they had had many shows since they had gotten over the password problem. No Death Eater knew that Dumbledore's phoenix was called Fawkes and if they did, they most certainly wouldn't mouth that name for the whole content of Gringotts. So they had agreed on the name as latest password after their narrow escape from the Death Eaters two weeks before. It seemed to have worked out, as they still had many listeners. They discovered their handwriting in actions against Voldemort. There had been banners in the ministry, propaganda against the new government printing information only known to the order and the audience of 'Potterwatch'.

Trying not to think about the discovery she'd make later in the morning, Remus answered by showering her neck in soft little kisses. She squirmed in his firm grip, laughing until tears ran down her cheeks. Immediately, Remus regretted his actions. She'd shed enough tears without him. But he hadn't time to think about it, all of a sudden Tonks threw herself at him and he forgot that Ted even existed. Sometimes, Remus was very grateful for those pregnancy hormones.

Some time later, Tonks decided that she had spent enough time in bed. She got up, which took some time as she was still a bit sticky with sweat, as was Remus, so that they were almost glued together. Laughing, she finally freed herself from his embrace and made her way to the shower. Remus followed her, hoping for another go. Bliss was still reigning his brain, no thought of Ted could be found.

This changed instantaneously as they discovered a weeping Andromeda in the kitchen when they finally got out of the shower.


	53. Chapter 53

**Chapter 53**

**Holding on**

"Mum? What happened?"

In an instant, Tonks was at Andromeda's side, pulling her into a tight hug. Andromeda, unable to form words in her current state, just pointed towards the newspaper on the kitchen table. Horror-stricken, Tonks just stared at the copy of the _Daily Prophet. _She didn't have to read it to know what was going on. Ted's name had appeared on the list and he had taken flight. Tears found their way down her cheek. Disbelievingly, she started at the paper, not really seeing it. Instead, her mind was busy reconstructing her last conversation with her father. Of course, that story about an old friend of his had been a lie. Tonks should have known that, after all, her father was about as adept as she was when it came down to lying. She was still buried in grief for her father's unnecessary flight when something else stirred inside of her. Fury. Remus had known! He had known and still he had let him go!

"You!"

Practically livid, she turned at her husband who seemed to have been expecting no less. That expression did nothing to hold down her temper, though.

"You knew! You knew and you let him go! Why? Why?"

Her words became lost in her choking sobs. Instantly, Remus was next to her, holding her, giving Andromeda a compassionate look.

"I'm sorry. But what could I have done to prevent it? He'd have gone some other time."

"You could have told us! Maybe we could have held him back!", Tonks managed to get out in between sobs.

"He wanted to leave to protect you. Nothing you could have said would have made him stay, Dora, love."

"You don't know that! I'm his daughter, after all! He'd never been able to resist me for long. Maybe I could have made him stay!"

She didn't even convince himself.

"Dora, please, don't beat up yourself about this. It's not your fault. Ted just felt he had to protect the both of you. And our child, Dora. They will come looking for him."

"Do you really think it'll change anything if they don't find him here? We're still targets, all of us! How could he believe his leaving would change anything at all?"

"Perhaps it won't change that much, but for now, they're after Ted, not after you."

"That makes me feel so much better!", replied Tonks sarcastically, still crying. Remus tightened his grip on her.

"I know, Dora. That's hard to explain. But I think he just felt he had to do something about it. And have a run for it sometimes feels better than sitting around, waiting for your loved ones to be pulled into that because of you."

"As if we're only into that because of him! We've got more than enough other problems! He must know we never wanted him to leave."

"Of course he did, why do you think he sneaked out in the middle of the night? I don't expect you to understand, but it's too late to do anything about it now. It was his decision."

"A stupid decision! Just as yours when you thought it wise to leave me alone with our baby!"

"Remus is right, Dora."

Remus and Tonks both looked up at Andromeda, surprise etched on their faces. Up until now, Tonks had kept to silently crying to herself, but now she sat up more straight, wiping the tears from her face determinedly.

"What did you say?"

"I said that your husband is right, Dora. It was Ted's decision and we'll have to accept that. Remus made the right decision. Ted let him go back then and Remus returned when he felt it was his time to do so. I'm sure your father will come back when he feels he needs to."

Tonks shook her head disbelievingly.

"You know he most probably won't come back! There are snatchers all over the country and they're ordered to kill anyone they catch on the run! Didn't you notice all the names on 'Potterwatch'? His chances are anything but high!"

Tears still streamed down her face, Tonks doing nothing whatsoever to stop them.

"Now, Dora, your father's not dead yet. He put up with the wrath of the Black family, he'll be fine facing some Death Eaters. His tougher than you give him credit for."

Andromeda did her best to plaster on a fake smile, but they all knew that she just tried to pretend that what they dreaded wouldn't occur. Tonks knew better than to contradict her mother.

"Shall I stay?", she asked, voice still quivering.

"No, no, I think I need some more time alone."

"Don't do anything stupid."

They shared a week smile and with a last hug, Remus and Tonks returned to their bed. Their appetite had gone lost the moment they had heard the sobs echoing through the house. They didn't say a word until they had reached their bedroom. The moment the door closed behind them, Tonks threw herself onto her bed, crying in her pillow. She made a sign to Remus who understood immediately and put a silencing spell on the room. Andromeda didn't have to hear her daughter crying her heart out. Carefully, he sat down on the bed, caressing her back gently while she let it all out. When the sobs subsided to a level where Remus found it appropriate to raise his voice again, he started playing with her hair, her natural black now sporting streaks of mousy brown he recognised only too well.

"Dora, I know you're hurt, but your mother is right. Ted isn't dead. We don't know what'll happen. Maybe everything turns out fine, who knows? It's no use getting yourself so upset."

Slowy, Tonks rose her head from the pillow only high enough to give Remus an incredulous look.

"It's no use getting myself upset?", she cawed. "No use getting myself upset over the fact that my father just throw his life away for a stupid idea? You know he won't come back, we all know. And we also know that this is completely useless. They'll come for us anyway, if not now, then tomorrow. You can't really believe that this is going to turn out fine."

"Dora, believe me, I know what you're feeling. I've lost enough of my friends to war to know what you're feeling like. I know that feeling much better than I care to, actually. But he's not dead now and all we have in times of war is hope, Dora. As far as we know, we can all die any minute now. Maybe our child will never be born, maybe we're killed before it even gets a chance. But how far would we come if we didn't hope that we might be able to make it? Hope is all that kept me alive after the night I lost all of my friends. And I lived to meet you and create a new life with you. Sometimes, good things are meant to be and nothing is strong enough to stand in their way."

He smiled down at her carefully, not knowing how she would take his little speech. To his immense relief, she had stopped crying, though worry still stained her beautiful face.

"I'm so sorry, Remus. That was selfish of me. I didn't think about how you must feel now. But... He's my dad, Remus. I can't just let him go like that. You know, I knew our love was right all along. It felt right. This just doesn't. I just know that I'll never see him again and I'm a bit angry with him that he didn't give me the chance to say goodbye. Even though it's probably my own fault. I should've known something was up with him and as an Auror, I should have known better than to not expect this. I could have told him everything I need to that morning and I didn't grasp that chance."

"Dora, you couldn't know. You know what? I visited James and Lily on the morning of their deaths. I brought something over for Harry. And I didn't say goodbye to them, either. I had a bad feeling about that day, too, but I felt that if I said anything, it wouldn't change what was going to happen and it would only make the danger more real. Our only chance at something reminding of a normal life is to keep the danger out of our minds. I'd never be able to build up a life with you if I wouldn't remind myself to not ponder about how dangerous this is. Or that our child could be like me. Or that Harry might have let me accompany him if it hadn't been for the two of you. Don't be mad at yourself for things you couldn't help. I mean, you wouldn't have felt that much better, even if you could have had your goodbye, would you?"

Smiling up sadly at him, Tonks shook her head.

"I probably wouldn't. You'd have preferred going with Harry over staying here?"

"Of course not."

Their laughter sounded a little shaky, but at least they had gotten it out at all. The tears had died down for now. Tonks knew they would return eventually, but there was time to think about that when it actually got there. For now, she just wanted to be happy with Remus for as long as she could. After all, that had been what her father's flight had been about, keeping them safe for some stolen days. She wondered vaguely when the ministry personnel would turn up to try and question her father, but she decided to rather distract herself with her husband. Desperate to feel something other than grief, she pulled him against her and lost herself in a passionate kiss. Remus, probably guessing what she was thinking, sank down onto the bed, pulling her on top of him and getting rid off her top. Tonks fumbled with his belt for a while and when she finally succeeded, went on for the hem of his jumper. She wanted to feel alive and forget about her problems, all of them. She wanted to forget that there was a war and that her father would become its victim in time. That there might be no future for the tiny life growing inside of her. Resigning to new tears, she pressed her lips hard against Remus', who seemed to know exactly what she needed right then. The rest of their clothes ended up on the floor in a state beyond the possibility of repair and soon Remus was back on top, taking her roughly. It was just what she wanted, something to drown out all the misery, to take her in a colourful world of ecstasy without her having to do much to get there. Holding on to him tightly as her orgasm hit her, blending out everything else beside his skin beneath her fingers and the bump separating them a few inches, she shivered in delight, moaning his name over and over like a mantra that allowed her to leave reality behind for another few precious moments. When it was over, they kept on holding each other, trembling in the aftermath. They were out of breath and blissfully unaware of their surroundings outside the bed they shared. That was, until there was a knock on the front door.

Immediately, Tonks froze under Remus and tried to get up to support her mother, but Remus held her down with his weight, careful not to put pressure on her bump. They both knew it was the ministry personnel coming for Ted. Tonks' eyes asked him to let her go, but Remus just shook his head. His suddenly hard gaze seemed to say that this was something Andromeda had to do on her own. Tonks started to struggle, she didn't want to have to imagine her poor mother, still dissolved in tears, having to confront those murderers on her own. She wanted to get down there and kill them with her own hands, wands and magic forgotten. These reckless bastards had killed her father! Remus just grabbed her wrists, understanding her wordless fight with herself, and placed a hand on her bump. Tonks gave up her resistance. He was right, she couldn't endanger her child, even if she didn't care what would become of her. Still breathing hard, she buried her head in his shoulder, avoiding his eyes, snuggling even closer into him. Remus seemed to understand, he just placed a tentative kiss on her head, stroking her back with his now free hands.

It seemed as though eternity had passed when the door shut again. Tonks and Remus had changed position meanwhile, he had gotten off her, rolled onto his back and pressed her to his chest, covering both of them with the blanket which had fallen off the bed during their attempt to forget about the world outside. Tonks just wished that this state could have lasted a bit longer. She wanted to go down to verify whether it had really been ministry employees and help her mother cope with all of it, but then she feared what she'd may find downstairs. Besides, she doubted she'd be much of a help in her present state. She just wanted to forget, but her mother had no one to cling onto in anguish. That someone was in fact the reason for all her distress. Still shivering, Tonks tightened her grip on Remus' hand. He seemed to understand, once again. Their wordless communication was getting better every day.

"Shall I try to console her? You could stay here."

"No. No, if you go downstairs, I want to come with you. I just don't know if I'll find the right words. You're so much better at this. I'm no good when it comes to comforting others."

"You do a pretty good job with me."

"It's not that hard, as you always console me first."

"Your mere presence comforts me more than anything else ever has. But it's not that you're never doing anything apart from that. It also helps a lot to have you jump at me and scream my name when I desperately need to forget who I am."

Tonks giggled weekly into his chest, then made to dress herself. Casting a quick look at the floor, she laughed quietly.

"Well, we surely made a mess of our clothes. We'll need new ones, then. At least you do, I'm sure I still have more than enough, though I rather liked that jeans..."

"Dora.."

"I know you're sensible about that. Just think along the lines that I shredded your clothes, so I'm the one paying them, right?"

He just rolled his eyes at her, but got out of the bed nonetheless, fishing something else out of their wardrobe. One day, he'd hopefully be able to buy her some new clothes, too. Or at least replace her favourite jeans. For now, he was busy enough thinking of ways to console Andromeda, though he was sure the woman was tough enough to do a good job herself.

When the pair of them came down into the kitchen, Andromeda already busied herself with lunch. They hadn't even noticed how much time had passed while they had been locked up in their bedroom.

"Mum, that knock..."

"Yeah, ministry employees. I told them Ted wasn't there and they said they would return. I told them he just went for Diagon Alley for some shopping and would be back soon."

Tonks and Remus exchanged significant looks. Which Andromeda noticed, of course.

"I just didn't want to have them searching the place while I still... Well, I want to keep my dignity. Would you mind staying with me until they return?"

"Of course not."

So they sat down, sharing their meal in silence, waiting for the men and women responsible for Ted's flight to return.


	54. Chapter 54

**Chapter 54**

**Back to pink**

Twelve o'clock came and went and no one knocked at the door. Still not up to her usual height, Andromeda shakily prepared lunch, though no one really felt like eating anything at all.

Silence filled the kitchen and Tonks couldn't help remembering how her father had used to keep the mood up when no one else felt up to talking. A single tear escaped her and she hastily wiped it away before her mother could see it. Remus noticed it of course and squeezed her hand under the table.

Afternoon passed, as well as evening, and finally night fell. They had had a pathetic attempt at dinner, but not one of them had taken more than a few bites before pushing their plates aside.

From time to time, it seemed like someone would finally break the silence and speak, but it never came down to it. Tonks felt as if she couldn't breathe whenever she made to open her mouth and Andromeda desperately tried to hide the tears that would come instead of words. Remus, fully aware of being the intruder at this table, waited for the two women to make a move.

The clock stroke midnight when Tonks decided to do something about their situation.

"Mum, I don't think they'll come here before breakfast. Don't you think we should all get up to bed and try to sleep a bit?"

Andromeda still gazed into nothingness, obviously not noticing that her daughter was talking to her.

"Mum!"

No reaction. Alarmed, Tonks rose from her chair and strode over to her mother. She carefully placed a hand on her shoulder and shook her warily.

Andromeda seemed to wake from a trance at the physical contact.

"Oh, sorry, Dora, darling. What did you just say?"

Deeply concerned, Tonks repeated her suggestion.

"Yes, yes, you are right. We should get up to bed. They won't come her so early in the morning."

Not looking anywhere, Andromeda practically swept out of the room. Tonks kept staring at the door even after she had disappeared. Slowly, she turned to Remus.

"She's not taking it well, is she?"

Remus shook his head, looking more tired than he had ever since his return.

"I fear she isn't. Give her some time. It'd be a hard blow on everyone. Your mother is strong, she'll cope eventually."

Tonks still didn't look convinced.

"But why doesn't she talk to us? It won't help her to keep those feelings to herself. I want to help her", she whispered, tears threatening once more to spill.

A sad smile on his lips, Remus got up and pulled her into an embrace.

"I know, love. But you'll have to give her some time. She'll come to you when she feels she's up to talking about it."

Tonks nodded into his shoulder and tightened her grip on him. More silent tears ran down her cheeks, but she didn't mind. She had Remus to hold on to for support.

But who was there to support her mother when she wouldn't let her own daughter near her? Tonks had always hated to be helpless, just standing on the sidelines watching. Yet Remus was right, if Andromeda didn't want her help, she wouldn't accept it, anyway.

After a while, Tonks pulled away and they went up to their bedroom. They quickly changed into their night clothes and as soon as Remus had slipped under the covers, his wife was already half on top of him.

"Dora, you do realise that I need to breathe? This bed has got two sides, you don't have to use me as a mattress."

"Who says I'm using you as a mattress? I'm just lying on top of you because of your body heat. The poor bed can't provide me with that."

"Well, let's say there was a witch in this room, who was in possession of a wand, then the bed could be warm. It's called magic, you know? Anything ringing at the sound of heating charms?"

Tonks playfully punched him in the arm and retreated to her side of the bed. Far from defeat, she rested her head on his chest and threw her left leg over both of his.

"So now I'm a pillow?"

"Yeah, that's quite a promotion, don't you think?"

Remus' chuckle caused his chest to vibrate rather pleasantly and Tonks hummed in content. Which in turn transformed Remus' chuckle into an outright laugh.

"What are you laughing at, Mr Lupin?"

"Well, Mrs Lupin, it's just that you're purring like a cat."

Grinning, she bit his shoulder and subsequently licked over the marks her teeth had left. Remus shivered in delight and immediately stopped laughing.

"You did that on purpose, didn't you?", he whispered hoarsely, not quite in control of his breathing.

"Of course I did. I mean, we're in bed, just the two of us, and all you can think of is laughing at me. That situation definitely had to change, don't you agree?"

Remus just nodded and once more Tonks was on top of him, although this time, he did nothing whatsoever to complain. He was just glad that Tonks had progressed from dissolving into tears to teasing him senseless. And his current position wasn't that unpleasant, after all...

XxxxxxxxxX

No ministry employee showed up in the course of the week. Tonks and Remus had faithfully reported everything to the Order of the Phoenix. No one there seemed to take that as a good sign.

"It probably means that they don't believe your mother, Tonks", said Minerva softly. "I fear they went right after him."

Tonks cast a quick glance at Arthur, the only one still working for the ministry. Kingsley had been on the run himself for quite some time now.

Arthur just nodded sadly.

"That's possible, Tonks. These days, the ministry doesn't cling much to laws. They usually would have to search the house first, but lately there have been so many names appearing on those horrible lists that they probably don't have the time to search all the houses."

Tonks' horror grew. So her father didn't even have much of a head start. Desperately, she turned to Remus, but he just shook his head.

"They're right, Dora. They didn't come back all week, they certainly would have done if they thought he's still there. I wish it were different", he added as he saw the tears building in her eyes.

Tonks just nodded, unable to form words. Ted's departure still got to her, but she still coped better than Andromeda. Even after almost a week she refused to talk to her daughter or her son-in-law and rarely came down to eat something.

"Good thing you can cook", Tonks said, watching from her place at the kitchen table as Remus prepared lunch a few days later. "Otherwise, I'd be starving. As you don't allow me anywhere near the stove."

"For a good reason", he coaxed. "I don't want the kitchen burnt to ashes."

Tonks gave a disbelieving snort and turned her back to her husband.

"If you think that's a way to treat your pregnant wife... I've survived three years of Auror training and another two years until I met you and Molly without destroying my flat or starving."

"That's just because you lived together with Giovanni during Auror training. And later on, you either came over here or went to the closest Chinese restaurant."

Tonks was about to articulate a biting retort when suddenly she jumped in her chair, eyes wide in surprise. Remus heard the chair scraping over the floor and turned around to look at his wife. One hand rested on her little bump, the other grabbed the table for balance. She still had a wondering expression on her face.

"Dora? Dora, what's wrong?"

Within a second, he was at her side, trying to get her to look at him.

"What? Oh, nothing's wrong...", she breathed in a dreamy sort of voice. Rubbing circles on her belly, she seemed to snap out of a trance and finally noticed Remus kneeling beside her, still worried.

"Dora, are you sure everything's all right? You looked so far away."

"Yes. Yes, it's just... The healer told me this could happen any time now... I read about it, too, but it's just so..."

"Dora? Dora, what are you talking about?"

"I felt our baby moving, I think. For the first time. Just a little bit. It's like a tiny prickle... I hardly noticed it... It's such a strange sensation, you can't imagine that..."

Her voice returned to its dreamy tone and her gaze was lost in space. The tips of her hair had turned a violent bubblegum pink.

Now it was Remus who grabbed the table for support. His head was spinning. His child had moved! It was alive and moving and becoming a real, living person! His heart pounded so fast he could hardly breathe.

From his early childhood on, Remus had often dreamed about becoming a father. He had always wanted this, despite the fact that he had been bitten and his being a werewolf had made things rather complicated. When Lily had been pregnant, Remus had been around quite often, watching her and James jealously. This way, he had learned a lot about pregnancy.

But nothing, really nothing could have prepared him for experiencing this as a father. Remus and Sirius had often had a good laugh about James' foolish grin when Lily had felt Harry moving for the first time. It had been an important part of their nostalgic reminiscences, being one of the happiest and fondest memories they had of their friends. Lily's look of utter amazement had been just as priceless.

Right now, Remus was glad that no one held a mirror in front of him. He was sure he was grinning just as madly as James had back then, if not worse. The short pang of being reminded that all of his best friends were either dead or traitors drowned almost immediately in the burst of happiness that was surging through him.

"You're... You're sure?"

Tonks seemed to find back to reality when Remus at last regained the ability to speak.

"Yes, I'm sure. The healer said this would be coming soon at my last check and in the books it says around the 18th or 19th week..."

She shook her head, still amazed at this new sensation. All of a sudden, she jumped from her chair and into Remus' arms, her hair a blaze of pink.

"Oh, it's just sinking in! Remus, our baby is moving! It's there and it's more alive than ever!", she squealed, covering his mouth in a fervent kiss.

Though he was just as thrilled as his adorable wife, Remus had more important things on his mind right then. For example that he couldn't breathe because her sudden burst of excitement had gotten them both on the floor with her on top of him. He knew he should be fighting for air, but on the other hand, that kiss was well worth a little lack of oxygen.

To his utmost regret, he was forced to push her off of him in the end, thinking that she'd prefer breaking their kiss for a few seconds over having a dead husband.

As he sat up slowly, still a bit dizzy from the kiss, he turned to take a closer look at his beaming Dora. She seemed brighter than the sun, her grin threatening to split her lovely heart-shaped face in two and her hair glowing in the sun. More than ever she resembled a goddess and Remus thanked his lucky stars that she chose him out of all men.

Smiling he tugged at her violently pink hair.

"Didn't the healer say you shouldn't morph?"

"Well, it's just my hair and I can't exactly control it, anyway. I'm just so insanely happy!"

Once again, she threw herself into his arms. This time, Remus was prepared and caught her without falling over. Burying his head in her bright hair and kissing every available inch of her, he gently pulled her even closer.

Remus was just marvelling at the exquisite shivers Tonks was sending down his spine by quietly chuckling into his ear when a discreet cough caused them to jump apart. Andromeda stood in the doorway, obviously amused at the scene in front of her.

"You two seem to be getting along quite well without me", she laughed, throwing a significant look at the stove. Black smoke was rising from what was left of their lunch.

But before one of them could do anything to clean up the mess, Andromeda already had her wand out and took care of it herself. She pocketed it again and looked questioningly at her daughter's pink hair.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mum! We didn't mean to let it burn! But I just felt the baby move!"

Andromeda's eyes suddenly held the same excited spark as Tonks', almost covering the dark circles beneath her eyes, and the big smile on her face definitely brightened up her greyish complexion.

She sat down gracefully exchanging pregnancy stories with her daughter. Resigning to his fate – he couldn't really join the conversation at that point, after all -, Remus got up and made a new attempt at lunch. It seemed that Andromeda had decided to come out of hiding for good.


	55. Chapter 55

Chapter 55

Hormones

Andromeda now came out of her room more often. Actually, she was out of her room all of the tim, only returning to sleep. When she wasn't cooking them at least three meals a day, she was fretting about her daughter or doing the household chores.

After another week or so, Tonks almost wished that her mother would return to her former state. She couldn't make a step without Andromeda appearing at her side, giving her motherly advice on her pregnancy. She never took her eyes off her daughter, as if she feared she would disappear just as Ted had done.

Remus helped her deal with it, but sometimes she could hardly keep from screaming at Andromeda to finally leave her alone. She wanted time with Remus _without_ her mother around. After all, they were having a baby together. That required some privacy.

It was hard enough between order meetings, Remus sneaking off to do another show of 'Potterwatch,' and her new job at Giovanni's shop. Though, she was quite grateful for that job at the moment, as it was giving her an excuse to escape the house.

When Remus wasn't around, her raging hormones and her mother's infuriating behaviour combined in a most disastrous way. Tonks really tried to restrain herself, but she couldn't bear to be chaperoned all the time and her temper was on the point of boiling over.

XxxxxxxxxX

Three weeks after Ted's departure, the clash couldn't be held off any longer. Remus was once again gone to meet Lee Jordan and Kingsley for another broadcast. It was a stormy Sunday morning, so Tonks was at home.

She had just placed the radio next to her and fiddled with the dials to make sure she wouldn't miss a word of what was being said. Of course, being married to one of the producers, she already knew what they were going to tell the public, but she loved to hear Remus' voice. And it was always good to hear from Kingsley again.

Tonks nestled down into her comfortable armchair, one hand placed on her slightly protruding stomach. Every now and then she could feel a tiny prickle and knew that her baby was alive and moving. Completely relaxed, she closed her eyes and almost dozed off when the radio suddenly sprang into life and Lee Jordan's voice rang through the room.

"Dear listeners, we've got an important announcement to make: This will be our last emission for the next couple of weeks. Our usual hiding places have been spotted and it will take some time to find new ones. Until then, be assured that we keep track of the Chief Death Eater for you and inform you as soon as we can."

Anything else he said got lost in the rushing of blood that filled her ears suddenly. They had been located. Maybe they had even been welcomed by Death Eaters when they had tried to enter one of their safe places. Maybe there had been a fight. Maybe Remus was hurt. Or dead.

In the back of her mind, she knew that she should keep listening to find out what had been going on, but her panic was growing stronger. Holding her breath, she curled up further in her chair, staring out of the window without seeing anything, wild theories spinning in her head. She didn't even notice her mother rising from her own chair and approaching her.

"Dora, darling, I'm sure he is all right. Shall I make you a tea?"

"No, I can do that myself."

Not paying attention to the hurt look on Andromeda's face, she swept from the room and busied herself with the tea kettle. Predictably, Andromeda followed her and came to a halt next to the kitchen table.

"And you really don't want me to do that for you?"

"No, Mum, I don't want you to do that for me," Tonks mumbled in the general direction of her mother, without even looking at her.

"Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"No, Mum. I'm not a child any more. I can handle this on my own, okay? And now please stop getting on my nerves and just go back into the living room."

"Nymphadora, is that a way to talk to your mother?"

"Yes, it is. I'm trying to lead my own life and you don't let me. You know, Remus and I are having this baby together, not you and me. I understand that it's hard for you what with Dad being on the run and everything, but you could give me a bit more space, if you know what I mean."

"Dora, I'm just taking care of you. You can't scold me for trying to be a good mother."

"But right now, you're_ not_ a good mother, Mum. You're suffocating me. I want a bit of freedom. You don't know how happy I am that I have the job at Giovanni's shop to get me out of here."

Tonks heard Andromeda's sobbing, but decided to do nothing whatsoever about it. However bad it felt, this was the right thing to do. If they wanted to keep living together, this had to be sorted out and her mother showering her with unwanted affection and help when she refused to accept any help for herself wasn't the right way to deal with Ted's departure, she was sure of that.

The scraping sound of wood being pulled over the hard floor indicated that Andromeda had sat down. Sighing, Tonks let the kettle be a kettle and turned around to face her. Shaking with hardly suppressed sobs, Andromeda had buried her head into her arms, trying to hide her tears from her daughter.

Carefully, Tonks pulled another chair close to where her mother was sitting and placed a reassuring hand on her shaking shoulder.

"Mum, it's okay to cry. I miss Dad, too. But please, let me help you. Because I can't promise you that I won't throttle you one of these days if you continue to be so overly helpful."

Andromeda lifted her head a bit to look at Tonks ruefully. "I know I have been getting on your nerves lately, but I just felt so useless and I needed something to do to distract me from the fact that the other half of my bed is empty!" she managed to get out in between choking sobs.

"It's okay, Mum. But you know, I need something to distract me too, and that just doesn't work if you do everything for me. And as much as I cherish your advice, it's my child and I would like to do things my way, if you don't mind."

Andromeda just nodded weakly and rested her head on her arms again, looking horribly tired. "It's just that I can't stop worrying. I mean, I don't hear anything from him, which is probably a good sign because that means they probably haven't caught him by now, but still. You never know, maybe he just wasn't important enough to be brought up in the _Prophet_ or something..."

"Oh, Mum, stop worrying. If anything had happened to Dad, the order would know and Remus would have told us if anyone had seen anything at 'Potterwatch'. Kingsley's on the run, too, isn't he? There's no need to fret so much, he'll be fine. You know he's tougher than he looks." Tonks desperately tried to sound convinced of her own words, though she wasn't so sure if what she was saying held any truth at all. Perhaps Andromeda was right and they had caught her father long ago and just didn't mention his death because he was one of many.

In exactly this moment of doubt, they could make out Remus' reassuring voice from where the radio still stood on the table next to Tonks' favourite armchair. They couldn't hear what he was saying, but it was enough to know that he was still alive and as unharmed as she could hope for. Besides, he had told her what he was going to say in this day's broadcast so many times she could almost recite it by heart.

Relieved, a smile crept on her face and when she looked over at Andromeda, she too smiled, despite the tears that were still running down her cheeks.

The rest of the morning was spent in companionable silence until Remus finally came home around lunch. Andromeda was busying herself at the stove. Even though she had agreed to give her daughter a bit more space, there was still no way she would let Tonks anywhere near her kitchen, if she intended to do more than just sit in it.

Remus hadn't even put his cloak off when his wife threw herself into his arms. "You're back and you're safe! I was so worried when I heard Lee mention that you've been located. What happened? Is anyone hurt?"

Remus tenderly pulled away a little so that he could look into Tonks' eyes. He smiled reassuringly at her and her racing heart lost a bit of speed. "Everyone is fine, Dora. No one has been hurt. We haven't been greeted by Death Eaters, we just found our hiding places in ruins. You'd know if you had listened to all of the show."

"Sorry, but I was so worried when he came up with it, I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I have to admit that I didn't really listen to your part, either. I was just so relieved when I heard your voice."

Trying to fight back the tears, she cuddled back into his arms and buried her head in his shoulder. Remus held her tightly, stroking her hair and whispering soothing words into her ear. He knew that it had been pure luck that there had been no one to greet them when they arrived at their destroyed safe places. He could have been dead so easily.

After a while, the silence was broken by Andromeda's cheerful cry of "Lunch is ready!" So Tonks helped her husband out of his cloak and they returned to the kitchen hand in hand.

XxxxxxxxxX

All in all, the situation in the Tonks' home became more relaxed. Andromeda was trying to busy herself otherwise by learning to knit or reading poetry. Whenever Remus was gone, Tonks would also grab a book, and every now and then they would hear a few words about Harry or the general situation out there.

Giovanni's shop was placed in Muggle London, so that he could sell to both Muggles and the wizarding world. Thus, Tonks could observe the effects of the war from both perspectives. The Muggles seemed a bit confused, but mostly stressed out. The wizards and witches were full of fear and looked twice around every corner before they made a step, hands grasping their wands all the while.

The dementors didn't make things better. All of London – and most of the rest of the country and probably the whole kingdom – was covered in the horrible mist that meant they were breeding. Despair was all around the people, wherever they went. It crept through closed doors and windows and there was no way to escape it.

Some days, Tonks really had to resist the temptation to cast a Patronus and make them all feel better. She highly doubted that it was good for her baby to grow in such a depressing atmosphere. And the atmosphere wasn't just affecting the psyche, it was also affecting Giovanni's business. He was selling much less than he usually did, seeing that depressed and war-hunted people normally didn't buy as much as happy, safe people did. Most of the time, the shop was completely empty and once or twice Tonks even caught him thinking about closing it down until things would be better again.

On especially boring days, Tonks would creep up into Giovanni's office and send a Patronus to Remus to learn what he was doing. Owls would probably have done the job, too, as they weren't really exchanging any meaningful or dangerous messages, but a Patronus was much faster and a conversation via owl could take long enough to become boring gain. Therefore, she also communicated with the rest of the order this way. Arthur was especially interested in the going-ons in the Muggle world, which was not really a shock to anyone. Somewhat surprisingly Minerva, too, wanted to know about the general mood in the Muggle population.

One of these days, Tonks came back home looking extraordinarily pale and exhausted. She felt slightly sick as well. As soon as Remus laid eyes on her, he pulled her to the next couch and told her to lie down.

"Remus, I'm fine. Stop fretting so much, you're worse than Mum. It's just the dementors, this terrible mist gets to me."

Upon hearing the word dementors, Remus disappeared and reappeared with a bar of chocolate so fast Tonks almost thought he had learned to apparate noiselessly. He sat down on the couch, too, placing her feet in his lap and rubbing them gently.

"Ah, thank you, Remus, but I'm fine, really. No need to worry."

"Dora, I don't know if it's a good idea if you continue to work for Giovanni. I mean, you're hardly safe there. It's a Muggle area, after all."

"Giovanni placed more than enough protection spells on the place. That's the only reason I have to wander through that mist, because I can't apparate around the shop."

"I don't want you to hang out in the city too much either. I mean, it's bad enough around here but you can't make a step in London without stumbling across a dementor. They get to you."

"Really, Remus, you're overreacting. I'm perfectly capable of fighting off a few dementors every now and then. Remember, I'm an Auror. I've learned to deal with them."

"But you weren't pregnant then. Please, Dora, do me a favour and stay at home. It's not like Giovanni really needs you right now. Robert told me that he's even thinking about closing the shop down."

"Tattletale. I've got to have a word with him one of these days. Still, I won't stay in here doing nothing. I would die with boredom!"

Remus looked as if he was about to say something, but dropped it upon second thought. Arguing with Tonks at that point was useless. He could understand her side, he knew what it was like to feel useless. Tonks and Sirius had been very much alike in some points and going mad over being trapped in a house and unable to get into the middle of action was certainly one of them.

But, after all, Sirius hadn't been pregnant. Especially not with _his_ child. He couldn't let Tonks wander about out there as long as there were dementors everywhere. And he had a perfect excuse as to why, an excuse that would even allow him to cause her to feel remorse.

"I know you don't like feeling trapped, but you're carrying our child and you don't want to risk its health, do you?"

"Of course I don't want to risk its health! And I'm not. Those few seconds I spend in the stupid dementor mist are nothing."

"Dora, you're cold as ice. You're shivering madly. And you look sickly. It _is_ affecting you. And consequently, it's affecting our child as well."

"But what am I going to do hanging around the house all day? You can go out and help the others find a new location for 'Potterwatch'. I'll be completely useless if I stay in the house. Not that I have been of much use these last weeks, anyway."

"Dora, you're not useless. But you have to set priorities and I think our baby should be first on the list. Don't you agree?"

"Okay, yes, you're right. Really bad timing to get pregnant. I mean, I could still do missions for the order. Probably not work for the ministry any more, but at least I would have something to do. Say what you want, I _am_ useless."

"So you think this is useless and not worth the sacrifice?" he asked, not breaking eye contact. He placed his hand on her little bump. As if it had understood what was being said, the baby moved and Tonks felt the familiar prickle rush through her. Smiling warmly, she placed her small hand on top of Remus' strong one.

"Of course it's worth it. Okay, I'll write to Giovanni and stay here. But you have to deal with my complaints!"

"There's nothing I'd rather do!" he replied, grinning from ear to ear.

When his gaze wandered down to their intertwined hands on her stomach, it was attracted by something else. "Dora, could it be possible that your breasts are a bit, well, bigger?"

She looked down at herself and gasped. Sitting up quickly, she took another look down her sweater and raised one hand up to check. Looking back up at Remus – whose eyes were still transfixed on her breasts – she frowned. "It seems so. That would explain why my bras don't seem to fit any more... It's about the time they should start getting bigger, after all. How is it possible I didn't notice?"

"The more important question would be how_ I _managed to miss that development," Remus stated, still staring at her.

"Well, one way to interpret that would be that you're so content with my perfectly formed body that you didn't notice this little change in the middle of all this perfection." She winked at him and lay back invitingly.

Remus couldn't resist another second. He was very well aware that Andromeda was only in the next room, cooking something for dinner. She could come over into the living room any time. Still, he let his hands slip beneath her sweater. He needed to check that himself. Tonks chuckled to herself and had a great time watching him carefully approaching her breasts with his hands, a curious expression on his face. Finally, they reached their destination and he finally cupped them, bra still on.

Tonks just had the time to notice the mischievous twinkle in his eyes before he pulled her into a fervent kiss. He only pulled away shortly to whisper into her ear,"You know, I can't really check with that annoying bra still on. Didn't you say that it didn't really fit, anyway?"

Before she could give any answer whatsoever, he pulled her back into the passionate kiss and unfastened the clasp of her bra, his hand returning to her breasts, this time uncovered. Tonks practically jumped from the couch as he touched her. She felt highly sensitive and when she saw the pleased gleam in his eyes, her pregnancy hormones ran wild and she jumped on him instead.

Andromeda chose exactly this moment to announce that dinner was ready. Tonks pulled away from Remus only long enough to tell her that they would come down a bit later, then jumped to her feet and pulled him with her, dragging him up towards their bedroom.

Though the atmosphere was a bit embarrassing – especially at dinner that night – Remus nearly laughed his head off as she pulled him with her and he could hardly deny that he had had the time of his life. Anyway, it was well worth a late dinner.


	56. Chapter 56

So, finally another chapter! Thanks to my awesome beta WendigoGirl :) Read and enjoy ;)

Chapter 56

Even

The next three weeks, Tonks was in heaven, or as close as a hormonal, pregnant woman could get to it. Even though she'd had to give up her job at Giovanni's – which he didn't mind all that much, in fact, he even used that as a chance to close the shop down for a while until things would get a bit better – she made herself quite at home with her mother. Andromeda had almost completely stopped with her overprotective demeanour and instead now used her time to exchange funny pregnancy stories with Tonks when Remus wasn't around to distract her.

Remus was around a lot more often than beforehand, though. For one, the meetings for _Potterwatch _had become much less frequent now that they had nearly been caught by Death Eaters. And then there was Tonks' progressing pregnancy and Remus was probably even more excited than his wife.

During those three weeks, the baby had begun to react to certain things in its surroundings, like the voices of its parents or its grandmother. Even when Molly came over from time to time and cooed over Tonks' by now rather protruding belly, there would be that slight prickle that told Tonks her baby was moving.

And obviously, their child had taken quite a liking to Remus' voice. Whenever he talked to Tonks, she could feel the little thing moving inside of her as frantically as it possibly could in its rather early stage of development. Sometimes she wondered whether it wanted to be held by the owner of the voice, like a newborn would wriggle until you picked it up. The thought made her smile, and when she explained it to her husband, his smile became so broad she feared it would rip his face apart.

Although their child wasn't even born, those little things made Remus the proudest father in the whole of Britain, it seemed. Tonks had always thought his smile cute and insisted that he should use it more often, and she gotten what she wanted: Remus hardly ever stopped smiling nowadays. The only occasions on which his face wore anything but a grin were those times he had to report about the deaths of those on the run.

Despite the still worrying state of the wizarding world – and the Muggle world at that, even though they didn't know what was behind it – Remus' whole attitude had lightened up. He was more optimistic about everything. When he told someone that he just_ knew_ that Harry was out there somewhere plotting how to bring down Voldemort, it no longer sounded like he wanted to convince himself as much as his interlocutor, but more like he actually believed it with all of his heart.

In fact, his newly found positive side shone so brightly he easily became the glowing centre of order meetings. Everyone else was so hopeless with the little progress they made in holding off Death Eaters from attacking Muggles, or in fighting Voldemort in general. They all looked to Remus and his positively radiant wife, even though Tonks wasn't that present any more during order meetings – everyone thought she should stay home and safe as much as possible – and drew hope from the fact that there always was light among the shadows, or better said, an innocent life created where others were taken.

Another factor did a lot to lift the atmosphere, as well: despite it still being only mid-November, everyone felt Christmas approaching. The first few daring Muggles had put up fairy lights in their windows and wherever you went, it smelt like gingerbread. Finally, as the order member started to shiver horribly during meetings, Molly decided to begin every one of them with a nice warm cup of tea or hot chocolate – each to their preference – and hold them in the living room in front of the fireplace, rather than in the cold kitchen.

On one of those cold November days, Remus returned from the latest broadcast of _Potterwatch_ to find his wife and mother-in-law in the kitchen, mixing biscuit dough. An incredulous expression plastered across his face, Remus stood frozen in the doorway and just stared, melting snowdrops trailing down his cheeks like tears. He'd never have thought, not in a billion years, that Andromeda Tonks would deliberately let her daughter do anything even remotely related to cooking in her kitchen, especially not in her presence.

"Remus, would you mind hanging up your cloak? You're dripping on the floor."

Still incredulous, Remus turned around to do as he was told. A minute later, his soaking wet clothing was removed, a drying spell performed and Remus was back to standing in the kitchen doorway and stare at Tonks and Andromeda working together in harmony in the kitchen.

"I don't want to sound rude, but since when do you let Dora actually _cooking_ something in here?"

Andromeda just chuckled, but he was pierced by a death glare from his wife. "Actually, Remus, I am very well able to make biscuits without burning the kitchen to ashes, thank you very much. It's nice to know how much faith you really have in me."

Remus immediately felt guilty at the first class pout she was sending his way. He had to admit that whatever she was working on still looked quite edible. And he had always loved biscuit dough since he had been a little child. "Sorry, Dora, you know I didn't mean it that way. How about I'll prove my faith in your cooking abilities by trying some of that dough?"

Tonks just smirked, knowing full well how addicted Remus was to everything containing enough sugar to be labelled unhealthy, but stepped aside nonetheless to let him have his way. Remus practically threw himself at the bowl, eagerly grabbing for a spoon and sinking it into the dough.

The consistence seemed to be all right, seeing that neither did the spoon break, nor did the dough run off it as if liquid. Thoughtfully, Remus licked the dough from the spoon, much as an oenophile would take a light sip from the wine presented. He moved it around in his mouth before finally coming to the conclusion that it was indeed rather tasty. Offering his wife a satisfied grin, he made to sink the spoon in a second time when Tonks stopped him by slapping his hand.

"No, Remus Lupin. I know you and your addiction for sugar. If I let you have another spoon, the bowl will be empty in a matter of minutes, you will have a horrible stomach ache and there will be no biscuits. Behave yourself or I'll have to throw you out of the kitchen."

Remus tried his best puppy eyes – believe it or not, they actually work for werewolves, except for maybe Greyback – but Tonks remained steely. With a resigned sigh, Remus sat down at the kitchen table and looked over at the bowl with the dough longingly. Andromeda snickered at the sight and gave her daughter the thumbs-up behind her son-in-laws back. Tonks really seemed to grow into her role as a mother.

Tonks, on the other hand, was responding to Remus' wistful glances at the bowl with a death glare. Rolling her eyes, she mumbled "He looks like that at a bowl of dough rather than at his own wife; it's a miracle he didn't marry the wedding cake instead of me".

Remus, of course, heard what she had said and moved his eyes from the bowl to her, an equal longing burning in them. Andromeda tried to suppress her laughter, shaking madly from head to toe, and Tonks, very unlike herself, blushed a furious shade of red and threw the spoon she was holding at her husband, not really meaning it and thus rather hitting the wall then him. Remus' grin just widened.

"You know I'd never have married the wedding cake. We wouldn't have lasted a week."

Tonks growled at the back of her throat and returned to the dough she was now working on with vigour, doing her best to ignore the annoying werewolf she had married for the rest of the afternoon.

Though it has to be said that her resolve crumbled in the evening, when the three of them sat down in front of the fireplace and listened to some programme on the Wizarding Wireless Network. It was hard to ignore someone you were cuddled up comfortably against them.

XxxxxxxxxX

Another two weeks later, the atmosphere had changed drastically. Remus still was the happiest man on earth, but Tonks felt much less relaxed. The growing weight of the child inside of her made her back ache most of the time. She could barely remember what her feet looked like before they were all swollen and she couldn't get up all the stairs to their bedroom without panting madly.

Actually, feeling her baby move inside of her and knowing that the day she'd finally be able to hold it in her arms was approaching slowly made up for all the inconveniences. But they made her irritable and moody every now and then. She tried not to lash out at her mother or her husband, but as she was hardly ever seeing anyone else these days, she inevitably did. And no matter how many times they told her it was just hormones and she shouldn't worry about it, she still felt guilty whenever she had a go at them.

Even Christmas practically waiting on her doorstep didn't do much to lift her mood. She watched listlessly as Remus and Andromeda made incredible efforts to decorate the whole house. Only Giovanni and Robert were allowed to talk to her when she was like that. Giovanni because there wasn't a side of Tonks he didn't know anyway and Robert because he was a healer and she was more inclined to believe him when he told her that those mood swings weren't unusual. Besides, Robert's tips as to what could help with her constant back ache and her swollen feet actually worked, in contrast to those of her mother.

Still, Tonks would feel guilty at the end of almost every day. Not only because she now needed help with things she'd never needed any help with before, or was limited in her movements and activities. But also because Remus read her every wish from her eyes, not caring if she had just screamed at him for blocking the bathroom longer than two minutes or cried over something really stupid like the colour chart for the room they wanted to repaint for their baby.

On the first of December, Tonks lay awake in their bed and thought about all the stupid things she'd said in the course of the day. Partially, she'd been really, really mean and every other man probably would have given up and left her to herself. But Remus had just rubbed her back soothingly and placed a loving kiss on her hair. It made her cry to even think about it. Therefore, when Remus entered their bedroom – Tonks had gone to bed early, as she'd felt tired, and Remus had stayed downstairs with Andromeda to help her with the dishes and everything – he found his wife silently sobbing to herself in the darkness.

"Dora, what is it?" He hurried over to the bed, sinking down on it next to her, in the process flicking on the lights. Tonks averted her gaze, trying to look the other way so that he wouldn't see her tears, even though she knew he already had.

"Dora? Dora, please tell me what's wrong."

"Stop being so nice to me!" she yelled, fury getting the better of her for a split second, only to be replaced immediately by even more guilt. The tears came faster now, almost drowning her words.

"H-How can y-you s-still want to be a-around me? I'm a mo-monster. I a-always yell at you for n-nothing at all and y-you're never even a-angry with me."

"Oh Dora, don't be ridiculous. Of course I'm not angry with you. This is only natural. Your hormones are running wild, your back aches all of the time, and you're so much more limited than you've ever been before. You can't even go out to see your friends and a war is going on all around us and you can't even help. And it's freezing cold outside. Everyone would snap at the people surrounding them in your position."

"R-really?"

"Dora, love, you'd think I know, wouldn't you? After all, being a werewolf isn't exactly comfortable all of the time. I can't even count how many times I snapped at my parents or my friends because I was aching all over and in a bad mood due to the coming full moon. And it got even worse when we entered the Order and I had to fear for their lives all the time. And I most certainly didn't appreciate the fact that I needed someone to come over and look after me after a full moon, or the fact that I wasn't of any use for at least one or two days. Don't think I can't imagine what it's like. In case you've forgotten, I snapped at you, too."

That was true. Sometimes after a full moon, Remus could get very moody and when you tried to help him you'd better duck from the next object he'd throw at you.

"And you never feel guilty about that?" Tonks whispered, the sobs subsiding slowly.

"Of course I do. Especially when I'm having a go at people who mean a lot to me and only wanted to help. But I know that I felt even worse when people left me to myself after such a little clash. That's why I'd never leave you alone no matter what you say to me in the heat of the moment. I know you don't mean it and you'd feel even worse if I turned away and left you to ponder over your behaviour."

Instead of answering, Tonks pulled Remus down to her and pressed a soft, loving kiss to his mouth. She smiled against his lips. "Sorry. For this morning and all the other times I have snapped at you, and for all the times that are yet to come. I love you."

"I love you, too, Dora. And besides, you've never left me alone when I was like that, either, so we're even."

Tonks chuckled in response and pulled him even closer. At that point, Remus decided that it would be better to close the door (and put up a silencing spell) before he was too busy to think about it. He had a feeling that soon enough, they'd be in a situation they wouldn't want Andromeda to witness accidentally.


	57. Chapter 57

Chapter 57

**Approaching Christmas**

Christmas was fast approaching and even though people weren't exactly becoming careless, the general public's mood was lifting. Even the members of the Order of the Phoenix had smiles on their faces, and Molly had already put up an enormous tree. People were out on the streets again, laughing and singing carols and purchasing gifts for their loved ones.

It was a gloomy Wednesday morning when Tonks flicked her wand to pull up a chair next to the Christmas tree. She might have been limited in her movements, but she could still use magic. And she would definitely use magic to decorate the tree the same way Molly had decorated hers.

The previous day, Tonks had been over at the Burrow for the first time in weeks and the sight of all that light and glory had really cheered her up. Making a box full of tinsel appear on her lap with another flick of her wand, Tonks rummaged through it happily. If anyone had been listening, they'd have heard a series of wizard carols being hummed more or less in tune.

But as it was, Remus was out to meet with Lee and the twins, and probably Kingsley, and Andromeda was still upstairs. Tonks didn't think anything of it; her mother had never been that much of a morning person if you'd give her the chance to sleep in. Tonks usually didn't get up too early herself, but the child seemed to have a different idea of an appropriate time to rise.

Pondering whether baking chocolate biscuits on her own would be worth the risk of potentially burning down the kitchen, she heard a strange noise from upstairs. Auror training kicking in, she tightened her grip on her wand and slowly rose from the chair. The box with the tinsel was forgotten at her feet, and she carefully approached the staircase. There was no one there, neither in the kitchen, nor in the hallway.

The noise returned, louder this time. Tonks frowned in suspicion. This was definitely coming from upstairs. And she was fairly certain that there were no intruders in the house. Their spells would have alerted them the minute anyone tried to break them somehow. So that left one option: Seeing that Remus wasn't home, the noises had to come from her mother. As she thought about it, they sounded an awful lot like sobbing.

Tonks really didn't want to be selfish, but as she imagined her mother crying herself back to sleep all alone in that huge empty bed, she felt she couldn't take the sight. Barely a minute ago, she had been content, now she felt the tears cascading down her cheeks.

She'd always been an independent kind of person. She didn't like to be fretted over too much. But still, her Mum had always been her Mum and the one person she would let get away with crying to every once in a while. Andromeda had been strong and at her side whenever Tonks really needed her.

The mere idea of her mother sobbing into her pillow all alone, probably missing her dad horribly, made her knees go weak. How could she console her own mother? Wasn't it supposed to be the other way round? Wasn't Andromeda supposed to be strong at all time, for her daughter, for the rest of the world?

But this wasn't normal. This was war and people disappeared left and right. People who never returned to their families, dying on the run without a chance to bid farewell. And most likely, her own father was one of those people.

As silently as she could muster, Tonks sank down on the stairs. She was crying openly now, presumably even drowning out her mother's sobbing. She tried to imagine that Remus was gone and had to grab the handrail for support. How did Andromeda make it through the day? Assuming that her mother was weak had never seemed more ridiculous. Tonks knew that in her position, she wouldn't have lasted that long.

Her mother needed support. She needed her daughter to support her. And still, Tonks couldn't gather the strength to climb up those stairs and enter that room and do just that. She had a baby to be strong for. She had a husband with about no self-esteem at all to be strong for. She had a frightened community in the middle of a war to be strong for. How could she be strong for the one person that was supposed to do the very same thing for her?

Tonks was so lost in her desperate sobs she didn't hear the footsteps approach until someone was standing right next to her. With tears smearing her vision, she looked up to find her mother looking down at her, eyes just as red and puffy as her daughter's.

"Dora? What are you doing here? Is there something wrong?"

Tonks didn't know what to do. Should she tell her the truth? She didn't want to seem so pathetic in front of her mother, but on the other hand, how would hiding from the truth help any of them?

"I heard your sobs and I just didn't know what to do. I know it's hard for you with Dad gone and everyone being so cheerful, and I know that I should be consoling you. But I just don't know how I can. You're my Mum. You've always been strong for me. How can I be strong for you?"

Fresh tears were running down Andromeda's cheeks as she locked eyes with Tonks, a gentle smile tugging at her lips. "You don't have to do anything, Dora, darling. You just have to be there. Just be you and go about, hum carols, speak to your unborn child and make everyone laugh. Just sit on the couch with Remus, looking like you've never heard of something like war. I don't need you to do anything else. It's seeing you so happy that gets me through the day. Making you cry, too, doesn't help at all. It makes it so much worse."

Andromeda leaned down and the two women hugged each other tightly. After a few minutes of crying together, there were finally no more tears to shed. An awkward silence settled between them. Surprisingly, it was Andromeda who broke it. "Maybe we should freshen up a bit. If Remus sees us like this, he'll probably think someone has died."

Tonks smiled weakly at her mother and gladly accepted the hand she offered. After all, it was getting a bit difficult to stand up on her own. She really shouldn't sit on stairs any more, at least not until the child was born.

Not even half an hour later, Tonks once more sat in the comfortable chair in front of the Christmas tree. Rummaging through the tinsel box, she tried to remember a carol she hadn't already hummed twice that day.

It was a little difficult to get back to her cheerful mood. Although the fact that Andromeda had agreed to make the chocolate biscuits Tonks craved for did help a lot. She just hoped her mother would be able to find anything containing chocolate in the house, seeing that Remus knew all of their hide-outs. Really, the man was such an addict.

"Dora, do you want to lick out the bowl?"

Well, obviously there had been something left. Tonks got up from her chair as quickly as her protruding belly would allow and made her way to the kitchen. Just as she was about to grab for the spoon her mother held out to her, Remus appeared in the doorway.

"This doesn't happen to be chocolate biscuit dough, does it?" His eyes were fixed on the spoon and shining brightly with the grin that almost split his face in two.

"Why, hello Remus. Do we skip greetings now?"

Andromeda laughed at her son-in-law's guilty look. He could be as much of a polite gentleman as he wanted to be any other time, as soon as there was chocolate around, he was a lost cause.

Tonks knew that, too. And she wasn't going to let him lay hands on her biscuit dough. She'd be happy that he was back home safe and sound later, now wasn't the time to cave in just because he looked cute with all those snowflakes melting in his hair.

"Don't even think about it. This is my biscuit dough. And if you don't want to have a very angry pregnant wife, you better stay away from it."

Remus just looked the tiniest bit scared when he backed out of the kitchen to hang up his cloak. Andromeda chuckled at her daughter's behaviour.

"Really darling. He just got home. You could be a bit more welcoming."

"Oh, I'll be once I've made sure he's not stealing my biscuit dough. You know that he's not beyond that. Remus would do anything for his sugar needs. Especially when there's chocolate involved."

It might sound dramatic, but Andromeda couldn't help but agree. Though, Tonks could get scary herself when she didn't get anything sugary for more than a day, even more so since she had become pregnant. That poor child of theirs would probably have a serious dental problem.

Not paying attention to her surroundings any more, Tonks dug happily into her biscuit dough. Seriously, her mother could have become a confectioner. She'd earn an incredible amount of money.

A few seconds later, Remus returned to the kitchen and gave the bowl in Tonks' hands a longing glance. Sighing heavily, he sat down at the table next to his wife, who ignored him completely. As long as he was looking at her dough like that, she wouldn't even deem him worthy to talk to her.

Recognising a lost cause when it practically danced on his nose, Remus turned to Andromeda, who had sat down as well in the meantime.

"So, do you have any idea what you want for Christmas?"

"I'm surprised, Remus. I took you for the sort of person who would have already made up their mind as to what they're giving to whom by the end of September."

"Actually, I do have an idea, but I just wanted to make sure I don't get you anything you don't really want."

For a second, Andromeda was considering if she should tell him that she really didn't care what she got for Christmas, as long as he wasn't planning on bringing her husband back for the occasion. Considering that no one knew where Ted was – or even if he was still alive – it was rather unlikely that this was the case.

Knowing that mentioning the absence of her father would only lead to another crying fit from Dora, and a downright guilty look from Remus, Andromeda abandoned the idea. Instead, she went for a seemingly happy response.

"Oh, I don't know. I think I could use another bowl, this one will soon enough be quite worn out with all the biscuits I have to make for the three of you."

This stirred a laugh from both Tonks and her husband. "No, really, Mum. We can't give you a bowl for Christmas. Do you know how cliché that is? Though, I wouldn't put it past Molly to be excited over getting a bowl for Christmas. But that kind of present would probably look really boring next to whatever Fred and George will get her."

Even Andromeda couldn't resist the urge to smile at the image. They spend another merry hour pondering what the twins would see as an appropriate Christmas gift for their mother. Whatever it was would presumably glitter – and explode at some point.

In the evening, they all made themselves comfortable in the chair and couch next to the fireplace. Staring into the crackling fire, they listened to the Wizarding Wireless Network playing random carols – fortunately nothing by Celestina Warbeck, though Andromeda did have a soft spot for her, too.

Absent-mindedly, Andromeda played with the wool of the sweater she was knitting. Remus and Tonks were cuddled up to each other. The werewolf's hand gently massaged his wife's by now quite huge belly, attentively listening to the song that was played. Knowing his over-analyzing mind, he probably tried to find the deeper meaning of it. Good luck with that. It was a carol, after all. And not even a good one.

Tonks, on the other hand – being her husband's opposite most of the time – was enjoying herself immensely, obviously not paying attention to what was sung. She happily sipped at her tea – chocolate flavour, courtesy of Remus – staring off into space with a radiant smile on her face. Every now and then, she'd place a hand on top of Remus's. They'd share a loving look and return to whatever it was they were doing.

Though Andromeda couldn't help feeling jealous (after all, this was her first Christmas without Ted since... well, longer than she cared to figure out), she was happy for her daughter. Seeing Tonks so at ease, despite the war, just did that to her.

And – even though she'd never admit it out loud – in spite of the fact that she had always doubted Tonks' abilities as a mother a bit, she was quite confident now that she had a man like Remus at her side. He was the calm and collected person her hyperactive child needed for balance.

Andromeda just smiled serenely at the picture in front of her before turning back to her wool. If she wanted this sweater to be ready for Christmas, she'd better hurry up. Even though it wasn't like she had all the time in the world in all those sleepless nights.

Tonks' eyes shortly flickered to her mother, worry evident in them. Andromeda hurried to plaster another smile on her face. It reassured Tonks enough to return to her previous staring off into space, so it couldn't have looked that forced. After all, it had only been seconds before that she had smiled a real smile.

In a few days, more of these would follow, that much was for sure. Tonks had always loved Christmas and had never outgrown the habit to be as excited as a little child around the holidays. Her joy was contagious and Andromeda looked forwards to it. There was no way she – or anyone, for that matter – could be depressed with an overly-excited Tonks around her.


	58. Chapter 58

I finally got round to continue writing Both Sides :) And I'm more than determined to bring this story to an end before I have to return to university. So be prepared for a lot more frequent updates, if you're still reading this after all that time I (shamefully) didn't write anything. I was really stressed out with my first few months out in the big wide world and exams and all that. I basically spent Christmas buried in a copy of 'English linguistics'.

So, here's for a bit of late Christmas cheer :) Have fun and thank my dear beta WendigoGirl for putting up with my sudden burst of productivity :)

**Chapter 58**

**Cheer**

Andromeda's prediction had turned out to be right: as soon as Christmas actually arrived, nothing could stop Tonks from beaming non-stop. Not even the fact that her father was gone or that her husband had to do Order duty half of the day and would probably be completely exhausted by the time he finally showed up on Christmas Eve. Or that the reason her husband was gone most of the day was a raging war between Voldemort, his Death Eaters and the rest of the wizarding world.

When it came to the Christmas spirit, no one could keep up with Nymphadora Lupin. Cookies were placed strategically all throughout the house, which practically burst with decoration of all sorts the morning of the 24th. She actually had scheduled the time she and her husband would leave for bed so that she'd have a reason to be up extra early on Christmas Day itself. From the way things looked, Andromeda would be woken by Tonks jumping in her bed in excitement, begging to finally be allowed to open her presents, just like the way things had been before Tonks moved out and decided to bug Giovanni instead.

That was just another part that hadn't changed: while Christmas Day would be reserved to her family, Tonks had insisted that Giovanni and Robert, along with Molly, Arthur, Kingsley and a few other selected members of the order, came over for Christmas Eve. And since she felt the house would be a bit empty with only her and Andromeda there for the better part of the day, Giovanni would have to put up with her tacky decorations from early morning onwards.

With the holidays planned out like that, there wasn't even time to mourn the fact that Ted wouldn't be with them that year – which probably had been the goal of all that scheming in the first place. Ever since Tonks had discovered how much her father's disappearance actually affected her mother, she did her best to distract her from his absence. If that meant she could spread a bit more Christmas cheer at the same time, then she would gladly grasp the opportunity.

Thus the 24th of December was essentially spent with a certain former Ravenclaw complaining about the hideous colours of the horribly tacky decorations. Tonks just sipped her tea with an amused expression on her face, not in the least inclined to let her best friend's constant whining ruin her good mood. At this point, Remus had been out of the house since who knew how long. Even though Tonks had set her alarm clock to six thirty in the morning, his side of the bed had already been cold when she awoke.

Robert and Andromeda didn't take Giovanni's antics with as much patience. Tonks swore Robert was unable to look straight by now with how many times he had rolled his eyes within the last quarter of an hour and all the snorting he was doing couldn't be healthy either. How these two maintained a relationship if the healer couldn't even bear Giovanni's little rant about badly chosen decorations (and it was one of his friendlier speeches about tastelessness, she'd heard much worse in all those years she had spent at his side as his best friend – especially directed at her) would forever be beyond her.

Andromeda, on the other hand, didn't seem to be aware of what her daughter's friend actually said, but instead used his never-ending monologue as an excuse to get lost in her own thoughts while staring out of the window. She nodded every now and then or made a non-committal noise as to not draw Tonks' attention on her, but otherwise her mind certainly wasn't on the violation her house had been submitted to.

Of course everyone else in the room noticed her unusually quiet attitude – except for Giovanni, who was way too busy with his criticism of the house's interior design. Robert and Tonks shared a worried look across the table from time to time, but there was really not much they could do. Especially not without alerting the still oblivious Giovanni to the fact that they weren't really paying attention to his lecture on how Christmas decorations should never be neon-pink. And neither of them had any intention to be faced with his wrath some time in the near future.

And so, ignoring the few attempts of both Tonks and his boyfriend to direct the conversation to something even remotely resembling small talk, Giovanni continued his rant, leaving the others without much to do but pretend to listen until, finally, Molly and Arthur showed up on their doorstep. The pair looked so exhausted Tonks immediately directed them to the couch in the living-room, leaving Robert in charge of her apathetic mother and his obviously insulted best friend.

"Molly? Arthur? You don't look too well. Is something the matter? You don't have bad news, do you?" she asked as they sat down.

At the panicked look on the young woman's face, Arthur hurried to reassure her. "Don't worry, Tonks. It's nothing out of the ordinary. It's just with most of our children not here for Christmas and Ron, Harry and Hermione going off to who knows where... We didn't get too much sleep those last few weeks, is all."

Tonks offered them a sympathetic smile and asked them if they wanted anything to drink. Molly was in favour of a nice pot of tea and the younger witch quickly disappeared into the kitchen to let her mother know. After all, Andromeda didn't seem so out of it that she'd let her only daughter do anything on her own in her kitchen; moreover it would give her something to do and might wake her from her trance.

Obviously, making tea could be done rather automatically, as evidenced by the fact that Andromeda didn't really become much more active than before after setting down the tray and fleetingly greeting Molly and Arthur. When Robert and Giovanni finally joined them in the living room they seemed to not be talking to each other for the time being, therefore more or less leaving all the talking to Tonks.

Sighing, Tonks questioned her oh-so-genius plan that up until now had sounded rather foolproof. Why did she insist on having her mother's house full of people who couldn't really feel any of the Christmas cheer because either their families had been ripped apart by war or the decorations had offended them? Tonks had known how difficult it would be to keep up her usual bright attitude what with their current situation, but she hadn't counted on ending up feeling depressed so soon.

However, Nympahora Lupin wasn't one to give up easily, she wouldn't go down without a fight. She flicked her wand in the general direction of the radio, hoping with all her might – and for once, the WWN didn't disappoint her: the moment she switched it on, Celestina Warbeck's voice filled the room. Arthur and Giovanni shot her tortured looks, but Molly and Andromeda were in their element.

The next few hours were hard for most occupants of the room. Whereas Robert didn't seem to mind the violation of his ears all that much and occasionally even joined the two older women in their never-ending squealing about the miracle that was Celestina, Giovanni glared at the device of evil, looking even more offended than when he first laid eyes on Tonks' idea of appropriate Christmas decorations.

Another burst of squeals and endless praise of the singing witch, accompanied by Arthur's tries not to grimace at the screeching high notes, had the designer out of his seat, mercilessly pulling Tonks with him in the general direction of the kitchen. Andromeda only shot them a worried look at the prospect of having her daughter almost alone in the kitchen before she went back to admiring Celestina.

The moment they left the living-room, Giovanni shut the door behind them with a flick of his wand and turned to his best friend. He looked ready to kill.

"Okay, Tonksy, would you care to explain why exactly I have to endure that deafening screeching? Or, on top of that, the blinding hideousness that are your decorations? Seriously, you should just have let me-"

"No, Gio. I know you don't like my taste in décor-" Giovanni positively snorted at that statement "-okay, so maybe you hate it, then. Still, it's my house – oh, well Mum's house – and I have to live with it. You'll live; it's only a day. And nobody's forcing you to stare at it all the time if you dislike it so much. And I only turned on Celestina because it makes Molly happy and Mum finally has someone to admit her obsession over that musical accident to."

Giovanni just rolled his eyes at her. "Tonksy, you know I appreciate your misguided attempt at replacing the uncomfortable silence of earlier with at least some kind of sound, but did it have to be that noise? I'd much rather sit there in that oppressive silence than bear another minute of that woman. She murders songs I was sure no one could possibly screw up. Obviously, I've been proven wrong."

"You know I hate her, too, you little drama queen. Just hope that Robert doesn't take to her enough to make you listen to her at home. I still think this is better than spending the whole day in silence. It's not my fault we have nothing to talk about except for death and war."

"Well, you _did_ join the suicide order in the first place..."

"And if I hadn't joined the 'suicide order' I wouldn't have met Remus and you wouldn't have been able to plan my wedding and fret over the fact that your best friend is having a baby that you will so coo about the second it's born."

"Will not."

"Will too. Besides, we still would be in the same situation, wouldn't we? Whether I'd joined the order or not, we would be at war by now either way. So better I do something about it – or rather did, since I'm not all that useful right now – than just sitting around waiting for the Death Eaters to come and get me."

Another snort from Giovanni. "I'd love to see the Death Eater that'll be able to get you. But I'm still not going back in there. I think my ears might bleed."

"Don't be such a diva. You'll be just fine. You know, for starters, you could talk to your boyfriend again. It surely would distract you from Celestina's singing."

"No way! He told me to 'calm down a bit', Tonksy! We were facing the awfulness that is your neon coloured decorations and he told me to be calm! Do I ask him to be calm when someone stumbles into St. Mungo's with their head under their arm? No, I do not!"

"That's an entirely different situation, Gio, darling."

"It most certainly isn't! The sight of your house as it is now is nothing short of lethal to my poor eyes. Anyone who's not colour blind feels their good taste wither and die as soon as they take a step into the hall."

"You're exaggerating. You've been on a rant considering my poor choice of décor for most of the day, at some point you just have to have enough of it, don't you? I mean, obviously the rest of us are all colour blind and it's not Robert's fault that he doesn't have to criticize me non-stop for how I choose to decorate Mum's house. Just ignore it and apologize for being such an idiot. Both to me _and_ your boyfriend."

"But it's the truth!"

"Gio!"

"Oh well, if you say so. I will apologize to both you and Robert for rubbing in your lack of taste the way I did, on one condition. You apologize to me for putting me through that visual and audible torture first."

"Fine. I, Nymphadora Lupin, born Tonks, apologize profoundly for putting you, Giovanni Riviera, designer extraordinaire, bestest of friends and man of taste, through the visual and acoustic torture that is my living room. Satisfied?"

"Immensely. And I apologize for criticizing your skills in decorating your house all the time, even though it's true that the décor borders on painful. I swear I'll ignore it for the rest of the day. And now excuse me, I have to apologize to my boyfriend before he decides to become a full-blown Celestina Warbeck fan just to get back at me for being a jerk."

With a broad grin, Giovanni disappeared into the living room, leaving Tonks to her own thoughts. She just rolled her eyes at him before turning around to make herself some tea. No matter what her mother said, she was indeed able to do that much...

XxxxxxxxX

Forty-five minutes later, the fire in the kitchen was put out and Andromeda was through the bigger part of her rant on how Tonks should never ever do anything while alone in a kitchen, no matter how minor an act it was. Giovanni smiled to himself all that time, partly because Robert finally talked to him again and partly because the fire eliminated some of the offending decoration that had even covered the kitchen floor to ceiling. The fact that Molly and Andromeda forgot all about the Celestina concert in their fretting, enabling him to subtly switch stations and thus do the rest of them a favour was just an added bonus.

Dinner was all set up – Tonks being effectively banned from the kitchen – when Remus finally made an appearance. He looked like death himself and offered them all a weak smile before collapsing onto the couch. Robert and Tonks shot him worried glances, the latter hurrying over to place his head in what space was left on her lap to carefully caress his hair. Remus leaned into the touch and practically purred, eyes already dropping shut. He turned his head a bit to lean on her bump and smiled in contentment before drifting off to sleep.

The only two other occupants of the room – Giovanni had left them to themselves to join Andromeda and Molly in the kitchen, since the fire had caused that to be the, in decorating terms, least 'offending' room in the whole building – smiled at each other. Tonks didn't know the exact wording of his mission, but she knew he had been spying on some Death Eater or another all that time. She was really grateful for the warm sweater she was wearing the minute she grasped Remus' hand to intertwine their fingers. It was freezing cold as the temperature outside of their cosy living room was almost hostile. No wonder he had fallen asleep so quickly.

Not too long after Remus' return, they were joined by the others. Molly immediately turned back to the radio and switched back to the Celestina concert. The rest of them just grimaced and let it pass. Tonks was rather grateful that her husband was fast asleep, since she knew that Celestina didn't evoke the best of memories on his part. Not to mention that he found her music to be just as horrible as most of the other people currently sitting in the room thought it to be.

While Molly let Tonks and the exhausted werewolf be for the time being, she forced dinner on everyone else, rushing them off to the kitchen as she wouldn't hear anything about eating in the living room. For a moment, Tonks contemplated waking her husband, but seeing him so peaceful for a change was well worth waiting another few hours for dinner. She wasn't really all that hungry anyway, her cravings assuring that she had more than enough snacks in-between meals.

Therefore she just spent the time the others were away in the kitchen staring off into space, playing with Remus' hair and thinking. She tried to keep her thoughts as far away from all the dark things as she possibly could. After all, it was Christmas and the world would be a dark enough place when it would be over without her worrying about all of that now. Even Death Eaters tended to celebrate Christmas instead of killing Muggles; though she wasn't too sure with some of them...

Before she could get too lost in her own thoughts – she already felt the last rest of Christmas cheer leaving her – Remus started to stir and finally rose from the dead again. "Dora? Did I fall asleep on you? Sorry! I really didn't mean to!"

He cast a confused look around the room. "Where are the others? I think I passed Molly and Arthur and Giovanni in the kitchen and I'm sure I remember Robert sitting here with you..."

"You've been out for a while, honey. They're all in the kitchen having dinner." She smirked at the guilty expression that crossed his features.

"Sorry about that. I keep you from eating. You can still go now, if you want to. I think I'll just stay on the couch for a little while longer. Those ten hours in the cold, following some suspicious Death Eater who really didn't do anything today took their toll."

"Oh, I don't mind staying here with you. I guess the others will come back over soon enough, anyway. Did you even find out anything?"

"Nope. Nothing at all. All he did was visit a few friends, family and have one or two conversations with fellow Death Eaters, though from what I could gather, they weren't talking about anything we haven't already known for months."

"So you basically stood there in the cold for nothing."

"You could say that. I just wanted to go home. What with the lack of thrill, I didn't even have adrenaline to warm me."

"Poor darling. I guess we'll just have to sit in front of the fire and have a few cups of Molly's hot chocolate to get you warmed up again. Good thing for you I've already been planning on going to bed early so I have a legitimate excuse to get up at sunrise for my presents."

Remus just chuckled at her, pressed a kiss to her protruding belly and resumed his former position, seemingly falling back asleep already. Though he did seem conscious enough to follow the conversation once the others returned to the living room after they finally finished dinner. He even chipped in with a comment of his own every now and then. All in all, Tonks' Christmas cheer was returning and it most certainly lit up the room. By the end of their cosy evening, there had been quite an amount of laughter given the situation they were all in and Molly and Arthur looked a little less pale and worried.

The same went for the other members of the Order that had joined them one by one throughout the evening. Kingsley especially always found something to say that would break any oppressive silence that might occur and Tonks started to believe in her plan again. It didn't seem such a bad decision to have this little semi Christmas party with their friends when it left everyone laughing more than they had in months.

Once they had said their goodbyes to everyone, not wishing to think that it could have been the last they'd ever see of them for once, Remus and Tonks wished Andromeda a good night and disappeared into their bedroom. The werewolf was so out of it he fell asleep literally the minute his head hit the pillow. Tonks took her time getting under the covers next to him, chuckling to herself. At least all that sleep he was getting would guarantee that he was wide-awake tomorrow morning – he would need it.

XxxxxxxxxX

Christmas Day came and of course, the house positively drowned in chaos. Tonks was up at sunrise, practically bouncing out of her bed, shaking her husband awake with no mercy. Once she was sure Remus wouldn't fall back asleep the minute she turned her back on him, she made her way over to her wardrobe and pulled out her bathrobe, humming loudly under her breath.

The second she was sufficiently dressed as to not freeze in the cold hallway, Tonks was out the door, heading straight to Andromeda's room, a light spring in her step. Well, as much spring as she managed this far into pregnancy. Understandably, Andromeda was still fast asleep, though that state didn't last too long when Tonks literally jumped into the bed next to her sleeping form. The older witch didn't even turn her head.

"Nymphadora, how many times did I tell you not to do that? You could just wake me like a normal person, you're not five any more."

"But Mum! That's more or less Christmas tradition. You can complain all you like you know deep down you cherish it. Admit it, you missed this last year."

Andromeda certainly wasn't about to admit it, but her daughter had a point there. Though she tried to tell herself that she had only been sad on Christmas morning because she had known Tonks was miserable and not because she, for once, had woken up after the sun had like everyone else. Instead of caving in and telling the truth, Andromeda decided to go for a sigh.

"I hope you didn't wake Remus. He could use a good night's sleep."

"And he had a good night's sleep. We turned in fairly early and he passed out cold the minute he lay down. I can't exclude him from our Christmas tradition, that wouldn't be fair. After all, he's part of the family now."

Andromeda did her best to push all thoughts of how another family member was missing out on their tradition this year to the back of her head before she finally turned her head to meet her daughter's gaze. Tonks didn't need to see her tears right then. It was her favourite holiday and no one had a right to ruin that for her. Not after the Christmas she'd had last year.

"Okay, honey. How about you give me five minutes to dress and you go down to the kitchen and wait for me. I'm pretty sure Remus is already working on a few cups of hot chocolate. Once I'm down there, we can open presents."

Tonks' smile was wide enough to light up several towns. She hopped off the bed and disappeared into the kitchen as fast as she could. When Andromeda followed down the same path a few minutes later, she wasn't surprised to find her only child and her son-in-law sitting at the kitchen table with a mug in hand each. Despite the fact that she got to have a fair a share of chocolate this early in the morning, Tonks was the picture of restlessness and the moment she became aware of her mother's presence in the kitchen, she jumped out of her chair and pulled her with her.

Andromeda just laughed at Tonks' impatience and shot Remus an apologetic glance. She wasn't sure how used that poor man was to Tonks' more childish antics. Those definitely were at their worst around Christmas. But the werewolf just smiled and grabbed a third mug for his mother-in-law before following them into the living room, where a pile of presents rested next to the Christmas tree.

With a huge grin, Tonks pushed her mother down into an armchair next to the tree while gesturing for her husband to take a seat on the couch, where he would be able to set down the mugs he was holding. When everyone was seated to her content, the young witch turned to the presents and started to sort through them. Within minutes, there were three neat piles in front of the tree. However, some of the presents that had been beneath the tree beforehand remained there.

Remus seemed confused. "Dora, honey? Why don't you sort those, too?"

"Well, from what I can gather, they're for the baby and I think our little one should have its own pile, even though it's not born yet. I think some of the presents labeled for us contain something or other for the baby, too, those'll land up on that pile, too. That is, if you don't mind."

Remus was quick to erase her insecurities with a smile. "I think it's a brilliant idea. How about we open some of those presents now?"

The smile he received in return was so broad he feared for a second it would split Tonks' face. Before anyone in the room could do so much as blink, they all had several presents in their laps and Tonks was sitting next to her husband on the couch. Both Remus and Andromeda chuckled to themselves before following Tonks' example and tearing through the wrapping paper.

Due to the war and the general tense situation in the wizarding world, there wasn't as much of a gift exchange than before, but in exchange for the quantity, the presents received seemed more heartfelt. Tonks spend half an hour cooing over the teddy bear Andromeda had got for the baby, not to mention the necklace Remus gave her – which she just happened to know belonged to his beloved grandmother. Both Remus and Andromeda had a great time amusing themselves with Tonks' failed attempts at knitting – despite Molly's advice and help – with the latter trying to convince them that this wasn't her actual work but just for entertainment and failing miserably.

Once they had torn through all their presents, Tonks finally agreed to let them all have some well-earned breakfast. The three of them returned to the living room with full stomachs, more at ease than they had been for weeks now. For once, there wasn't anything to be done: no cleaning (which proved rather impossible, anyway, with the amount of decoration Tonks had put up all over the house), no Order duty, no friends to host. Christmas Day was all about family.

Naturally, the fact that one important member of the family was currently missing with no hints to his whereabouts or even the fact whether he was alive or not put a damper on the mood, but it couldn't be helped. They just made themselves comfortable in one piece of furniture or another and listened to the soft sounds of the radio playing in the background.

To Tonks' and Remus' chagrin, another Celestina Warbeck concert came up ("Seriously, don't they have anything else to broadcast these days?"), leaving Andromeda in a particularly relaxed mood – completely ignoring the tortured grimaces on the other two's faces. What bothered them wasn't so much the fact that the woman didn't hit a note – and probably couldn't, even if her life depended on it – but rather the fact that her singing tended to depress Remus.

Usually, he didn't mind it all too much and just did his best to cover his ears inconspicuously. But it was Christmas Day and that reminded him of last year's Christmas and his own stupidity (which had resulted in a very lonely, confusing and painful Christmas for both himself and his wonderful wife). Which, in turn, made him remember another person he had loved to spend Christmas with only two years ago. A certain someone that would have kicked his ass for what he had done to Tonks. Who, in fact, if he still had been alive, would have done so several times.

Memories of one of his best friend of course were followed by memories of his two other best friends and the knowledge that one of them was the course of the other two's deaths and was currently walking around with no care in the world, murdering even more people under the command of Lord Voldemort himself. Probably even planning to kill the child of the wonderful couple he had already taken from this world.

It wasn't that hard to follow that train of thought, especially not for Tonks who had become good enough at reading Remus' every mood like a book to be called psychic or a Legilimens. Whichever being the case, she also happened to know what she'd have to do to get him out of that sombre mood. Thanking whoever was up there for her Auror training and the notion to always have her wand with her every second of every day, Tonks pulled it out and with a quick flick of her wrist more or less raided their secret stock of chocolate.

The moment he became aware of the pile of chocolate on the living-room table, Remus forgot all about melancholic reminiscence and sat up with a grin on his face. Andromeda noticed, too, and turned to her only daughter with a smile. While Tonks just leaned back and enjoyed her ability to cheer almost everyone up at any given time, the other two fought over some type of chocolate or other. The fact that every other occupant of the house turned out to be a hopeless chocolate addict had been Andromeda's downfall, quickly integrating her into the league of chocoholics.

The rest of the day was spent lazily on the couch, listening to the radio that finally seemed to be able to play something that wasn't Celestina Warbeck. None of them found it in them to get up and make lunch since they were all still full with chocolate anyway. By the time dinner came around, Tonks' stomach protested loudly and they got up off the couch at last to switch over to the kitchen.

Still not being allowed to touch anything whatsoever in her mother's kitchen, Tonks just sat down in one of the chairs and watched Andromeda prepare the meal. Whenever Remus tried to offer his help, the older witch turned him down, until he finally succumbed to his fate and positioned himself behind his wife to give her a shoulder massage. Tonks practically purred in content and would've fallen asleep on the kitchen table if dinner had not been ready at last. They ate in silence, but for once that silence was neither awkward nor oppressive.

And it continued when they switched back to their former positions in the living room, Tonks cuddled into her husband, who all but disappeared into the cushions, and Andromeda in the armchair with at least two blankets in her lap. Thinking back, Tonks couldn't remember much of a conversation throughout the whole day. Whenever they wanted to communicate something, they either just smiled at each other or did it through touch or a few short sentences at the most. And despite her bubbly personality and the fact that she usually wasn't any good at sitting still for more than a few seconds, Tonks was okay with that. That one day, she didn't need words. They were there and they were a family and that was all she needed for Christmas, after all.


	59. Chapter 59

_So, here's the next chapter :) Chapter 60 is also already edited by my lovely beta WendigoGirl and will be up in a few days :D Read and enjoy ;)_

_lupintonks: In case you're still reading this, from Chapter 62 onwards there'll be no more referring to Remus as 'the werewolf'. It sounds a bit degrading to me, too, but I've been running out of synonyms. I solemnly swear to do better in the future ;) For the next few chaps, they'd already been written when you reviewed, so I just scanned through and changed the scenes where it caught my eye (which was just one, so it's possible that I missed the reference a few times, I'm not sure how often I used it)._

_DeathlyHallowsschoolgirl: I try to check everything with the timelines I found online and my own notes when I reread the Deathly Hallows, but it's possible I missed or switched something. Do you remember which chap exactly said they were breaking into Gringotts (because otherwise I'll have to reread quite a few and that'll take forever...)? I'll have a look at it and see if I can correct it so that it still makes sense :) (And I – by now, at least – know that Bill is the oldest, I'll change that when I one day have the time and motivation to reread it all again and upload the edited versions. But for now I thought it was a minor mistake that didn't necessarily disturb the storyline, so for the time being let's imagine that Charlie is the oldest ;) )_

**Chapter 59**

**The Boxing Day Fiasco**

Boxing Day brought the return of their friends. Since Andromeda couldn't be bothered to leave the house – probably waiting for Ted to come home for Christmas against all hope – and everyone else decided that it would be too much to ask for Tonks to come over to any of them safely, the order, Giovanni and Robert were coming to them once more.

The atmosphere was still cheery and relaxed, even though Giovanni continued to fix Tonks' decoration with a death glare. There had been no new deaths over the holidays, at least none that had been reported to anyone yet. It seemed that even Death Eaters and Voldemort in person had better things to do on Christmas. Or in general, since Tonks doubted that the Dark Lord paid much attention to the holidays, anyway.

However it came to this, it, to some degree, restored a sense of safety and happiness. Every single one of them knew that their little bubble was about to burst soon, but no one wanted to think about that while it lasted. Why go telling yourself you're in the middle of a war if you're going to be reminded soon enough, either way?

So the day was spent with mindless chatter about presents and the baby's due date and everything that wasn't war or death. The members of the order did their best to avoid anything having to do with their missions and Robert didn't particularly care to explain the current situation in St. Mungo's either. No one needed to know about the things he'd seen these past few weeks…the things he kept seeing.

That ambience of carelessness, however, was destroyed when Robert's watch started to make enough noise to raise the dead. St. Mungo's employees were required to wear those watches at all times. Much like the Dark Mark and the coins Hermione had given to the DA, they would repeat what was being done to either one of them. Though the watches were able to alert either particular persons or the whole staff, unlike the aforementioned two.

Along with the noise came a very unsettling red colour – meaning this was a red alert, requiring the immediate attention of all staff members possibly available. A few signs appeared in the air that no one but Robert himself could decipher, and before anyone could even say a word, the healer was on his legs, grabbing his coat and out the door. The rest of them sat in shocked silence, only broken by the soft sound of someone apparating outside.

Even though no one could tell what exactly the red alert was about, the fact that it came on Boxing Day and the terrified expression on Robert's face said enough. The Death Eaters had obviously had enough of keeping in the dark and decided it was time for another strike. Tonks saw the worried look on Giovanni's face and knew that her friends had anticipated something along those lines.

"Gio? That's not the first time that happened, is it?"

Feeling all eyes in the room on him, Giovanni shook his head. "No, it isn't. There've been so many alerts these past few weeks... but no red ones, most of the time. That damned watch literally makes him drop everything at all times. He usually returns hours after the call, completely exhausted and with a look on his face I can't even begin to describe."

The members of the order exchanged quick glances. They had a pretty good idea what kind of things Robert had to see on a daily basis and someone as kind-hearted as him surely wouldn't take them easily. Tonks had enough haunting memories from her days as a trainee to know that it was hard to shake those images, no matter how tough you thought you were.

"Gio? If you want to, the two of you can stay here once Robert gets back. We all know what it's like and I'm sure he could use someone to talk to."

For a minute, Giovanni considered turning the offer down. After all, his boyfriend could talk to _him_. But he also knew that he couldn't fully understand the things aforementioned boyfriend had to deal with. There was a reason why Giovanni wasn't a healer in St. Mungo's or an Auror for the Ministry or a member of the Order, at that. He just wasn't made to handle those kinds of situations and most of the time he was pretty sure the world would be a better place if only he kept out of that business and stuck to his designs.

Of course he sometimes questioned that stance. Asked himself whether it wasn't all cowardice and he just didn't want to think about the fact that the world wasn't as peaceful a place as he would wish it to be. But then again, not everyone could be a hero, right? He might be a bit fixated on superficial things, but that didn't mean he was completely useless. It just meant that he knew where he stood and who he was. And it meant that he should at least be brave enough to face the facts and right now, he knew that he wasn't what Robert needed when he came back.

"Right. We'll stay here. I'll send an owl to St. Mungo's, if you don't mind. I'm pretty sure he'll be there long enough for it to arrive."

With a sigh, Giovanni got out of his seat and disappeared into the kitchen, leaving the others to share further glances. Molly bit her lip. "You don't think he feels useless, do you?" she whispered to Tonks, leaning toward her slightly.

Tonks mimicked her best friend's sigh before she responded. "I think he might from time to time. But he knows he isn't born to be a soldier and I was always proud of him for accepting that fact. He is the one who makes people laugh with his weird humour, who offers people a second chance when no one else would and he is the one who makes them smile with his designs. He does what he can and I could never be mad at him for not participating in the order. It's not everyone's call. And from what I gathered so far, Robert isn't one to blame him for his choices in life, either."

Molly nodded in understanding. Though she did help the Order, she'd always known that her place wasn't necessarily in the front row. Sure, if need should be, she would fight for what she believed in, but usually she was the one to keep the rest of the order together. All her life, Molly had been the motherly one. She just knew that's who she was and no one would ever hear her complain. Of course she didn't want people to reduce her to that part of herself, but most of the time it was the one dominating her actions.

And in that moment, she just understood that poor boy out there so well. Even though Molly had seen her fair share of things she would have loved not to witness in those last few years of being part of the order, she wasn't really in the midst of it. She heard all of those horrible things and felt for the victims, but she couldn't really participate in any given conversation about how the sight of a terribly deformed body affected someone's view on life.

The same applied to Giovanni. As much as he wanted to help and support his boyfriend, he just didn't fully understand what the things Robert had to face every day since that terrifying war had begun really did to him. And Molly was just as proud as Tonks that that young man was able to accept that fact, that he was able to put his pride aside and let others help when he knew he couldn't.

XxxxxxxxxX

They all waited for Robert's return in tense silence. Giovanni hadn't said a word after re-entering the room and most of the order members that had made it over for Boxing Day had stayed with them to help as much as they possibly could despite the fact that most of them didn't even know Robert – except for Kingsley, who had stumbled in on Tonks and Giovanni more times than he could count during her training. He had seen enough of that guy to befriend him even without befriending his pink-haired best friend first.

On the other side of the room, Remus and Tonks were cuddled into each other, sharing worried glances every now and then. Molly sat right next to Tonks, holding her hand and gripping it tightly whenever her gaze wandered over the lost figure of Giovanni hunched over in his seat. No one knew what to say and the silence stretched on until they were all convinced they couldn't take it any more. That was the exact moment when they heard the sound of apparition and someone coming in through the front door.

Robert's face was void of any expression when he entered the living room. A short flash of surprise was visible at the sheer amount of people who had waited up for him – it was, after all, almost midnight by now – but it disappeared as quickly as it had come. Giovanni chewed his bottom lip nervously, not knowing what to say and if, in his current state, his boyfriend even wanted or needed his comfort. He decided to just let his gaze linger on him and stretch invitingly on the couch. Robert could take that as whatever he wanted and the rejection wouldn't feel too bad if he chose to sit somewhere else.

However, there had been no need to worry. The moment Robert felt his boyfriend's gaze upon him, he locked their eyes and let himself fall on the couch next to him, more or less lunging into his arms. That was quite an usual amount of affection in front of others for Robert, but Giovanni decided not to question it and just held him close, letting Robert bury his head in the crook of his neck.

The rest of the room remained silent. No one knew what to say. Not one of them wanted to be the first to speak and possibly cause Robert to break down. They were all curious as to the reason for the red alert – there had been nothing on the news up until now – but it seemed tactless to ask.

After a few minutes, Robert had calmed down enough to finally lift his head from the crook of his boyfriend's neck, carefully loosening the tight grip his arms still had on him. The moment he felt him move, Giovanni shot him a questioning glance to which Robert answered with a tiny nod before taking a deep breath and turning to the other occupants of the room. He knew they wanted to know what had happened and he knew he'd have to tell them eventually. He just didn't feel ready to do it now.

Before he could even do so much as open his mouth, Tonks cut him off.

"Rob, you don't need to tell us. Take your time."

The others all nodded at him in understanding, too. The healer just shook his head. "No, the Order needs to know. And I'm pretty sure it won't help me, either, to bottle this up for too long."

Robert took another deep breath before he went on. "As you all have probably assumed already, the alert was caused by a bunch of Death Eaters. They've been practically raiding a whole neighbourhood, mostly the Muggle households, and some of the neighbours that were witches or wizards stood up to protect them. They couldn't do anything; they were outnumbered. In turn, the Death Eaters decided to punish everyone in the area, regardless of their ancestry. Even the ones that stood aside and let it all happen in order to protect their own family. I can't remember ever having had such a number of children in that hospital."

He spoke in a monotone, still not able to face his own feelings, his own memories. He didn't want the images of those poor, innocent children, deformed and tortured and injured in the most horrible ways, to haunt his mind. Especially the ones of those he couldn't do anything for. He couldn't remember ever having to repeat his 'I'm sorry, but there was nothing we could do' speech that often in one night. And on Christmas, of all days.

He could feel the pitying stares of all the others on him, but what really made him break down were the strong arms that came up around his waist and held him tightly, anchoring him to reality before he could lose his mind. Robert looked up in Giovanni's tear-streaked face and simply let go, knowing that no one in that room would judge him for his tears. He swore he could hear quite a few different sniffs above his own sobbing.

No one said anything for a while. They just sat there, letting the tears fall, holding each other. Tonks was almost sobbing louder than Robert himself at the thought of what could happen to _her_ child if things didn't get better soon. She most certainly didn't wish for Bellatrix to come after her child to torture it to death like her fellow Death Eaters had done to complete strangers. Molly next to her also dissolved into tears, having the bigger part of her own children roaming the country in defeat of Lord Voldemort in some way or another.

It took some time, but finally, everyone calmed down enough to be able to reassure each other over a few last stray sobs or tears. Kingsley took a few minutes for an intense conversation with Robert, with Giovanni still by his side trying to offer as much comfort as he possibly could, before leaving. One after the other, the members of the Order left, Molly and Arthur being the last ones. Molly kindly offered Robert and Giovanni to come over any time they liked, if they ever needed someone to just listen over a cup of tea. They accepted the offer smiling as broadly as they managed.

At last, there were only Andromeda, Remus, Tonks and Robert and Giovanni themselves left. The silence from earlier went on. Once again, Robert had buried his head in his boyfriend's neck, doing his best not to think of what he had to witness mere hours ago, trying to keep his breathing steady. Every now and then Giovanni's hold on him would tighten and he knew that the other man just tried to get a grip on his own emotions to stay strong for him. He'd never been more grateful for someone suppressing their own feelings. Robert didn't feel he could deal with the two of them breaking down.

When he finally looked up, he noticed that the man next to him wasn't the only one trying to rein in his emotions in order to help him. Tonks had successfully swallowed her own tears and offered him a weak smile across the room. There were tear tracks on Andromeda's face, but she smiled at him as well, biting her lip to keep from breaking down in sobs, too. When Remus wasn't busy keeping a worried eye on his wife, he also kept himself together enough to smile reassuringly.

Somehow, Robert actually found it in him to smile back. Admittedly, it was one of the weakest smiles he had ever felt crossing his face, barely a movement of the corners of his mouth, but a smile nonetheless. He knew it reassured the others more than a big grin ever could in this situation.

The silence lasted a couple of minutes longer before Andromeda finally had enough of it and ushered them all into their respective rooms. Giovanni and Robert would spend the night in one of the guest rooms. Later that night, they weren't sure if they should be grateful for accepting that condition or if they wouldn't have been luckier to stay on the couch.

From where their room was situated between Andromeda's bedroom and that of Remus and Tonks, they could hear almost everything going on in either of those rooms. They could hear Andromeda's silent sobbing when she thought everybody else had fallen asleep. They had to listen to Tonks' choked voice and Remus' whispered reassurances that he wouldn't let Bellatrix – or any Death Eater – touch their child, no matter what happened in the future.

Knowing that he probably could be heard from the other two rooms as well, Robert felt he could no longer hold back in the darkness of the room. Once again, he buried his face in Giovanni's chest and just let the tears fall, strong arms keeping him securely in place. Whenever he felt he would shatter into pieces, the arms tightened their grip as if the other man knew, holding him together. Eventually, the tears subsided. There was no more noise from the bedroom on their right and he figured Tonks had finally fallen asleep in Remus' arms, as he was about to do in Giovanni's.

However, the sobbing on the left side hadn't stopped. And even as sleep started to overtake him, Robert felt bad for the poor woman for not having her husband with her to hold her together in times as these. Because he didn't know what he would be doing without his better half and he wasn't even sure what Tonks would be doing in her mother's place, no matter how strong she appeared. The last thing he felt before he finally gave in to the soothing blackness was admiration for that courageous woman that held her head high against all odds.


	60. Chapter 60

**Chapter 60**

**A Night Of Hope**

For the rest of the year, nothing of that heinousness happened again. It seemed like the Death Eaters had proven their point and were content with that – for now. They all knew there was more to follow, but the feeling of safety returned with every passing day that brought no news of death or destruction.

Shaken by the events, most of the members of the Order kept to themselves for a few days to process what had happened. Thus, Andromeda, Remus and Tonks remained relatively undisturbed in their home. Molly had planned something for New Year's Eve and Tonks, declaring that she was sick of staying in the same house all the time, had complained and begged until Andromeda and Remus had agreed to take her to the Burrow for the occasion.

Actually, being tied to the house the way she was drove Tonks up the walls. The fact that she had to make a run for the bathroom every so often because the child's weight started to press on her bladder hadn't helped her argument too much. Moreover, she moved so slowly she got annoyed with herself and her hormones were raging in a way that caused her to pull poor Remus more often than not into their bedroom the minute he entered the house.

Of course Tonks still loved the fact that she was pregnant with Remus' child, but the pregnancy limited her freedom and that was something Nymphadora Lupin didn't just swallow. She just wanted it all to be over with so she could finally hold her son or daughter. Preferably in an environment that wasn't torn with war and unsafe as could be. But there was nothing she could do about that, either, since she had to stay hidden in their house.

The following days in the Tonks' home were accompanied by a rather tense atmosphere. Remus did his best to keep his Dora as happy as could be, but sometimes even one of his back massages wouldn't do. Tonks was on edge and she desperately needed a change of scenery, even if only for an evening.

But between that much needed change and now stood another obstacle: the full moon. As it approached, it got more and more difficult for Remus to keep up with Tonks' mood swings, since his own could almost match. One remarkable afternoon they fought three hours over who had more rights to use the bathroom first in the morning.

The actual morning after the full moon, however, found Tonks sitting on her husband's bed with chocolate pancakes and a mug of hot chocolate to go with it. He smelt it before he even opened his eyes.

"D-Dora?"

"Hey there. Sorry for that stupid argument. I didn't mean to make you more upset than you already were. I know that it's not only hard on me. So I thought I could call in a favour with Mum and get her to make you your favourite breakfast."

Knowing that the cooking had been done by Andromeda and not by his wife, Remus immediately grabbed the plate and practically devoured it. Once the delicious chocolate had found its way into his stomach and he could think more clearly – perhaps the fact that Tonks was massaging his sore muscles until they finally relaxed had something to do with that, too – he at last got the gist of what she had been saying and turned around.

"Dora, honey, you don't need to apologize. It was my fault, too, and we both were on edge. I know you didn't mean it. And even though it was completely unnecessary, you most certainly won't hear me complain about this delicious breakfast. Or the fact that I have the best wife ever."

Dora just chuckled, glad to hear that the chocolate had made his voice less raspy than it usually was right after the full moon.

"Well, obviously I have a reputation to uphold, then if you don't want me to apologize for being stupid. And I never said you didn't do anything dumb. I'm just admitting to my own faults."

Remus, too tired to have another pointless argument, even if this one only consisted of harmless bantering, not yelling, only nodded into Tonks' shoulder before he drifted off to sleep again.

XxxxxxxxxX

Finally, New Year's Eve came around. Tonks beamed throughout the whole day, offering to help Andromeda in the kitchen so many times she was banned from it around noon. Sulking, she retreated to the living room to read a book over Remus' shoulder, too lazy to hold one of her own in her hands for hours. Her husband just chuckled at her antics and gave in when Tonks became even lazier and insisted that he read to her so she wouldn't need to read herself.

In the back of his mind he though it was good practice for when he would be reading bedtime stories to their child – since Tonks had already assigned him that task. She convinced him that his voice was soothing and did wonders for her spinning thoughts. Whenever things became too much and Tonks couldn't just go to sleep, she had her husband read to her until sleep would overtake her at last.

This time was no exception. Within minutes Tonks was fast asleep on the couch and both Andromeda and Remus sighed in relief. It wouldn't last too long before the young witch would become uncomfortable and wake at least long enough to change position, but until then they would be safe from her over-excitement.

As it turned out, they had no need to worry. Tonks slept peacefully – with the occasional position switch – until they eventually had to wake her in time to attend Molly's party. The Auror awoke with a huge yawn and only chastised them slightly for not waking her earlier. Since she couldn't do anything with her hair anyway and didn't have that much left that still fit her, they just went as they were.

In retrospect, that was probably a bad idea. The moment they knocked on the door of the Burrow, the twins, dressed in suits that were sparkly enough to blind a whole army, greeted them. Molly was dressed in an exquisite robe beset with all kinds of gems. Arthur didn't look all too happy in a matching one, but went with it for his wife's sake.

The rest of the order also looked like they'd been met with a wall of glitter. Obviously, Fred and George had taken to decorate their parents' guests with something or other a few hours ago and Andromeda, Remus and Tonks were lucky enough to find that their never-ending stock wasn't as never-ending as it had seemed near the beginning of the evening.

Flamboyantly under-dressed, the three of them mingled with the crowd. Those members of the order that hadn't paid Tonks and Remus regular visits admired her protruding belly, the others were just happy to see them outside of their own house for once.

After a few hours, Andromeda gave up on all pretence of small talk and just sat down in an armchair in the corner, staring off into space. It wasn't long until Molly ushered her into the kitchen for a cup of tea and a listening session. Tonks just smiled as she observed the process from the corner of her eye, knowing from experience that Molly's talk actually did wonders for a bothered psyche.

Remus, who was sitting next to her, saw the two women disappearing into the kitchen as well. Being fairly acquainted with Molly's talking expertise, too, he just shot his wife a smile and returned to his conversation with Kingsley. Tonks, in the meantime, took to observing the rest of the room. The atmosphere was pretty cheery considering what had only happened days beforehand. Tonks couldn't really reproach them for wanting to forget about that for another night, though.

As midnight approached, Tonks was having the time of her life. Most of the guests had gladly accepted the offer of practically unlimited amounts of free alcohol and now about everyone except for a few select people was at the very least tipsy. The twins had taken to dancing on the coffee table hours ago and Molly herself had had one glass of their mysterious punch too many to even mind. Instead of scolding her sons, she was busy explaining to everyone who would listen to her, cheeks a charming shade of almost tomato red, the fabulousness that was Celestina Warbeck (somehow Tonks wasn't too surprised at the choice of topic).

Arthur, on the other hand, avoided his wife at all costs whenever she even started up with the awful singer. And since the party provided a golden opportunity to do so, he too had indulged in the punch a bit too much and was now singing rather offending carols with Dedalus Diggle in the opposite corner of the room. Minerva, who someone had miraculously been able to convince to attend the party instead of holing herself up in Hogwarts (since literally no one had wished to let their children remain in the school over the holidays this year and thus there were no pupils for her to protect from Snape's tyranny), was also an admirable shade of red and seemed to exchange stories from the original Order with Elphias Doge.

Not too far away from where Tonks, Remus and Andromeda (more or less the only ones sober) were seated, Kingsley and Hestia Jones were dancing quite closely, occasionally whispering into each other's ears and giggling giddily. Tonks just rolled her eyes at the spectacle and enjoyed it. Too bad neither Charlie nor Giovanni and Robert had been able to make time to show up. She remembered countless occasions starring her two best friends from school in various degrees of drunkenness, all of them proving rather hilarious (from her point of view, at least).

Remus, always trying to be the gentleman, also had a hard time trying in vain to suppress a laugh at the antics of some of the other Order members. They really weren't all that responsible for their actions in their current state, but he just couldn't resist the urge. Andromeda, on the other hand, didn't seem to pay too much attention to her surroundings despite Molly's pep talk earlier. That little fact had Tonks rather worried, but she didn't want to bring her father's absence up at a party everyone else seemed to enjoy immensely.

Finally, midnight arrived and everyone crowded together in the Weasley's living-room to make a toast. Everyone tried to get as close as possible to the others, resulting in one really big group hug that made it nearly impossible to actually raise a glass, not even mentioning clinking them. Somehow, they managed with only a minimal amount of spilled drinks and everyone returned to what they'd been doing beforehand, not willing to let the night end just yet.

Sometime during the night, Dedalus seemed to have sneaked out since minutes later, there were fireworks everywhere – probably set up together with Fred and George, since those two where nowhere to be found as well. Everyone came together in the front yard, watching in awe. The spectacle almost lasted half an hour and the applause that followed was deafening. Out of nowhere, the twins and Dedalus showed up again, taking their bows and bathing in the attention and the compliments.

Hours later, after they had finally called it a night and returned home with an eerily quiet Andromeda nobody seemed to be able to get to speak, Tonks turned to her husband, unable to sleep just yet.

"Do you think the twins could arrange another one of those spectacular fireworks for the birth of our child?"

"You want a huge firework spectacle for the birth? Honey, I doubt you'll be much inclined to watch it and the baby will just sleep through its first few hours. I don't think that's worth the effort."

Tonks pouted at him.

"It would be a grand gesture, though."

"That I have to agree to. Maybe we can have huge fireworks for the birthdays that will follow, though."

They grinned at each other and for a moment, there was no doubt in their minds that there would be many birthdays to attend to in the future and that both the two of them and their child would get to experience them together. For tonight, fear wasn't allowed into their heads.

"I would like that."

Tonks cuddled even closer into her husband, grabbing his hand and pressing a loving kiss to its back. Remus reciprocated the gesture by nuzzling into his wife's incredibly soft hair before he gently kissed her forehead. Tonks just sighed in content, letting her eyes fall shut.

Of course there were still a lot of things to worry about. Minor things, such as the fact that they'd have to get all that Christmas decorations down soon. Preferably before Giovanni had to forcibly keep himself from crying when he entered the house – which was a lot more often now, since Tonks insisted on his more or less constant presence, mostly when Remus was gone on a mission. And of course the other things, the ones that led to one of them breaking down in sobs in the others arms every other night. The deaths, the fear, the constant threat of Death Eaters.

But, Remus had voiced it more than once on _Potterwatch_, the most important thing to do right now was not losing hope. They had to believe that they would make it, that the world could become a better place, safe for their child, free from Voldemort and his followers. All they could do right now was believe that the boy they had given their last to save would be able to return the favour by at last getting them rid of the fear that kept pressing on their minds every single day.


	61. Chapter 61

_So, finally, here's the next chapter, fresh from my lovely beta WendigoGirl :) Thanks a lot for that. I'll warn you that chapter 62 will probably take another while, since it's not really done yet and it still has to be betaed once it is. In case you want to know how things are going, I'm on tumblr now and I'll post it there when I get something done (or at least make some kind of progress):__http: /__galindaby__._ tumblr. com/_(without the spaces, please :) ).__ In case you want to ask me anything__ (whether it's 'you lazy *insert insult of your choice*, why don't you write a little faster! Goddamnit!' or 'hey, you promised you'd be done before you had to return to university and now you've got practically no time at all and three stories to finish, what the hell is wrong with you?' or actually something nice like 'why are there so many plot holes in your stories?' ;) ), just do so, either here on fanfiction. net or on tumblr. I'll answer, I swear. Just try not to be too mean ;)_

_So without further ado, here goes nothing ;) Read and enjoy (and leave a review, if you feel like it. If you don't, just favorite or set it on story alert, I can live with those, too ;) )_

**Chapter 61**

**Distraction**

January passed without much happening. There was still no news as to Harry's whereabouts. No one knew if he still lived, though everyone assumed Voldemort would gladly let them know the day their one last hope left this world.

Still, things became tenser by the day. People avoided leaving their houses for longer than strictly necessary, and not just due to the miserable weather. Boxing Day had shown the wizarding world how false the sense of safety they had been reveling in was. Their delusions had stopped the moment the deceiving atmosphere of the holidays had worn off.

At New Year's, the idea of fireworks for their child's birth had seemed alluring, now Tonks just thought what a risk to their safety it could be. Maybe even giving away their hiding place – though the Death Eaters probably knew all too well where she and Remus were staying, anyway.

And the Order of the Phoenix was much more aware of the going-ons than the rest of the wizarding population. There were only rumours left and it seemed that the new regime had forbidden the _Daily Prophet _expressively to report any of those happenings. But people were still disappearing left and right. Especially Muggles with some kind of relative or other able to do magic. Also said relatives, or actually whoever dared to question the Ministry's current policy when it came to those not being able to do magic.

Others were still accused of 'stealing magic'. As if such a thing was even possible. Everyone knew it was all just a bunch of lies, but nobody dared to do anything about it. Because, really, what use would it be? The moment someone protested aloud, they would be taken away by hundreds of loyal Death Eaters. No one really knew where to either. The only thing they coud be certain of was death or at least imprisonment and probably torture. There was no room for mercy where Voldemort reigned.

Another factor that strengthened people's insecurities: Voldemort never expressed explicitly that he was the one behind all those changes in the Ministry. Of course most of the wizarding population had come to that conclusion on their own by now, even those that had been in denial for the longest time. Who else would make Harry Potter, the boy who lived, 'Undesirable Number One'? Sure, the _Prophet _hadn't put him in the best of lights under Fudge, but that was just a step too far.

But why wouldn't he tell? Why would someone as powerful and threatening as the Dark Lord himself feel the need to stay in the shadows? Wouldn't he want to brag about the power he had over all of them, about defeating Dumbledore and his followers?

Naturally, that was exactly what Voldemort wanted them to think. That there had to be something else, that it couldn't all be just his doing or otherwise he would make it known. The members of the Order knew better. But they couldn't inform people on what was really happening right in front of them without getting caught in the action. And that was more than their diminishing numbers could handle.

Thus, there was not much the Order could actually do. For now, their only options were to keep a close eye on known Death Eaters, trying to prevent another Boxing Day tragedy as best as possible. The very few people who were brave enough to inform them of the going-ons in the Ministry, St. Mungo's or the _Prophet _kept their eyes and ears open, but Voldemort and his Death Eaters were careful. There were two more raids on mostly Muggle neighbourhoods and the arrests didn't stop.

Tonks didn't know how to handle the situation at home any more. Everyone around her was too depressed to keep up fake smiles any more. Andromeda didn't get better with each day of Ted's absence. She had her better and her worse days, the latter for the most part consisting of endless sobbing in her room. Tonks would spend hours at her side, trying to suppress her own tears and console her mother until it got too much and Andromeda had to calm down her daughter in turn.

Remus didn't fare much better. Every time he came home from order duty, he felt just as useless as before he went. There was just nothing they could do about it right now and it preyed on his mind. He did his best not to let his frustration get the better of him when he was with Tonks, but sometimes it just couldn't be helped, especially when the full moon drew closer.

Thus, the atmosphere was tense enough already, but if Tonks thought visits from her friends would actually make it any better, she was sadly mistaken. Every other day Giovanni would stop by on his own, a faraway look in his eyes, not really paying attention to anything that was being said. She knew those were the days Robert had been called to St. Mungo's, but there simply wasn't anything to say that would actually help.

Her fellow members of the order also brought nothing but gloom whenever they showed up. After three weeks in which she didn't hear a single laugh from anyone around her, Tonks was ready to bang her head against a wall until she'd black out. Of course she was aware that they were in the middle of a war and things weren't all sunshine and rainbows, but certainly it didn't help their cause to be depressed all the time?

Seeing no other option, Tonks formed a plan in her head. What the Order needed were some hours of recklessness and fun. And who better to organise that than the twins? Surely Fred and George would be able to come up with something. Maybe even something that included fireworks, because they had been spectacular on New Year's Eve.

She figured that in one way, Hagrid had the right set of mind. Why sit around moping when you could celebrate life as long as it lasted? Why cry over the fact that they hadn't heard any news from Harry or Ted when no news basically meant that they hadn't been killed? Why not throw them a support party that would lighten the mood?

So, that was what would happen. With nobody seeing the light, how were they supposed to fight off the dark? The only solution was to bring a little more light in their own lives, to give themselves something to fight for. Life could still be beautiful, so fight for it to stay that way! Yes, that was what Tonks wanted them all to feel. She carried a child that was made out of love and she most certainly didn't want for it to be born in this atmosphere of hopelessness.

XxxxxxxxxX

The last few days of January, things were all set up. Tonks had somehow managed to contact the twins without Remus or her mother getting suspicious and after they had come up with the most brilliant plan of all times, everything had been arranged for the party to take place. Since it should be a surprise for everyone but the three of them and no one was likely to let Tonks out of the house without good reason, it would take place at Andromeda's.

This, however, proved more difficult. Even though Remus was gone for quite some time each day to help out the order, Andromeda hardly ever left the house. She and her son-in-law had agreed that it would be best not to let Tonks alone in her current state (whenever she heard them say that it made her feel like she was sick or something rather than pregnant). So how could she decorate the place for a party without her mother noticing?

In the end, they decided on the only solution they could think of. Fred and George would have to think of some reason or other to visit (they had dropped by from time to time to try and cheer the others up, but it never really worked anymore). One of them would distract Andromeda while the other would help Tonks with the décor. All of this had to take place right before the party.

Naturally, that wasn't the only problem. How would they get the rest of the Order and Giovanni and Robert to show up at the same time without telling them anything? They agreed on Tonks asking everyone via owl to come over and cheer her up for a bit. No one was informed that others would be coming – they just hoped Order members wouldn't try to hex each other thinking this was some sort of trap.

The twins and Tonks didn't spend too much time thinking of food for all the guests (since neither Molly nor Andromeda were informed they could hardly count on them to provide delicious meals for a bunch of people on such short notice). After all, pizza – Muggle or not – was always good so they just put a massive order in some small Muggle restaurant (the guy on the telephone nearly went mad with joy) and had it delivered somewhere nearby so they could get to it easily without having to let down the wards.

The only thing left to do was hope that there wouldn't be some major incident like the one on Boxing Day because it would be disrespectful to celebrate on such a day, no matter how much they needed the cheer. So both the twins and Tonks spent the last day of January close to the radio, carefully listening for any sign of news that could possibly ruin their carefully planned surprise party. Thankfully, nothing happened and before they knew it, it was time for Fred and George's distraction.

While Fred sat in the kitchen with Andromeda, asking her for advice on how to deal with his mother's depression over her family being in such danger, George had been sent up to Tonks' room to 'keep her company'. As silently as they possibly could, they snuck down again to decorate the living-room and the hall. They somehow managed not to draw Andromeda's attention (Tonks' pregnancy had caused her to move much more carefully, thus being less clumsy which with helped avoiding noise).

A good five minutes before the guests were due to arrive, George hurried out to get the pizza and pay the delivery boy, casting some spell or another as to not alert Andromeda with the smell. Fred led the older witch into the living-room at the same time that George and Tonks greeted everyone at the front door.

At first, no one seemed to find the right words. They just stared at the decorations, then each other (in Andromeda's case out of the window from where she could see the small gathering of people in front of her house). The smiles already started to drop off their faces when to their great relief, Tonks, George and Fred noticed their guests' eyes light up, grins spreading on their faces.

Within minutes, everyone was covered in glitter (courtesy of George) and held a large piece of pizza in their hands. Music was echoing through the house – _not _Celestina Warbeck, thank you very much – and finally, there was laughter again. Conversations carried on with ease and somehow, everyone found something to say that was in no way related to the war or death of some sort.

While the twins had mingled with the crowd, Tonks sat in a corner, smiling proudly at the sight in front of her. Everything was going like she had hoped it would for once, and the fireworks hadn't even started yet. She only tore her eyes away from her laughing friends when she felt someone sitting down beside her, though she didn't necessarily have to look up to know who it was.

"That was your doing, wasn't it?"

"Oh well, Fred and George did most of it, actually."

"But it wasn't their idea, right?"

"How do you know? I think it's a very them thing to do."

Remus just laughed at this statement. "It is. Which is probably why they agreed to do it. Still. You look way too pleased with yourself to not be the originator of this little event."

"So I can't look pleased when for the first time in a month, my friends are all together in a room and laughing for a change?"

At that, Remus smiled softly at his wife, taking her hand and placing the other one on her bump.

"Of course you can. And I love you for it. But don't forget, I was a Marauder once and I taught those two. I know that smug look that comes with a successful plan."

Tonks just laughed heartily and leaned back into the hot pink couch the twins had conjured up for her with a content sigh. Tomorrow, the world would be that horrible dark place again, but maybe she could bring a little light in it every once in a while until things got better.

Once again reading her like a book – he had a tendency to do that a lot – Remus pulled her closer and pressed a soft kiss to her head. "You and the twins did a great job, at that. Thank you for thinking of something like this. We'd all be horribly depressed without you all the time."

Tonks smiled into his chest. "Well, since there's nothing else I can do for now, I thought it might be helpful to keep the lot of you sane before you become too depressed by what's going on out there."

"Definitely a useful train of thought. I know you feel useless most of the time because we won't let you leave the house to help the Order, but I want you to know that you are anything but useless, Dora. You're holding us together, just as much as Molly does. Everyone here cares so much about you and our child and it gives all of us so much hope for the future, especially when you throw surprise support parties to remind us that there's something to fight for. That it's not all lost just now."

Tonks offered her husband a lazy grin before cuddling closer. "I'll try to keep that in mind. As much as I enjoy all this, I'm horribly tired. The baby won't stop fidgeting. You'll wake me when the fireworks are on, right?"

"Of course, honey." Remus soothingly rubbed her back as she drifted off on his chest. He'd had a feeling that this party wouldn't end without fireworks, anyway, so not much of a surprise there.

Later that night, everyone stood outside in awe once again as Fred and George's pyrotechnical works of art lit up the sky. But Remus couldn't really be bothered with that display of beauty, way too caught up in the way they were reflecting in his wife's beautiful blue eyes and the soft smile on her face.


	62. Chapter 62

_Finally, here it is :) Fresh from my dear beta _WendigoGirl, _whom I can't thank enough,_ _the latest chap. I dare say I'm really proud of this one so if you can find it in you to review, feel free to do so ;) I've been told it's adorable so I'd like to know what you think :)_

_The next one is partly written and will go to my beta once I'm done (which might take some time, I'm currently active in other fandoms and I have exams coming up in a month). If you want to know how it's going, I'm galindaby on tumblr as well. Left side, 'Tags' section, there's a link to everything concerning my writing progress. Feel free to ask me anything here or on tumblr (or in a review, whatever way you prefer)._

_Read and enjoy! :) _

**Chapter 62**

**Valentine's Day**

It seemed like no time had passed when Valentine's came around. Tonks was well aware that it would be her and Remus's first Valentine's Day as a married couple (or as a couple period), but there wasn't much she could do about that when she wasn't allowed to leave the house. Thus she came to the conclusion that the fact that she was carrying Remus' child and a candle light dinner – Andromeda would cook – would have to be romantic enough this year.

Remus' possibilities, of course, were much less restricted, even though any ideas that involved leaving the house were out of the question. If they lived long enough to see the end of this war he'd make it up to his lovely wife. Though, he still refused to set foot in Madame Puddifoot's.

The Lupins weren't the only ones excited for the holiday. Molly and Arthur (well, more so Molly) loved Valentine's and would always do something special together. They had a whole album of photographs dedicated to the Valentine's Days they'd shared. It couldn't be helped that they'd have to stay in the Burrow this year, but these were times of war, after all. There was always something romantic that could be done, even within one's own four walls.

The rest of the Order either didn't care about the day of love or didn't have anyone to celebrate with (those were – surprisingly – the ones that thought the whole ordeal was ridiculous and had been invented by florists and chocolatiers for the sole purpose of making more money). Tonks understood them all too well, remembering the situation she'd been in this time last year. Sometimes you had to hide behind sarcasm (although the 'non-believers' were probably right).

And then there were Giovanni and Robert, of course. Robert was a 'non-believer', whereas Giovanni had made it his goal to make this the best Valentine's ever for the both of them (within their current possibilities). It had been all planned out since at least October and on the 13th Tonks actually considered brewing her best friend a Sleeping Draught so he would finally shut up and calm down for a bit.

But despite her annoyance Tonks was – somewhere deep down, admittedly, buried beneath mountains of sacrificed nerves – happy that Giovanni was back to his old self, even if only for a bit. After all, she'd put up with him for a good fourteen years so far, she could handle his overexcited side for a few more hours without either poisoning or hexing him.

On the morning of the 14th, Tonks woke to an unusual sight: Remus was – for once – sleeping peacefully next to her. These last few months he'd been up with the first rays of sunlight as to not lose sight of some Death Eater or another, resulting in them hardly ever waking up next to each other. But the Order had been surprisingly considerate and one of those members that would just spend the day moping and eating too much ice cream anyway had offered to stand in for her husband today.

Although Tonks pitied the poor soul that would spend Valentine's hunting down Voldemort's servants, she couldn't help but feel grateful that she got to have Remus all for herself for today. Since she knew that her husband lacked sleep she restrained from waking him immediately. Of course, she was excited for the holiday, but she also wanted Remus to get his much-needed rest. Besides, she'd hardly got the chance to watch him sleep in the few months of their marriage. He really looked different asleep. The worry lines that were usually etched into his face seemed that much less prominent, his features were relaxed for a change. This way he looked years younger. If it hadn't been for the grey hairs he'd have looked very much like the young man on the photos Sirius had possessed copious amounts of.

Without as much as a warning sign, Remus' eyes opened. "Happy Valentine's, Dora", he grumbled, still half-asleep. The smile on his face was radiant, though, especially when his wandering hand came to rest on her baby bump. Tonks just laughed in response.

"Happy Valentine's to you, too. So how about we get out of this admittedly very comfortable bed and get some breakfast? I'm starving!"

"No need for that, lovebirds, I've got that covered."

They looked up to see Andromeda standing in the doorway with a tray covered in the most delicious breakfast they'd laid eyes on for a while.

"Mum! You didn't have to do that. Thank you so much!"

"Anything for you, honey. And for you, too, of course, Remus."

"Thanks, Andromeda. This really means a lot to us."

"Well, I could hardly let my only daughter and my grandchild starve, could I? And since I knew Nymphadora wouldn't leave this bed until you did... I didn't expect you to be up that early. You had a lot of sleep to catch up on."

They all knew this conversation was virtually pointless. Though the food actually looked positively delicious, they could have got something for themselves. The happy couple was actually thanking her for not giving in to the temptation to just spend the whole day crying and sulking in her room, though it would have been easy enough to do so. Andromeda hadn't felt this lonely in quite some time. Even Christmas hadn't been this bad. She just wanted her husband back. But shutting herself off and shedding even more tears wouldn't make him survive or return any faster. This day would be about her daughter and her son-in-law and her yet-to-be-born grandchild. No war, no missing fathers and no more sadness. Not today.

Remus and Tonks were incredibly grateful for that decision. Tonks especially had felt guilty for all the excitement she had spread all over the house throughout the last few days. Knowing that her mother at least tried to see it in a positive light lifted her sorrows a bit.

Still, Andromeda's decision also brought a rather awkward atmosphere with it: neither Tonks nor Remus wanted to shut her out. On the other hand, they wanted to mostly concentrate on themselves and their baby and the older witch would feel left out whether she sat with them or on her own.

Surprisingly, it was Robert who solved that problem for them. Before anyone could say anything, or actually eat something, he came bursting into the room. Tears were running down his cheeks in a seemingly endless cascade and they didn't look like happy ones.

Immediately, Tonks was in friend-mode. There was no thought left for a romantic breakfast in bed until she hadn't fixed whatever had gone wrong between her best friend and his boyfriend. It was just the kind of person she was and people appreciated that, Remus in particular. Thus he just put on some clothes and silently left the bedroom, dragging Andromeda along.

As soon as all witnesses except for Tonks had left, Robert didn't hesitate to throw himself into her arms and sob unashamedly. Startled, Tonks hugged him as tight as she could with her protruding belly and rubbed soothing circles on his back.

"Ssh. Calm down, Rob. What happened?"

It took her a while, but finally she was able to figure out what he managed to choke out in between frame-shaking sobs.

"I- I- Gio- it... I can't! I just can't! Why is he al-always s-so...? I just wanted to- This i-isn't g-going to work!"

"What isn't going to work, Rob? Just calm down, take a deep breath and try to tell me what happened. I can't exactly help you if I don't know what the problem is."

After another few minutes of slowly subsiding sobs, Robert finally pulled himself together enough to actually articulate whole sentences. His voice sounded a bit hoarse, but at least Tonks could make out what he was saying. "It's... I mean, I knew Gio would go overboard with Valentine's. We all knew; it was painfully obvious. But... I know it's not his fault, but I've been called to St. Mungo's on an emergency in the early morning and when I came home everything was covered in roses and the table was decked and that just had to be the most luxurious breakfast I ever happened upon" – Tonks chuckled at this; it just sounded so much like something her best friend would do – "and Merlin, Tonks! I've just come home from another Death Eater raid and it just- I-"

"What did you do?"

"I just... yelled at him. I asked him what he thought he was doing and that there were people dying out there and all he seemed to be able to concentrate on were superficial things like silly flowers and table decorations. In fact, I called _him _superficial and silly and childish and I told him to finally grow up and live in reality. I- I said that I didn't even know why I fell in love with such an ignorant jerk in the first place. Gosh, Dora, the things I said!"

"Please tell me that this is a really bad joke and you didn't really throw all those things his way."

"I did. I don't know why and if I could take it back I would right now, but I can't. I have no idea why I said those things."

"What... what happened then?"

"At first he just stared at me as if I were out of my mind – which I probably was – and then he started crying. He practically begged me to take it back but I just went on. I somehow couldn't stop. I set all the roses on fire and kicked at the table until it fell and all the food was spread on the floor. I yelled some more, mostly to tune out his desperate crying. At some point he just choked out that he was sorry and then he stood up and left without another word."

"And what did you do after he left?"

"Basically, I just destroyed the rest of our flat until I finally came to my senses and realized what I'd just done. I didn't know what to do. I still wish I could take it back, make it never happen, but I can't. I don't know how to make up to him for that. That's why I came here. I don't want to ruin your Valentine's, but I need your help. I know you wouldn't be happy if you knew what Gio is going through right now and couldn't do anything about it."

Tonks took a deep breath and carefully chose her words before she responded. "I'm not really sure I know how to fix this. I've known Gio for quite some time now and I know that he'll take everything you said personally, even if somewhere deep down he's aware that it's a shock reaction. He just can't help it. You know, he always seems to practically ooze with confidence, but in his heart he's just as insecure as everyone else, maybe even more so. He'd always worried that you could think he's not good enough for you and now you more or less said just that."

"He really worries about that? Why? If anyone should worry about not being good enough, it's me. Especially after today."

"That way of thinking is exactly what always gets you two to that point. You need to stop thinking that you're not good enough or that he's too good for you because otherwise it really won't work out. Don't get me wrong, you can adore him all you want but a solid relationship isn't born out of idolisation, it's built on respect. You need to respect Gio as a person and that includes his choices. One of those choices being that he wants to be with you and no one else. You've got to trust him that he knows his own feelings and that he means it when he tells you that he loves you. Do you get what I'm trying to say?"

Robert just nodded his yes, rendered completely speechless.

"If you ask me, I think the only way you can still fix that is by going to him right this instant and apologising profusely. Explain what your situation was like when you came back home, try to make him understand that you just blacked out. Tell him that you love him, that you never meant any of the things you said and that he's not a superficial jerk. Because we both know that's not true. I think he'll come around, but don't you dare pull something like that more than this once. Next time I won't be there to comfort you."

"If I dare to screw up like this again you're going to hunt me down, aren't you?" Robert asked, chuckling lightly.

"Oh yes, I will. And that Auror training hasn't been for nothing, dear. Let's just say you'll most definitely regret it the next time."

"I already do, Tonks, believe me. There are very few things I regret even half as much. I never meant to snap at him like that. It's just too much. I'm so scared to go to work. It's always been hard but this is just... inhuman. I feel like I can't take it anymore."

"I know and I'm sorry you have to go through that. If I could change it you know I would. But we're all stuck in this war and until Harry comes up with a brilliant plan to save us, there's only so much we can do. Do you think you can keep it together until this is over?"

"I'll have to, won't I? I can't promise I'll stay in St. Mungo's through all of this, but I'll do my very best. I'm meant to help people and that's what I do. And maybe... if Gio is willing to take me back this time around... I think maybe things could get easier. You're right, I've not been handling this right. He deserves that I open up to him as much as he opened up to me. I can't hide behind the fear that he's going to leave once he sees what's underneath all those protective layers. I have to trust him to accept the real me just as much as he accepted everything he's seen so far."

"He will. I know he will. Your trust is never misplaced if you put it in one certain Giovanni Riviera, believe me. I've learned through years of experience. It helps to open up to someone so completely. It doesn't make things better or even less horrifying, but it makes it more bearable."

Robert just nodded against her shoulder, too emotionally exhausted to do much more. Tonks gently coaxed him into standing up again and after she'd put on some clothes, they went down to the kitchen together. The healer definitely needed at least a cup of coffee and a few of Andromeda's famous pancakes before he could even think about fixing things with his boyfriend.

The atmosphere at the table wasn't as awkward as everyone had feared it would be and once Robert had decided it was time to leave and be a man about it, they just took the conversation to the living room.

The rest of the day went by rather uneventful. Most of the time Tonks and Remus were sitting on the couch with Andromeda in the armchair, knitting something that looked like a blanket. Soft music played in the background and every now and then one of them would nod off for a few minutes.

Every few hours, Remus would get up and leave the room wordlessly, only to return with some kind of gift for his wife. First, there was a bunch of roses he had sneaked out of Andromeda's winter garden (with her permission). Next was a beautiful necklace that had belonged to Remus' mother (Tonks didn't stop crying for a good fifteen minutes). And it went on all day, from a meticulously prepared lunch that was too delicious for words to a candle-lit dinner/picnic in said winter garden.

In the middle of all those gifts and thoughtful gestures, there had been one thing that had rendered Tonks utterly speechless for the longest time anyone could remember (though she also spent quite some time pouting because Remus sort of stole her idea with the candle-lit dinner so that she had pretty much nothing to show for Valentine's). Throughout the day, Remus somehow had managed to find the time to place tiny notes basically everywhere Tonks could possibly come across them.

Every single one of those notes had Tonks crying for at least a good five minutes (in the good way) before she was able to look for the next. The first few ones she had encountered upon rushing into the bathroom due to her poor bladder. Once she was done and looked up at the mirror while washing her hands, her gaze fell upon the slips of paper stuck to it.

'I love your smile. It's even better than watching the sun rise.'

'I love your eyes. They're incredibly expressive and so beautiful I just want to get lost in them.'

'I love your hair. I don't care whether it's in its natural state or if you change it. It's always you and that's what makes it so beautiful.'

'I love your nose. The way it looks when you don't change it. Remember that day you showed me how long you could balance a spoon on the tip? I was already impressed after the first five minutes.'

'I love your beautiful, beautiful face, no matter what you change. It's the window to your soul and no outward appearance you choose could ever diminish its breathtaking beauty.'

And there were more. In fact, more or less every single room in the house was covered in those notes. Especially their bedroom looked a lot like a minefield.

'You have no idea how much I love you for having my child. I know you hate the fact that you can't really wear any of your old clothes, but I'm quite sure nothing can possibly look better on you than maternity wear.' – The wardrobe.

'I know that the first time we made love, it wasn't on this bed. But what better place to put this note? That night I thought you couldn't get any more beautiful than in that very moment. You've proven me wrong every single day since then.' – Obviously, the bed.

'I love how we always manage to read the same book together. How we're always finished with a page at the exact same time. How you always turn the page without even looking at me because you just know that I'm done by the way I hold the book. I love the way you cuddle up to me and sigh contently when I'm reading to you once you're too tired to do so yourself.' – The bedside table.

The kitchen wasn't much better, though, Tonks noticed once she'd finally got a grip on herself long enough to get downstairs in one piece.

'I love your clumsiness. It's a bit worrying but also unbelievably adorable that you can't cook to save your life. I love that adoring look in your eyes whenever you're keeping me company when I cook for us. And I'm pretty sure no one ever appreciated my food as much as you do.' – The stove.

'Andromeda may think otherwise, but personally, I don't mind that you break the dishes all the time. After all, broken china is (supposedly) lucky, isn't it?' – The cupboard.

And it didn't end there. Tonks had long ago lost count of the sheer infinite number of notes in her hands when at last, the final one appeared. She'd just reached out to touch one of the beautiful roses on the living-room table when her eyes fell upon another slip of paper, stuck between her wedding ring and her ring finger. How Remus had managed to place it there without her noticing was beyond her, but she didn't really find it in her to question it.

'I'm not sure I'll ever fathom how I got lucky enough to be married to you. I still thank who- or whatever is out there every single day that you chose me, and I will for the rest of my life. I love you so much it seems surreal sometimes. Would you mind making the luckiest man in the world just that bit happier by coming to the winter garden?'

Once Tonks had arrived at her destination, all words left her. She'd been planning on an epic speech to measure up to what her husband had done for her, but all thought was gone at the sight in front of her.

Every available surface that wasn't covered in flowers had candles on it. There was a beautiful picnic blanket on the floor, a giant bowl of spaghetti with meatballs in the middle. Next to the bowl sat Remus, a radiant smile on his face, looking up at her expectantly. Tonks knew what he'd been doing. They'd watched 'Lady and the Tramp' quite a few times back at her place. It'd been Ted's favourite film and Tonks associated it with quite a few fond childhood memories.

Looking at the whole scenery, Tonks couldn't hold it in any longer. She broke down in tears before throwing herself at her husband, pulling him into a desperate kiss full of love and gratefulness. Once they pulled away for lack of oxygen, Tonks struggled for air and finally choked out the question that had been forming in the back of her mind.

"You still have some of that paper?"

Confused, Remus nodded and pulled some of it out of his pocket. Tonks took it and looked at her husband just as expectedly, until he finally got it and handed her a pen. He looked on in amazement as his wife started to scribble furiously. When she was done, a proud grin appeared on her face. She handed the paper and the pen back. Ignoring the pen, Remus' eyes immediately went to the note.

'I love everything about you. Literally everything. Even the things that tend to annoy me. Always have and always will. With everything I am, was and ever will be. I just love you.'

The words were surrounded by a rather lopsided heart. Remus just looked at his wife, tears in his eyes, before he carefully folded the note and put it in his breast pocket. Without further notice, he practically jumped at Tonks to pull her into another deep kiss, almost upsetting the spaghetti bowl.

When they parted a few minutes later, Tonks just chuckled at her husband's reaction. Her gaze wandered to the bowl only to return to Remus seconds later. "I hope you realize that you're not a tramp and I'm most certainly not a lady."

Remus just laughed breathlessly. "For me, you're a lady. My lady."

Tonks just smiled. "I'd rather not be a lady. The lady doesn't get to push meatballs around with her nose. And I can't deny I really want to do that right now. It' always been a childhood dream."

Their combined laughter filled the house and, for a few moments, filled the void Ted's disappearance had left. Needless to say, they both ended up pushing the meatballs around with their noses and making a horrible mess with the spaghetti.


	63. Chapter 63

Once again, fresh from my beta WendigoGirl, so thanks to her :D I know it's been quite some time, but I did outline this to the very end and I can tell you now that this story will have 71 chapters, so still 8 to go. I'll update more frequently now. With the end so close I'm motivated to (this time really) finish before I have to go back to university :) So if you haven't abandoned me yet, stay tuned ;)

**Chapter 63**

**Breaking**

Two weeks later the serene atmosphere that had surrounded the house had vanished completely and without a trace. Everyone was back to the depressing state they had been in ever since Dumbledore had left them and Voldemort had risen to power. People rarely showed up at the Tonks' home anymore; they were too busy chasing Death Eaters and trying to prevent further raids to spare a thought on cheering up their friends.

All things considered, Tonks could have used a bit of distraction. Lying on her back was anything but comfortable, as well as about every other possible position one could think of sleeping in, which naturally resulted in an unhealthy lack of sleep on her part. She didn't even have Remus' reassuring breathing to lull her back into oblivion most nights, since the Order was busier than ever.

Thus she ended up sitting in the living-room, over-thinking things and analysing every last bit of their current political situation in the desperate hope to come across something that would save them all they hadn't yet thought of. Predictably, her sleep-deprived brain didn't come up with anything other than just waiting it out and trying to keep the worst from happening until Harry finally came around with a master plan of some sorts.

Some of those nights, her mother would join her, tear-streaks still visible on her face, eyes red-rimmed and heart heavy. Together they'd turn on the radio, in the delusional hope that somehow a miracle would happen and the war would suddenly end and Ted would return and everything would be fine once again. Hell, even an announcement that they'd found her father's body would be better than that constant nagging doubt in the back of her mind that came with not knowing. Tonks needed closure and if there was anyone who needed it even more badly than she, it was Andromeda.

Of course neither of them was looking forward to the day they'd inevitably receive the news of Ted's death, but they had given up on positive news a long time ago. They tried to cling to hope and in the beginning they had really believed that he would come back, that he would be able to run from Voldemort's followers until it was safe for him to return. But that day never came and with every raid on a Muggle neighbourhood, with every Muggle-born witch or wizard suddenly disappearing never to be seen again, it faded slowly into non-existence.

The despair of the war had hit them full on somewhere down the track and one horrible, horrible day they realised that they were holding onto an illusion, a fantasy. Ted would not come back to them. Most of those who had run to save either themselves or their families wouldn't. They tried to pretend they hadn't given up in front of others, even in front of each other, but deep down both Tonks and Andromeda knew that it would just never happen. They'd never see Ted again, hear his resounding laughter, or lay back in his reassuring, warm arms.

Tonks didn't want to sound depressing, but a feeling deep down just told her that it was true and not just a scenario she made up in her head because everything seemed so hopeless. It wasn't. She was expecting Remus' child and she couldn't be more proud and every time she felt that tiny being move inside of her, she knew that there still _was _hope out there. No matter what Voldemort did, he would never be able to completely erase the beauty of life from the surface of the earth. Life went on and wonderful things and miracles still happened, even though much less than they should, despite the dark that surrounded them all.

She wasn't the type to just give up without putting up a fight, but Tonks knew she could rely on her intuition – actually, it was what kept her alive through all those years of Auror training (most people would be quite surprised if they had a look at the death toll there was for Aurors in training). And right now her intuition told her that while their situation could still be turned around and her faith in Harry wasn't misplaced, she would never see her father again. At least not while they were both alive.

Tonks had been hesitant to voice those thoughts in front of her husband. She knew he admired her for her optimism and for being a fighter, and she didn't want to taint that image he had of her if it helped him get through the day and come back home to her and their child. But eventually, she had cracked. It had happened during a really bad thunderstorm one night. Once again, Tonks hadn't been able to sleep. Not even the soothing sound of Remus' heartbeat right next to her for a change had done anything to calm her down.

Tonks hadn't been able to shut up her thoughts for even a second and the sight that had awaited her whenever her gaze had fallen upon the window hadn't been exactly cheerful. In fact, it had looked very much like the image of doom that came to mind whenever she thought of their future. If Harry didn't come up with some miraculous way to beat Voldemort soon, Tonks had been sure that camping in that storm would have been pleasurable in contrast to the world as that crazed lunatic had planned it for them. She hadn't even wanted to think of what such a life would have in store for her unborn child or her husband.

Just as every other time her thoughts had strayed to her little family, they had inevitably returned to her missing father. There wasn't much Tonks wouldn't do to get him back in her life. She'd sell her soul without a second of hesitance if it would bring him back. She wanted to see her mother smile again. She wanted her child to know its grandfather.

Tonks hadn't even noticed the tears running down her cheeks until a slightly calloused, warm hand had cupped one of them and wiped the salty drops away with a gentle thumb.

"What's wrong, love?"

His voice had been hoarse with sleep and he had looked only half-awake, but it had still been obvious that he was worrying about her. An embarrassingly loud sob from his wife was all the response he'd got.

Immediately, Remus had been wide awake. Nymphadora Tonks cried every now and then. It was normal; they were in the middle of a war and she was hormonal. But his

Nymphadora _never _wept this pathetically. All he'd ever seen her do was shed silent tears and try to keep herself together. She might have unintentionally whimpered into a tissue on rare occasion (such as Mad-Eye's death), but usually she was a very composed crier.

Not that night, though. She'd sobbed quite noisily, not even bothering to hide her tears behind her hands. She'd been clutching onto the blanket she'd draped around herself like it was a life-line and it had been _so _hard to breathe.

At a loss what to do, Remus had simply taken her into his arms, rubbing her back and whispering soothing words into her ear, gently rocking them back and forth. Instead of calming her down like he'd hoped it would, it had just caused the sobbing to increase even more in volume until Tonks had had to fight the urge to scream. She'd wanted to let out all that frustration and anger and despair and fear and insecurity and _n__ot knowing_. She'd known that it wasn't fair to burden Remus with all of that since he had enough problems of his own without having to care for hers – especially since there was nothing he could do about most of them. But she hadn't been able to help it that night, not with that storm roaring outside that was such a brilliant metaphor of nature for everything she was feeling right then.

So she had spilled. She'd told him everything that had been on her mind, literally everything. When she'd been done she'd felt hollow and exhausted. But there had also been a sense of relief that had come with baring all of her mind for her husband to see, the wondrous feeling caused by confiding in someone and knowing that you no longer had to keep those thoughts to yourself.

As it had turned out, her worries had been unnecessary. Remus hadn't judged her. He'd even told her that he'd had that same sense of dread that night when Lily and James had died. He'd just known that something had been so terribly _wrong _and not too long after someone had come up to him with the news and Sirius had been arrested. They had spent the rest of the night talking quietly, huddled together beneath Tonks' blanket.

Ever since that day, Remus had easily picked up on the direction her mind would wander in. And he did an amazing job distracting her from all the gloomy, depressing things she'd ponder when on her own. The problem was she could hardly ask him to stay awake with her every night just to keep her from thinking too much. Most nights he wasn't even in the house due to some mission for the order or another.

Not surprisingly, Andromeda wasn't much company if one wanted a happy atmosphere. She was caught up in her own gloomy thoughts, especially since people had more or less stopped dropping by and her son-in-law was practically never at home any more. Tonks and Andromeda seemed to be quite terrible at cheering each other up or even distracting themselves from all the hopelessness around them.

To make matters worse, Tonks still hadn't heard anything from either Robert or Giovanni. After the disaster that was Valentine's Day for them, she needed to know if things were back to normal again. Those two had a shot at happiness and even if she couldn't do much else right now, she could at least try to keep one of the admittedly few bright points in their lives shining. Moreover, Giovanni usually was a very happy person and had practically lived at the Tonks' home when Rob was off to work ever since he'd temporarily given up his boutique. He had kept the mood light and as cheerful as possible under current circumstances. She missed her best friend and couldn't bear to think of him being unhappy.

And it wasn't just Gio. She'd come to like Robert almost just as much and even though he'd been the one to screw up this time, she knew he hadn't meant it. It wasn't his fault that life was what it was right now and it had gotten to him. They both had their faults and she just wanted them to get over it and be happy again. It would restore at least some of her faith in the possibility of being happy at all as of right now.

Not that she and Remus weren't happy. But with him almost constantly gone and wrapped up in order business and both of their constant worries... They couldn't have the same sort of happiness Rob and Gio could have. Of course those two weren't completely oblivious to what was going on around them, especially not Robert, but it somehow felt a lot more like the weight of the world rested on your shoulders when you were part of the Order, part of Dumbledore's legacy.

Tonks didn't regret becoming part of the Order for a single second (especially considering that chances were slim that she'd have met Remus otherwise), but that didn't make it the easier way. She knew every sick detail she could have been perfectly happy without ever hearing about, knew every sick twist of Voldemort's deranged mind as far as Dumbledore had explained it to them. She knew what was behind every move the Ministry made these days and sometimes she just longed for a few minutes of blessed obliviousness, for a day or two where she wouldn't be aware what act of sickening cruelty actually hid behind this or that verbalisation.

It was for that very reason that she'd never reproached Giovanni for not choosing this. Most people weren't cut out for such a secret society. She in no way wanted to hint that her best friend was weak, but she knew the kind of person he was and she knew all the secrecy and the fact that he couldn't just go out and make people see what was actually happening right in front of them would have destroyed him. Giovanni was brutally honest and an open book for everyone who dared to take a look and he didn't handle it well when others were being oblivious to the point of thick-headedness.

To be perfectly honest, Tonks didn't do well with that kind of imbecility, either, but she had just that little bit more patience in the area than her friend. And even though she wasn't a big fan of secrecy and would have loved to tell some of those jerks at the Ministry exactly what kind of government they were working for, she knew she could handle it better than Giovanni. He knew that too, and that was why he never opposed her decision to join, apart from the occasional complaint about it being a 'suicide order'. They were both aware that if things had been the other way round, he would have chosen the same.

It was another few weeks until Tonks finally heard from her best friend, though. By the time, Ginny had already returned to the Burrow for the Easter holidays and Molly was even busier than before – albeit overjoyed at having some control over at least one of her children's safety. Ginny wasn't so enthusiastic about it but grudgingly accepted it since she knew how hard the situation was on her mother. Still, Remus brought home the most hilarious stories and Tonks just wished she could make a step out of the front door without her whole family and all of her friends being on her case about _her _safety. She was an Auror, for goodness' sake.

The day she finally got to see both Giovanni and Robert again was far from being a good one. The pregnancy neared its end and she was slowly getting tired of it, as much as she loved her little one. She just wanted him or her to come out already so people might feel less of a need to tell her what she should and shouldn't do all the time. On top of her swollen feet and back pains and the kinks in her neck from sleeping in horribly uncomfortable positions all the time, Remus was out all day for some mission. Andromeda wasn't the most cheerful she'd ever been, either, and the news on the radio where simply depressing. The vague feeling of dread that had accompanied her all day wouldn't leave her alone and made her restless.

Tonks was busying herself dusting the shelves in the living-room the Muggle way – yes, it was _that _bad – when she heard it. The name she'd somehow still hoped she'd never have to hear on those endless lists read by bored ministry workers mostly in denial of what the words really entailed. The lists filled with names of those who had been casualties of the war, nothing but a pile of bodies Voldemort had to climb on his way to the top.

In the midst of those names, those hundreds of fates, of senseless deaths of faceless people with families and friends and lovers and children, one name stood out clearly, as if someone had shouted it right in her ear. She froze in her movement and the mug loudly breaking on the floor behind her told her she wasn't the only one.

_Ted Tonks._


	64. Chapter 64

And another chapter brought to you by me and my amazing beta, WendigoGirl! Bet you didn't expect us to be that fast, did you? ;) But here it is and hopefully, we'll keep that pace!

Also, a big thanks to my dear anon rachel for reviewing so much *u* I can't get back to you otherwise but I've read all of your comments and they really motivated me! (and might or might not have caused me to squeal at my laptop)

As always, read and enjoy!

**Chapter 64**

**Lost**

It felt like hours passed without any of them moving before the door in the hallway was thrown open and heavy footsteps approached the living room. For a second, Tonks was convinced that it was Remus storming into her parents' house to console them. But then she remembered that he was on a mission for the Order and couldn't leave this suddenly, even if he'd heard of her father's death. Keeping that in mind with what little rationality she had left, she wasn't too disappointed when it was Giovanni entering the room instead.

It had been raining outside for the past few hours and her best friend was practically soaked. His cloak and hair dripped water everywhere and if the situation had been different, Andromeda would have scolded him for ruining her carpet. He looked much more disheveled than Tonks had ever seen him before, with enough stubble on his face that it could almost be called a beard and dark circles under his eyes. Their gazes locked and they just looked at each other for a second before Giovanni crossed the room in a few long strides and pulled her into his arms.

At some point since she'd heard the name on the radio, tears had started to run down Tonks' cheeks. She gladly buried her head in her friend's wet shoulder, the cold, scratchy material of his cloak soothing against the hot tears and his arms around her keeping her tied to reality despite the clamminess of the embrace. Her baby bump kept a bit of a distance between them but none of them seemed to mind in that moment. They were both shaking and after a while Tonks noticed the steady drip of warm wetness on her head – Giovanni was crying as well.

It didn't really surprise her. Apart from the fact that he knew how much Ted's death would hurt his best friend, Giovanni himself had been rather close to Ted as well. He and Tonks had spent most of their childhood together and the parents of the respective other were a bit like their own by now. They just stood there, crying together, until they both remembered that they weren't the only ones grieving in the room. With a forced smile, Giovanni loosened his hold on Tonks and turned around to look at Andromeda.

She was standing in the exact same spot she had been in when the news had registered. The shards of the broken mug and the puddles of tea were still scattered at her feet, her hands shaking and her expression blank except for the steady stream of tears running down her cheeks. She seemed to stare at nothing and the pain her mother would be feeling once the shock wore off hit Tonks hard and added to her own misery. She tightened her grip on Giovanni, closing her eyes and trying to forget any of this was happening.

It didn't last long. Reality caught up with her again when she was pulled to the couch and gently pushed into the soft cushions. Tonks' eyes opened on their own and she watched as her friend slipped out of his still dripping cloak, abandoning it on the floor and walking over to her mother. He gently touched her shoulder, careful as to not startle her in the state she was in. Andromeda showed no reaction to his gesture. Sighing, Giovanni put his arm around her waist and directed her to the couch as well, whispering soothing words into her ear. Once they arrived at their destination, he sat down between Tonks and her mother and pulled Andromeda down with him and into his side.

Tonks had no idea how long they just sat like that in silence, none of them moving or even looking anywhere but at the wall in front of them. She couldn't recall who cracked first, all she knew was that suddenly, they were all crying and clutching at each other as if their lives depended on it. They cried until there were no tears left and they were too exhausted to do anything but just lie there.

At last, Giovanni declared with a voice raspy from hours of crying that they needed some tea and got up – with some difficulty after sitting so long – to disappear into the kitchen. Tonks and Andromeda inched closer together and just held each other wordlessly, until more tears spilled.

Even though the tea didn't – couldn't – do much to lessen the ache in their hearts it did wonders for their dry throats and the hot liquid took away some of the icy coldness that had spread in their veins when they'd first heard the news. It was like that that Remus found them, all three of them staring into space, lost in their own thoughts, clutching their mugs and taking a sip every now and then, not talking but always keeping some sort of physical contact to remind them what was real and what was not.

Knowing the state they were in better than he cared to think about, Remus just made a cup of tea for himself and sat down in the armchair next to the fireplace. He didn't say anything, just waited. Finally, Tonks lifted her head from where it had been resting on Giovanni's shoulder and looked at him. The mixture of raw pain and numbness and loss in her eyes cut right into his heart, but he knew there was nothing he could do about it. So he waited some more. After a while, Tonks got up, struggling to get to her feet, and slowly made her way over to her husband.

Seeing her approaching him, Remus just put down his cup and spread his arms. Without a single word being uttered, she carefully sat down on his lap, sinking into his arms and nuzzling into his neck, inhaling deeply. Still Remus didn't say anything, just closed his arms around his wife, hugging her to him as gently as he could, one hand rubbing her back soothingly, the other buried in her hair. They remained like that, unmoving, even as he felt the dampness of tears on his shoulder.

The day slowly turned to night. There had been more tea but still no one had said a word. By now they had somehow managed to make place for all four of them on the couch and what they couldn't express verbally they made up for in physical contact, sitting as close as they could, hands resting on shoulders or intertwined between legs.

After sitting like that for another few hours, with the gentle roaring from the fireplace the only sound in the house and no other light but the flame's lazy flickering, finally one of them moved. It was getting really late and undoubtedly a good night of sleep could only make things better. Remus, Tonks and Andromeda at last made their way to their respective bedrooms while Giovanni made himself comfortable on the couch.

XxxxxxxxX

There was a lot of tossing and turning that night, and very little actual sleep. Tonks and Remus only fell asleep when the sun was already rising again. It seemed like only minutes later when Tonks' bladder woke her up again. She decided to let her husband get as much sleep as he could and carefully slipped out of the room to get to the bathroom. When she was done and about to return to the warmth of her bed, she heard noise coming from downstairs. It took her a minute to remember that it had to be Giovanni since he'd been sleeping on the couch in the living room.

Sleep seemed like a far-away option, anyway, so she made her way downstairs to look after her best friend. He hadn't exactly looked his best when he'd stormed in the day before and she was sure that it wasn't only due to the news of her father's death and the horrible weather he'd been caught in. Tonks hadn't seen him in weeks but she was almost certain that this had to do with what had happened with Robert. By the looks of it she couldn't help but assume that that argument still hadn't been resolved.

When she entered the room she found Giovanni covered in blankets, staring blankly at the wall in front of him. He looked so vulnerable, so abandoned, that it broke her heart as much as yesterday's news. Carefully, slowly, so she wouldn't startle him, she approached the couch and sank down as gracefully as her baby bump and her natural lack of coordination would let her. She didn't say anything, just waited for him to react to her presence.

Tonks was about to give up for now and disappear into the kitchen to make some breakfast – against everyone's advice – when he finally made a move to acknowledge her.

"Dora."

"Yes, Gio?"

"I'm sorry." He still didn't look at her, instead fixating a spot on the wall.

"Why? None of this is your fault."

"I know but... Still. I know this hurts you."

"I can't say it doesn't. But I'm not the only one suffering here. And I can't shake the feeling that it's not only because of D-Dad." She couldn't help the way her voice shook when she tried to say the word. But she was determined not to cry again. Not right now. Right now her best friend needed her as much as she needed him and in contrast to her pain something could be done about his.

"You're right," he sighed, finally looking into her eyes. "It's not just about- you know what."

"It's Rob, isn't it?" Tonks asked, knowing the answer already. The shocked expression on his face was almost amusing.

"How- How do you know about that?"

"He came here right after it happened and he got his head back on. I was under the impression he was headed to apologise profusely when he left here. Did he?"

"Well, yes, he did," Giovanni uttered, avoiding her eyes once more.

"And?" Tonks inquired, not sure she wanted to hear what would be coming next.

"I told him that it didn't mean anything and that he should leave." It sounded like saying the words was hurting him as much as it did back then.

"Oh Gio," she sighed, leaning against him as much as her pregnant stomach would let her. "Why?"

"Well, what if he was right? I mean, just because he didn't mean to say it the way he did, or even at all... It doesn't mean he didn't think it, right? What if he really thinks that I'm just some superficial, stupid jerk and not good enough for him? I knew the age difference was going to be a problem and I know my way of dealing with problems may seem childish and superficial to others but... I'm just trying to cope somehow, Dora, you know? It's just my way of making it a little better. I thought he'd know that by now but obviously, I was wrong." He didn't even seem to notice the tears running down his cheeks, just continued staring at the wall and held Tonks as close as possible in their current position.

"I know, Gio, I know. Remember, I spent the last I-don't-know-how-many years with you." They smiled at each other. It was more on the weak side and looked a bit forced, but it was a smile nonetheless.

"You don't think I'm childish and superficial, do you?" He sounded so insecure her heart made another painful leap in her chest.

"You're aware of who you're talking to right now, right?" Another tentative smile. Suddenly, he gripped her hand, expression back to serious.

"Dora, you're not childish and you're not superficial. You're one of the most selfless people I know. You're courageous and beautiful and kind. And I really hope you already know all of that and stop rolling your eyes at me. Because it's true and I thought I'd say it now. You never know when it's going to be a final goodbye these days."

With that, they were back to crying. Once they'd calmed down a bit, Tonks let out a wet chuckle, leaning back against Giovanni once more. "I guess you're right, no matter how horrible it sounds. And you're not childish or superficial. You're gorgeous inside and out and the best friend I could have ever asked for. Robert would be an idiot to see you as anything else, but I'm pretty sure he knows how wonderful you are. What he did that day was a shock reaction. It was becoming too much for him to handle and you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It doesn't make better what he said, but believe me when I say that he honestly didn't mean or think any of it. I've seen very few people who were sorrier for something they've done. Do you think you could give him another chance?"

Giovanni seemed to think about it for a few minutes, tears drying on his cheeks.

"I'm not sure... I mean, I trust you and if you're really sure that he doesn't think of me like that, that he's genuinely sorry... I guess I didn't really give him a chance to properly apologise. I was just so... so upset and hurt and... I never thought it possible he could snap at me like that."

"But you still love him?"

He heaved a deep sigh. "Yes. Yes, I do. But I'm not sure that's enough. I think I'll have to talk to him to know if we can fix this, don't I?"

"Yes, that would be a wise course of action," she laughed at him. "Breakfast? I don't think Mum will be up for a while and Remus was out like a light when I got up."

"Only if I'm making everything and you sit at the kitchen table and watch." Tonks smiled at him, earning her a frown from her best friend. "Shouldn't you be more upset? I don't want you hurting, of course, but... Well, to put it bluntly your father just died and you're sitting here solving my relationship problems."

This time it was Tonks' turn to sigh. "Believe me, it does hurt and I _am _upset. I want to go out there and kill the bastard who did this. Badly so. But I guess I've been... sensing it for a while now. I just sort of knew I wouldn't get to see him again. It doesn't make it hurt any less but... It's like I've known quite some time now and it wasn't really that much of a surprise. Life goes on, you know? I'm probably going to cry every few minutes for the next few days but I can't really afford to give up now, can I? I have to be strong for the baby, for Mum, for Remus, and for myself."

Giovanni just pulled her into a tight hug, fresh tears on his face, not saying anything. After a while, he pulled away and stood up, offering her a helping hand. "Breakfast?"

"Sure."

True to his announcement, he gently pushed Tonks into a chair and made to prepare pancakes when suddenly, Remus barged into the kitchen, hair disheveled, eyes alight with something that looked very much like hope.

"You won't believe what just happened!"


End file.
